#personal post break

Been tripping over a lot of fake reactionary content here lately, so I'll need to go back into pseudo-hiding to keep recovering from all of the shit that I unearthed in the beginning of the year here with my own past traumas and stuff. It is really hard to focus on character building and DnD/BG3 stuff when your brain is as soft as a ripened peach tbh.

Media literacy comes first, mental health comes second, community building and repairs come third, and then I have to figure out if I can keep my animals or not by the end of next month. Oh, and job searching. Can't forget about the Grind.

Jealous of this unemployment psychiatric episode yet? I knew it, it's so attractive from the outside looking in /joking

I just feel a lot of old creeping eyes on me and need to keep myself guarded more than usual. It's been really taxing and I hope that something gives soon because God is it exhausting to try to network with media professionals when you're not doing well enough to even sit on a bus without getting a blistering headache. I have had a lot of support to push me into a better direction, but I stick to the same old ones I have tried and tested because of how difficult it is to do literally anything else right now. I've been noticing who gets deeply enraged at my position in my career path right now because they were working to bring me back to reality and I kept "refusing offers".

For the record: I have not received offers to be part of any production in the past couple months, so what is there to "refuse"?

I just made a YouTube series in my senior year of college that I have honestly not even looked at or been able to access that account (besides on Facebook) for years, I want to get back to making that kind of media literacy video essay content without the stupid barriers that were imposed while I was in college but it is...not something that I can do without figuring out funding for things first. I have been trying to bring myself back to it and post about my progress on tiktok but I'm also...not in a place to re-run any kind of hustle like that without a regular ass income.

It is difficult to get back to content creation and filming and being in front of cameras without a proper self care routine to refuel my own reserves before over extending my talents and abilities to other people. If you're in the same boat as a small/independent film maker I tip my cap to your efforts.

If I was Eurydice

If I even thought Orpheus was going to turn around I’d start screeching to alert the demons that I need their help to keep Orpheus’s eyes on the path ahead.

I swear to gods we need to keep the journey going because soothing the gods of the dead was only half the battle.

I would stumble and fall, and keep those pains to myself to keep us walking forward out of the underworld.

I would work myself to death’s door again just to keep the ship afloat. I would build a lighthouse with the power of word just to act as a signal that I am alright.

No need to turn around for Little Eurydice.

Nobody would be nice to her while she made her way there.

Always had to yell at her to hurry up and stop forgetting and stop talking to herself. Like that was ever a problem.

Anyway

She was never valued before her time came to an end. She knows what happens if this journey leaves without her. She was always expendable.

That was not a punch line.

Yet they think I would make a public mockery of how dark it can feel?

I envy those who don't understand those depths, they are not something you wish into the lives of people you respect and care about.

If I had the honor of being the Orpheus to any Eurydice’s story?

She’d never have to worry who is getting her out of the underworld. She’d know I would be there.

Clearly I'm not the only one who would do that for the one they love. That was obvious.

Well past done.

Yet they keep making jerky here?

With My beef?

I am so grateful to be a part of her journey and be able to give her a better future.

I would speak to Eurydice like she is already a queen and she does not need to linger in an old pocket of the underworld to find herself again.

She needs to keep her eyes on the future, what is possible, and not listen to the hands that grasp her ankles begging to be considered before she takes a step.

Those hands are calloused. Greedy. Always looking for better blood to fuel the machine.

I would never let a drop of Her’s spill. But people who don’t know me think it’s a game? To me? I would never be so bold to try that around a place I do not own. I just rent.

She knew which hands would grab the hardest. The ones who wanted to keep their own hands clean and look better for themselves after getting in the punches they were waiting to give me.

I wont give people like that the satisfaction of knowing how low the blows have gotten. They have not earned the right to my word.

She did not want any of them to get in her way, she wanted to help them. But she screamed a bit too loud and the observers watch her movements too carefully for her to consider the path.

This was a mistake in this timeline, not a damnation just an observation on why she’s unable to accomplish basic tasks “like a normal person” in the public sphere.

This was a mistake but not a condemnation of Her character. Just a series of unfortunate mistakes made in a way she didn’t even anticipate. She will get better, but the observers need to reconsider their own approach in the next attempt.

Eurydice is making it out of the underworld in this timeline. That’s an oath.

Who is worthy of being called Orpheus in this story?

I am not asking this question to find an answer here, it just begs repeating because I truly don't have an intended audience at the moment.

It has been a problem for years but now i have no idea what to do and i don’t own my space here. I don’t have a right to stay and it’s a shame because my life has become so much better since i moved here. I didn’t know I was losing myself until my community stepped up and helped me, and then I found games that actually made me want to draw things again.

Then I found other things making me want to go into the world. And I got lost finding something before I got my money back together so now I am back to fighting to keep my spot with my pets.

The merry-go-round is still operational, I just have to take down the seahorse figure until I get a better idea of how I want my artistic future to look.

But spring? Will continue without me providing any further information about what the world is like here.

I'm still trying to get my art skills back up lol I just have been struggling to find work in the real world for months. It's hard to create without understanding how to sustain your own income and set up a site and all that.

I have been working TIRELESSLY for the past 7 months now trying to get my skills back up

i n d e p e n d e n t l y do you know what that means?

That was a quote, and you will need to look that artist up. I won't do that work for you. It's white people's responsibility to lift up our communities and our neighbors to make amends for how much blood is on our ancestral hands. My roots are tainted with so much blood and I am trying to pay my respects to the people who are making these communities function by enjoying the gifts nature has to offer. My family was part of the catholics that invaded canada in the 15/1600s. By the 1700s They came down into the States then traced back to the World's Fair in the 1800s and have not left this place ever since.

Knowing that much history? IS THE DEFINITION of privilege. I know this. I do not want to uplift white voices over any other voice. I am just demonstrating that I have been shielded from the ability to reconnect and I needed new book recommendations. /genuine

Do I want to inconvenience a bunch of people in the industries I have been trying to work in just because I needed a new book? Of course not! I just have loud ass opinions! This tends to make communities I try to fit into feel like they have to "test" my fortitude as a personality. Please fucking stop/genuine.

You have no idea who the fuck I am based on reading my words, I am a master at tone shifting. I am not trying to co-opt anyone's shit, I am trying to advocate for those stories to be on the center stage. My favorite classes in college were always the Director's classes. I can't help being like that wherever I go, but life is not a bunch of pieces that I can put together and create an image. I know that, and being removed from everything and barking orders hardly makes me look like an adult. I'm far from a perfect person, actually. But I don't owe anyone a complete version of who I am online.

The truth is: I am just terrified of making a mistake because the amount of projection that happens whenever I start to step into the stage because I have little doe eyes on the way up is INSANE.

I "gamble" on my own life because I am tired of putting my time and energy into things that refuse to acknowledge me at all. I have been catfished, frauded, defamed, dragged to fucking shit just because I sound annoying or rub someone the wrong way SINCE I was born thank you very much. I am thrilled that I can finally trust my gut to tell me that I am doing something right, and I know that might just be a sign of needing to sit down and eat something.

It's created by the shit that you go out and actually do.

"That was so aggressive! We are just expressing concern for you! Stop fighting everyone!" If I had a therapist, I would be able to work this out offline. Assholes /tongue-and-cheeky

When I hear people ask "Why the fuck are you like this?" I get defensive because I have always been harassed, since I was a child. Does that make me not accountable for the shit I'm doing? Nope!

It just means: I am acknowledging where I am in my current healing journey for the public record, since I have fucked up a lot on here and need to do some back tracking. Minors are the ones who should be protected from these kinds of words over anyone else, and that is really the main reason why I am such a fierce advocate for these stronger boundaries among adults.

If we can't demonstrate better, how can children grow up and be better?

Do I condone abuse because I talk about the ways I was hurt in the past and see ways that I could be hurt in the present? FUCK NO!!!!!! I am vehemently against any form of harassment or threats and I've been writing like I'm making a lot of threats. This is why I am trying to be on my phone less, and on here less often, because I need to stop the acknowledgement part of my healing journey and start with the actual healing parts. I have activated some kind of military encoding trauma where my little spy brain is looking for clues wherever I go because I don't know where to put my trust anymore. I can't keep holding all of it by myself. I am asking for help, and I have received an overwhelming response.

Being unable to articulate that does not mean I do not see it /genuine

I am walking in nature more often, since I have little control over my immediate environment when I am not mentally stable. This results in really ugly behavior to my animals who love me and who I love unconditionally. I know that they deserve better, and I am so much better after the hell that was Pisces season concluded. That was thanks to visiting the cemetery more often and releasing my ghosts. The only beings I have ever tried to improve myself for are my familiars. That's just witchcraft 101.

The amount of shit that keeps fucking happening after I so much as step out of my house is what causes me to stop wanting to leave. The city is too loud, my headphones stopped connecting to my phone cuz apple doesn't make a regular aux chord headphone jack and the adapter I had to buy for mine broke. It makes me paranoid, but having podcasts encouraging me to go out in nature has been so fucking helpful. I missed spending time with myself and enjoying it. I've been trying to just live that up and post about it but my words are being interpreted in all different kinds of ways just because I'm fat as fuck right now. /genuine

The nature preserves around me are starting to feel a bit small, and I know that means it is time to answer the call to travel. How can someone travel with no job and no money? /genuine because I don't have all the answers, for the fucking record.