#pepotour

Duke is mildly surprised; not because of what was said, but perhaps because he never expected it to be said.

“…Is that so?” He wonders just how often Alexei has considered that–missing Duke. How many times has he thought about missing the man who abandoned him, beneath the bitterness the loneliness had caused? Then again, perhaps the same could be said of Duke. Alexei had never lost Duke’s respect as the man he knew, but how often had he stopped to consider their past friendship and genuinely miss him? 

Maybe that stopped, when Alexei was drawn toward the wrong path. But even then it was likely still true–after all, facing him personally had been out of the question, and he never would have approached Alexei after everything was over if that feeling hadn’t been there. Or at least, that’s what he thinks.

He’s gazing out, still lost in thought; their exchanges of words, thrown fists and a fight that released most all the tension… They were like a pair of raucous knights all over again in that moment. Dueling each other was commonplace back then, too; though Duke was often the victor. The turn in tables enabled Duke to realise how skilled Alexei had become–realise how much he had missed after all.  

He lets out a sigh, and he turns his head to glance at Alexei–typically sat with his nose in a notebook of his. 

Her temper towards her former boss was beginning to cool. Whenever she heard word of a strange, seedy man lingering outside of Heliord, other pieces lined up just as they had the last time she had found him. He was not far from civilization, but far enough to keep from being bothered should he so want peace. He was no pushover so monsters were no threat. It was with a mixture of distrust and near-sympathy that she took on her own task of seeking him out.

If anything, she just wanted to understand. There had been a good man in there once. There had been a man she would have ( and had ) died for. Surely some echo of him remained, despite what had been done.

[2015-10-13 11:51:55 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: it's a bit late for that boss.

[2015-10-13 11:53:22 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ... Leave me be.

[2015-10-14 12:13:00 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: Isn't that what got us into this whole mess in the first place?

[2015-10-14 12:13:56 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: I don't believe that quite matters anymore, do you? What is done, is done.

[2015-10-14 12:33:20 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: You say that, but it's been eating away at you hasn't it?

[2015-10-14 12:34:02 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: Would you believe me even if I were to say yes?

[2015-10-14 12:36:28 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: Yes.

[2015-10-14 12:38:01 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ... why does this matter to you?

[2015-10-14 12:41:08 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( Isn't that obvious? After everything that happened? ) I...I messed up. I never stopped to think about anyone but myself. I could have helped you.

[2015-10-14 12:44:38 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: >There's a movement to stand, straightening shoulders out, shaking his head< Stop. I do not want to hear that from you.

[2015-10-14 12:58:07 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: Then what do you want to hear? You saw what could have happened. You were happy. We all were.

[2015-10-14 12:59:57 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: But that was wrong. We, this, was the correct end. Even if we do not like it. Even if it eats away at me. It does not matter.

[2015-10-14 1:07:30 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: How could you say that? We made a mess out of everything here. ( We. Not just you. )

[2015-10-14 1:09:11 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: I say that, because it is how it is. How could one possibly call it we when it was I at the controls?

[2015-10-14 1:12:30 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: I could have said no at any time.

[2015-10-14 1:13:00 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: To the man who could kill and-or blackmail you at any time?

[2015-10-14 1:27:50 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: You asked me to die for you and I did. Do you really think a threat like that would have deterred me?

[2015-10-14 1:29:54 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: It has before. (Though that was different. That would have been suicide.)

[2015-10-14 1:32:29 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ...that's not the same. Just because I decided to live didn't mean I was afraid to die. I could have said no. Damuron in that world did.

[2015-10-14 1:34:58 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: But you are not him. I am not that Alexei. Thus, this argument is pointless.

[2015-10-14 1:49:43 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: I know. We can never have what they had. ( He had a son. A son. A proper-- gods, he never even learned he boy's name. ) But I think...what I'm trying to say is... ( How? How does he put this into words? ) I-... ( Does he mean it? No, he's not willing to go that far, not yet. ) I don't forgive what you did, but it was my fault too. I always tried to run away from that fact and put it on you. Neither of us deserve forgiveness but the difference is that I got it anyways.

[2015-10-14 1:53:54 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ... ( Why did he not deserve forgiveness? He was always merely a puppet, a stepping stone, a tool, something to be sharpened and re-used as Alexei had seen fit. There was no reason why Raven had not to be forgiven... him however. Alexei was quite different. ) ...why... ( his chest ached, his eyes were burning, though no tears were coming yet, there was so much confusion. His planning ahead ... he could have sworn that none of this would ever happen. ) ...this makes no sense. ( No logical sense. He had to run on logistics. Had to keep himself from hurting just enough so that he could keep face. Keep people believing what they saw. Cold ... hard ... cruel. )

[2015-10-14 2:10:20 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( Alexei was close to falling apart. Raven could see that clearly. It was an unfamiliar sight. Or was it just one he'd always ignored? He's been so blind. ) You're trying to make up for everything too, aren't you? ( Why else was Alexei still standing, despite how poorly he attended to his own needs. Why else had he saved Raven last time?  ) You could join me.

[2015-10-14 2:19:32 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: No ... yes ...? ( He couldn't make up for everything. Alexei could never make up for it. That was always painfully clear. He simply wanted to do something. Something to help ... something to fix anything that had gone wrong ... and he didn't know if he could. ) Why are you doing this? ( what was his angle? Why was he trying to make it right? Why did that ... weird ... thing make Raven suddenly wish to try and talk to him? Why .. .why ... why?! ) >Clenches his eyes shut to stop the burning.< ( Stop the burning, stop the feeling in his throat clogging up, stop the itching of his nose, this wasn't him. This was never him. )

[2015-10-15 12:15:38 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( of course you could never make up for all of it. You just have to try to, don't you? ) I'm doing this because I should have done it a long time ago.

[2015-10-15 1:34:04 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( He wants to say no. He wants to just demand that this is all some trick. Some ploy for him to lose his guard and then be turned in. There was no way … no possible way … ) …I … ( why was Raven doing this to him? )

[2015-10-15 1:43:05 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( You could always read him so well, Alexei. So? Is he lying? ) It's not easy, I know.

[2015-10-15 2:02:01 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( He recognizes the truth, but he doesn’t want to. It feels wrong. It feels like something’s twisted up inside of this that is going to hurt him if he let’s it get too close. ) …do you really? ( Does he recognize the weeks Alexei spent worrying, does he recognize the paranoia that crawled so close to the surface, the damage he could not fix, the suffering, the nightmares, the inability to eat, let alone desire to? Does he know? Alexei didn’t want him to. He barely wanted to know himself. ) I’m so tired …

[2015-10-15 2:25:40 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( This wasn't easy for him either. Ever since he had thought he'd lost Alexei it had been difficult to put to rest the conflict he had about the man. His own experiences, his apathy, his memories, better times fading to recent injustices all hidden behind a thick glass case of apathy. Buried because it was easier than cracking open to examine, then dug back up with the man's return. ) I don't know. Help me understand. ( We're not the same person. You never ran away like I did. But I may be closer than you think. I've seen that look before, in the mirror after another sleepless night, wondering what would I possibly do if we failed to save Estellise. ) You don't have to do this alone.

[2015-10-15 2:40:34 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: And what do you have for proof of that?

( What past experiences did Alexei have to be assured? How could he not assume that the other wouldn’t grow sick of trying and simply leave him like before. Betray him, like before. How could he expect anything else? How was he to expect anything less ) I, unlike that man, never had the privilege of having people wishing to empathize, slap me into doing the right thing, anything. ( That’s a lie. He did, once … when he was young, very young. And then everyone died. )

[2015-10-15 6:20:29 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( Alexei was right to doubt. He'd failed the man for too long. The words cut a fresh wound deeper. Why had it taken Raven so long to see? ) I know. I'm sorry, I failed you. ( If he had been stronger, he could have been a friend to Alexei rather than...whatever the hell he had been. He could have made something of that decade, for both of them. ) Give me another chance.

[2015-10-15 10:38:47 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( He failed you? No ... no, Raven didn't see ... Raven didn't notice how far Alexei had fallen, how much the ex-commandant himself had failed. It was him who had to stand. It was him who should have been stronger. That was what he had been looked to for. ) That was not what I meant. ( It was a mutter, staring into his hands, looking at built callouses ) Another... do you truly trust me enough for that second chance?

[2015-10-16 2:13:16 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( Of course you weren't free of fault. He'll never excuse what you --both of us-- did. ) Yes. ( You saved him. So far that was not a debt you have called upon, or even seemed to have any interest to. That wasn't like you, not unless you meant it. ) I can't speak for the others but-- yes. I do.

[2015-10-16 10:45:05 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ... Fuck ... ( it was so soft a mutter, his fingers streaming through silver hair, ducking his head. He didn't cuss, not unless it truly bothered or rattled him. His fingers were shaking and the attempt to hide them was almost impossible. ) ... Raven, I ... ( he had been watching for weeks, avoiding, skirting around, attempting to keep hidden so as to not hurt anyone else other than himself ) ... I don't know what to say ... ( speechless. For the first time in years. )

[2015-10-16 1:13:42 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( He understood. It was the same feeling as when he had offered Yuri his knife, and had not received the bladed edge in return. Nobody had extended that second chance to you. Your reaction is genuine, so contrary to the composed mask you always wear. ) Then how about we start with a "yes"? Come with me.

[2015-10-16 5:14:00 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( Would he die? Would the last shred of his conscious be torn to pieces? This felt like a trap, his paranoia screaming at him, but when he looks towards you … you are being honest. And that … combined with this interaction scares him. ) …alright…

[2015-10-16 7:23:57 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( A knot of tension eased away while others took its place. This was the start of a very difficult road but nobody has to take it alone, not this time. There was only one thing left to do before they get everything started. Fingers curled into a fist, and you receive a sharp cuff to the head. ) There, was that so hard? Consider yourself to have someone ta slap ya inta doin' the right thing then. ( He offers an easy grin. )

[2015-10-16 7:38:55 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( The slap came to him as a surprise, his eyes widening if only slightly before they close. Clenching teeth, head lowered … why was that … oddly comforting … just like before. ) You … have you yet to learn to stop stealing other people’s words? ( the phrase was thick, carefully pushed out as-to not allow the emotions so cringingly near the edge out )

[2015-10-16 9:43:09 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: Not like you're the first ones ta say it. ( That was more difficult than he let show. What all this meant. Taking responsibility. He could see how hard you were taking it, the threatening tears. He hesitates, reaches out, putting a firm grip on your shoulder. This wasn't too hard. This was a role he's stepped into often in recent months. ) Relax. You don't have to hold back anymore.

[2015-10-16 9:53:32 PM | Edited 9:53:40 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( He shakes his head. Perhaps not, but it was still true. He was attempting to pull himself back, reign himself in. Keep everything together, because he needed to. If he broke now, he would not be able to keep himself together afterwards. His gaze lingers, there's almost a nervous shuffle back as hands lift, pressing to his shoulders. The hold, more stable and firm than he expected ... )

  ... Yes I do ... ( oh spirits above someone save him, he felt his muscles tensing and his breath catching in the back of his throat. )

[2015-10-16 10:17:05 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( You stubborn... Raven had offered all he could in words. He does not allow you to back away from his grip, and in fact pulls you in close. The other hand wraps around as well as the one on the shoulder drops in a hug. )

[2015-10-16 10:28:56 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( Being pulled close nearly snaps Alexei. His fingers move, finding the others coat and begin to shove him away before just resting there, clinging quietly. His breathings awkward, his eyes are wide ... What did he do? He hadn't done this in ... Years. Polite movements were always in his repertoire, but this was ... Personal. Way too personal, and ... ) I will return that slap later, ( he whispers it softly as he moves forward, fingers letting go of cloth to wrap more securely around, clinging a bit more heartedly as his head ducks into the other's shoulder. Quiet tears spilling as shaking fingers refuse to let go or allow Raven movement to see his face in this ghastly state. )

[2015-10-16 10:51:39 PM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( He expected to be shoved away, for the hands tightening around his coat to escalate into something more than a half-hearted attempt to get away. But that's all he got, before they loosened with a promise of retribution. Raven could only chuckle in response at that, a retort dying on his tongue as the walls finally broke. His own breath caught, having expected it, having asked for it, but still feeling so suddenly unprepared. He's never had to be a pillar for you before. And that was his failing. Relaxing, he gives you a squeeze, and the hand against your back makes small reassuring motions, fighting to keep his own breathing even. )

[2015-10-16 11:05:21 PM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( No one is allowed to see this. Only as a small child had he cried openly in front of others, and he had been scolded for it. Told that when he was older, to allow for such emotions would be to give others tools against you. His tears are quiet as they drip down, staining Raven's shoulder, his shaking hands tensing to a degree where his arms and shoulders began to quiver. Reassuring movements taken without comment, attempting, despite letting some go, tried to keep himself from falling that much further. )

[12:05:17 AM] Cherry | kokuunokamen: ( You're still holding back, the sobbing stopped at your throat and the tension settling into your muscles, setting them shaking. You're too used to suffering in silence. But this was at least a start. He stays quiet too, just offering his physical support, working at keeping his breathing even. In, hold, out. He's gotten so much better in recent months, but being this close, the contact, the warmth against his chest, the unfamiliarity of the situation... eyes closed and he leans against you too, allowing himself to ease somewhat from the composure he's kept for this meeting.

He's never seen you like this before. )

[12:25:46 AM] Herpsy | chaoticxtrust: ( He is not used to crying. Not anymore … He remembers being caught once. Once so long ago in his chambers with papers scattered around him, telling him of his friends death, tears dripping down his face as his hand had clapped around his mouth. He had attempted —and succeeded— in hiding those tears back, swallowing the pain that enveloped his chest and made everything worse. It hurt, it had hurt so bad …

Puella Magi Madoka Magika Sentence Starters | Accepting

His breathing was quick, deep, gasping desperately for breath as the pain in his chest intensified. His head swam, the whirring of the Blastia frighteningly slow where a frantic heartbeat should be.

Damuron had pushed it too hard. He was always so careful, keenly aware of the device in his chest and the odd flow of blood. It always felt so delicate, the thought of it making him sick to his stomach. The one time he was given the mercy of it slipping his mind, it reminded him again. Forcefully.

“I– I know.” Somehow the words were forced out with what little breath he could muster, the cutting edge dulled by the pain and borderline panic. What was happening to him?

It was the first time out on a long trip for most of Damuron’s Brigade. They tended not to be as good as the ones he was used to fighting beside, but he did his best not to judge. The best had all given their lives and those who remained were doing what they could to fill the void. Besides, he held the title of Captain after all, one he knew that he did not deserve if circumstances were any different. The knights will take many years to recover.

“You think any of them have noticed yet?” He asked the Commandant riding beside him, hiding a smirk at the little trick they’ve set up for the brigade. Their mission was to go to Halure and escort a noble family safely back to Zaphias.