#perpetval

⛧

you'd  think  he  found  his  cool.  peace  ,  progress  ,  sincerity  ,  his  middle  ...  all  that  bullshit  2D  preaches  about  ,  the  tit.  he  is  an  old  man  ,  for  crying  out  loud.  but  the  way  she's  phrased  it  ,  like  a  fact  that  is—  a  bit  like  an  accusation  ,  like  a  'hey  ,  you're  looking  at  it  all  backwards  you  donkey'.  well.  something  about  that  splits  him  down  in  the  middle.  fragile  ,  volatile—  nitroglycerin  exploding  in  anxiety.  all  at  once.  like  he  didn't  change  in  the  last  ten  years.  like  he  isn't  60.  like  he  doesn't  look  back  on  a  life  he's  took  charge  of.  perhaps  he's  escalating.  murdoc  thinks  he  might  be  escalating  ,  and  the  kind  of  funny  thing  is  that  he  cannot  stop.  fingers  twitch  ,  wanting  to  curl  into  fists  and  then  don't  by  sheer  force  of  will.

❝  the  bloody  hell  are  you  on  about?  ❞  it  comes  out  harsher  than  he  wanted  to.  a  little  winded  ,  like  a  dog  growling  ,  a  dog  that's  about  to  bite.  not  coz  the  dog's  really  angry  ,  but  because  it's  scared.  it's  always  fear  ,  in  the  end.  he's  learned  that  at  least.  ❝  like  i  don't  change  the  face  of  music  every  time  i  put  out  a  fucking  album?  still  putting  out  goddamn  music  ,  by  the  way.  ❞  murdoc's  not  really  looking  at  her  ,  but  he's  pacing.  he's  still  afraid  of  getting  older.  still  afraid  of  ...  still  afraid  of  death.  of  moving  on  ,  he  thinks.  so  many  wasted  years  and  yeah  ,  perhaps  he  shouldn't  think  of  them  as  wasted  ,  but  they  kinda  really  are  ,  yeah?  ❝  what's  that  even  mean?  the  hell  you  want  from  me?  ❞  the  reality  of  the  matter  is  ,  is  that  he's  still  an  exposed  nerve.  now  more  than  ever  ,  with  all  the  fires  he's  still  tending  to  within  himself.  the  embers  that  are  still  sizzling  ,  the  wild  burns  he's  still  putting  out.  all  the  humiliations  ,  all  the  terrible  things  that  have  happened  to  him  ,  that  he  did  to  others.  all  the  vulnerability  that  still  doesn't  feel  like  himself.

odded  eyes  twitch  up  ,  bore  into  her  own  devil-touched  pair.  too  proud  to  admit  that  ,  whatever  she  meant  ,  the  way  she  said  it  ...  hurt.  anger's  always  been  easier  ,  after  all.

@perpetval said : you've been living so long in hiding and hiding behind that false mask.

                  HE  HAD  BEEN  RUNNING  FOR  CENTURIES ,  hiding  out  in  hotels  and  using  his  talents  to  steal  clothes  and  money  and  anything  else  that  could  help  him  sustain  a  certain  lifestyle .  but  eventually  everything  catches  up  to  you .  in  the  end ,  you  can  only  run  so  far  before  you  run  out  of  places  to  hide  and  the  monster  that's  been  chasing  you  wins .  two  hundred  years  of  feeling  like  he  was  ten  steps  ahead  had  left  him  lazy ,  too  comfortable .  it  had  meant  he'd  missed  the  signs ,  the  powers ,  the  charge  in  the  air  that  an  ancient  was  far  too  close  for  him  to  be  safe .  he  should  have  known  that  running  to  other  parts  of  the  world  wouldn't  DO  HIM  ANY  GOOD .

the  abbey  had  been  welcoming ,  though  that  should  have  been  expected  when  he'd  been  able  to  cross  the  threshold  without  an  invitation .  public  place ,  certainly ,  but  there  were  certain  spaces  that  were  still  inaccessible  to  him  without  specific  invitations  from  the  highest  power  within .  he  could  have  slipped  back  to  old  habits ,  could  have  tried  to  seduce  his  way  into  favor ,  could  have  tried  to  take  things  over  to  ensure  that  he  could  keep  himself  safe .  but  he  couldn't  be  sure  it  wouldn't  fuck  him  over  and  he'd  be  BACK  ON  THE  STREETS  running  from  the  consequences  of  his  actions .

perhaps ,  though ,  his  decision  to  stay  and  mind  his  manners  for  once  in  his  miserable  life  had  been  the  best  decision  he  could  have  made .  he  fit  in  better  here  than  he  ever  had  in  baldur's  gate .  it  helped  that  the  antipope  was  easy  on  the  eyes .  though ,  he  can't  say  he's  much  of  a  fan  of  the  other  being  able  to  read  him  better  than  he  was  comfortable  with .  he'd  never  been  one  to  wear  his  emotions  on  his  sleeve .  instead ,  chose  to  mask  them  with  sarcasm  and  filth .  

it  was  getting  HARDER  AND  HARDER  to  do  that  with  perpetua .   

@perpetval sent : ( 𝐇𝐔𝐆 ) ; one muse holds the other close while they open up / cry.

                  THE  SEPARATION  HAD  BEEN  FORCED  WHEN  she'd  been  sent  away  to  boarding  school  and  their  father  had  taken  them  elsewhere .  no  contact ,  no  way  of  knowing  how  the  other  was ,  just  a  necklace  as  a  reminder  of  what  could  have  been .  there  had  never  been  a  moment  she  forgot  about  them ,  never  a  moment  when  she  didn't  wish  that  things  were  different ,  that  they  could  have  had  a  chance ,  that  she  knew  where  perpetua  had  been  taken  to .  but ,  HER  WISHES  NEVER  SEEMED  TO  COME  TRUE .  between  losing  the  person  she'd  been  closest  to ,  to  being  turned  away  by  her  family  so  they  could  pawn  her  off  to  a  school  that  would  teach  her  obedience  and  that  she  shouldn't  question  elders  or  the  church ,  to  being  forced  into  a  partnership  with  a  man  she  couldn't  even  bring  herself  to  meet  his  eyes  for  fear  that  he  would  take  it  as  a  challenge ….  she  had  given  up  on  her  life  ever  getting  to  a  point  where  she  could  feel  even  marginally  happy  again .

but  there  had  been  rumors …  she'd  overheard  her  parents  speaking  about  perpetua  being  in  the  area .  maybe  IT  HAD  BEEN  NOTHING  BUT  HOPE  for  her  to  believe  it  to  be  true ,  but  if  she  could  just  have  them  back …  have  them  to  lean  on  again ,  to  laugh  with ,  to  escape  from  the  hellscape  her  life  has  become .  so  finding  them  in  a  coffee  shop  near  her  home …  it  felt  like  the  universe  was  finally  giving  her  something  to  hold  onto .  it  had  been  easy  to  fall  back  into  the  same  rhythm  they  had  always  had .  comfortable .  the  first  time  in  longer  than  she  could  remember  that  she'd  felt  as  though  things  were  going  to  be  okay .  at  least  as  okay  as  her  life  would  BE  ALLOWED  TO  BE .

coffee  turned  into  at  least  a  weekly  thing .  with  the  spring  bringing  beautiful  weather ,  they'd  started  meeting  at  a  park ,  taking  up  a  bench  to  watch  the  people  and  talk  about  whatever  had  been  on  their  mind .  there  hadn't  been  much  to  catch  up  on …  not  really .  she  assumed  her  life  had  been  everything  theirs  would  have  been  had  they  stayed .  the  only  thing  even  remotely  interesting  had  been  telling  them  about  the  man  her  parents  had  chosen  for  her .  the  first  time  she'd  mentioned  him ,  HER  VOICE  HAD  BEEN  SOFT ,  nervous .  she  knows  that  he  wouldn't  want  her  out  here ,  but  she  couldn't  care .  so  she  had  told  perpetua  the  good  things .  the  things  that  had  been  why  her  parents  had  chosen  him .  surface  level .  explained  that  it  was  a  proper  catholic  pairing  moving  slowly  towards  something  permanent ,  but  there  was  an  edge  to  her  voice  at  the  idea .

but  of  course ,  the  good  couldn't  last  for  long .

she  didn't  have  it  in  her  to  cancel  a  coffee  date .  they  had  become  the  ONLY  THING  she  looked  forward  to .  it  didn't  matter  that  she  had  done  something  wrong  earlier  in  the  morning  instead  of  being  thankful  he'd  brought  breakfast  to  her  parents  house …  something  that  she  still  doesn't  understand .  she's  not  sure  if  she'd  said  something  wrong  or  if  she'd  questioned  too  much ,  but  she'd  suddenly  found  herself  on  the  kitchen  floor  with  a  small  cut  to  her  lip  and  a  slightly  bruised  eye .  an  openhanded  slap  that  she'd  become  used  to ,  that  her  father  used  to  keep  her  in  line  when  she'd  dared  to  question  him  or  go  against  his  wishes …  a  normal  part  of  life .  so  normal  that  she  found  herself  TRYING  TO  THINK  of  an  explanation  before  she  got  to  the  park . 

but  that  was  thrown  out  the  door  the  moment  she  quietly  took  her  seat  next  to  the  other ,  hands  empty  as  coffee  had  been  completely  forgotten .  she  can't  even  form  words  before  she's  taking  her  sunglasses  off  and  curling  into  perpetua's  side ,  face  buried  against  them  as  she  cries .  it's  stupid .  there's  nothing  anyone  can  do  and  she  knows  she's  just  going  to  have  to  go  back  to  backhanded  apologies  and  justifications  and  a  bouquet  of  flowers .  she'd  watched  the  pattern  WITH  HER  PARENTS  and  knew  it  was  the  one  her  own  life  was  following .  but  arms  wrap  around  her  and  she  practically  melts  into  them ,  struggling  to  catch  her  breath  between  sobs .  

she  isn't  sure  how  long  she  cries .  just  knows  that  she  eventually  pulls  back  enough  to  look  up  at  them ,  eyes  red  and  puffy  making  the  bruise  seem  angrier  than  before .  her  mind  is  turning  over  every  excuse ,  every  reason  she  could  give  but  the  truth  but  what  would  they  believe  after  she  had  already  broken  in  front  of  them .  “ it's  fine … ”  a  forced  smile  as  she  raises  a  hand  to  wipe  at  her  cheeks  with  her  palm .  “ it's  my  own  fault .  theo's  stressed .  trouble  at  work  and  i  should  be  MAKING  HIS  LIFE  EASIER .  instead ,  i  argued  about  him  staying  late  for  another  night  because  we  were  supposed  to  have  dinner  and  a  movie .  should've  just  been  happy  with  breakfast . ”

@perpetval said : I think I've had too many already.

                  SHE  NEVER  WOULD  HAVE  THOUGHT  THAT  SHE  would  be  on  the  arm  of  the  antipope .  maybe  if  they  had  needed  someone  desperately  to  be  their  plus  one  for  an  event ,  but  never  the  first  choice .  never  the  one  who  wanted  to  be  the  first  choice .  but  here  she  is ,  in  a  dress  far  more  beautiful  than  anything  she's  ever  owned  before ,  attached  at  the  hip  to  perpetua ,  and  happier  than  she  can  ever  remember  being …  even  more  than  when  she'd  gone  to  france  FOR  THE  FIRST  TIME .  something  about  being  the  girl  other's  look  at  with  jealousy  in  their  eyes ,  a  question  of  whether  there  truly  is  something  between  the  two ,  proving  herself  with  an  arm  slipped  through  theirs  and  soft  kisses  pressed  to  their  shoulder .  there  was  no  question  who  she  belonged  to …  who  belonged  to  her .

judith  had  never  been  much  of  a  drinker ,  only  partaking  in  communion  wine  and  the  occasional  glass  at  dinner  when  she  was  out  with  family .  there  had  been  the  time  in  boarding  school  where  a  girl  down  the  hall  had  managed  TO  SNEAK  A  HANDLE  OF  WHISKEY  into  their  dorm  and  they  had  all  had  far  too  much  without  thinking  about  the  consequences .  a  hangover  she'd  never  forget ,  a  taste  she  wished  she  didn't  like ,  and  enough  guilt  to  fill  a  confessional  ten  times  over .  but  lately …  she's  enjoyed  the  wine  and  champagne  and  cocktails  offered  to  her .  a  reminder  that  just  because  you  enjoy  something  it  doesn't  mean  you're  awful .  funny  how  being  in  the  abbey  had  changed  so  much  of  her  outlook  on  everything . 

she  still  hesitates  to  indulge  too  much  for  fear  of  a  repeat  of  the  hangover  from  all  those  years  ago .  she'd  had  to  HANG  A  BLANKET  over  the  blinds  to  keep  every  bit  of  light  out  and  had  whined  at  any  sound  that  was  louder  than  a  pin  drop .  so  even  when  they're  at  an  event ,  judith  is  typically  the  one  keeping  her  wits  about  her ,  making  sure  her  partner  doesn't  go  too  far  overboard .  though ,  a  tipsy  perpetua  is  always  a  delight ,  giggly  and  affectionate  without  caring  who  might  be  listening  or  looking .  a  perpetua  that  has  helped  teach  her  how  to  let  go  and  enjoy  herself  without  thinking  too  hard  or  worrying  about  DOING  SOMETHING  WRONG .  judith  was  always  so  caught  up  in  doing  everything  perfectly  that  she  sometimes  forgot  that  perfection  was  a  myth …  but  perpetua  never  turned  down  a  moment  to  remind  her  in  the  best  of  ways .

a  giggle  slips  from  lightly  painted  lips  as  she  swipes  another  glass  of  champagne  for  each  of  them  from  a  tray ,  nose  crinkling  as  their  breath  ghosts  past  their  ear .  she  turns  around  with  a  grin ,  glass  held  towards  the  other .  “ aw ,  don't  be  a  party  pooper . ”  she  echoes  the  sentiment  she's  heard  more  times  than  she  can  count .  she's  grown  so  much  in  the  months  she's  been  with  them ,  since  she  let  them  behind  the  walls  to  show  her  WHAT  LIFE  COULD  TRULY  BE .  “ i'm  sure  you  could  handle  just  one  more  for  little  old  me ,  can't  you ?  maybe  there  could  be  a  surprise  for  you  once  the  night  ends . ”

@perpetval said : aftercare: for our muses to participate in aftercare together.

                  THERE'S  STILL  BLOOD  SEEPING  SLOWLY  FROM  bite  marks  littering  her  skin ,  a  dull ,  welcome  ache  settling  in  her  bones  as  she  lets  herself  slide  into  an  oversized  tub ,  full  and  warm ,  and  waiting  for  her .  she  can  hear  the  soft  rustle  of  sheets  in  the  bedroom  as  perpetua  changes  them  to  keep  them  from  sleeping  on  dried  blood  and  other .  she's  lucky  and  she  knows  it .  a  partner  who  completely  mirrors  everything  she  could  ever  want  or  need  and  who  cares  for  her  as  they  do ,  someone  who  doesn't  just  roll  over  WHEN  THINGS  ARE  DONE .  it's  still  a  new  sensation  for  her …  being  cared  for  as  she  is .  a  sensation  that  she's  not  sure  she  wants  to  get  used  to  because  she  wants  it  to  make  her  melt  every  time  they  shower  her  with  affection  and  care .

she's  just  coming  up  for  air  after  dunking  her  head  into  the  water  when  perpetua  steps  into  the  room ,  fluffy  robes  in  hand  quickly  dropped  to  a  nearby  table .  brown  eyes  find  them  and  a  smile  PULLS  TO  HER  LIPS  as  she  reaches  out  towards  them ,  humming  softly  as  they  take  her  hand  and  step  in  to  settle  in  the  tub  behind  her ,  pulling  her  into  their  lap  with  arms  wrapped  gently  around  her  middle .  rose  can't  help  but  lean  back ,  eyes  closed  for  a  moment  as  she  just  basks  in  the  feeling  of  their  arms ,  taking  in  the  smell  of  sweat  and  blood  and  something  that  is  distinctly  perpetua   as  she  presses  a  chaste  kiss  to  the  curve  of  their  neck . 

 she  loves  the  moments  after  sex …  where  THERE'S  A  CERTAIN  INTIMACY  that  you  can't  find  anywhere  else .  loves  them  even  more  when  things  have  gotten  rough  and  she  has  knots  and  muscles  to  massage  and  bites  to  attend  to .  something  about  having  their  hands  on  her ,  reminding  her  that  she's  safe  with  them .  that  she  can  trust  them  when  she  lets  her  guard  down  and  gives  herself  over  to  them  fully .  something  about  the  way  their  fingers  find  just  the  right  spot  to  press  to  make  her  gasp  as  tension  eases  and  the  way  they're  so  gentle  with  cleaning  any  wounds  they've  left  behind .  there's  something  comfortable  in  the  silence  of  LIPS  PRESSING  TO  HER  SKIN  and  trailing  across  her  shoulder  as  hands  move  to  follow  to  rub  where  kisses  have  left  their  mark .  

@perpetval sent : ( send ) for the sender to send the receiver a dirty text/photo.

                  THERE  HAD  BEEN  A  CONFERENCE  CALL  that  she'd  been  needed  on .  she'd  promised  the  frater  that  if  he  could  manage  without  her  for  a  little  while  so  that  she  could  join  perpetua  on  tour  for  a  bit ,  then  she  would  do  whatever  she  could  from  hotels  and  tour  busses  to  make  sure  he  still  felt  supported .  she  didn't  want  to  leave  him  completely  on  his  own .  satan  knows  the  man  WOULD  FLOUNDER  if  she  wasn't  there  for  encouragement .  she  hadn't  expected  it  to  take  quite  so  long ,  though .  long  enough  that  perpetua  had  had  to  leave  her  with  a  brush  of  a  kiss  and  her  own  promise  that  she  would  be  at  the  venue  as  soon  as  possible .  she  hadn't  expected  another  hour  of  listening  to  financial  proposals .

she's  thankful  when  her  personal  cell  lights  up  with  a  message  from  her  partner .  probably  questioning  where  she  was  and  if  she'd  forgotten  how  to  get  to  her .  or  if  she'd  taken  a  wrong  turn .  expecting  SOME  SORT  OF  TEASE ,  she  opened  her  phone ,  zoning  out  of  the  call  as  it started  to  wrap  up .  what  she  didn't  expect  was  to  be  greeted  with  a  mirror  picture  from  perpetua's  dressing  room ,  lace  on  her  pants  loose ,  and  cock  peeking  from  the  waistband  accompanied  by  a  short  message …  i  need  help .  a  bright  flush  of  cheeks  and  she  hurriedly  excuses  herself  from  the  call  before  firing  a  text  off  to  the  driver ,  quickly  followed  by  a  response  to  her  partner .

@perpetval said : you matter to me. i'll say it a thousand times until you understand.

                  IT  MUST  BE  SOME  SICK  JOKE ,  having  perpetua  confess  that  there's  some  sort  of  feelings  lingering  for  her .  her …  the  girl  who  can't  even  look  in  the  mirror  without  wanting  to  cry .  the  girl  who  has  been  lying  for  months  upon  months ,  though  maybe  that  made  her  a  sinner .  funny  how  the  catholic  church  had  been  the  ones  to  ask  her  to  lie  through  her  teeth ,  to  commit  a  sin  against  one  of  the  ten  commandments ,  the  words  SHE'S  BEEN  TOLD  TO  LIVE  BY .  and ,  yet ,  how  many  had  she  sinned  against  since  she'd  arrived  here ?  she'd  completely  forgotten  her  sunday  prayers ,  had  been  too  caught  up  in  the  world  of  the  abbey  to  keep  up  with  the  days  of  the  week .  surely  god  could  forgive  that .  honoring  her  mother  was  laughable  when  she'd  been  the  one  to  bring  her  into  this  world  and  let  her  be  taken ,  let  her  be  SOME  SORT  OF  EXPERIMENT .  had  she  even  tried  to  find  her ?  would  it  have  mattered ?

tears  run  down  hot  cheeks  as  she  tries  her  best  to  keep  her  composure  and  keep  her  glamor .  she  doesn't  want  to  hope  for  anything ,  doesn't  want  to  believe  that  anyone  could  look  at  her  and  see  SOMEONE  TO  SPEND  A  LIFE  WITH .  especially  someone  she'd  been  sent  to  help  sabotage .  she  was  everything  they  hated .  everything  they  were  supposed  to  hate .  everything  that  the  ministry  had  warned  them  to  watch  out  for …  wolf  in  sheep's  clothing .  and  here  she  was  in  the  hen  house ,  trying  to  keep  herself  hidden  in  the  shadows  while  she  decided  which  one  and  if  she  was  going  to  devour .  it's  stupid …  it's  absolutely  ridiculous  to  think  that  she  could  really  BUILD  A  LIFE  HERE  when  she  can't  even  decide  what  she's  supposed  to  be .

without  realizing  it ,  glamor  drops ,  tail  whipping  behind  her  as  tears  mix  with  the  fine  fuzz  on  her  cheeks .  the  little  ghoul  whose  growth  had  been  stunted .  the  little  ghoul  who  didn't  even  know  how  to  use  her  tail .  the  little  ghoul  who  didn't  know how  to  purr  or  how  to  growl .  the  little  ghoul  WHO  HAD  BEEN  TAUGHT  that  she  was  disgusting ,  that  looking  at  her  real  form  was  nausea  inducing ,  that  she  should  hide  every  inch  of  it  behind  a  body  she  was  only  mildly  happy  in .  the  little  ghoul  who  knows  it's  laughable  that  she  could  matter  to  anyone .  oh ,  but  she  deserves  this  punishment  doesn't  she ?  slipping  in  and  forgetting  for  just  a  little  while  that  she  wasn't  the  judith  THESE  PEOPLE  KNEW .

she's  thankful  for  the  privacy  of  perpetua's  suite  when  her  voice  comes  out  louder ,  sharper  than  she  expects .  “ understand  what ?  that  i've  been  caught  with  my  hand  in  the  cookie  jar ?  trying  to  have  my  cake  and  eat  it  too ? ”  a  loud  sniffle .  “ you  don't  have  to  rub  it  in  and  lie  to  me .  you  don't . ”  because  HOW  ELSE  COULD  THEY  WANT  HER ?  she's  let  herself  get  caught  up  in  the  fairytale ,  somehow  forgetting  that  she'll  have  to  leave .  she'll  have  to  go  back  home  to  an  abbey  and  take  vows  that  would  take  any  hope  of  holding  the  vocalist's  hand .  back  home  to  where  she'd  have  to  pretend  that  she  wasn't  leaving  the  best  parts  of  herself  back  in  italy .  “ don't  you  get  it ?  even  if  i  matter  to  you …  even  IF  I  BELIEVED  THAT …  i'll  just  have  to  leave  and  wonder  what  could  have  been .  and  i  can't . ”