#personal cheyenne

I'm so tired of being left out of things. I was left out of things all the time because of my horrible job that left me completely unable to do anything, and now that I'm jobless and decided to try and do something for fun, everyone I arranged it with has decided to bail on me at the last second. Meanwhile, I've paid money I don't really have to go to this event and now I have no one to go with, again, just like every other time I've tried to arrange things--my birthdays, the few times my bands have come out west, etc. I'm so tired of having to go to everything alone.

Anyway for those considering law, let me save you a few thousand dollars and your sanity: don’t.  Most lawyers don’t make the “big lawyer bucks” and it’s not worth the toxic culture that is endemic to the practice of law in North America (I have it on authority from my American friends that their process is very similar to Canada’s).  It’s not worth senior counsel yelling at you.  It’s not worth the stress and the expectations that you never have a life.  It’s not worth being verbally berated in front of your colleagues both when you’re there and when you’re not because of some perceived slight.  It’s not worth being blamed for literally everything even if it’s not your fault.  If you live, breathe, and exist solely for the law, then you might enjoy it one day, but if you’re just going into it because you need money, there are other, better ways to make it that won’t make you so miserable you stop being able to get up in the mornings and you cry before, during, and after work every day.

Can you put “crying at my desk because I hate my field and I’m so tired of being told I shouldn’t have a personal life” as a non-billable time entry?  Asking for a friend.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to those who took the time to leave a kind, supportive word last night.  It meant a lot.  I... am very “going through the motions” today.  I’m very tired and didn’t sleep well and I am feeling very discouraged and beaten down, and my three hour seminar this morning did not help, but I am trying to find something positive to look forward to.  I’m one of those people who doesn’t deal very well with not being able to immediately tackle and fix a problem (it is a control issue that stems from my severe OCD and I recognise that), so the fact that I can’t seem to do anything to fix this one is just.  On top of everything else going on right now it’s a lot.  I cannot control the police state my country is turning into.  I cannot control so many aspects of my daily life anymore.  And now I can’t even control my body, the one thing I have left to me.  It’s a lot, and I am no longer dealing with it well, and it makes me very, very tired so I did just want to say thank you if you left a message last night and even if I didn’t respond (I was crying a lot and was just mentally and physically exhausted from a week of successive migraines) I saw it and appreciated it.

Being a First Nations woman just sometimes mean you are typing quietly away at a paper on conquest and treaty-making and law (European narrative vs our traditional narrative) and then you are just suddenly overwhelmed by everything that has been lost and for a life you never had the chance to know, and then you realise that you started crying silently at one point?  Awkward, really.