#personal vow

I may be stuck with depression for life, but it does not need to determine how I feel every single day.

I am physically unfit and have trouble doing household chores. But I can set fitness goals, and people have come back from worse situations than mine.

I am very likely somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even though I was undiagnosed, suffering from severe depression at the same time, and living through an abusive family situation and homelessness, I managed to get through high school, college, ten years with no gaps in my employment, and marriage to an amazing woman, who I have supported through similar trials and worse.

I’m going to take a break before I write the next point in order to read through paragraph three again. Please line up to my right for high-fives.

I don’t know whether I’ll eventually wind up in the transgender or nonbinary camps, or how long it will take me to determine this. That’s OK. I’m carrying a lot right now anyway. It doesn’t make exploration meaningless or frivolous. I’m not on a deadline to be out at work or to my family. 

I’m 35 years old and I am in a better position than I ever have been to find permanent solutions for my depression, eat healthy, sleep healthy, enjoy the work that I do, and build the family, home, and life that I want.

I follow the precepts taught by the Buddha – #buddhism

I have had intent to kill and have killed insects and animals, I have stolen things that were not freely offered, I have lied, gossiped and said malicious things, I have behaved improperly and I have been intoxicated

I have recognised my mistakes and changed. i do not let the causes, conditions, methods or acts of such unwholesome factors arise or play out.

Stephanie Mohan – September 2014

Before I really start this post i'm just going to say this.

I REALLY LIKE GETTING FLIRTY ANONS. BELIEVE ME, I DO

but i have a really hard time distinguishing between serious flirting, and flirting for fun, and it stresses me out and makes me so anxious. I just...

don't 

just don't, okay? Don't flirt with me unless it's crystal clear that you are doing it for fun.

it's my fault that i get so worked up over it but I literally cannot tell the difference when i get messages like that.

I hate having to ask whether or not you are serious about these things because it makes me feel like an asshole, and i already tend to know the answer because i think of the worst outcomes all the time. I do, I really hate doing this to myself, because afterwords i feel like complete shit because I ruined the moment for myself.

and oce the moment's gone I can't get back into it again. it;s not the same. my view of the situation has become too clear and i don't see the point in continuing.

so thank you, bu t i'm done. 

don't flirt with me. 

don't hit on me

don't do anything that has romantic implications with me until it has become painfully obvious that you like me.

i hurt myself way to much over literally nothing and i can't stand it, so just stop.

If I ever have a bad day at work to the point where the stress of it carries on after I leave the building, I vow to never ever bring the stress of my job on the ones at home that I love. I vow to allow the negative things that happen remain at my place of work. If I can not let them leave me alone, I will do some serious cardio before I enter my doors and see the ones that I love and love me.