#personal 2015

my parents are watching this danish film, and i’ve only seen parts as i come and go but every time has had multiple graphic rape and sexual assault scenes (one time two men/boys held a 16yo girl down and punched her between the legs until she aborted the fetus she was carrying) and as far as i can tell it’s basically about one groups of rich middle aged white men who have trafficked african girls as (sex) slaves at their estates, and a bunch of teen boys + one girl (the pregant one) who go around and rapes girls while their boyfriends have to watch, and obv the two male police officers having to solve it. anyway, the ending is basically one of the old rape victims who went crazy setting fire to her rapist and dying in the fire herself and

fuck

As always, a split year. Every year I say this as the summer seems to mark some grandiose gulf of time between one path I have chosen to follow, and another entirely different direction.

So the summer normally consists of either anticipation, or alternatively, anxiety over what it is exactly I will be doing.

2015 began with me 1/3 of the way through a School Direct PGCE year in Secondary English, meaning, I was training in school on the job to become a secondary school English teacher. By Christmas I basically knew but did not want to fully admit it, that while it was normal to find it hard, I was training to do something that fundamentally was going against my nature, whatever that is.

January-March was one of the hardest times ever during the training, where I almost didn’t make it. It got marginally better in a different environment for a couple of weeks as I had the second placement (only because I wasn’t being watched as much!) and then when I returned for the final term it was more relaxed as it was so close to being over, I and others, didn’t seem to care quite as much.

All this time I was oscillating between wanting to find a teaching job and not wanting to find one. My heart said NO, GOD NO, while sense would obviously say I needed to find one as soon as possible. I went on interviews and didn’t get the jobs, which made me very unhappy, as what else was I to do?

During this time I did little else, but made some wonderful friends on the course and at school, some of which I hope will stick.

I had my final interview in June, went on holiday, came back to find I’d got the job. I went in for 2 days, the most intense feeling of everything being wrong kicked in, so powerful, like I have never felt before. On an unrelated afternoon driving back from London to Eastbourne, I had the most gut-wrenching agonising, almost feverish battle of wills within myself (with my mother as poor witness and participant) as my head said to do it - even though you will possibly lose your mind - it is something, a job, a life plan; while my heart said that even if all the reasons against it were flimsy - I could not do it, my nature would not allow it.

So I withdrew from the job! It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and it felt somewhat like a marriage breakup.

Thereafter came panic over what to do, as I knew there would be. This was one of the reasons I wanted to just continue teaching blindly, as the abyss was what waited on the other side.

I spent time with Rob, a new friend, who also had decided not to teach. I spent time with Toby, a romance that went nowhere, who would have also ironically been my NQT mentor at the school. Both was fun. 

But all the time was spent in big anxiety of job applications, luckily I realised what area I wanted to be in early on as it had always been there; libraries, museums, arts, heritage, universities, I had been interested in this for some time before and had some (limited) work experience. I went on a handful, maybe more, of interviews, and finally got one at King’s College in early September. I literally could not believe it and still can’t.

It might seem silly to lay so much importance on getting an entry level job, but it is everything to me. It is a way out of a hole, a starting point in life, a potential of a future plan in a job I actually enjoy a great deal, and can see myself progressing in.

Living in London (again - I went to university there from 2007-2011 then left when it wore me down) is not ideal, but at the same time, it is. I don’t see myself there forever, but it is where it’s all happening right now.

I started writing this with the intention of explaining to myself why I had been remiss in not recording the books and films I had read and watched this year - I had been a bit preoccupied! But this became quite a good way of sorting it out in my head, as anything pre-September and gearing up towards moving to London feels like a lifetime ago.

I do not regret training to teach in any way whatsoever, and I also do not regret not teaching afterwards in any way whatsoever. It was a personal decision based on my personality and inherent core being, not an indictment on the education system. It has its obvious flaws which don’t look as though they will be fixed for the foreseeable future, but that would not have put me off teaching; you work with what you’ve got.

It was the most character building and extraordinary experience of my life and I can’t believe I summoned the strength to complete it, and I only hope I have the opportunity for similar experiences, as difficult or otherwise, in the future.