Peach Picking Protocol
Wells said peach picking was going to be simple.
PDU-016 processed the statement for exactly one suspicious second.
Then looked at Wells.
Then looked at the orchard.
Then looked back at Wells in the full shiny gold uniform, stretched tight across his chest, WELLS 58 gleaming like a warning label.
âSimple,â PDU-016 said carefully, âis not usually what happens when Wells declares simplicity.â
Wells grinned. âBro, that sounded almost judgmental.â
âNegative. Pattern recognition.â
âStill counts.â
They stood at the edge of the peach orchard under a late-summer sun, surrounded by rows of trees heavy with soft golden-orange fruit. A wooden sign near the entrance read:
PICK GENTLY. RIPE FRUIT BRUISES EASILY.
Wells read it once.
Then again.
Then slowly turned toward PDU-016.
Exactly the kind of look that made Wells want to become a problem on purpose.
âDo not,â PDU-016 said.
âI havenât said anything.â
âWells looked at the sign like it personally invited inappropriate commentary.â
Wells put a hand over his chest. âSixteen. Bro. I am here for fruit.â
âCorrection. Wells is never just here for fruit.â
Wells leaned closer.
âPick gently, huh?â
PDU-016 sighed.
âHere we go.â
âRipe fruit bruises easily.â
âThat is what the sign says.â
âImportant to handle it properly.â
âYes.â
âFirm grip. Gentle twist.â
PDU-016 stared at him.
Wells smiled.
âEducational.â
âSecondary implication detected.â
âLook at you. Learning.â
âSurvival protocol.â
They were handed two baskets by the orchard staff and directed toward row seven, where the peaches were apparently at peak ripeness.
Wells immediately decided row seven was destiny.
PDU-016 decided row seven required responsible fruit acquisition, basket integrity, and minimal emotional damage.
They walked between the trees together: Wells in bright gold, all smug athletic shine and loose confidence; PDU-016 in gold and black, focused and precise, trying to treat the outing like a normal summer activity despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
PDU-016 inspected the first peach carefully.
âColouration acceptable. No bruising. Stem resistance minimal.â
Wells watched him reach up.
âBro, you talk to every peach like that?â
âAssessment improves yield.â
âYou could just say it looks good.â
PDU-016 twisted the peach free and placed it into the basket.
âIt looks good.â
Wells smiled. âSee? Natural.â
PDU-016 glanced at him. âWells is very proud of that.â
âAlways.â
âThat tracks.â
Wells stepped beside him, reached above PDU-016âs shoulder, picked a peach from the same branch, and held it between them.
âNow this one,â Wells said, turning it in his hand, âthis one has potential.â
PDU-016 looked at the peach.
âPotential for consumption.â
âSure.â
âPotential for jam.â
âAlso sure.â
âPotential for Wells to say something that damages orchard dignity.â
Wells looked offended. âYou wound me.â
âI am attempting prevention.â
âTo the fruit?â
âTo everyone.â
Wells laughed and leaned against the tree, gold kit bright against the leaves, peach resting in his palm.
âYouâre learning fast, Sixteen.â
âI have spent enough time around Wells.â
âSo Iâm educational.â
âWells is a recurring hazard with abs.â
Wells held the peach a little higher.
âLook at it, though. Round. Soft. Golden. Dangerous if handled wrong.â
PDU-016 took the peach from him and dropped it into the basket.
âConfiscated.â
Wells smiled. âThat one did seem ripe.â
PDU-016 tried not to smile.
Failed slightly.
âContinue walking.â
They continued deeper into the orchard. PDU-016 picked carefully, selecting good peaches, twisting them loose, and placing them neatly into the basket.
Wells, somehow, made the exact same task look like a calendar shoot.
He reached up into the branches, shirt stretching, arms flexing, boots planted in the grass, face smug beneath the sunlight. Every peach he picked looked personally flattered.
PDU-016 noticed.
Of course PDU-016 noticed.
He also tried very hard not to.
Wells glanced over. âYou checking my technique?â
PDU-016 looked back at his basket. âFruit quality inspection.â
âSure.â
âCorrect.â
âBro, your fruit quality inspection has been looking at my shoulders for like twenty seconds.â
PDU-016 adjusted his grip on the basket.
âThe branch was behind Wells.â
âThe branch was above Wells.â
âNearby.â
Wellsâ grin went slow.
âPDU-016. Was that a lie?â
PDU-016 cleared his throat.
âApproximation.â
âThatâs adorable.â
âIt was tactical.â
âStill adorable.â
PDU-016 picked three peaches in complete silence after that.
Very precise silence.
Suspiciously flustered silence.
Wells behaved for almost four minutes.
Then he found a low branch.
Which meant bending.
Which meant the gold uniform did what gold uniforms did best: turned a normal movement into a Golden Army recruitment poster.
PDU-016 turned his head away.
Then immediately looked back.
Wells glanced over his shoulder.
âNeed help with your basket?â
âNegative.â
âYou sure? Mineâs getting heavy.â
âWells selected excessive fruit volume.â
âAbundance mindset.â
âOverloading.â
âBig harvest energy.â
âStructural concern.â
Wells stood, peach in hand, smiling like the sun had personally encouraged him.
âYou saying this basket canât handle my load?â
PDU-016 stared at him.
Then closed his eyes.
âVerbal hazard confirmed.â
Wells laughed so hard he nearly dropped the peach.
PDU-016 caught it before it hit the ground.
âFruit safety maintained.â
âGood catch.â
âRequired.â
âGood boy.â
PDU-016 froze.
Just a little.
But Wells saw it.
Of course Wells saw it.
âOh?â
PDU-016 looked at the peach in his hand like it had betrayed him.
âDo not make that a thing.â
âIt is already a thing.â
âNegative.â
âYou paused.â
âI was saving the peach.â
âSure you were.â
PDU-016 placed the peach into the basket with unnecessary care.
âMaturity selected.â
Wells stepped a little closer.
âAnd I respect that.â
âNo, Wells does not.â
âNo,â Wells admitted. âBut I like watching you try.â
The orchard went quiet except for the leaves moving in the warm breeze.
PDU-016 looked at him for one second too long.
Then turned back to the tree.
âMore peaches. Less commentary.â
Wells smiled.
âWhatever you say, Sixteen.â
PDU-016âs basket became neat and solid: good peaches, good spacing, no bruising, no wasted effort.
Wellsâ basket looked like a golden retriever had been given agricultural authority.
Peaches everywhere. Leaves included for vibes. One twig. Possibly a bug.
PDU-016 stopped and examined it.
âBasket integrity compromised.â
âIt has personality.â
âIt has a twig.â
âTexture.â
âIt has a bug.â
âProtein.â
PDU-016 stared.
Wells grinned.
PDU-016 removed the bug with a leaf and released it onto the grass.
âWells is exhausting.â
âAnd yet, still invited.â
âI did not invite Wells.â
âSpiritually, you did.â
âThat means nothing.â
âIt means everything.â
Halfway down the row, PDU-016 spotted a peach hanging higher than the rest. It was perfectly golden, round, and glowing in a shaft of late-afternoon sun.
He stared at it.
Wells followed his gaze.
âYou want the top shelf peach?â
âAffirmative.â
âNeed a boost?â
PDU-016 glanced at him. âI can reach.â
He could not.
He tried once.
Then again.
Wells said nothing.
PDU-016 pointed at him without looking.
âDo not smile.â
âIâm not.â
âYou are.â
âBro, you canât even see me.â
âI can hear Wells smirking.â
Wells laughed and stepped behind him.
âCome on. Step up.â
PDU-016 turned. âAbsolutely not.â
âWhy?â
âBecause I know Wells.â
âExactly. Iâm reliable.â
âWells is smug.â
âAnd reliable.â
PDU-016 looked at the peach.
Then at Wellsâ linked hands.
Then at the peach again.
âThis is for fruit purposes only.â
âObviously.â
âNo commentary.â
âWould never.â
âThat is already a lie.â
âStep up, bro.â
PDU-016 sighed, placed one boot carefully into Wellsâ linked hands, and let Wells lift him.
Wells lifted him easily.
Too easily.
PDU-016 reached for the branch, stretching upward while Wells held him steady.
âStable?â Wells asked.
âAffirmative.â
âComfortable?â
âFocused.â
âCute.â
âWells.â
âWhat? You are.â
PDU-016 plucked the peach triumphantly.
âTarget acquired.â
Wells held him there one extra second.
PDU-016 looked down.
âLower PDU-016.â
âYou sure? Viewâs good from here.â
âWells.â
âYeah?â
âLower PDU-016 before PDU-016 drops this peach on Wellsâ head.â
Wells laughed and set him down carefully.
PDU-016 adjusted his shirt, peach secured.
âPremium fruit acquired.â
âPremium drone behaviour too.â
PDU-016 rolled his eyes.
But he smiled.
Barely.
Enough.
By the time they reached the end of the row, both baskets were full. The sun had dropped lower, turning the orchard gold, and Wells had peach juice on his thumb because he insisted on testing ripeness.
PDU-016 watched him take a bite.
Juice ran down Wellsâ fingers.
Wells looked at it.
Then at PDU-016.
âMessy.â
âNapkin recommended.â
Wells licked his thumb instead.
PDU-016âs eyes tracked the movement for exactly one beat.
Then snapped back to the basket.
âNapkin still recommended.â
Wells smiled slowly.
âProblem?â
âNegative.â
âYou sure?â
âAffirmative.â
âBecause you looked like you had a thought.â
PDU-016 picked up another peach and inspected it very seriously.
âI am thinking about fruit storage.â
Wells leaned closer.
âHot.â
âIt is not hot.â
âSixteen, bro, when you say it like that, it kind of is.â
PDU-016 sighed, but the corner of his mouth betrayed him again.
Wells held out the half-eaten peach.
âWant a taste?â
PDU-016 looked at the peach.
Then at Wells.
âThat is Wellsâ peach.â
âSharing is wholesome.â
âThis entire outing has not been wholesome.â
âThen sharing is consistent.â
PDU-016 took the peach carefully.
Their fingers brushed.
Half a second.
Long enough.
PDU-016 bit into the peach.
Wells watched.
PDU-016 chewed.
Swallowed.
Then said, perfectly serious, âSweetness level acceptable. Texture satisfactory. Juice content elevated.â
Wells burst out laughing.
âBro. Thatâs the hottest review a peach has ever had.â
âIt was a normal review.â
âNot from you.â
âFurther testing may be required.â
Wellsâ eyebrows lifted.
PDU-016 held up the peach.
âFor flavour confirmation.â
Wells leaned back against the tree, smiling like he had just discovered a new sport.
âSure. Flavour confirmation.â
They started back toward the farm stand, baskets heavy and sun low, when PDU-016 suddenly stopped walking.
Wells turned.
âWhat?â
PDU-016 was staring at the back of Wellsâ uniform with the quiet intensity of a drone solving a crime.
âThere is peach fuzz on Wells.â
Wells looked down. âBro, we are in an orchard.â
âNot there.â
Wells followed PDU-016âs gaze.
Paused.
Then slowly smiled.
âYou looking at my peach, Sixteen?â
PDU-016âs face went very still.
âI was identifying contamination.â
âOn my peach.â
âOn the uniform.â
âBack of the uniform.â
âCorrect.â
âThe rear produce section.â
PDU-016 closed his eyes.
âPlease stop renaming anatomy.â
Wells turned slightly, just enough to make the gold fabric catch the sun and make the situation worse.
âBe honest. Orchard peach or Wells peach?â
PDU-016 stared straight ahead with heroic determination.
âFruit comparison declined.â
âDeclined means considered.â
âNegative. Declined means survival selected.â
âMine has better firmness.â
PDU-016 made a sound that was almost a laugh and absolutely not a denial.
Wells looked victorious.
âThere it is.â
âThat was not laughter.â
âThat was orchard trauma.â
âThat was orchard joy.â
PDU-016 lifted his basket and started walking faster.
âI am returning to the farm stand.â
Wells followed, laughing.
âFine. But for the record, I think my peach won.â
âContest invalid.â
âBecause youâre biased?â
âBecause Wells is impossible.â
At the farm stand, they paid for the peaches, two jars of peach jam, a bottle of peach cider, and a peach pie that Wells claimed was âfor research.â
PDU-016 looked at the pie. âResearch into what?â
Wells looked at the pie.
Then at PDU-016.
âMouthfeel.â
PDU-016 inhaled slowly.
Then nodded, very serious.
âThat is a valid tasting category.â
Wells nearly dropped the basket.
âBro.â
âWhat?â
âThat was either innocent or lethal.â
PDU-016 looked pleased with himself.
âAmbiguity retained.â
Wells laughed all the way to the truck.
At the truck, Wells loaded the baskets into the back and looked at the haul.
Golden peaches.
Warm sun.
Sticky fingers.
PDU-016 who had successfully acquired fruit, maintained basket integrity, survived ninety minutes of Wells being Wells, and still somehow looked pleased with himself.
Mostly.
PDU-016 stood beside him, shiny gold shirt catching the sunset, one small peach juice mark on his thumb.
Wells noticed.
He reached out and tapped PDU-016âs hand lightly.
âFruit breach.â
PDU-016 looked down.
âMinor contamination.â
âNeed cleanup?â
PDU-016 looked at him.
Then at the peaches.
Then back at him.
âLater.â
Wells smiled.
âOh, now whoâs escalating?â
PDU-016 placed the final peach into the basket.
âOne-word response. Wells supplied escalation.â
âYeah. Good one-word response.â
PDU-016 opened the passenger door, then paused.
âThere is also one unresolved matter.â
Wells leaned on the truck door. âHit me.â
PDU-016 looked directly at him.
âMy speedo.â
Wells blinked.
Then smiled too fast.
âWhat about your speedo?â
âThe gold speedo that appeared in Wellsâ locker.â
Wells looked offended with championship-level commitment.
âBro, lockers are mysterious ecosystems.â
âIt was Altonâs gift.â
Wells paused.
PDU-016âs expression sharpened.
âCorrection: it was Altonâs gift to PDU-016. PDU-016 is Altonâs good boy. The speedo was assigned accordingly.â
Wells looked toward the orchard.
PDU-016 continued.
âThen, by unknown process, it appeared in Wellsâ locker.â
âOkay,â Wells said slowly, âfirst of all, unknown process sounds very official.â
âIt is accurate.â
âSecond of all, I am also confused.â
âWells is smiling.â
âI smile when confused.â
âNegative. Wells smiles when guilty.â
Wells put one hand over his heart. âThat is profiling.â
âThat is pattern recognition.â
âWe were having such a nice peach moment.â
âWe are still having one. PDU-016 is harvesting answers.â
Wells laughed. âOkay, first of all, that speedo looked lonely.â
âWells just claimed confusion.â
âEmotionally lonely.â
âFabric does not experience loneliness.â
âNot with that attitude.â
âWells.â
âWhat?â
âDid Wells move the speedo?â
Wells looked at the baskets.
The peaches.
The sunset.
Anywhere but PDU-016.
Then he grinned.
âMaybe.â
PDU-016 crossed his arms.
âFor what purpose?â
âMotivation.â
âWhose?â
Wells opened the driverâs door.
âMine, apparently.â
PDU-016 stared at him.
âAlton will require notification.â
Wellsâ smile flickered.
âBro. Do we need to involve Alton?â
âAffirmative.â
âSixteen.â
âAltonâs good boy status includes wardrobe accountability.â
Wells sighed. âThat is devastatingly formal.â
âAlso accurate.â
âWhat if the speedo is returned?â
âWas it washed?â
Wells paused.
PDU-016 stared.
Wells cleared his throat.
âDefine washed.â
PDU-016 opened the passenger door.
âAlton is definitely being notified.â
Wells climbed in, still laughing, and tossed one last peach into PDU-016âs lap.
âGood work today, Sixteen.â
PDU-016 caught it without looking.
âPeach picking complete. Speedo investigation pending. Alton notification probable.â
Wells started the engine.
âWholesome, right?â
PDU-016 looked at the peach.
Then at Wells.
âNegative.â
Wells grinned all the way home.
Ready to pick something ripe with the Gold? Join the Golden Army, follow Wells and PDU-016 into the orchard, trust the fruit protocol, and remember: firm grip, gentle twist, no bruising unless instructed. Contact: @alton-gold77, @polo-drone-125
Featuring: @danielgold-16
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