#pencrafter

When we get lost, the initial response is to be afraid, and overtime, you take a look around you then figure out how to get back. I think You built me different.

When I get lost, I stay being lost. I don’t look around for any markers to indicate where I am nor do I ask around how to get back. I just stay lost for a while and then take my phone to book a ride home. I get lost a lot but I find joy in it and I am not going to correct that. If directional disorder is a deadly disease, I’ll take it with me to my grave.

Now that I’m lost, I don’t want to be found, Mr. God. Not by people, not by anyone. I’m not afraid of the idea of being lost because I know you know where I am and you always find me even on the days when I don’t ask to be found.

In this solitary place called Lost Island, I am in peace and this is the peace I crave for all the time. I don’t want to be found, Mr. God. Just please remind me You know where I am.

Xoxo,

Dear older self,

I hope you still rewatch OBS and find yourself smiling ang your heart fluttering. And when you watch it yet again, I hope you get to remember the way Choi Ung loved Kook Yun-seo because that’s how you deserve to be loved, always, always.

When they tell you it’s too much and your standards are high as the sky, I hope you don’t cower. Stand your ground, Love. You know your worth and never again will you beg to be treated gently, to be loved genuinely.

Remember, you didn’t wait this long for a man who can’t man up for you. You didn’t wait this long to be loved only when it’s convenient for them to love you. You didn’t wait this long only to be abandoned when things get tough. You didn’t wait this long to try to talk to them when they can happily go on in their lives without you talking to them.

You, too deserve the peace they agonizingly ask from you. You, too deserve to be someone a man lowers his pride for. You, too deserve to feel like someone is afraid to lose you.

Stop playing the smallest woman who ever lived.

You deserve a Choi Ung who would reach out. You deserve a Choi Ung who has no pride when it comes to loving you. You deserve a Choi Ung who would be very afraid to lose you.

Xoxo,

Dear older self,

I hope you become someone who’s more afraid of losing yourself than losing someone else. I hope you stand your ground whenever the people you love choses to be absent when it’s difficult.

I hope you don’t beg for people to stay in your life, once again. I hope you set yourself free from those who treat you like you’re some person they could get rid of whenever it’s convenient for them.

I hope you will never beg to communicate anymore. I hope you finally consider your worth and how amazing you are even without them.

Breathe, my strong, independent woman. You can fly solo, Darling. Trust me, you’ll be fine.