Why is seeing who your boyfriend follows on instagram so heartbreaking??? I just can’t stand it and I can’t stand that I can’t stand it. it’s frustrating because I know that what I’m feeling towards the situation is normal in a sense but i’m also well aware that he’s allowed to follow and enjoy what he enjoys like everyone else??? Like it’s such an insignificant little aspect of our relationship, like hugely irrelevant.. but i still can’t get around or over it. I hate seeing more beautiful, attractive, nicely shaped girls all over his follow list because I know then that every day he’s waking up or turning to instagram whenever he’s bored and seeing all these women with his perfect ideal body, skin and face and I just can’t deal with it. Like it feels like it’s ripping my heart in half when I think too hard about it??? Haha, I honestly can’t describe it any better than that and it’s just sooo beyond stupid even in my own head, but I just can’t quit feeling so insanely insecure about it. I’ve compared myself to others my WHOLE life, like everyone else, but now being in this relationship I feel like it’s literally amplified itself even more, more so again because of instagram, I see all the girls he follows and I can’t help but rip myself apart looking at them. I care about who he looks at and finds attractive and no matter how much and well he reassures me, I still go back to feeling insanely shit within myself knowing I don’t look like these girls. 

I have never had this many mood swings in my whole damn life, and I know it's directly linked to my birth control (on top of other things) but I just can't take it anymore, I'm so beyond happy while being so beyond sad. I'm crying almost everyday, more so on my period because lol of course, but seriously my hormones are haywire, I could be having the best day of my life and see something and suddenly I want to escape into my room for weeks on end and not talk to anyone. I feel alone while being so loved and all of this is just reminding me of my days where I struggled heavily with my thoughts and mind in general, although I am in a better place right now I notice one off thoughts creeping back in at random, causing me to have panic attacks just from over thinking everything and everyone and people's intentions and life and my future, etc. I feel like I can't breathe, like the emotional feelings I have are so overwhelming sometimes it starts to feel physical and like my body is about to collapse in on itself. I know that's my anxiety and panic mode setting in but what for??? Nothing serious has happened to trigger this. All of this is just me overthinking. I see or hear one thing and it breaks my whole day.