#personal blabbering

Of being utterly loved and spoiled as long as you abide by the role of being perfect. As long as you stay in the cage of shallow expectations your parents had for you. For if you take one step out of line, love turns to confusion, turns to reprehension, turns to being completely alone.

I really just need to take a step back and keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day and that I need to slow down sometimes. But it just feels like I'm on a time crunch bc I'm unemployed, to get these certifications that probably won't help much short term in finding a job. Like I know for sure fact that it will help me LONG term, but all my life I've always told myself that I wasn't going to live to a certain age so what's the point in doing anything, but now I'm here past that age. Past multiple ages that I thoughts it would be the end.

Is this what healing is like? Probably not necessarily the healing I need, but I'm slowly working through my problems and I'm seeing progress. I think. At least it seems like I'm progressing. Because for the past 2 years, every single day I wake up, in order to get myself to do things, I've said to myself "you either do THIS or you kill yourself." And I just couldn't go on living like that bc up until I quit my job, I was getting closer and closer to killing myself. I worked as a small family owned restaurant so I shouldn't have been as stressed out as I was, but I just couldn't take it anymore. This year was worse that precovid in terms of work load. And I get it. It's hard times right now, but every single fucking shift, unless I had another old timer her worked there, I was doing 3-4 different jobs while also doing my own fucking job plus babysitting all the high-school kids we had and I couldn't take it.

But since I've left there, I haven't had to tell myself "do this or die" and honestly I've been happier than ever. There's also a constant nagging in the back of my head saying I shouldn't be happy bc the money I had saved up is gonna be gone within a few months bc of bills and I refuse to go back into a food industry job again even though when I was younger, that was my dream lmao. I know everyone learns things on their own time, but there's this fucking near nonexistent time crunch. And like the tech industry is notoriously hard to get into especially if you don't have connections. Web design? I love it. I love learning how to build these silly little pages, but is it really going to get me anywhere?

These are the fucking thoughts I have and like its hard bc I KNOW my family doesn't understand why I would quit a job when I had absolutely nothing lined up. At all. And I'm scared to even leave my room to make myself food bc I do not want to be interrogated by people who refuse to even try to understand that I WANTED to die so bad that I needed to leave that place whether I had a backup plan or not.

So here I am. Jobless. In today's crumbling economy. In my family's eyes, just sitting in my room all day doing nothing but playing games. Which is funny bc I don't even have the energy to play games sometimes. I'm in here learning a tech skill that I don't even know will be applicable bc I have NO connections in the industry. But I mean people have all started somewhere, right?

But as usual there are people abusing it and it is such a turn off. So many non-creators with no content of their own just out there panhandling on every single reblog they post.

I mean, are you mental? What do you want to be supported for? Mashing the reblog button? Spreading your love of other people's cat pictures and movie gifs? There's nothing wrong with that, I do that. But I'm not out there making grabby hands and saying "gimme money" for having made nothing of my own, either.