#personal thesis

everything everywhere all at once (2022) dir. daniels 🤝 on sundays, she picked flowers (2020) written by yah yah scholfield

the thing with blueming is that siwon made me believe for a moment he was ok and so the trauma and the abuse faded away into the background as if they weren't there (hwang da seul i see you) and nothing could hold him back it seemed, but then it sneaks up on you, not as a side project, not as the words he uses to process and accept the way his mother raised him, and not as what he did to accommodate her and his own comfort over actual happiness (which was anything but confronting her at all), but as she does the predictable, she picks a fight, she picks a fight only this time siwon is not eating it up because he hasn't believed half the shit his mother and peers made him believe in; he has now a person willing to see him clearly and it gives him courage so he gets up, he answers and he breaks, he breaks at his core, and he doesn't get a resolution and suddenly the trauma and the abuse are ever present, holding onto his mom there it is all, love and mirrors and poison, suddenly it's not him remembering, no, every moment he remembered a time somebody said something cruel to him, everytime he acted on the words of others to mold himself, he was reliving the shit that warped his self image, everytime he hurt himself being sth for others, never quite for himself, and so he did for his mother everyday of his life: he diminished himself and the things happening to him but it never left him till he could at least put it on a film where the grief and mourning can be done, where his mom can stop lying about what image to create from a moment in time that broke her and their home, and where he can look at a safe distance away from the same body that housed the kid whose childhood is owed

no seriously what's with bls these years being extremely violent and self aware about mothers and their gay sons what twilight zone episode is this

temporarily embarrassed intellectual