#perpetval

@perpetval said : i already lost my dignity, so cheers.

with perpetua , he's started enjoying rituals more and more . after cardi had stepped up to frater , there had been time for the others to get to know him , for them to know who he was and that he wasn't trying to replace aether . he was trying to be his own guitarist and even the congregation seemed to be taking to him , now . he'd started to show himself more . he'd started to spend more time with the ghouls , more time with perpetua ... and he was happy . there had been a time when he had been so sure he wouldn't be able to smile under his mask , wouldn't be able to feel like he belonged . but things had changed .

tonight's ritual had gone without issue ... mostly . the music was spot on , the congregation was excited , and perpetua had been in top form . nothing to complain about ... not really . maybe there had been a moment that had been less than perfect , but perpetua had made it seem intentional . a stumble back off of a step at the front of the stage . just something that had caught them off guard , off balance ... but they'd recovered quick enough that no one would notice . except for phantom who had quickly found a reason to get over to check on them .

he had never thought the stumble would have really stuck with them , hadn't even realized it until they got to the bar phantom was dragging them to ... post ritual date . he sat across from perpetua , fruity drink in hand as he raised a brow at the other . " think about it as an approval from terzo . wasn't he always tripping over things ? " a bright laugh as he took a sip through that stupid little straw . " don't let it get to you ... no one but you and i noticed . and i only noticed because i had a lot to watch . "

@perpetval asked : ❛ you know you aren’t allowed in here, right? ❜

⋆⭒˚.⋆   it isn't often that she and perpetua aren't in the same place . most meetings required both of them to make a decision or to hear opinions . while the final say always lay with the frater , their voices were always heard . it's hard to ignore the current papa and satan's chosen . but with a second leg of skeletour coming up , they have rehearsals to worry about while she has meetings and discussions and breakfasts and lunches that she would rather not be at . but , she knows it's for the best of the ministry .

doesn't change that she would rather be watching rehearsals .

but by the time her marketing meeting is done , she knows rehearsal is too close to finished to make sense to interrupt and , truthfully , her brain was too scrambled to do anything other than collapse on the couch in their suite . the ideas some of these people had for merchandise were ... special to say the least . someone had the nerve to bring up the idea of bath water . they were , thankfully , quickly tossed from the meeting . but there was still so much art to approve , so many t - shirt designs to make , plushies , and whatever else they could think of . the congregation would buy it . this time , though , she was pushing for ghoul items . which had led to the meeting going over far longer than it needed to .

mentally drained , she sprawls on the couch , legs kicked up on the back of the couch , head dangling off the edge , blonde hair brushing the floor , and phone in hand as she scrolls through reddit , giggling at some of the conspiracies and theories they have . she's snickering at something about the idea that perpetua is actually terzo in disguise and that copia was plotting a hostile takeover despite the fact that he already ran the damn place , when her partner comes home , without her hearing anything until they speak .

@perpetval said : you matter to me. i'll say it a thousand times until you understand.

                  IT  MUST  BE  SOME  SICK  JOKE ,  having  perpetua  confess  that  there's  some  sort  of  feelings  lingering  for  her .  her …  the  girl  who  can't  even  look  in  the  mirror  without  wanting  to  cry .  the  girl  who  has  been  lying  for  months  upon  months ,  though  maybe  that  made  her  a  sinner .  funny  how  the  catholic  church  had  been  the  ones  to  ask  her  to  lie  through  her  teeth ,  to  commit  a  sin  against  one  of  the  ten  commandments ,  the  words  SHE'S  BEEN  TOLD  TO  LIVE  BY .  and ,  yet ,  how  many  had  she  sinned  against  since  she'd  arrived  here ?  she'd  completely  forgotten  her  sunday  prayers ,  had  been  too  caught  up  in  the  world  of  the  abbey  to  keep  up  with  the  days  of  the  week .  surely  god  could  forgive  that .  honoring  her  mother  was  laughable  when  she'd  been  the  one  to  bring  her  into  this  world  and  let  her  be  taken ,  let  her  be  SOME  SORT  OF  EXPERIMENT .  had  she  even  tried  to  find  her ?  would  it  have  mattered ?

tears  run  down  hot  cheeks  as  she  tries  her  best  to  keep  her  composure  and  keep  her  glamor .  she  doesn't  want  to  hope  for  anything ,  doesn't  want  to  believe  that  anyone  could  look  at  her  and  see  SOMEONE  TO  SPEND  A  LIFE  WITH .  especially  someone  she'd  been  sent  to  help  sabotage .  she  was  everything  they  hated .  everything  they  were  supposed  to  hate .  everything  that  the  ministry  had  warned  them  to  watch  out  for …  wolf  in  sheep's  clothing .  and  here  she  was  in  the  hen  house ,  trying  to  keep  herself  hidden  in  the  shadows  while  she  decided  which  one  and  if  she  was  going  to  devour .  it's  stupid …  it's  absolutely  ridiculous  to  think  that  she  could  really  BUILD  A  LIFE  HERE  when  she  can't  even  decide  what  she's  supposed  to  be .

without  realizing  it ,  glamor  drops ,  tail  whipping  behind  her  as  tears  mix  with  the  fine  fuzz  on  her  cheeks .  the  little  ghoul  whose  growth  had  been  stunted .  the  little  ghoul  who  didn't  even  know  how  to  use  her  tail .  the  little  ghoul  who  didn't  know how  to  purr  or  how  to  growl .  the  little  ghoul  WHO  HAD  BEEN  TAUGHT  that  she  was  disgusting ,  that  looking  at  her  real  form  was  nausea  inducing ,  that  she  should  hide  every  inch  of  it  behind  a  body  she  was  only  mildly  happy  in .  the  little  ghoul  who  knows  it's  laughable  that  she  could  matter  to  anyone .  oh ,  but  she  deserves  this  punishment  doesn't  she ?  slipping  in  and  forgetting  for  just  a  little  while  that  she  wasn't  the  judith  THESE  PEOPLE  KNEW .

she's  thankful  for  the  privacy  of  perpetua's  suite  when  her  voice  comes  out  louder ,  sharper  than  she  expects .  “ understand  what ?  that  i've  been  caught  with  my  hand  in  the  cookie  jar ?  trying  to  have  my  cake  and  eat  it  too ? ”  a  loud  sniffle .  “ you  don't  have  to  rub  it  in  and  lie  to  me .  you  don't . ”  because  HOW  ELSE  COULD  THEY  WANT  HER ?  she's  let  herself  get  caught  up  in  the  fairytale ,  somehow  forgetting  that  she'll  have  to  leave .  she'll  have  to  go  back  home  to  an  abbey  and  take  vows  that  would  take  any  hope  of  holding  the  vocalist's  hand .  back  home  to  where  she'd  have  to  pretend  that  she  wasn't  leaving  the  best  parts  of  herself  back  in  italy .  “ don't  you  get  it ?  even  if  i  matter  to  you …  even  IF  I  BELIEVED  THAT …  i'll  just  have  to  leave  and  wonder  what  could  have  been .  and  i  can't . ”

semi - plotted starter for @perpetval

｢ ANTONELLA. ｣ —   she had packed up her little green sedan before the dirt had settled on her mother's grave . she'd put the house up for sale the day she'd planned the funeral , knowing that she couldn't bring herself to live there again , not wanting to . she had taken very little ... only what could fit in the car . clothes , cards she'd kept from her father , every picture she had of him , and a phone of pictures of her mother . she doesn't need much . not when she's kicking off across the country to try to find the family she'd lost .

maybe it was stupid , but she spent the entire thirty six hours in the car listening to her father's and her uncle's psalms on repeat . it's the only way she hears his voice and she's thankful because it means she'll never forget what it sounds like . not to mention ... she needed to prepare herself . she's not sure if anyone remembers her or if anyone knows about her . and she's even less sure if anyone is going to believe her . but she has to try .

the frater and the papa are the only family she has left .

toni probably should have gone through the front door like everyone else but she didn't want to deal with whatever security there was or whoever would be gatekeeping papa perpetua [ aunt ? uncle ? ] . and there was part of her that just wanted to know that there were passages she'd followed her father through that still existed ... somewhere she could chase his ghost . and she needs to know if they're memories or dreams because things fade and it's been thirteen years since she's walked these halls .

but with two photo albums , each page packed with pictures of terzo's biggest secret , she's not completely surprised when she finds herself pushing open a floor to ceiling painting to step into an empty hall , the door to the papal suite in front of her . she can see a faint light drifting from under the door . for a moment , she's five again ... being tucked into a tour chest , and wheeled by her father to see uncle secondo . it's the first time sadness touches her eyes at the thought of being here ... her uncle [ that one ] won't be there .

@perpetval : "You’re distracting me, you know." 𝔪𝔢𝔪𝔢 — ( ⛧ )

𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐬𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦, ears perking as he hears the antipope speak. there's a grin pulling to his lips that doesn't quite give away his guilt in being the distraction yet also doesn't clear his name despite how much he'd like to play innocent. and in his defense, he wasn't intentionally distracting them. he was just doing his own thing, not even being particularly obnoxious. just humming to himself. that still didn't make it any less satisfying when silence was broken from perpetua.

❝ 𝐰𝐡𝐨, 𝐦𝐞 ? ❞ the chaos ghoul bats his eyes in faux innocence as he looks over at the other, propping himself to sit upright on the half-wall dividing two parts of the room before hopping down, wandering his way over to peek over their shoulder. ❝ what'cha doin' so important anyways ? ❞

color him curious. swiss was nosey and wasn't shy about it. golden eyes bright and eager to see whatever it was he'd been a distraction from. ❝ haven't seen you move for hours. ❞ maybe it was an exaggeration, but it sure did feel like it to him.

@perpetval mused: The universe is deathless. It is deathless because having no finite self, it stays infinite.

𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒; 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆. (accepting)

Dewdrop can't help but stare at them for a minute, rendered speechless in a way that so rarely happens when it comes to Papas past or present.

It's the kind of shit he expects out of Mountain when he's higher than Everest off of whatever new blend he's conco- ...

@perpetval wrote: 🎁 ( for ivy, copia, core, or whoever else in your ghost roster!)

Frater sits at his desk, having been forced from sitting on the luxurious couch or the floor in front of his former "desk" onto a proper one he simply just sits. His eyes are empty as it stares at his old computer screen, one he actually knows how to work, but he's staring at nothing. Even the old Windows screen saver that made interesting patterns had run out of new patterns. "Everybody leaves one day..." he mumbles under his breath, not really aware he's no longer alone in his office, for whatever reason.