#pbb 2015

Author’s Notes:

Well this fic has been a bit of a bumpy ride. Everything to google docs refusing to give people sharing permissions to skype crashing at a vital point (this is the second time I’ve had to type this out, my computer crashed and deleted the first time). However it has totally been compensated by my absolutely amazing team: @damndanandphil (who has managed to cure me of my incurable run-on sentence addiction, as well as being an extremely amazing and informative beta) and @goindanswingin (who I would be happy to scream about CERN with for 7 hours striaght and does absolutely incredible artwork! (coming soon, watch this space)). Literally the best team I could’ve asked for thank you so much!

A huge thank you to all the Phandom Big Bang Mods for organising this gigantic thing! Massive shoutout to Whitney! The most awesome squad leader who really saved this fic and tiny, special shoutout to Kirouji for exemplary handling of a difficult situation on another fic (that unfortunately didn’t finish). 

A miniscule shoutout to my bestest friend @expressingangerthroughthepiano who, despite not knowing what the PBB fic is and not even being a Phan shipper, was prepared to withold skyping privileges from me until I’d finished writing this fic

Also slightly weird shoutout to Neil Gaiman, for coming up with the original plot of Stardust in the first place and a huge thank you to our overlords, Dan and Phil for having such incredibly writable personalities.

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There was once a young man who wished to gain his Heart’s Desire.

The man in question was named Philip Michael Lester. He was handsome to say the least at an appreciable height of 6’1, with darkened hair that often shrouded his cloud blue eyes. He was infatuated with a young woman by the name of Victoria Forester. Alas he was not the first nor the last to be pulled in by the traps of her fitted gowns and storm-grey eyes. But out of the long parade of suitors in young Victoria Forester’s life, his is perhaps, the most interesting story to tell.

It is the tale of a man and a star, a tale of starlight, witches and brown eyes staring into blue. It is a tale of love, dreams and half-forbidden heartaches.

It is a tale of love and hate, light and dark, night and day.

It is a tale of stardust.

This faerie-tale begins, as most of them do, in the village of Wall.

Wall is a tiny windswept settlement sheltered in the cleft of a valley between two moorlands. It is often considered quite a dreary place. The only people foolish enough to live there being the descendants of the original settlers whose entire families have lived their entire life, from their birth to their death, in the village.

The village of Wall, as it happens, takes its name from an actual wall located a mere mile from the village itself. Long and crumbling, the stones are weathered down by the centuries of mist and rain of the moors. The wall stretches across the entire valley, almost six miles in length. The only way to the other side of the wall is the small gap, no more than three feet wide, in the crumbling stone structure. Children are warned at an early age about the consequences of crossing the wall. The nightmares that lurk in the lands beyond are chilling enough that only madmen and starstruck fools ever consider crossing.

And while Phil Lester is not mad, he is most certainly starstruck, perhaps in more ways than one.

And so this brings us to the start of our story. A midnight picnic for two on the side of a windswept moor. Phil is rambling on breathlessly about Wuthering Heights, Victoria is sitting with her knees drawn up to her chin. She is staring at the night sky very slightly bored and wishing that she could return to her copy of Twilight awaiting her by the warm fire.

“-I think it’s stupid how Cathy chooses Linton! Her Heart’s Desire throughout the story was obviously to love Heathcliff and be loved by him in full! I mean-”

Victoria, quite gladly, never did find out what Phil meant as she happened to spy a flash of light in the dark canopy arching over them “Oh look!” she cried out, tossing her long blonde hair behind her in a vain manner. “A shooting star!”

Phil broke away from his rapturous gaze of Victoria to glimpse the faint flash of the falling star. He watched as it zipped through the sky, heading in the direction of the wall before finally vanishing behind the distant horizon of the lands beyond the wall.

“What did you wish for?” Victoria asked, barely stifling a yawn with the back of her gloved hand.

Phil turned his ocean blue gaze back to her “My Heart’s Desire.” he said simply.

Victoria forced a petite smile onto her angelic face to mask her boredom “And what is your Heart’s Desire?”

“My true love.” Phil answered instantly, returning his gaze to the sky. “For me to love them and for them to love me.”

Victoria smiled almost patronisingly at the simple wish, “They’d be a fool not to love you.” she said, this time with a hint of sincerity, for even though she didn’t love Phil she was fond of him, and agreed that he deserved to be happy.

The next words were long in coming. They were three very simple words, yet they are the reason this story exists to this day.

“Marry me Victoria.”

“I’m sorry?” Victoria asked, turning to face Phil.

“Victoria Anne Forester, will you marry me?” Phil repeated, his face only portraying the rapturous seriousness of a person so very deeply in love with the wrong person.

Victoria tipped back her head and laughed, a long pitiful, bitter sound. “Marry you?” she asked patronisingly. “And what would you have to offer me? I own the hearts of every young man in this village, and some of the older ones as well. Joe Sugg has promised to bring me a ring made of a million sparkling diamonds. Charlie McDonnell has declared that he shall travel to Australia and bring me back a coral necklace carved from the Great Barrier Reef. Even Zoe’s fiancé! The oh-so-loyal Alfie Deyes has pledged to travel to travel throughout space and time, an impossible feat in itself, so he can bring me back a bucketful of stardust from the fabled Medusa Cascade! What do you possibly have to offer me that will triumph over any of these?” Victoria finished, confident in her victory.

Now this was the point where any sane person would’ve slapped Victoria and walked away, leaving behind a quite permanent red handprint upon her shocked cheek. But as we have mentioned before, Phil Lester is not at all sane. He is after all, a dreamer.

Managing to only look crestfallen for a single moment, Phil took Victoria’s hand and pledged to her, in the serious tone of a half-lost wanderer, “Victoria. For your hand in marriage, I will travel across the Wall and bring you back the fallen star.”

Victoria, having heard all sorts of ridiculous pledges before, merely waved her hand in a half-interested dismissal. “Done.” she said. “If you return within three weeks, with the star, then I will marry you.”

And that was the end of their conversation.

However, miles away, on the other side of the wall, at the bottom of a sheer-sided crater, three tiny words broke the silence of the still night air. “Ow.” was the first, then very quietly “Fuck” then a slightly louder “Ow” echoed through the air again.

*

Dan hadn’t planned on falling.

He’d heard stories of course, about the stars who fell. Some say they were lucky. After all stars were not very easily knocked from their perch. Whispers of destiny often swirled around fallen stars.

Others would call them starstruck (pun intended), there were tales; tales of stars who fell in love with human, of stars who gave up their immortal life force just to grow old with one person.

Dan would call them idiots. Unbalanced idiots who very obviously couldn’t keep their balance while slowly dancing their way along the shimmering paths of the Milky Way.

Which is why, when Dan found himself tumbling from his place among the stars at warp speed, he couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit pissed.

He couldn’t fathom who he had managed to annoyed so spectacularly to deserve this fate. He was quite certain that he didn’t trip off the edge, which meant that someone had pushed him.

But he didn’t have any time to think about betrayal, malice or any other sort of negative thoughts. His mind was, funnily enough, curiously preoccupied right then.

It’s wondrous what crashing into the earth at terminal velocity can do to the mind.

“Ow.” Dan muttered, when the grit around him had passed enough for him to take in a deep, shuddering breath. The dust cleared just enough for him to spy the twinkling lights of his siblings jeering at him from the dull black sky. “Fuck” Dan whispered, as the enormity of the situation began to sink in. “Ow.” he groaned again, before promptly passing out.

*

Regaining consciousness wasn’t exactly the greatest moment of Dan’s life.

It wasn’t the fact that he was lying in the bottom of a very large crater, obviously of his own making. It wasn’t even the fact that his leg seemed twisted at an awkward angle, giving off alarming pangs whenever he attempted to move it.

No. What really made Dan’s day was the slightly shocked face of the young man with what was quite obviously dyed-black-fringe staring down at him.

“Great.” Dan grumbled under his breath. “Absolutely brilliant.”

The man cleared his throat slightly and averted his blue eyes away from Dan’s face to scan his gaze over Dan’s hurt leg.

“Um…” the man said, awkwardly, breaking the almost painful silence. “Do you nee-”

“Fuck off.” Dan hissed, before the man could get the word out. “I don’t need your help.”

The man looked almost taken aback. He was clearly not used to people being so harsh about being offered aid. “You’re leg looks like it might be brok-” he started.

Dan growled angrily at the man, cutting him off. In an attempt accent his point, Dan struggled to hoist himself up onto his elbows, only to fail miserably when his leg cried out in violent protest. Eyes watering with pain, Dan flopped back onto the rough stone ground, still slightly warm from the intensity of his impact.

The man took a step closer, kneeling down beside Dan’s leg amidst the hail storm of hisses and insults. He was careful not to touch it, merely craning his neck to try and inspect it from every angle.

“Yep that’s definitely broken.” he declared after a few minutes, when Dan had fallen silent in an attempt to play unconscious and hope that the man would leave him alone. “I can try creating a splint for it if you want?” the man asked hesitantly.

Dan opened his mouth to protest, before the words died in his throat. It would be for the best, he decided. The man seemed harmless enough, he didn’t even seem to have figured out what Dan was yet. Besides, he wanted to be able to move for when the High Witches figured out where he had fallen. He wasn't going to be taken like a sitting duck like so many of his siblings before him.

So against his will, Dan let out a particularly large groan, “Fine. Do it.” he said through his gritted teeth.

The briefest hint of a smile flashed onto the man’s face and Dan felt something twist deep within him, it wasn’t unpleasant. On the contrary, it felt almost like a flash of clarity that had disappeared as quickly as it had come.

“I’m Phil. Phil Lester.” the man said, before standing up and scanning the wall of the crater. He seemed to be looking for the easiest was up to the trees towering a good forty feet above their current position.

“Dan, short for Daniel.” Dan breathed out, just because he was too tired and pissed to start lying.  

So Dan allowed himself to drift in and out of easy unconsciousness as Phil started the ascent up to the trees surrounding the crater. He was shaken awake after an indeterminable amount of time by Phil, who was holding a knife that looked suspiciously like it was made for a picnic dinner accompanied by two long, thin pieces of wood.

“Can you just lie absolutely still? I need to get this lined up.” Phil said, laying the two pieces either side of Dan’s twisted leg.

Dan bit his lip in attempt not to cry out as Phil set his leg back in its correct position and started binding the two pieces of wood to it with a long strip of twine. After about twenty seconds of painful torture, Phil leant back, looking fairly satisfied.

“Done.” he announced, clapping his hands together before offering Dan his arm.

Struggling, Dan grasped onto it and very slowly, let himself be hauled up by Phil. He gasped a little as he tested his leg although he found that he could walk on it, but only if he leant on Phil.

“Better?” Phil asked, that goddamned smile flitting around his lips again.

Dan bit his already sore lip as he felt the ache in his leg, “I don’t think I’ll be able to walk on my own.” he admitted apologetically.

“Where do you live?” Phil asked, “I can help you to there or to another safe point.” he offered.  “I’m on a bit of adventure of my own that I need to complete before two and a half weeks are up but I can spare one or two days.” he added.

“I can’t get home.” Dan whispered softly, unable to resist stealing a quick glance up at the sky.

Phil merely shot Dan a strange look, before dismissing Dan's bizarre comment as he continued on his little romantic retelling of his adventure as the pair hobbled slowly to the edge of the crater and began the slow, painful ascent to the treeline.

Dan managed to just about tune out the humming frequency of Phil’s voice, instead choosing to concentrate on reaching for his starlight.

Nothing.

Dan bit his lip as he attempted to struggle his way past whatever blackness had seemed to fill him upon impact.

He found a glimmer. Nothing yet, compared to the vast amount of light that he used to emit when he had lived up above the place he was now. (He wasn’t going to think about that, he wasn’t.)

“How did you break your leg anyway?” Phil’s curious voice broke through Dan’s concentration, allowing the glimmer to escape from Dan’s reach.

“I fell.” Dan ground out through gritted teeth. How stupid was this human? Dan couldn’t fathom how any of his siblings had been able to fall in love with these pitiful, weak-minded creatures.

“Did the star hit you?” Phil asked, his voice filled with curiosity and another quality that Dan couldn’t quite identify, although it sounded strangely like determination.

Dan let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “The star didn’t injure anyone, you can trust me on that. In fact, the star is the one that got injured. Falling from the sky can tend to do that to a being, even a magical, immortal being.”

Phil frowned, “A star isn’t a being.” he said to Dan. Not in a patronising tone, just in a simple tone that stated a fact that, in his opinion, was a fundamental flaw in the making of the universe.

Dan raised his eyebrows and let a ghost of a smile play around his lips. “Explain me then.” the sarcastic retort flew past his lips before any amount of common-sense, any amount  of survival instinct could hold it back.

“What?” the pair grounded to a halt as Phil processed Dan’s reply. “What are you sayi-”

“I’m the star you idiot.” The words rushed out of Dan’s unthinking mouth. As soon as the sentence escaped, he clapped a hand over his mouth. Stupid, stupid.

Phil froze, his icy eyes raking over Dan’s shivering form. The pause was terrifying, almost painful.

“That’s impossible.” Phil broke the silence in a rush of air, as if he’d been holding his breath throughout Dan’s slip-up and the horrible silence that had followed.

Dan let out a hollow laugh, “Better start getting used to it.”

“But how-”

“You crossed the wall.” the answer came to Dan is a startling moment of clarity. “Of course, you’re one of those lovestruck, idiotic fools who cross the wall in hope of adventure.”

A shadow passed over Phil’s face at Dan’s words, “So what if I am?”

“You idiot.” Dan hissed back, taking a step forward despite the stabbing pain that shot through his leg. “Do you know how dangerous this place is?”

Phil took an instinctive step back as he backed down from Dan’s aggression, “What do you mean?” Phil replied, his face scrunched up in utter confusion as the fundamentals upon which his life was built on were turned upside down.

Dan shook his head, retreating and wincing on every second step as his bad leg jabbed into the ground. “You have no idea what you’ve got yourself into. You helped me, you healed me.”

“And you’re mad at me for that?” Phil retorted.

“I’m mad at you for binding me to you.” Dan growled back, the stingy, age-old customs of the land tugging and pulling at him.

“Binding-” Phil started.

“You helped me.” Dan snapped, turning away as he felt tears of frustration pricking at the corners of his eyes. He hated having to rely on someone. He hated seeming weak. “I’m honour-bound to help you in return.”

“Can’t I-”

“Free me from my obligation?” Dan whipped around and Phil’s naive words. “No. Not until I’ve helped you achieve your freaking heart’s desire. Now how the fuck am I supposed to achieve that.” Dan finished, throwing up his arms in despair.

The concern on Phil’s face fell away at once. “Well that’s simple!” he chirped. “You just come with me to the wall!”

“And how the fuck would that solve anything.” Dan hissed, pain lancing itself throughout his veins.

Phil cocked his head to one side as he let his deep blue, humour-filled eyes study Dan closer, as though he was a puzzle he was attempting to solve. “You weren’t listening to me were you?”

Dan lowered his eyes away from Phil’s piercing blue ones as, as if he suddenly found the scorched side of the crater wall very interesting.

Phil let out an unexpected laugh, a surprising sound that only succeeded in making Dan feel slightly on edge and weirdly off-balance.

“Come on.” Phil said, gesturing towards his shoulder. “I’ll tell you it as we walk.”

Dan grumbled, muttering “idiot” very softly under his breath before allowing Phil to bear some of his weight as the pair began to hobble along.

And so the star and the fool set off on their grand tale, neither of them quite prepared for what was in store. For unbeknownst to them, their presence had already sent ripples through the fabric of the world.

*

High-up on the Great Eastern Crags, in the rotting keep of the abandoned Stronghold, three witches lay in deep slumber.

For ages beyond measure, these witches had slept, the curse of the immortal ruler from the sky who had ruled the Stronghold for years upon years still lay heavy on the three.

Between them, within gnarled fingernails, the witches held an ornate, silver box. Which in turn held the secret to their own immortality and vanished, prolonged youth.

The faintly shining fragment of heart of the star who had ruled the kingdom long ago.

These witches had lain in uneasy slumber for years beyond count, but alas, no more.

For as the star, through no will of their own, bound themselves to another through fate. The terms lain upon the witches all those ages ago were broken.

Slowly, the witches opened their void, black eyes.

A rasping sound rang through the old keep of the Stronghold. The petrifying voice of the oldest, known only through legends told to frightened little children, even beyond the wall, as Lamia.

The High Witch of the Sisterhood of the Three spoke only three, chilling words.

“It is time.”

*

“But why?” Dan’s bemused voice asked for the fifth time.

“Because I love her” Phil said, the words feeling light and repetitive on his tongue.

“I looooove her,” Dan repeated, in a shrill high-pitched voice. “Yes she throws all my gifts and my words right back into my face but that’s fine because I looooooooove her.” Dan continued in the same, annoying tone.

“Stop it.” Phil said, pulling away slightly from Dan with a hurt expression on his face.

“Personally, I don’t care what you do, it doesn’t bother me sunshine.” Dan said, a cocky tone entering his voice and his features turning up into a slight smirk at the pet name. “I’m just curious as to why you want to marry her.”

“Because it’s true love!” Phil retorted, slightly surprised at the strength in his own voice.

“We even finish each other sandwiches!” Dan imitated in a high, girlish voice. “I don’t recall any recent relationship like that ending well.” Dan remarked flippantly, brushing aside his slightly lopsided fringe.

“Was that a Frozen reference?” Phil asked tentatively.

“Finally, some decent conversation.”

“You know Frozen?!” Phil asked incredulously.

Dan blew the remainder of the offending pieces of fringe out of his eyes. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I would’ve thought the whole being-up-in-the-sky thing would’ve been an issue.” Phil answered, raising an eyebrow.

“Nah. Actually makes for better reception surprisingly.” Dan said, wincing at the end as his foot landed at a particularly nasty angle. “Not that a lot of stars approve. Apparently Muse and Hans Zimmer aren’t proper for a star to listen to.”

“Matt Bellamy has the voice of a god. They’re probably worried about being outshone.” Phil said, breaking off into little giggles at the last word.

Dan simply stared at Phil for about two seconds before shaking his head and muttering under his breath, “I can’t believe of all people to be indebted to I have the absolute honour of it being you.”

Phil just continued laughing, clutching his sides and gesturing feebly towards Dan, “Outshone.” he spat out between giggles.

“Idiotic human.” Dan mumbled, making a point of turning his head away from Phil.

Phil’s laughter died down to quiet snorts as he attempted to regain some semblance of composure. “Okay.” Phil said. “I’m calm, I’m calm.”

“Thank god for that.” Dan muttered, the sounds of the midnight forest taking reign once more.

“How do stars shine?” Phil wondered after a while, his childlike musing shattering the silence between them.

“Well when hydrogen atoms combine-“ Dan started sarcastically.

“You’re living proof that that’s not the truth!” Phil protested hotly.

Dan paused, collecting his thoughts on how to explain this to the human in terms that he would understand. “Well…” he started, “I guess it's always been instinctive so I've never really had to think about it but now...." Dan trailed off, staring off through the dark undergrowth which tangled to either side of them as he attempted to formulate his scattered thoughts into semi-understandable words. "I guess I just remember being happy." Dan recalled, nostalgia tinging his voice. "But not like euphoric or frenzied just sort of- I dunno calm I guess. Sort of content and at peace."

Phil regarded Dan with a guarded gaze. For the first time since he had met him, the star had seemed lonely, quiet, sincere. Almost lost.

"And now?" Phil ventured.

He regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. Phil could see the barriers going up behind Dan's velvet eyes, turning then back into hard chips of muddy flintstone.

"I don't know." Dan snapped, frustration leaking through in his voice. "I'm not exactly happy right now am I?" Dan added, gesturing towards his broken leg.

Phil murmured a quiet apology as the two fell into a silent rhythm once more.

*

"A heart." The witches hissed, the words rolling strangely off of their old, dry tongues. "A shining heart full of life, full of youth."

"Immortality, sisters." The oldest and most powerful of the three, Lamia, proclaimed. "We shall have youth and years and the whole world shall be ours to rule over."

"But which of us shall go to seek it?" The youngest of the three asked, her yellow, worn teeth spread in a wide, predatory grin.

"We need directions." ordered Lamia.

The dying screeches of a rat echoed throughout the hall and the animal's entrails were spread out on a wide, oaken table dusted with cobwebs and studied single-mindedly by the three witches.

"He is only five hours from here!" the youngest, Hecate, cackled in delight. "We may easily find and take what is ours."

"Do not be so hasty sister." warned Lamia. "We need years, as to not arouse suspicion."

The Three glared at one another, until their gazes came to rest on a single, silver box.

"We only have enough for one." warned the second of the Three, Medea.

Lamia smiled, the frosty gesture not quite reaching her eyes. "Then I'll make it count."

And so Lamia opened the box, drew out a small, silver piece of flesh, placed it between her old, frail teeth and swallowed it.

The effect was mesmerising. The ages fell away from her as if they were nothing more than optical tricks. The short, brittle hair fell out into long, blonde waves, interwoven with a subtle silver. Her height increased, her filmy grey eyes became miraculously green and clear. High up, upon one ivory cheekbone, there lay a dark birthmark, curved in the shape of a crescent moon.

The witch began to laugh, a wondrously clear, temptatious laugh which had succeeded in luring many men to both her bed and their deaths.

"I forgot how good it feels to be young again." the witch giggled, her infectious laughter starting to irritate her sisters.

"Hurry." hissed Hecate. "It was only a morsel. It won't last for longer than a fortnight."

"Do not fret sisters." Lamia smiled, her sly green eyes turning into slits. "I shall return soon with the ultimate prize. The shining heart of a fallen star."

*

Dan tossed and turned on the frosty, unforgiving ground. He wasn’t quite sure how Phil expected him to get to sleep when the stars were rolled out over the deep blue canvas above him euphorically bright as they stared back at the earth. He rolled over onto his back and let out a long sigh, staring up at the infinite miles above him where the tiny little silver pinpricks looked down on him pityingly from on high.

“Fuck this.” Dan muttered, just about managing to heave himself up without too much pain.

“Whey’a goin” the sleepy mumble emitted from Phil as Dan began to hobble away.

“How do you expect me to sleep when the stars are shining?” Dan shot back, irritated at Phil’s complete and utter lack of thought as he continued to hobble to the edge of their small clearing. “Unfortunately since I can’t leave I’m just going for a walk, I’ll be back at around dawn, I think.” Dan said non-committally, shrugging his shoulders as he hobbled away.

Phil answered him with a tiny groan before rolling over and beginning to let out tiny little snores as he drifted back into sleep.

Dan set off, moving at an incredibly slow pace due to his injured leg. He really hoped that nothing would decide to attack or bother him at the ungodly hour, he couldn’t move fast enough to run or hide and his light kept eluding him, hovering just at the edge of his consciousness out of his reach.

Dan’s despair, anger and bitter humour kept up their constant war within him, I’m a completely defenceless star with a broken leg, tied by obligation to a lovestruck, human fool wandering through the forest in the middle of the night, absolutely no danger here.

Almost as if his words were carried by fate, an unearthly howl echoed through the woods. Yep, I’m definitely gonna die. Might as well cross the wall while I’m at it. Dan thought glumly.

As Dan followed the path deeper into the woods, he began to regret his decision to not just stick it out in the clearing. The woods were significantly colder without the presence of a comforting campfire. Not that Dan was particularly bothered by the low temperature, he found himself missing the strange comfort of a crackling fire, the light so unlike the starlight which he was used to yet somehow, still felt like home.

He was so lost in his own thoughts, that Dan didn’t notice himself drifting further and further away from the soft, barely visible glow of the firelight through the trees until nothing surrounded him but dark wood.

“Fuck.” Dan cursed softly. This wasn’t good.

He began to walk with a brisker pace, wincing on every second step as his leg jolted on impact. He wasn't going to panic. He refused to panic. For a single heartbeat, Dan almost wished that that idiot Phil was with him. He quickly banished that absurd thought to the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind.

After wandering around aimlessly for an indefinable amount of time, pushing through forest branches and tripping over hidden tree roots and scattered leaves, Dan saw something.

A path. Twisting, winding and narrow it may have been, but nevertheless, it whispered treacherous promises of a way out.

Not able to think of a better plan, Dan decided to follow the trail. After all, if all else failed, their obligational bond would always draw Dan back to Phil, eventually.

The path was so narrow and overhung in some places that the bright pinpricks of light and the soft glow of a moon were thrown into perpetual shadow, their shapes blocked completely from Dan’s sight. It made Dan a little uneasy, but all thoughts were unease were banished when he rounded the last turn.

In front of Dan, surrounded by the tall, dark trees, stood a large, wooden house. The inside sung promises of a cheery fire with the light flickering in the windows and the smoke curling its way out of the stone chimney.

Slower now, taking hesitant steps, Dan walked up to the side of the house, spotting the sign The Shining Heart Inn swaying slightly above the wooden door in the tiny breeze that rustled the surrounding  forest.

Coming to a rest in front of the door, Dan rested his clenched knuckles against the rough, wooden surface for a fraction of a second before rapping sharply three times on the splintered door.

It was opened almost immediately by a young woman with long blonde hair that tumbled to down to her slim waist. Her emerald eyes softened immediately as she took in Dan’s ripped, dirtied clothing and shivering state.

“What on earth happened to you dearie?” she asked, opening the door wider and gesturing Dan inside. “Do come in, do come in.”

Dan stepped inside, relishing the wave of heat that washed over him, temporarily closing his eyes and just enjoying the tide of comfort which swept in.

“Sit down, sit down.” the woman said, gesturing over to the long, empty wooden table and benches situated just in front of the fireplace. “You’ll be needing a hot bath and a warm bed.” she said over her shoulder as she bustled around the counter on the far side of the cavernous, brightly firelit room. She padded back over to Dan, her embroidered emerald dress swishing as she attempted to hold the huge mug she was carrying steady.

She set it down in front of Dan before hurrying up the stair which led to the upper floors of the inn shouting down some more comforting nonsense about a “shimmering bath” and a “shining bed fit for the stars themselves”. Dan couldn’t hold back the ironic snort which burst its way free of its own accord at that comment.

He took a glance at the warm beverage in front of him, the swirling liquid the exact same shade as his eyes. Cautiously, he took a sip. It was better than anything Dan had ever tasted, except, perhaps, starlight. It was rich and creamy and seemed to fill Dan with warmth from the inside out.

Sighing, Dan stared over at the fire, letting the crackling lullaby of the flames zone him out, make him content.

And if you looked closely, a faint shimmer could be seen shining around Dan, the bright silvery colour of the sheen like stardust embedded in his skin.

Meanwhile, upstairs in the vacant room. The woman placed a large, stone knife engraved with carvings of forgotten ages beneath the lavish bed. She then stood up, dusting her hands. Her whole face lighting up with long-forgotten greed as the slim birthmark high up on her cheekbone glowed in the shape of a crescent moon.

*

Phil was dreaming when he heard the singers.

The particular content of that dream isn’t really vital to our story. It was the same sappy dream that all fools tend to have once in awhile. A dream of him and Victoria, together, happy. Running after children and recounting their tales together, happy.

Phil was lulled out of the dream by a thin, curling wisp of melody, the type that barely brushes over the shell of your ear before it’s gone, vanished from your hearing. With no memory of it apart from how it affected you.

Phil is half-awoken by the first song, a quiet song which sang of the dutiful and dreadful role of the stars. Their punishment being to watch and never interfere.

The quiet melody, interwoven with numerous harmonies, succeeded in bringing tears to Phil’s half-awake eyes. The sheer sorrow and quiet acceptance of the singers spun the song into something new. A haunting tune that seemed to haunt Phil the moment it finished.

After lying there for a few minutes, not quite awake, nor quite asleep, Phil decided that the melody must’ve just been an echo of his dreaming mind. Settled on the matter, Phil allowed himself to drift back into blissful oblivion.

Quite the wrong thing to do, as it happened, for minutes later Phil was jolted awake by the sudden explosion of song that expanded and rushed throughout reality.

Their words were so powerful that they succeeded in scaring the living daylights out of Phil, he only very rarely caught any words, and when he did, they were usually “fate”, “destiny” or some other variant.

Wide-awake now, Phil began to swing his head in all directions, looking around wildly for the source of the great and terrible melody that seemed to be everywhere yet nowhere all at once.

As Phil raised his head to the sky, he at last understood.

It was the stars who were singing.

As mad and weird as it sounded, there seemed to be no other explanation, the sounds were echoing from the great and vast sky itself.

Mouth wide open, gaping in awe, Phil stared up at the dark, night space above him, trying to grasp at the fact that the stars were singing.

When the first whisper brushed Phil’s ear, he was certain that he’d imagined it.

Philip. the whisper said.

Shaking his head, Phil tried to get rid of all the buzzing thoughts racing around inside his mind, if he could just think.

Philip. the whisper said again, this time, more insistent.

Phil ignored it yet again, putting it down to a mere figment of his imagination driven crazy by the singing of the stars.

PHILIP. the mental whisper had turned into a shout that almost knocked Phil over with the sheer thought power of it.

“Hello?” Phil called out, glancing cautiously around him to see whether he could pinpoint the location of the whisper.

Finally. The whisperer said, sounding slightly pissed, Didn’t you hear me the first few times?

“Sorry.” Phil apologised automatically before he could stop himself. “I- I mean who are you, what do you want?”

What I want? the voice snorted, I’m merely concerned for my brother’s safety, as we all are. As for who I am, look up.

Phil glanced up, expecting to see something of importance, instead he was merely greeted with the same view as before, which meant..., which meant…

“You’re a star.” Phil said.

The star made what sounded like a grudging noise of approval. Perhaps you aren’t as dumb as my brother makes you out to be, young human.

“Your brother.” said Phil, anxiety clenching up his stomach. “Do you mean Dan?”

Yes, the one who was pushed out of the sky. replied the star.

“Pushed!” exclaimed Phil, “By who?!”

When fate pushes, none can change the tide. The star replied cryptically.

Phil let the subject drop, he wasn't in the mood to discuss philosophy with a star. “You mentioned Dan.” he said, “Is he okay? Has he tripped over some tree root and needs me to come and get him?” Phil said, letting annoyance seep into his voice. He had, after all, been robbed of a good night’s sleep.

I’m afraid it's much more serious than that. the star answered, all hints of humour gone from his voice. Dan is in serious danger, and he doesn't even know about it.

“What serious danger?” Phil asked, concern sweeping over his voice.

He’s being held captive by Lamia, one of the three High Witches of the Eastern Crags. Her and her kind would stop at nothing to get to the heart of a star. You have to get to him before she manages to kill him.

"And it has to be me who rescues him?" Phil groaned, bidding a silent farewell to all hopes of rest.

Your fates are too intertwined for it to be anybody else.

“Fine. Fine. Where is he?” Phil asked, extinguishing the fire and preparing to set off.

Your bond will guide you to him. Hurry for you do not have much time. the star spouted out in a jumbled mess of thoughts.

Phil realised that the star was right, he could feel himself being tugged in a certain direction, away on the opposite side of the small clearing, where the undergrowth grew thick and wild.

“I’ll save him.” Phil promised. "I'll save him for you but don't you dare think for one second I'm doing it for the sake of that arrogant prick."

Thank you, Philip. the star said, humour tinging their voice. Hurry now. Run. Run!

And so Phil began to run, following the subtle tug on his soul under the guidance of the sweet lullaby that the stars sang. Some say the melody was composed by Fate herself. It was an ancient story. One of the oldest.

It was a story that spoke of the star-crossed love between a lovestruck fool and a fallen star.

*

Phil should've really come up with a plan.

Well at least, that's what Dan shouted at him across roar of the burning inn as a terrifying, powerful High Witch descended on them with green swirling across her eyes and sparks jumping at the fingertips.

It's not like Phil didn't have a plan, as he had defended later on. He had merely been so absolutely focused on saving Dan that the plan perhaps needed a little refining.

The unrefined plan, as it happened, was Phil charging headfirst into the door of the inn, and shouting out Dan's name in a frenzied scream.

"DAN!" Phil yelled hurriedly. "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?!" he yelled again, taking in the seemingly empty ground floor before spying a set of stair in the corner leading upstairs.

Phil sprinted towards the stairs without a single moment's hesitation, "DAN!" he screamed again urgently, despite the burning pain in his chest and the stitch in his side. Phil decided that if he happened to survive this, he definitely needed to do more exercise.

He skipped over the last few stairs and slammed right into a warm body waiting at the top of the stairs.

"Ommph." the air rushed out of Phil's lungs on impact. "Sorry." he gasped out of the terrible, British habit of unnecessary politeness.

That was, until he'd seen who he'd crashed into.

"Dan!" Phil shouted, unable to stop his eyes raking once over him from head to toe. Phil had to admit that he looked good, beautiful even. His skin seemed to glow softly, as if melded with silver, his hair lay in perfect, copper curls upon his head and his leg seemed better, healed even. To hell with Victoria and the promise, Phil was so stunned for a second, he almost considered kissing Dan right there and then.

Almost.

"What the fucking fuck?" Dan snapped, anger entering his voice and the subtle glow on his skin dimmed down to almost nothing. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I thought you couldn't run away!" Phil retorted, "And for your information I am trying to save your sorry existence."

Dan let out a bitter laugh just as a sweet voice sounded behind Phil, "I'm sorry do you require any assistance?" a lilting woman's voice asked.

Phil spun around, his eyes landing on the slim, young woman dressed in green standing halfway up to wooden staircase, her crescent birthmark on her cheek highlighting her startling paleness.

"Dan, we need to move. Now!" Phil said, grabbing ahold of Dan's arm and basically tripping down the wooden staircase, dragging a protesting Dan behind him.

"Why?" Dan complained angrily. "Are you really that opposed to us living in luxury for one night on this godforsaken journey."

A hundred colourful insults sprung to Phil's mind at that moment, but instead he opted for whirling around to face Dan long enough to say "She's not an innkeeper for god's sake! Her name is Lamia, she's a High Witch of the Eastern Crags and she wants to cut out your heart apparently so maybe it is really in your best interest to move."  Phil finished off angrily, appreciating how Dan had gone as white as a sheet.

"Oh I don't think so." a voice spat out from behind him before Phil felt himself be thrown forward by some unseen force.

"Fuck." Dan spat out beside him, tackling him to the ground as moments later, a fireball smashed into where's Phil head used to be.

A laugh echoed from beyond the distant roar of the burning flames. "Run all you like Phil Lester, you can't keep me from my prize." the witch said, power sparking from the ends of her fingers.

"Couldn't you have spent at least a little time coming up with a plan?" Dan shouted in annoyance as they both managed to scramble to their feet.

"Oh. So you'd rather be dead then?" Phil shouted back, getting extremely tired of Dan's unrelenting sarcasm and rudeness.

"You got us into this mess! Are you going to at least get us out of it?" Dan shot back.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't come equipped with my anti-trouble OR my automatic-teleportation device." Phil yelled, annoyance ruling his voice.

"Well I guess it’s my job to keep us both alive unfortunately." Dan retorted, grabbing onto Phil, silver sparks beginning to jump across the star's skin.

"Dan-" Phil started, suddenly alarmed at the intensity of the silver sheen in Dan's usually warm, rich chocolate eyes (not that he'd spent a lot of time thinking about Dan's eyes of course).

"Shut up, close your eyes and fuck you Lester." Dan hissed, before clashing his mouth onto Phil's.

Phil immediately whited out, quite literally. He had managed to close his eyes just in time to avoid the piercing white light that seemed to arch out of Dan's shimmering skin. He heard the distant shriek of surprise of the witch before the light invaded his mind.

He couldn't hear, couldn't see, couldn't think. He could just feel the taste of Dan's lips on his, feel the light that seemed to be racing and dancing through his body, along his every nerve path, setting his senses and very blood alight. The light that was so horribly and perfectly tinged with Dan and god, Phil was very angry because Dan wasn't supposed to be that good.

It was by no way a gentle kiss, it involved quite a lot of anger and biting on both sides, combined with clashing teeth and breathy, incomprehensible exclamations of names.

Phil felt a sudden lurch, a sudden sense of swooping vertigo set in as his whole world seemed to go into a spin, it felt like they were moving, things and shapes blurring around them although Phil couldn't quite bring himself to care.

Dan finally broke away after what felt like forever, panting quite heavily and glaring at Phil like he was death itself.

Phil certainly felt that way, whatever light he had felt sweep his body had disappeared completely, leaving a horrible numbing and freezing emptiness in its wake.

As he slowly regained his senses, he became aware of two things. One, they seemed to have changed location completely. They were standing on top of a chilly, windswept moorland, looking down below to cheery burning lights of a small, tudor-looking town, lights still burning in the windows despite the late hour. And beyond the town, beyond the forest, in the far distance of the gap between two valleys, Phil could make out the faint, distant outline of a stone wall.

The second thing that Phi became aware of was that Dan seemed to be saying something to Phil.

"-think that it'll only take us about two days to get there, we can stay tonight in the town and tomorrow the Faerie Market would probably be the best shot, even if I will probably have to babysit you the entire-Phil are you even listening?" Dan finished off in exasperation.

"Hmm?" Phil said in a half-acknowledgement, his mind and lips still buzzing from the shock of Dan's-

"Oh god you're useless." Dan snapped, marching up to Phil and grabbing him by the hand before beginning to promptly drag him down towards the little pool of lights. "Look, I'm pretty sure we're both about to faint from sheer adrenaline so I say we go and crash in the town and carry on to the wall in the morning. If all goes well we should in the Faerie Market next to the wall by tomorrow night and you can go and fetch Victoria in the morning."

"Isn't your leg broken?" Phil blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

Dan sighed sharply, glancing down, shaking his leg experimentally a few times before shrugging. "I think the starlight healed it." he said, before picking up the pace once more.

"I have one question."

Dan groaned, not-slowing their pace he grumbled, "What is it now."

"How and why."

"We're extremely lucky that actually worked." Dan said, seriousness seeping into his voice. "We travelled by starlight, one of the fastest ways to travel. I think that I also managed to strip the witch of most of her stolen youth, of course that just means she wants my heart even more now."

"Why?" Phil asked curiously, "Why do all the witches seem to want your heart?"

Dan sighed, slowing right down so that he and Phil were now walking together side-by-side in perfect tandem. If either of them noticed their now interlocked fingers, neither mentioned it.

"They who possess a heart of a star will live forever." Dan said quietly, as if imparting some great, universal secret onto Phil.

"Forever?" Phil exclaimed, shocked.

"Shh!" Dan hissed, looking behind him as if to make sure there was no one following them. "Yes. Forever. Stars are immortal after all you idiot."

"How old are you?" Phil asked quietly.

"Only about a couple million years, give or take. I'm actually very young compared to the average ages of my constellation." Dan said nonchalantly.

"A million." Phil hissed in surprise, "You're older than the entirety of the human race"

Dan shrugged, "Still pretty young compared to most stars."

Phil shook his head in an almost disbelief. "What was your constellation?" he asked curiously, not noticing the past-tense until it was too late.

Dan seemed unaffected by it, merely shrugging. "We were officially the Llama but I'm afraid that we looked more like a wonky bear, we ended up calling each other Bear because of it."

"Bear." Phil said, trying it out for size. "Cute nickname."

Dan swatted at Phil's arm with his other hand that wasn't tightly interlocked with Phil's. "Don't you dare."

"Whatever you say, Bear." Phil teased.

"I'm tired and I'm not in the mood for your shit." Dan complained, leaning his head on Phil's shoulder for support.

Phil shrugged, "Fine by me, since I'm not in the mood for yours either."

"Oi." Dan said, swatting Phil arm once more before the pair settled into silence for the rest of the walk.

It was a good hour before they reached the small town and another hour before they found a caring person who was willing to take them in. That woman just-so-happened to be the town mayor. A warm, open woman with skin the colour of delicately ground coffee beans and quite possibly the best baking skills. (Even if neither of them mentioned her pointed ears which stuck out from her midnight hair streaked with snow.)

Both of them collapsed into the generously offered guest room. The room only had one, humongous four-poster double bed but somehow, neither of them could quite bring themselves to care.

It was when both of them were lying there, thoroughly exhausted by the events of the last twenty-four hours and both of them dancing with lowered inhibitions along the edge of sleep that Phil finally asked the question that had been nagging at the back of his mind.

"Dan." Phil said hesitantly, "Why did you kiss me?"

"I wasn't going to let you  be vaporised by starlight now was I?" Dan replied.

"Hang on, vaporised?" Phil said indignantly.

Phil saw Dan shrug in the faint moonlight, "I told you." he said, "Starlight is a dangerous thing. You would've died if we hadn't been lip-locked."

"What about the witch then?" Phil asked, "Is she vaporised or-"

"No." Dan replied without hesitation, "She's consumed so many hearts that I couldn't do much else apart from take away her youth and really, really piss her off."

"Great so once again we have a crazy, powerful homicidal witch on our tail and you've managed to piss her off." Phil said, sarcasm tinging his words.

"She was pissed off and trying to murder us.  Anyway I haven't exactly changed much." Dan shot back.

"Can she cross the wall?" Phil asked, concern for his town and Victoria entering his voice.

"Nah." Dan said, dismissing the motion. "Again, she's consumed so many hearts of stars that the moment she crosses the wall she'll just explode into a measly handful of stardust."

"Wait so stars can't cross the wall?" Phil exclaimed, turning over to face Dan properly.

Dan, once again, shrugged, "No, in your world we just turn into a metallic, lump of rock."

"What do you mean in my world." Phil exclaimed indignantly.

"And here I was thinking that perhaps you weren't that big of an idiot after all." Dan muttered, shuffling over to lie on his back, one arm propped behind his head. "The wall isn't just a wall. It's a division, a split, a gateway. It connects two worlds, two universes that, by the basic laws created before time was even an idea, shouldn't even be able to touch."

Phil surreptitiously pinched himself, not quite sure whether to be awed or annoyed that this wasn't in fact a dream.

"Now do you have anymore questions?" Dan's normal, whining voice broke through Phil's reverie, "Or can I actually get a single wink of sleep."

"Just one." Phil replied, remembering the question that had been nagging him the entire trek down from the high moor. "I thought stars could only shine if they were they were happy, but surely you weren't happy, so why did the kiss work?" Phil finished off, trepidation lacing the edges of his voice.

There was a long pause. So long in fact that Phil was certain that Dan had gone to sleep, but after about two minutes, Dan's exhausted voice broke the quiet stillness of the room once more.

"Well I theorised that starlight is triggered by strong emotions so I used the kiss to generate a powerful, pure emotion strong enough between the two of us to power the starlight." Dan replied carefully, obviously withholding some vital piece of information.

Which emotion do you think was generated? Why are you lying to me? Phil wanted to ask, but his throat seized up. Somehow, the prospect of asking either question seemed terrifying.

No more words broke the fragilely constructed silence between them, however when they woke up the next morning, they were curled into each other's arms, hands gripping tightly onto each other's bodies.

Neither of them could quite bring themselves to care.

*

"Phil, wait!" Dan shouted, quickly running after Phil who had sprinted ahead in the faint light of the setting sun after catching a glimpse of the wall that lay on the other side of the field.

"Come on!" Phil said, running back, grabbing Dan's hand, interlocking their fingers and started to pull him in the direction of the wall. "We're almost there!"

"Whoa Phil slow down!" Dan said, pulling his hand (reluctantly, even if he would never admit it) out of Phil's grasp. "We can't cross until morning anyway, it’s not safe."

Phil stopped, turning to face Dan, "Why not? I crossed at night the first time."

Dan sighed, admitting defeat, "Fine you've got me, I just wanted to visit the Market before you cross over to get Victoria. Consider it a bachelor party of sorts."

"A bachelor party?" Phil asked, his forehead creasing up in confusion.

Dan gave out a sharp sigh of exasperation, "Come on!" he pleaded, "One last night of freedom before you tie yourself to that bitch forever." Dan said, dragging out the last word to add as much emphasis as possible.

"Hey!" Phil said, punching Dan lightly in the arm. "Don't you say that about my future wife!" Phil said, his voice tinged with humour. Dan ignored the sudden, unpleasant lurch in his stomach.

"Come on Lester!" Dan cried out, " I've been forced to watch these little fuckers cook for a few millennia without ever getting a chance to taste their food. Faerie cuisine looks absolutely divine." Dan said, interlocking their fingers once more and dragging Phil in the direction of the market, despite his feeble protests.

A Faerie Market, if you have never attended one, is a strange thing. It is a labyrinth of stalls, bargains and half-whispered promises that twists and turns, sometimes refusing to let a person run free without going at least a little bit mad.

Dan and Phil entered the market camped in the field beside the wall hand in hand. Neither of them quite mentioned it, the same silent agreement passing between them as when Dan's skin had started to shimmer faintly again.

Dan, relying on his non-mortal senses to guide them, was able to evade the usual trickeries of the market to drag them both to the food stalls.

"Okay Phil, knock yourself out." Dan said, releasing hold of his hand and guiding him over to a cart filled with strawberries the size of apples, to begin bargaining.

"Wait!" Phil said, nervousness now beginning to set in without Dan's comforting warmth beside him. "What do I bargain with?"

"Whatever you like!" Dan shouted over his shoulder, before starting to talk to the minuscule, long-nosed shop owner.

As it turned out, currency in the Faerie Market was nothing at all like it is in our world. Phil passed the evening bargaining the strangest offers including his ability to hiccup, the memory of the worst book he'd ever read (he was quite glad for the chance to erase E.L. James's writing from his mind) and all his memories from before he was two were only some of the strange bargains he'd made that evening.

Finally, he came to a stall lined with hundreds of thin, elegant glass bottles which each held a good measure of a golden, fizzy liquid which seemed to leap within the beautifully structured glass.

"What's in these?" Phil asked the shop owner politely, a rather short man with a splendid red beard which drooped all the way down to his waist.

"Only the finest wine this side of the wall!" the man exclaimed, "Guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy within seconds."

Phil looked back at the bottles, quickly making up his mind, "I'll take two then please." Phil said. It was high time he found Dan anyway, they would have a long day ahead of them tomorrow.

"Let's see, let's see." the shop owner said, rubbing his palms together, "In exchange for all your falsely guided love I will give you two bottles of this most fine, matured wine."

Phil frowned, the offer seemed slightly strange although he couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Done." he agreed.

The man handed Phil two, rather large bottles of the wine. "Nice doing business with you!"

"Likewise." Phil replied, grabbing the two then setting off to find Dan.

As he made his way, weaving in and out of stalls, Phil couldn't help opening one of the twisted bottles and taking a generous sip of the sparkling liquid.

The wine was nothing like Phil had ever tasted, the only thing Phil had to compare it to was the heady sensation that had filled him when he and Dan had travelled by starlight. He could feel the liquid popping softly as it slid down his throat, filling Phil with a slightly warm and gilded glow.

Phil took another sip, relishing in the feeling, before his eyes landed on a mop of curly brown hair standing off by one of the stalls, guzzling what looked like yet again another giant strawberry.

Phil made his way over to Dan, feeling all the while like he was floating in a dream. A laugh bubbled in his throat at the analogy, although he couldn't quite figure out why.

"Hey you." Phil said, nudging Dan softly as he came up to stand beside him. "I bought you this."

Dan turned to Phil, taking the elegant bottle from his grasp, "I'm trusting that this isn't poison." Dan said, examining the contents of the bottle warily.

Phil giggled again, taking a gulp from his own bottle. "Nope. Try it, it’s glorious."

Looking cautiously at Phil, Dan took a tentative sip of his own. "Not bad." he conceded.

Suddenly, they both burst out laughing, Dan taking a deep swig of his own bottle before grabbing Phil's hand and leading them out of the market to the wall just beyond.

Outside, it was dark, the stars hidden by dark cloud. Dan lead both of them over to the wall and, finding hold in loose stones, swinging himself up so that he stood on top of the veil between the worlds.

Dan's gasp of delight sent a warm, pleasant jolt throughout Phil's entire being. "Come see." Dan exclaimed, plopping down to sit cross-legged on top of the wall and staring up into the seemingly, empty sky with a sheer look of delight dancing across his features.

Phil passed Dan up his bottle before grabbing onto the same hand and foot holds as Dan had used, and dragged himself up.

The view from the top of the wall was unlike anything he'd ever seen.

It was like standing on a cliff, the moment before a storm hit, when you can see the swirling magnificence of the damaging cloud, but it’s not yet near enough to harm you.

Stretching away, far, far above their heads, Phil could see galaxy upon galaxy, nebula upon nebula, and universe upon universe, splattering the void with their vibrant colour and life. Reds upon greens, upon blues, upon purples, every colour possible and even some that seemed impossible graced the sky above the two of them.

Phil can't quite remember what happened next.

All he can really gather doing is glancing over at Dan, quickly becoming transfixed by the stars reflected on his eyes and the way the light of a million universes accented the beautiful curve of his lips.

Suddenly, Phil was drowning and Dan was air.

The kiss was nothing like their previous one. Phil initiated it, for a start. Dan's pleasant gasp of surprise coupled by the sudden intensity of the shimmer dancing across Dan's tanned skin and onto Phil's pale one drove Phil to keep going, to take Dan's lower lip in between his teeth, rolling it gently and taking Dan's half-gasp, half moan as an opportunity to force his tongue into his mouth.

At the first feel of their tongues colliding, both of them shuddered, grasping onto each other as if they were the air they needed to breathe.

Their lips moved in a perfect symphony that had been replayed on repeat since the dawn of time, their hearts racing in both their chests, the silver and red blood flowing through their veins rushing to their cheeks, their lips and somewhere a little further south.

It was a feeling Dan had never experienced before, the strange heat pooling in his stomach, a fire that was fuelled by Phil's lips, Phil's hands, Phil's everything.

He whimpered as he was driven backwards by the intensity of the kiss, his back flat against the rough surface of the stone wall and Phil hovering over him, his lips coaxing out a beautiful lullaby from Dan's own.

Quite suddenly, Phil ground into what seemed to be the centre of the heat and Dan jolted with the sudden explosion that seemed to radiate over his body. It was unlike anything he'd ever felt, liquid fire was running through his veins as Phil continued the motions, breathy little moans passing between both of their lips.

Clothes were discarded, skin exposed to the chilly night air, warmed by a soft pair of lips passing over Dan's jawline, his neck, his bare chest, all the way down to-

Dan cried, tensed and shivered as he felt the delicious warmth close around the head of his exposed cock. He squeezed his eyes shut, throwing his head from side to side as he tried to wrap his head around the sheer intensity of the pleasure he was feeling

If Phil's mouth was heaven on his lips, then it was divine on his dick. Again and again, Phil sucked, slurping slightly as he pulled off again and again and licking Dan's slit before moving again, further and further each time.

"Oh dear god Phil." Dan cried out, "I swear if you don't get in me then I will vaporise you. "

Phil popped off with an audible pop, Dan shivering as the cold air surrounded his cock. "Are you sure?" Phil asked hesitantly, Dan wasn't quite sure how he managed to keep his voice so level. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Faerie wine." Dan gasped out, "It was fucking Faerie Wine wasn't it-" Dan said, his sentence dragging off into a whine as Phil nudged his nose along his exposed neck.

"Yes." Phil said, pausing the conversation to gently suck on the paler skin of Dan's jawline. "Why?"

Dan shook his head, gasping as he felt Phil's lips on his jaw. "Those fuckers." Dan panted, out of air. "I should've known. Faerie Wine acts as a powerful intoxicant and aphrodisia- ah." Dan said his sentence cut short by Phil curiously thumbing one nipple. "Oh god. Don't stop you idiot."

"You were saying?" Phil said, bending down to swipe his tongue across Dan's left nipple.

"You motherf-" Dan keened, bucking up once more into Phil. "Investment." he panted out, barely able to form coherent words anymore. "Everyone ended up having sex. So when- god. When needed. It's used as lube."

Phil stopped, pulling away and chuckling slightly at Dan's whine of loss. He reached over Dan's body to grab a half-empty bottle of wine. "Are you sure this'll work?" Phil asked, drizzling a generous amount of wine over his fingers and surprised to feel the wine change consistency.

"I didn't spend millennia up in the sky watching people for nothing."

"Kinky, voyeuristic Daniel." Phil muttered, shoving a finger into Dan without warning.

Dan's eyes bulged, his forehead creasing and his muscles quickly clenching around Phil's finger, he let out a soft hiss, somewhere in between pain and pleasure.

"Relax." Phil murmured into Dan's ear, his teeth softly grazing the earlobe.

Dan relaxed, feeling his muscles unclench as he breathed out softly. "Okay." he said, "Another."

Dan felt a second finger probing at his entrance, softly pushing in and out and ripping a moan from Dan's lips.

"Fuck it just get inside me." Dan gasped, crying out instead as Phil added another, fingers curling and working their magic inside of Dan.

Suddenly, the fingers were gone. Dan heard the sounds of Faerie wine being drizzled before he felt Phil's cock pressing against him.

They both let out gasps in unison as Phil slid inside. Dan couldn't help himself from clenching slightly as Phil bottomed out.

"Relax." Phil whispered again, kissing Dan's ear and waiting for his signal.

Dan let out a breath, "Okay." he said, "Move."

Phil pulled out, almost all the way before slamming back into Dan,  causing Dan to let out a slightly strangled moan.

They repeated the process again, and again and again until Dan was pushing back on Phil, meeting him halfway with each slap of their hips. Again and again and again until suddenly-

"Fuck." Dan whispered, as Phil hit something inside of him which just set a lightening bolt of pleasure coursing through his body.

Phil angled his thrusts, hitting that spot again and again and again, Dan bouncing up each time, completely lost in the pleasure.

"Phil." Dan gasped, feeling a tightening build in his abdomen. "Fuck Phil I'm gonna-"

Phil reached down, brushing his hand once against Dan's cock was all it took as Dan cried out, arching his back as his rode out the intense feeling coursing through his body. He released, the starlight that had shimmered just below the surface of his skin releasing itself into the night air with a ferocious boom.  Dan clenched tightly around Phil, causing Phil to let out a loud, guttural moan, as he came undone, coming buried deep inside Dan.

Phil pulled out carefully, wincing slightly as the slight discomfort on Dan's face. "Sorry." he said, gracing him with a quick peck on the lips.

"Less talking, more sleeping." Dan groaned, pulling Phil to his chest and allowing him to share his unnatural body heat, keeping them both sheltered from the cold.

Phil let out a small yawn. "Okay." he agreed, closing his eyes and burying his face into Dan's chest. "I'm totally okay with that."

Dan's stroked Phil's hair absentmindedly, glancing once more up at the rip between the worlds before he succumbed to a content and peaceful sleep.

As the fool and the star slumbered on top of the border between worlds. An old hag exited the market, watching them for a while before turning away to sit her vigil beside the gap in the wall, the moonlight catching her old, emerald eyes and the crescent moon high up on her right cheek.

*

Dan and Phil awoke the next morning with frozen skin and hearts on fire.

They collected their clothes in silence, only pausing for the slightest touch or the faintest kiss.  They were careful to slide down to the Faerie side of the wall, facing the market which now looked dead, deserted almost.

Still in silence, the star and the fool walked hand in hand along the wall until, 20 metres from the gap, the fool tugged on the star's hand.

"I've decided-" Phil started, pausing slightly to collect his thoughts, "To tell Victoria that I am unable to marry her."

Dan simply stared at Phil for a long second before breaking out into a laugh, a giggle warming his throat. "You idiot." he exclaimed, punching Phil in the arm. "It took you long enough to figure it out."

Phil started to laugh with Dan, pressing their lips together in a chaste kiss that made both of them go weak at the knees.

"Last night, you know the price I paid for that Faerie Wine?" Phil asked, after they'd broken apart.

"What?" Dan inquired curiously.

"All my falsely guided love." Phil replied, "My love for Victoria was poisoned, unhealthy, she doesn't love me and she probably never will but you." Phil said pressing his lips to Dan once more. "I love you Dan."

Dan's skin began to shimmer and glow, looking for all the world like he was softly illuminated from inside out. "You idiot." Dan choked out, his voice heavy with emotion as he leaned forward to connect their lips once more, shimmers and sparks running, leaping and dancing their way between the two of them.

Its funny how something so perfect can be shattered so suddenly.

"Sorry to interrupt your little moment boys." a croaky voice spoke from the gap in the wall. "But you have something I desire greatly."

Dan broke away, gasping in horror as he looked over Phil's shoulder at something behind him as Dan tugged on his hand and-

Phil was flung into the air, arching high over the wall and landing with a poof back in his own world.

"No." he gasped out, the moment he could breathe again. "No. No. No! No! NO!" Phil screamed, running towards the gap in the wall to see.

Light. A clash of light battling beyond the gap. The witch stood, hissing and snarling curses encompassed in her emerald green light at Dan, who stood tall, determined, driven by some powerful, instinctual emotion as an aura of silver light exploded around him.

Phil tried to run, to pass over the gap but yelped as he hit a transparent, burning barrier which prevented him from going any further.

"Leave. Phil. Alone!" Dan shouted over the roar of the fight.

"Not until you give me what I came for!" the witch shrieked back, her green flames subsiding for a second.

"It’s not mine to give!" Dan insisted, his voice tinged with victory as his silver aura fell away.

"Whyever not?" the witch asked, her ancient brow wrinkling up in confusion and pure hatred.

"Because it already belongs to somebody else." Dan confessed, his beautiful, silverish-brown eyes locking with Phil's.

It was like time had slowed down, Phil's heart seemed like a fluttering bird that yearned to break free of his chest. Slowly, ever so slowly like the breaking dawn, Phil felt a smile settle onto his face, mirroring Dan's own.

"No!" the shriek reverberated between the countless worlds as Lamia, High Witch of the Eastern Crags screamed in fury and despair. "No!" she screamed, whipping around to face Phil, her eyes blazing as she began the last, vengeful act of her life.

"Phil Lester!" she cried, the cry cracking across the rip between the worlds "I curse you!"

"No!" Phil heard Dan scream above the raging wind of revenge, but it was already too late.

The words were said.

"You will never again be able to set foot this side of the wall as long as you, or your loved one live." Lamia shrieked, gesturing behind Dan, green sparks emitting from her fingertips.

"Stop!" Phil heard Dan sob. "Please stop!"

"I say these words as Lamia, High Witch of this world and with my last breath, Phil Lester, I banish you from Faerie!" the words echoed along the paths of the tears in the worlds.

Phil watched Dan scream, falling to his knees on the other side of the wall, the other side of the wall.

There was a violent blast, a nuclear explosion of emerald light. It surrounded Phil, ringing in his ears, his sense until-

There was nothing.

Lamia was gone.

Phil collapsed, reaching out one hand to Dan-

Only to be thrown back violently from the wall.

"No." Phil murmured, the reality of the situation sinking in. "No!" he said aloud, more forcibly.

"Dan." he murmured again, beheld with the sight of the star, his one, true love, his Heart's Desire weep out tears of silver as knelt on the floor, just by the wall.

"Phil." Dan's croaky voice replied, their hands crashing clumsily into one another in the gap in the wall, the void between the worlds.

As the two sat there in silence, squeezing onto each other tightly as the horrific reality started to sink in.

Phil buried his knees which were tucked up to his chest, letting out an involuntary keen of lost and longing

Phil Lester was a dreamer. But this time, reality had won.

*

Wall is a tiny windswept settlement sheltered in the cleft of a valley between two moorlands. Taking its name from actual wall located a mere mile from the village itself. Long and crumbling, the people of Wall have many legends and tales about the fabled wall.

One of such legends, is the Fool.

He lives in a tiny cottage, right next to the small gap in the crumbling wall. He never goes into the village, choosing instead to sit on top of the wall in the daylight, gazing out to whatever lies on the other side. He warns away curious children, village idiots and lovestruck fools, telling them all the same story. Some crackpot tale about witches, Faerie Wine and fallen stars.

There is a debate on how long the fool has lived in that cottage, despite his youthful exterior, if you were to gaze into his soft, sky-blue eyes, you would see the pain and knowledge about the hatefulness of the world of someone far older.

Despite the tales of the Forester family, passed down for generations to young Victoria Forester from her namesake, her great, great grandmother Victoria Anne Forester. Many people still try to woo or approach the Fool. His is always the same response, a polite decline, with the claim his heart is not his to give.

Some believe the Fool incapable of love, however young Victoria Philippa Forester knows better. For once, in the clear moonlight, the Fool was not sat alone on the windswept, stone wall. Sat beside him was another man, softly surrounded by a slight silver shimmer.

The only mystery of the fool left, is his seemingly unending life.

The answer to such a question, is simple. For he who possesses the heart of a star shall live forever.

And Dan had given his to Phil, completely.

------------------------------------------

  As he walked the small suitcase in hand, he studied his rather unfamiliar surroundings. A thin layer of mist layered the horizon, leaves swaying under a slight breeze that caressed his forehead, the smell of petrichor floating around while all of nature’s scents seemed stronger as they mixed together in a whirlwind of loneliness and pretty colors. Dan shook his head with a weak smile because he really didn’t identify with the intensity of the scenery before him, except for the clouds. They seemed to be racing one another across the leaden atmosphere, dark, grim and overshadowing; it all reminded him of a cemetery on Halloween night and he instantly felt his heart skip a beat along with the tumbling dim omens lacing the sky. Sight fixed on soil, he nearly missed the building standing before him, stiff but oddly welcoming.

 He slipped through the half lidded door, dragging his feet across the creaking floor and letting the smell of rotting wood and burnt out candles fill his lungs. Dan cautiously made his way to the counter across the room and approached the middle aged lady standing behind it, whose features lit up as she cast a soft smile at him. A pair of glasses was hanging from a thin string around her neck and it made him anxious because at any moment it could snap shattering the glass along with Dan’s composure during its fall. He ripped his eyes from it and returned a forced smile noticing a set of foggy green eyes looking back at him “Hello young man, how may I help you today?” she spoke in a silvery voice that matched her exterior. “Um, hello, I’m Dan Howell and I’ve booked a room here for three days” he replied, profoundly surprised by the lack of computers or other electronic devices. “Let me check dear” she buzzed, while pulling the glasses up to her nose, relieving Dan, and pulling out a rather large book from below the counter. She flipped through a couple ragged pages before spotting his name “there we go dear, room 314, just go up these stairs and you’ll find it no problem” she chimed while handing him a recently polished metal key. Dan thanked her and surrounded himself with his own thoughts, blocking out any distraction from the outside world. He walked up a flight of wooden stairs, allowing the sounds coming from his steps fill his own ears. After hazily unlocking the door that read “314” with faded gold letters, he simply let go of the suitcase he’d been gripping for the past hour and plopped on the bed on the side of the room. A few minutes passed while only his chest was heaving up and down and amber eyes were screwed on the ceiling. An old guitar’s sound took over his senses, as his eyelids fluttered shut effortlessly and he slipped in the lightest slumber.

 When Dan opened his eyes again the gloomy sunlight that was cast across his room had been replaced with a soft layer of darkness and instead of melancholic notes he now heard the soft humming of mockingbirds. The air was cold and carried small drops of water that made him shudder and search for the nearest source of light and warmth. A burst of light burned his retinas as his finger brushed upon a small string. Without putting much thought to his actions Dan softly cracked his door open and after reassuring no one was as mental as him to wander around at this time, he tip toed his way to the lobby. The dim light of a vintage lamp shone on the old lady that had helped him settle in the day before, only this time her glasses were rested on her chest, as she snored softly. Dan barely grinned at the sight and exited the building as a sudden rush of wind collided with his body. He took a few steps, dragging his feet on the wet soil and telling himself he’s allowed to reenact all the clichés he could. He slowly lifted his head to gaze at the moon that shone sharply down the earth, a ring circling its dusty grey craters. A few clouds were laying on the dark surface of the sky that resembled hurried brushes of ash and formed small waves of dust. Dan swore he could hear the music box his grandma used to love in the back of his head as he stared up at the void of space that lay ahead of him. The shaking of his body signaled that he had to retreat back to a place of warmth even though the iciness of the night suited him a lot more. As he turned around his eye got caught on a scintilla, something that looked like the trembling flame of a candle and he wondered to himself which other sane being would be awake at the loneliest time of the night. He stared blankly at its reflection on the glass window and felt like a firefly when the desire to approach this source of light overtook his body.  With the soft sound of the music box still buzzing in his ears he walked past the woman curled in her armchair and climbed up the steps. He felt numb and his head was spinning so that when he reached the top of the stairs he stood there mesmerized by the tall figure was stood in the end of the hallway. His surroundings were dark but he could make out raven black hair and skin so pale it almost seemed translucent. Dan’s eyes had widened, jaw slightly dropped, as he blinked a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t looking at a spectrum. The figure was stood at the window, peering at the crescent, so Dan hesitantly tried to get to his own room unnoticed because he wasn’t ready to face what could be even a figment of his imagination. As he got closer the features got more distinct and the tight feeling in his chest got near the point of exploding. By that point he could tell the figure was a man, who for some reason was awake during these irrational times, but chose to avoid interacting with him, because a big part of his mind was still unsure he wasn’t hallucinating. Dan shifted the doorknob and cautiously pushed the door open, when it creaked loudly and his blood ran cold. At the hearing of the sound he saw the man’s head turn suddenly and he was momentarily greeted with a pair of azure eyes that held most of the moon’s brightness. These fragments of seconds seemed to last forever until Dan couldn’t take the ache in his chest and rushed in his room, slamming the door behind him. His breathing was fast and his thoughts were cloudy. Had he just witnessed a ghost? A moonlight mirage? Was he dreaming? The music of the music box kept playing in his head as he opened the door again, and peeked at the hallway that was now empty. Perhaps he was dreaming. He lay on the mattress that smelled of grass and strangers with completely different lives. He didn’t feel sleepy, yet his body betrayed him as his peripheral vision got dark and the image of the charcoal haired “creature” with icy blue eyes was imprinted in the back of his eyelids.

  When he woke up, he didn’t remember turning off the lamp next to his bed, yet he was plunged in darkness. Instead of being woken up from sunlight invading his senses, he was greeted with thunder striking seemingly next to his mattress. Thick raindrops collided with his window threatening to smash the glass into tiny pieces. Dan’s mind hadn’t yet recovered from the state of deep sleep he was in, so he brought shaking fingers to rub his eyes and hopefully clear his vision. The sky was still ominously dark, only this time there were no stars scattered around the horizon to interrupt this monochrome canvas. Bolts of lighting mercilessly erupted from the sky way too often and Dan was more concerned by the lack of electricity and signal on his phone, rather than the whirlwind of nature’s elements outside his window. Despite the protest of his aching limbs he lifted himself up and took a moment to glimpse at, what sounded like, the Armageddon happening right next to him. He turned his eyes towards the horizon and was stunned by the downpour that made it impossible for him to have a clear vision of the landscape 4 feet away. Instead of lingering on that spectacle he decided on strolling around the motel, ignoring the whisper in the back of his head that was both for and against finding out about the previous night’s encounter. He hastily went down the stairs to find a middle aged man sprawled across one of the armchairs, reading a seemingly old version of The Three Musketeers and the same lady behind the counter that seemed to be having quite a heated argument over the phone. He quietly shuffled past her and propped his back against the nearest wall, trying to collect his thoughts despite the cataclysm that were his surroundings. The echo of raindrops dissolving into the wooden planks mixed with a distant melody that was meant to be comforting but filled him with the feelings he would get standing in the middle cemetery on Halloween night, flooded his ears. The woman’s arguing that grew louder forced him to gape a tired pair of eyes, lacking the realization he’d ever shut them in the first place. She put down the receiver with a huff and shot an apologetic smile to Dan’s direction, before gesturing him to approach her. “Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a bit of a storm out there” she commented with a short laugh. “Sure looks like one” he replied, glancing outside the window briefly. “Well dear- can I call you Daniel?” she enquired but she didn’t really wait for a response. “Well Daniel” she continued hesitantly, smile fading away, “This area attracted a lot of lightning, especially near the forest. Apparently, these forsaken lighting bolts along with Aeolus’ wrath, have yanked a whole lot of trees and dropped them all over the fields; most of the roads have been blocked.” She slowly lowered her gaze as she spoke and Dan blinked trying to process the words coming out of her mouth. “What I’m tying to say, Daniel, is that your stay here might be longer than you bargained for.” Uncertainty washed through him. “Can’t someone just remove all those obstacles blocking the roads?” he answered, knowing he sounded irrational. “People aren’t supposed to be outside at times like these” she paused. “It’s not safe” she mumbled with a hint of melancholy in her voice and Dan was about question that last clarification before she cut him off. “Oh don’t worry about a thing dear, it’s probably my silly ol’ self being dramatic. I’m sure everything will be just fine, you’ll have a lovely time” she chirped, trying to shake off the sorrowful tone her voice had acquired. Dan flashed her a false grin and decided to return to his room, shooting a glance behind him, observing that the man had taken absolutely no notice of their conversation, but was still plunged in 17th century France. Having lost count of how many times he’d crossed the stairs that connected the two floors, he was spread on recently washed bed sheets flicking through the pages of a novel, not being able to dispose of the lady’s words. Not safe. These three syllables were being crushed against his skull, searching for a meaning. He had a few more moments to delve into the realm of his thoughts before thunder struck and he swore he could feel the ground quiver. A calamity of smashing wood and glass ruled the atmosphere and then everything was buzzing, a high pitched screeching sound being the only thing he could hear. His vision grew blurry as a cry of fear became more distinct among his senses. The immediate reaction he had was to dart across the floor and spot what caused this disaster but the steady voice shouting “Can everyone please stay where they are” discouraged him enough so he was standing between four constricting walls feeling powerless for a fair amount of moments. The panic and shuffling outside his door slowly simmered down and he was able to dive back into the novel that spoke of silky clothing, gloomy sunlight and a character painting wordless pictures, who was searching for purpose among pointless curses and nonsense verses. Maybe he enjoyed that writing so much was because he thought it was about him. Hours slipped by -could’ve been minutes. Dan had lost all perception of time, as the color of the sky didn’t transition from a light blue shade to lavender patches, but remained the same dull grey that got imprinted behind his eyelids. Rain wouldn’t stop coming down, violently seeping in the ground.

Dan hated and loved his convictions at the same time. Curiosity overtook his actions as he peeked outside his door and slipped into the hallway. The sounds his movements made were absorbed by the merlot carpet knitted with patterns that mixed together, so he was once more alone in the corridor to study his surroundings. The atmosphere felt thick, bound with more dust than before, along with the lingering smell of rotting wood and the overwhelming scent of an attic that hasn’t been opened for quite some time. What drew his attention most was the visibly cracked door, leaving the rusty numbers hang carelessly in undetermined places, exactly like the woman’s glasses hung from her neck threatening to crash on the hard wood floor, Dan thought. The gap on the door generously offered quite an open view of the room and Dan couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of the interior. Shards of shattered glass flooded the floor, swallowing any piece of clothing or furniture except for the lit candle oddly placed on a broken stool, which seemed to be left intact by whatever hurricane struck this specific place. His thoughts battled each other, since that couldn’t possibly be the dim flame he saw a couple nights ago during his past midnight promenade. The flare was weak and radiated an anemic yet teasing glow that reminded Dan of the paleness on a survivor’s skin and the feeble upwards curl of their lips. He fought the urge to let out a lengthy exhale and replace the shaky flame with black smoke that swirled into the air and added the smell of burnt matchsticks next to the fireplace. As he heard footsteps and a lock being unlocked he rushed down the stairs to avoid judgmental looks and ungrounded assumptions on his state of mind. During his descent he couldn’t help but notice the lady who was sat behind the counter and usually wore her hair in a neat bun was now trying to scrape ash stains off her floral dress, strands of silver hair covering her features. The creak of the staircase caused her to raise her head, eyes lighting up as soon as she recognized his figure.

“Oh Daniel it’s you, thank the heavens” she sighed and signaled him to get to the counter.

“Listen dear, this storm has been wilder than we expected it to be and it will most likely last even longer as well. Now, you’re probably wondering what that smashing noise was. Well…” she hesitated but continued when she was encountered with a reassuring nod from Dan’s direction.

“Well, thunder struck one of the trees near the building and it collapsed on a room near yours” Dan’s eyes widened as her narration progressed.

“Oh don’t be concerned, no one was hurt, thankfully the young man staying there wasn’t in the room at that moment” a small whisper erupted in his subconscious, announcing that this man was the figure he encountered that night but the rational part of his mind buried that idea along with midnight dreams and a scratchy throat.

“Of course you do realize, that room is in no condition to be inhabited at the moment and that leaves a young man with nowhere to sleep for quite some time” she kept rambling.

“Since this is a rural area, mostly families book rooms here and certainly it wouldn’t be appropriate for children to be around a stranger don’t you agree?”

Dan swallowed thickly and nodded because he knew exactly what she was trying to get through but didn’t have the energy to interrupt her.

“So my dear Daniel, what I’m trying to say is, it would be extremely kind if you could allow this young man to remain with you for as long as this storm lasts” she gave him a pleading look and continued before Dan could even open his mouth to reply.

“I’d assume your age difference is minimal so I’m convinced you will face no problem staying with him whatsoever” she added and Dan could swear he saw her eyes glistening, tears threatening to be spilt. If he was being honest with himself he wasn’t the most social of people and preferred to have space to dwell on his thoughts but he had abandoned any sense of logic the moment he decided to walk through those plain wooden doors. He swallowed thickly in reminiscence of the pale figure with eyes coloured like glaciers and messy raven hair. Not trusting his instincts, he decided to sneak out of the room and return at dawn, when all shadows dissolve under gleam sunlight. The time for their first official encounter came too quickly for his liking and soon he was stepping in the hallway with vintage armchairs and swiftly making his way to the ground floor, where the old lady behind the counter was filling the silence with soft snores. They mixed with the violent outburst of the storm outside, forming a rather contradictory symphony, with vibratos being whispered while pianos are being yelled. Under those sounds he gave in the warm appeal of shutting his eyes and letting his spirit wander around the depths of the universe, with a frame of darkness constantly present, lingering above his every move and thought.

Dragged by the water’s flow, when he fluttered his eyelids open, the sky held the same image that resembled smoke swirling and raising into thin air, sweeping away any trace that it once hosted light. Judging from the lamp still shining down on the woman hunched over the counter, he assumed that any rational being would be locked inside their dreamland, unwilling to let go of its –oh so sweet- deception. Having lost count of how many times he crossed the staircase in long rushed strides or small hesitant steps, he was once again faced with the dull numbers “314”, which were now daring him to imprison or embrace, what could be, his delusions. He rested his fingers on the handle and shakily shifted it, agony sparking in his stomach and traveling all the way to his fingertips, through what felt like a jolt of electricity.

The room was nearly pitch black, except for a dim quivering scintilla, whose spark weakly scraped off a layer of darkness off the atmosphere and then faded in languishing shades of erythraean. The irrational fear of being swallowed up by that layer crossed Dan’s mind in a split second, even though he could vaguely distinguish the shape of furniture under the comforting moonlight that seemed to take pity in the lonely candle set in the middle of the room and sent him ethereal company. He shuffled towards it and nearly jumped out of his own skin when he heard someone softly murmuring a greeting to his direction. His feet felt frozen to the floor as the source of this murmur approached the window, only to be illuminated for Dan to see he wasn’t in fact facing a ghoul. He slowly studied the figure’s features in more detail; livid skin, messy jet black hair, and cerulean eyes struck him with the realization that he was standing in front of the night’s trick. He drew in a sharp breath and he felt his eyes widen to the size of craters and he couldn’t help but shiver.

“You don’t always have to look so horrified y’know” he snorted and his voice was laced with hints of a northern accent and a tone that sounded like snow falling in spring. Dan opened his mouth but words failed him yet again so he ended up staring at the man in front of him. So far, the man was having a one sided conversation with himself and Dan couldn’t complain because he spoke in an orotund voice that circled the atmosphere around him. He noticed flavescent splatters of paint in his azure eyes and completely drowned any self consciousness that tried to remind him that he was staring at a stranger for way longer than accepted. “I’m Phil, thanks for asking” he repeated with a chuckle that Dan could only describe as supernal. It felt like the breath you take when you step out of the car after a long road trip or the kind of dizzy you would get if you spun seventeen times. “And you’re Daniel” he stated with ease, as if he was reciting lines from a sloppily written script.

“Alec told me about you” Phil added, not expecting a response at this point.

“Alec?” Dan asked cocking his head to the side. “You really aren’t one for chatting are you” he commented, a near cocky grin plastered on his face. “The lady that talked you into letting me stay here is called Alecto or Alec for short.” he rambled on, running his finger over the flame “Pretty name, I don’t think it matches her though”. Dan, still unwilling to move from his original place, decided he hated the rain for making Phil’s voice raspy.

“How so?” and Dan thought he heard Phil reply Aren’t you in for some myth narration but –fuck- his knees felt weak. He staggered across the room and examined a spot on the floor. Dan had never felt more like a candle in his life.

“I’m not fond of silence” Phil murmured aimlessly, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.

“I’m not fond of the dark” Dan whispered back because the candle seemed to be melting and Phil’s blinking looked feather light. He found himself wondering what it felt like to float.

“Mind hearing that story?” Phil looked up at him and Dan swore he could hear the rain’s crashing against blurred glass become more lethargic, as he nodded, pretending he’d slept in the past two days. In one swift movement Phil shifted his body to face Dan, subconsciously staring right behind him. The words flowing off his mouth narrated the story of Alecto, one of the infamous Furies, chthonic deities that pursued all those who had committed the most spiteful and unethical crimes. Her effect on those was madness. Alecto haunted those who were blinded by wrath and didn’t know forgiveness or remorse, only spitefulness. Phil scoffed slightly at that because Alec was a being composed entirely of kindness and Dan wanted to ask how he knew but the air smelt too much of icy tiles and Phil’s sight was entirely focused on the wall and Dan felt the urge to join the specks of yellow that inhabited Phil’s irises with distant constellations.

By the time Phil had ended his story Dan’s ears were flooded with the same music box melody he’d been hearing ever since he arrived, only this time it was muffled, tied down by another dimension’s barrier of sound. Phil’s next words were brought to a halt as he noticed Dan’s rhythmic breathing and shut eyelids, the small twitchy movements of his limbs mirroring his conscious state. Phil had his constantly flicking eyes and keen allure imprinted in the back of his eyelids. He figured he would finish his story when Dan woke up, but broke his thought when a murmur of how does it end? tore through the silence.

“I guess someone wanted to be heard when he said that courtesy and benevolence don’t differ that much”

Dan’s brain was foggy but he needed to match the look of sheer ice Phil had given him the first night with perfectly composed chemical equations. He needed for it to make sense. Because he spent most days trying to comprehend why Allan Poe would write narrative poem with a hundred and eight lines and eighteen stanzas only to give it a two word title and most nights trying to convince himself that it didn’t really matter. Because the wooden floor creaked when he crossed it and orchids grew in asymmetrical formations and four strands of Phil’s hair weren’t aligned with the rest.

Motives made Dan suffocate, crashing over his mind with perfectly shaped angles, but the candle that Phil lit in the same spot as the previous night just couldn’t fit that mold. Phil told him that his grandmother loved candles and that she was the most talented storyteller the world was lucky enough to accommodate, so Dan decided to drown his questions because Phil was sprawled in his chair, pursing his lips.

“Her voice felt like silk cloaking the air so lightly that nobody would interrupt her when she spoke; nobody had the will to” he chuckled breathily.

“People said she’d been to the edges of the universe, where space folds and crushes planets and nebulas because they couldn’t understand how many tales one person could make up”

“I was fortunate enough to be able to sneak into her room after midnight and let her go on about a million universes and lives that went on alongside ours. I rarely slept at night because of it; old habits die hard I guess” he persisted, a faint grin plastered on his face.

“I felt the need to memorize every single phrase that came out of her mouth and she’d always ruffle my hair when she noticed my eyes fixed on her. Another old habit” he added running a hand through his hair.

“I got those stories, the ones that nobody else had heard and weren’t fictional, I got to hear her life tales. It was miraculous to see her eyes dim and glimmer simultaneously, I always thought her mind could travel back to those times and relive them again” Dan couldn’t contain his smirk as he heard those words because he could picture the scene, only from his point of view Phil was the one traveling to the edges of Creation and Dan was left wondering how it was possible.

“And she’d always call me Phil, even though my mother wanted my name to remain Phillip at all occasions.” Phil continued and questioned if it was worth taking that long feared plunge into the past. He glanced over at Dan who was staring at him with wondering eyes and held his breath each time Phil made a pause. He almost felt like moving, in an effort to make sure that he wasn’t looking into a mirror showing him the exact look his grandma had described years ago. He wouldn’t dare look in a mirror these days; he wasn’t sure he could handle his reflection.

“Wanderlust is what your eyes look like. Billions glimmering specks of emerald that want to fly so high that you won’t be able to breathe for a second, like reverse raindrops” Phil quoted her words and Dan hummed in question,

“S’what she’d told me the time when I made her stay up until four to keep telling her stories.” Phil felt dizzy, stomach churning relentlessly and breath shortening but the words didn’t get caught in his throat. He couldn’t let that happen again. The rain wouldn’t simmer down and yet Phil’s insides felt like they were on fire even when the candle burnt down and he could no longer see the flame originated shadows floating around Dan’s face. Neither of them flinched when the candle was blown out yet Dan shuffled closer to the window. Part of him wanted to slap Phil across the face because how can he act so calm in the dark and another part of him wished he was colour blind so he wouldn’t get a migraine every time he thought of the colour blue.

“Aren’t you going to light up another one?” Dan questioned, fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt,

“Don’t really plan to” Phil replied swiftly, since he was mostly lost in darkness and could now manage to regain his composure. Dan gritted his teeth at the hint of irony in Phil’s voice and inhaled the faint smoke that pierced through the charcoal atmosphere in fluid grey moves. He jumped to his feet and prowled to where Phil was sitting, the smug smirk painted back on his lips. He put his arms on both sides of the armchair and leaned forward, letting his breath ghost for longer than necessary on Phil’s ear. He took a glimpse of Phil’s usually slick fingers clutching at the chair while breathing Suit yourself agonizingly slowly and then retreating back.

The next night, when the flame went out and Dan gestured towards the candle with furrowed eyebrows, Phil just let out a Yeah? before Dan strode to him and this time managed to lock their eyes. He could barely make out Phil’s usually half lidded eyelids and tired face, but he could feel his breathing against his lips and that’s all the encouragement he needed to crash their lips together. The night slipped past both their fingers and before Dan could even register what Phil’s lips tasted like, he found himself drifting to a soft slumber leaning against Phil’s chest.

Phil was nowhere to be seen in the room when Dan woke up. He let his eyes adjust to the dull lighting that the clouds allowed and scanned around the room for a figure with charcoal hair that would stick out among the beige painted walls. He didn’t bother posing himself any questions or even rub the layer of sleep from his eyes. He figured Phil would be translucent in sunlight anyway, dissolving among dust particles in some way. They both knew he didn’t fit with sunlight, yet the sky was still rough with dark clouds so Dan had to let a small whisper of why travel through the back of his head. Nighttime would arrive soon, Dan thought as he ran his fingers through messy hair and blinked away the dizziness while turning the handle of the door. After scuffing his way down the staircase he was greeted with the all too familiar scent of brewed coffee flooding his surroundings and Alec sitting behind the counter cautiously sipping from a steaming mug and flipping the pages of a book of some sort. Dan slowly sat in one of the chairs in front of her and shot her an acknowledging smile.

“Oh Daniel, good morning dear, sleep well?” she spoke, placing the mug, which was after all filled with tea, on the counter and scouring in the cupboards behind her. Dan just nodded in agreement and peered at a few people that were hazily studying -probably too old- newspapers.

“Phillip told me you’d pay me a morning visit so I should make an extra cup of coffee” she chimed while handing him a cup and placing a flowery plate of cookies next to him.

“Baked ‘em myself” she chimed and wiped her palms on her dress while returning in her original position and sipping her tea.

“Um it’s Alec, right?” Dan asked while his exhaustion trembling fingers grasped at the cup in front of him.

“Oh my, only Phillip calls me that these days but sure dear you could say that’s my name” she exclaimed in her usual manner and Dan started wondering about contradictions.

He had quite a few things to ask along the lines of How did Phil know I was coming Why haven’t you asked me what I wanted yet or How I, all of a sudden, learned that oh so specific nickname. Instead he chose How long do you think the storm’s gonna last? in a rusty voice while dipping one of the pastries in his cup. He saw her face drop momentarily at that before responding

“Oh I wouldn’t know dear. Could be three days or could be another two weeks” Dan hummed and briefly studied her features before returning to aimlessly swirling his coffee with a silver spoon. Her eyes held the kind of green you would see if you stared at a forest through a telescope or the colour of chlorite as it’s being dug up from eight feet under the ground. The wrinkles on her face were particularly prominent around her eyes and the creases of her cyan floral dress made Dan’s fingers twitch slightly so that he had to grab another cookie. Her glasses were balanced at the top of her nose and her gray hair was tied up, leaving two long gray strands frame her face.

“Should I take a little walk outside then?” Dan pushed his chair and started to get up, expecting a panicked reaction from Alec. Instead she slowly took a gulp of her tea and without lifting her eyes from the book pages spoke

“Wouldn’t advise you to dear, it’s getting pretty bad outside” Dan stopped in his tracks while she carefully placed the cup back to the counter and lifted her head to look at him.

“Don’t expect the soil to dry under moonlight, Daniel” Alec added sternly, in a fashion much more different than what he’d been used to. Maybe contradictions weren’t so intriguing after all he thought while gripping his cup and striding up the stairs, the image of one baked cookie left on that plate flying through his head.

Currents of wind whipped again the room’s window and the occasional sound of doors slamming made Dan wince as he scoured through his clothes. He could feel frustration building in his stomach as his fingers grazed through countless sweaters. Dan was getting so tired of dangerously erratic heartbeats and shaky fingers that make supposedly perfect curves into cracked lines with absolutely no consistency. Sick of panicked movements based on logic and experience that still end in looks full of disappointment and remorse. Sick and tired of sympathetic figures breezing past, oblivious to the knot in his ribcage that swelled with no opportunity of a single redeeming breath. He shook his head and for the first time in his quote unquote trip collapsed on his back and allowed his mind to run wild. The seed of irrationality planted in his insides made his skin crawl as he shut his eyelids and was able to travel back in time as well. Back to the time when his mind went foggy with eyes studying his like this experiment gone wrong. It went foggy with questioning looks and why why why. He remembers wishing really badly he could answer them, solve that non existing riddle, untie that knot that none other than himself had secured around his existence. And his insides had caught on fire because they stared at him with furrowed eyebrows and suddenly he knew why galaxies didn’t collide with each other. And he hoped they knew why he craved loneliness, why he’d painted a perfect mask on his features with the same shaky fingers that are now oh so tired from struggling and always ending up falling hopeless to his sides. He could feel the resentment, oh that resentment of himself, creeping back because he’d attended his pride’s funeral more than a human ever should and because he didn’t hate his guts. He was disgusted at them, mimicking the expressions of those who glanced at him. He scoffed at those saying that the eyes are a window to the soul because if that was the case he thought maybe if he looked hard enough in his mirror he could find that dark patch and just rip it out. People want to delve back into their past and look for bliss but he couldn’t do that, for what lay behind him was more horribly crooked than his current soil. What lay in front of him was fogged, he’d been standing on eggshells, the path he’d walked held nothing but misery; where the fuck was he supposed to go? And still still after he’d left lilies on his pride’s grave it still ghosted his body and wouldn’t allow him to break down. He feared of crumbling into dust and being faced with the oblivion that has been overcasting his moments but maybe that’s what it takes to find a clearer path. But Dan didn’t trust himself -never did for that matter-. He couldn’t trick himself into believing that redemption was a choice. Music box sounds were reining his senses from the moment he shut his eyes and even though the notes were the exact same, they radiated hostility, a melody ever so aggressive and yet he welcomed it with no hesitation. It’s too early for a breakdown he thought, but then again; was it? Time wouldn’t progress in its normal rhythm when ensnared in a dome of stained vapor, in a haze where sleep and insomnia danced along side in a whirlwind of mellow negation. And Dan, stuck in the middle of this contradictory storm, let insomnia beat him and surrendered to sleep.

He woke up surrounded in translucent darkness and heard shuffling coming from the table across him. He made out Phil striking a match and lighting up his candle, then swiftly crouching next to his chair. Dan dug the heels of his palms in his eyes and focused his sight to the volume placed on the table, the words Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe merely visible next to the weak flame.

“How the fuck did you get this?” he asked lifting himself up and gripping the book.

“Figured you’d wanna read it so I dug it up” Phil replied simply, fidgeting with something that couldn’t be recognized in the dark.

“You went through my things?” Dan exaggerated the last word.

“Nope, just stumbled upon it” Phil shrugged and Dan raised his eyebrow in disbelief.

“Your grandfather sounds like a remarkable being” he added. Dan’s pupils blew wide and Phil spoke up before he could react.

“Read the inscription” Dan knew what that was about; he’d stared at that page for so long he’d memorized every single crease.

“Mind elaborating?” Phil added, snapping Dan out of his reminiscing trance. And so, with no particular questioning he spoke. He talked about the first time his grandfather read him a ghost story and how he got nightmares that night. How the next day he told his grandfather and he’d laughed telling him they were sweet sweet nightmares. How he’d beg his grandfather to read him a different one before he went to bed every night, even though he’d end up in his mother’s room shivering with tear filled eyes. How when she figured out she scoffed at them both and prohibited anything horror related from the house. He slept peacefully after that but oddly longed his imagination racing at what could be lurking in the shadows. He recalled his grandfather slipping a gift wrapped in gold and brown striped paper in his hands and ushering him to hide it in his room on his ninth birthday. After making sure that everyone had fallen asleep that night he plopped on his bed and sloppily unwrapped it, running his finger over the purple cover decorated with silver letters. He’d stayed up until 6am, not averting his eyes from the pages until his mother knocked on his door. He had to pretend he was sick that day but at least he’d gotten a feigned look of disapproval and a tight embrace from his grandfather. His voice must have dropped an octave when talking about waking up to his mother sobbing in his father’s shoulder at 4am on a Saturday, the phone abandoned next to their feet. The first thought that crossed his mind was how he didn’t get the chance to tell his grandfather he’d finished the book the previous night. The second thought couldn’t be articulated. Silence settled in the room and Dan felt like he was being pulled back in until Phil spoke up lowering his head

“I don’t know any stories of Poe’s”

“I’ll settle for anything, really” Dan replied and Phil’s lips spread into a grin. After hearing about the ghouls whose breath spread fog above humans and cast blizzard upon their most hated enemies, Dan found out that Phil’s blinking was still feather light against the skin of his neck. He didn’t get a chance to ask how he knew he’d talk to Alec or why he dug up his book or how his whimpers sounded sweeter than rain dripping on a rooftop about to collapse. Dan stopped registering what happened during daytime, since his eyes burned when encountered with sunlight and the phosphenes in the back of his eyelids formed colourful constellations of non-existent shades. Then again typhoons left no space for brightness and Phil felt like chrysalism, so he slipped through hours with no intention of returning them one day.

 “Can I hear one of them?” Dan asked the night after. Phil tilted his head in question. “I mean the stories. That your grandmother told you”

“Already have” Phil spoke grinning softly, nodding towards the door.

“Alec?” he inquired and Phil nodded. “Try a different one then” Dan suggested and then he felt his stomach clench with anticipation of the supernova that was about to take place in Phil’s eyes. Dan could only see this mixture of dimly shining golden and emerald spots swimming in sapphire when Phil was way into his narration, absorbed by that dimension and it seemed to him that his conscious wasn’t with him, only mellow sentences dripping off his lips with supernal ease, just like copper melted into sturdy shapes. He just shook his head and rid his mind of any leftover thoughts, throwing them straight into the candle’s flame. Phil chose to retell the tale of the man who had come to terms with his mortality and yet wept staring at his hourglass.

“She’d told me she remembers her father speaking so highly of this incandescent, kindhearted man that had come to be his closest friend, ever since she was a child. That was until she actually met him and just couldn’t avert her eyes from this beaming figure that, according to her, spoke so effortlessly, as if he knew his words would never be criticized. “Nicholas was the free spirit that every child worships and so I never left his side whenever he visited. My father once remarked that I preferred sitting in his friend’s lap than his own and in my childhood naivety I couldn’t comprehend the hint of honesty in his irony laced tone. I grew beside that man, nearly as much as I grew beside Cecil, the family cat.” Phil quoted her words to the exact. 

It wasn’t until many years later that she realized how shaky his fingers got when he spoke to people or how his voice cracked at someone’s mere aggravated glance. She still loved him dearly though, his tone always remained cheery and his face lit up despite his snowy pale complexion. Her father once told her that Nicholas’ smile was filled with more pride when looking at her than when he received his first poetry award. She said she’d never felt that much joy until then. As she approached adulthood his visits became less frequent and his complexion was then painted with the same colours as the palette of dusk. He could never bear his obsidian eyes on anyone for longer than a moment before ripping his look and rubbing at his temples. He never stopped favouring my grandmother though. Even after his disappearance and her father’s evident concern, which reached despair after a few weeks, she knew Nicholas was safe, simply because he’d told her. Any traces of worry she had were shattered when someone knocked at their door four times like Nicholas always did, only when she rushed to the door it was like encountering a different man. However, his suit that was coming apart at the seams and his usually spotless white shirt that was decorated with patches of dirt didn’t stop her from welcoming him into a tight embrace. He didn’t speak in his usual voice, just laid a kiss to my grandmother’s forehead and stated My entire life has been nothing but a dream before striding out of their front yard, his long ripped coat floating under September’s breeze.

I forgot to mention my grandmother’s first house was located significantly close to the sea, nearly on shore, so she wasn’t surprised to see that Nicholas was headed to the sea when following him. To her surprise though, instead of committing some irrational act she saw him from a distance, sitting cross legged on the sand grasping fistfuls of it. When she kneeled in front of him, ruining her mother’s dress, she noticed his chest heaving up and down in unsteady rhythms and his breath coming out in hiccups. She asked him why he was crying and he lifted his head, revealing his tear stained face with a look that hit her like a ton of bricks. “Look” he managed in a choked out sob as he gestured to his sand filled hand. “No matter how hard I grasp it the sand keeps slipping in between my knuckles” he continued while his black curls covered his twisted features. “I can’t do anything but watch it slip” he cried in a way she then believed no man would ever. She pulled at his coat in the same manner she did when she was a child, to get him to look at her, tears threatening to spill. “Forgive my sudden madness, it just feels like a dream” he spoke upon noticing her darkened expression. Phil grew silent then and Dan had to nudge him to continue.

“So, what happened to him after all?” he demanded in the mildest voice.

“Dunno” he said simply.

“What do you mean? You don’t know how it ends?” Dan asked again.

“I fell asleep”

“Then why’d you choose this one?” Dan said, annoyance becoming clear in his voice. Phil just shrugged.

“It just doesn’t make sense” Dan ran a hand through his hair.

“I never intended it to” Phil made sure to remind him before resting his head on the armchair and letting his hair cover his moonlight bathed features. Dan huffed in response and decided against forcing himself awake for another consecutive night so he faltered to Phil’s direction before squeezing in the space between him and the armchair handle and letting his head drop, while Phil’s hands radiated warmth around his waist.

“Aren’t you going to blow out the candle?” he mumbled.

“No need to, it melts on its own” Phil reciprocated and Dan never felt like a candle more in his entire life. Phil held the kind of contradiction of listening to soft piano music in a car heading to crash.

Despite falling asleep to tangled limbs Dan woke up with a vicious back ache and way too much free space on that armchair. He murmured the fuck before rubbing his cheek, surely causing his skin to grow patches of bright red. A quick glance at the sky revealed how ominously dark the atmosphere was, raindrops raging to the ground, engulfed in a blur of dull colours. The clock that hung on the wall opposite him and ticked too loud during the night gestured towards noon and despite the previous day’s events, a talk with Alec seemed more or less comforting. The lobby was seemingly empty and Alec was standing beside the counter, her dark green dress crumpled, hair sloppily tied up while an unmistakable look of worry was sculpted in her features. Dan plodded towards her in an attempt not to startle her from her universe of thoughts and spoke a reluctant Morning, Alec when she noticed his presence.

“Hello Daniel dear, how was your night?” she asked trying to imitate her usual chiming tone, yet indifference was clear in her voice as her eyebrows were furrowed and her chest heaving up and down in a dangerously erratic beat.

“Was alright. It’s really getting worse isn’t it?” Dan mentioned turning to face the window, finally drawing Alec’s attention.

“It really is. It’s rarely that bad” she mindlessly trembled while speaking. Before Dan had the chance to pose any more questions she, for the first time in his stay there, visibly winced at thunder striking.

“I’m sorry dear, I, sadly, don’t have the time to speak with you today but try and stay in your room and away from windows, alright?” she rambled before slipping into a woolen coat and waddling up the stairs. Dan tried to pinpoint what was making unease settle in his stomach but logic guided him towards following Alec’s movements. He couldn’t say he expected the hallway to be empty, with no sight or sound of any movement or human presence. His mind raced with questions.

“How can she move so fast, she’s an old woman for fuck’s sake!” he exclaimed to himself while trying to steady his breath and retreating back to his room in defeat.

Just when he shifted the handle behind him a rather concerning observation sprang to his head. The motel only had two floors. Was he hallucinating again? Was he just sleepwalking or were his eyes playing tricks on him again? He popped his head out of the door and was faced with the same eerie silence accompanied by the strong noise of rain colliding with the rooftop and no hidden staircases appeared on either side of his vision. He walked staring at his room floor and trying to battle away his mind screaming at him that he was slowly slipping into insanity. Even then, with his brain spinning and his state of mind being crushed, he spotted the same damn music box sound at the back of his head. He hated how smoothly the melody flowed and the amount of peace that it brought to his insides, as he seemed to be put in a trance. He flopped on the bed and snatched his grandfather’s book from the table and flipping it to a random page and freely diving into a world of fantasy and horror that yet seemed to be less complicated than his own. Four hundred and thirty nine pages and a creak of the door later, Dan lifted his head to see Phil strolling along the room holding yet another bleach white candle in his left hand and a single match in his right. As he got to the usual process Dan put the book to his side and asked.

“So where’s Alec?”

“Downstairs, last time I checked” Phil spoke simply as he dragged the match across the wooden table in one quick move.

“And you?” Dan added tilting his head to the side.

“Here” he replied while bringing the flame to the candle’s top. Dan was about to elaborate his words, only Phil was quick to continue.

“He lived”

“Who did?” Dan inquired, taken aback by his statement.

“Nicholas. He lived”

“How d’you know?” Dan scrambled his own words.

Phil shrugged again and added

“’m just tired” while heading to the armchair and landing carelessly on it.

“Phil! you can’t just-” Dan complained before being interrupted by a soft snore tearing through the darkness. Dan huffed and lay on his back on the bed next to the door.

Phil woke at the exact same time as the past few weeks and immediately sat up straight, picking the burnt out candle from the table and heading to the door soundlessly, all too familiar with being stealthy during this process. When his fingers touched the handle he felt a hand grab at his arm and his blood temperature dropped by many degrees. He rotated his head slowly, to see Dan staring at him, wide awake and staring straight at him.

“What the hell?” Phil exaggerated in the lowest voice he could manage.

“Why?” Dan spat at him and Phil was quick to shake his hand off and spit

“You really shouldn’t dig around” before rushing out of the room and on his usual route out of the building. Despite Dan’s apparent stubborn nature he didn’t expect him to come after him into the raging storm, not being nearly as experienced as him in those conditions. He jolted down the stairs, jumping over the motel’s exterior steps and allowing the redeeming frozen raindrops wash off his concern. Phil dashed into the woods, between the two tallest trees, around the huge rock with vines climbing on its left side and jumping straight over the pile of logs. He was well aware that these conditions would make even the most experienced hiker pant and slip many times along the way but he so much as sauntered his way through the muddy soil. A few minutes later and the sole crack of a branch made him whip his head back to see Dan struggling to get his feet free from vines tangled around them. Phil scoffed at his borderline insane determination but stuck to his technique and continued his course, making sure to slip behind tree trunks after his every step, to make himself seemingly invisible. After staying still for several moments behind a thick branch he made out Dan shifting his gaze across the woods and striding back to his route. Phil sighed in relief and marched through the rest of the way until he reached the spot surrounded by three giant boulders directly next to each other. He slowed his pace as he walked towards the left side of the middle rock and reached in his pocket to pull out the candle, kneeling. Panic coursed through him as he kept feeling the inside of his jacket, only to find nothing but fabric. He felt like collapsing. Had he dropped it in his way here? Did he forget to pick it up in the first place? He’d never find it if it was left somewhere in the forest and he couldn’t repeat the same track twice. He never did!

Just as he jolted up, ready to rush around in panic, Dan showed from behind a tree, grasping the candle tightly and bringing his head to his knees as he panted for what seemed like forever.

“You... asshole” he managed out while handing it to him and wiping his eyes to clear his vision from the rain water whipping mercilessly at his face. Dan watched as Phil kneeled in among the three boulders and dug open an already existing hole, before placing the candle in and covering it up with a significant amount of soil.

“It’s hers, isn’t it?” Dan asked softly as Phil stood up and turned to face him and nodded in response.

“She got lost somewhere in this forest during a storm like this, hikers found her dead just there” he added, gesturing towards the spot he was just standing in front of.

“Scared of the dark too. She wouldn’t talk to me during storms unless I brought her these” he chuckled, rubbing the back of his head, wishing for a cliché, movie-like understanding nod from Dan so they could move on, but his shell shocked expression and exclamation of wait what?! forced him back to reality.

“It’s not like I-” Phil sighed in frustration “Let me just explain along the way?” he urged Dan to follow him through the thick branches.

After many moments of thorough explaining coming from Phil and a roller coaster of emotions painted on Dan’s features, he was able to form a somewhat coherent evaluation of what was happening.

“So you never met her?”

“Nope. She died long before I was born”

“And all this about her stories putting you to sleep every night...”

“Half true. She did tell me all those stories, just... not in person”

“How did you even find out?”

“I was staying with Alec every summer as a child and I’d wander in here for hours on end. The one time I inevitably got lost, I stumbled upon that place so I sat between those boulders, thinking I’d never go home again. When I heard her voice I was so terrified I started screaming and running until Alec found me and carried me back. I still went back the next day though, it felt like I needed to heard that sweet sweet voice again. This time, when she did talk to me again I didn’t flee in panic, I just sat on the dead leaves and listened to her tell me a fairytale. A few days later she introduced herself as my grandmother and in my delirious state I dragged Alec over here. I’ll never forget her face, or the tone of grandmother’s voice as they first spoke. I was afraid Alec would drop dead too, as she was kneeled on the ground sobbing loudly, with my grandmother merely whispering at her”

“Alec... knew her?”

“Of course she did. Alec was her childhood friend” Phil continued “We’d stroll hand in hand over here every day to talk to her and I never quite understood why Alec always cried at the first hearing of her voice. Grandmother never did, though” he added, dodging a rather large tree branch blocking his way.

“So, when another one of those storms broke out I couldn’t visit her in the woods, even Alec wouldn’t let me, so I sneaked out at night and ran down there to greet her. My heart dropped at hearing her sob in the same way Alec did that first time and when I asked her why she was crying she told me she was scared of the dark during those storms. I didn’t know what to do for her, other than try to bring her a lit candle, which was always put out by the rain on my way here. She did laugh when I first brought her a burnt out candle though, she’d told me I’d made her very happy. So, form of habit I guess, whenever one of these storms break out I bring here those candles and bury them underground so no amount of water can wash them away. Still makes her happy” Phil kept rambling while pulling his feet out of the mud, and stepping on the solid ground in front of the motel.

“You do realize this sounds extremely-” Dan started to say but was interrupted by Phil smugly responding

“You still believe it though” and creaking the motel doors open before a very angry looking Alec rushed towards him.

“Phillip, what on earth has taken you so long? I was worried sick about your safety, you damn foolish child” she fumed.

“You should better get changed, I’ve got some explaining to do” Phil turned to Dan and chuckled at Alec’s infuriated expression.

Dan’s head was spinning too fast as he climbed up the stairs he thought he would vomit any moment. He hadn’t stopped shivering from the very moment he stepped outside, following Phil’s tracks, but now his major issue wasn’t his sheer cold core but instead the load of information that had been dumped on his sleep deprived ass in the span of merely a quarter. What if he was actually insane? Dan couldn’t help but think to himself, stomach churning at the possibility of that. He hadn’t abandoned his logic or common sense so much as to be fully convinced by Phil, who so effortlessly lied to him about everything apart from his first name. Was Phil too good of a liar? He was unfairly breathtaking and brought him sweet music sounds but he was deceiving too. That was rock solid proven. He kept circling around the same question that he so desperately wanted to avoid. Could he trust Phil? Logic pointed towards no.

When Phil walked in, the relief apparent in his features quickly dripped away upon encountering Dan’s frown.

“What?” he asked trying to conceal his concern with a breathy laugh.

“I’ll have to get going early” Dan spat and got to picking his discarded clothes from several corners of the room.

“Dan what are you on about, the road’s not open yet” Phil made sure to remind Dan, who was already scouring around and carelessly stuffing items of clothing in his suitcase.

“I wouldn’t mind leaving early but I can’t. I wouldn’t mind leaving with you either” Phil lowered his head and Dan stiffened at those words but continued his actually non existent task.

“Are you even listening to me?” Phil repeated, the slightest bit of anger seeping through his words.

“I am, I just dunno if you’re lying again or not” Dan spat, still not facing the man across him.

“Is this what this is about? You can’t be serious” Phil threw his arms in the air “You would’ve thought me crazy if I told you things as they were from the start!”

“Not much difference now, is there.” Dan snarled and Phil felt his stomach being torn apart. The retort he had prepared got caught in his throat and he felt his tongue becoming venomous, every sentence he’d ever shared with him turned into shards of hail colliding with his skull. It was at that moment that Alec opened the door wide and chimed

“The road’s been opened again! You can both travel back home tomorrow. Oh Daniel dear, your train tickets have been scheduled too, you won’t be delayed at all” the smile plastered on her lips burned Dan’s retinas and he couldn’t hear defined music box sounds anymore.

“Thank you, Alec. I’ll be clearing out the room too. It’ll be just a moment” Dan said, glancing briefly at Phil for the first time in their conversation and watching the icy layer of his irises crack. Alec’s smile faltered as Dan zipped up his one bag and walked past her on to the lobby. He didn’t really know how he’d avoid Phil for the rest of the day, or how he’d even spend the night in the lobby, for that matter. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. And yet, his long buried pride wouldn’t allow him to turn back, so he faltered down the stairs and settled in one of the chairs there. He expected to hear tables being flipped, shouting, anything but instead all that there was, was silence. He wanted to let his mind rest but the wooden chair he was sitting on didn’t really help his condition. He didn’t pay much attention to the fact that he’d fallen asleep in an instant when squeezed in an armchair with Phil pressed against his head, snoring ever so softly. He couldn’t afford to think anymore.  

The word trust kept circling his mind and cornering his so far decisions, making an echo in his head, paired along with what he’d spat at Phil’s direction that made a bitter taste settle on his tongue.

A couple of hours later, Phil tiptoed down the stairs and was about to exit the building before someone spoke up from behind him, nearly making him jump out of his own skin.

“Do you visit her often? I mean when you’re not here” he heard Dan murmur from the dark behind him. Phil grunted audibly and felt like slamming the door behind him loudly enough for all the people in the damn motel to come rushing downstairs. But he didn’t.

“Why do you even give a shit” he crossed his arms on his chest and tried to drown the string of cruel words he wanted to speak.

“I’d love to visit her too, one day” Phil wondered why his knees felt weak, but he blamed it on the rain, or the fact that he was running around in the forest soaked up, or the fact that he could hear the rustiness in Dan’s voice and in his universe oxygen and chocolate hair could dilute calcium and galactic acid. Dan swore he heard something like fuck being murmured from across the darkness and the door being slowly creaked shut. He momentarily felt his stomach sink to his knees before feeling a pair of lips attacking his own.

Train rides were oddly redeeming, landscapes appearing blurred before melting into a strange canvas of reverse milliseconds and shades of orange. Dan found them even more redeeming when Phil’s head was pressed against the glass window, eyelids fluttered shut and breathing even, while their fingers were entangled. He could always use some company on gloomy days plagued by insomnia.

They did visit her, about a year later, when Dan was able to trace the scar on Phil’s top left hipbone and Phil could pull Dan’s hand when he found him biting at his index finger too hard again. As they walked back, summer breeze sweeping both their hair in various directions, Dan turned his head to gaze at Phil, irises still painted in cosmic brush strokes of glowing hydrogen gas. Phil noticed him staring again and chuckled smirking

     “Dan! We agreed you would cut down on the swearing!” Phil walked into the room but stopped short when he was greeted by the look on Dan’s face. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?” He stepped over the empty cereal bowls from that morning and sank onto the sofa where Dan was now slouched. Phil threw his arm across the back of the sofa, Dan melting into his side.

     Wordlessly Dan handed over a brown envelope already ripped open in haste. Gingerly Phil pulled out the letter, scanned the first line and immediately threw it down onto the coffee table. Sighing heavily, he draped his other arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him even closer. “Another, Phil. Another. No one will ever accept us,” Dan muttered in defeat.

    “They will Dan. I promise you. We just need to keep trying. How about we try applying somewhere else?”

      “I just don’t know how many more rejections I can take,” Dan whispered dejectedly.

“Can you manage just one more try? We’ve worked so hard for this and we both want it so much. You owe it to yourself to try one more time before giving up.” Dan’s usual smirk was replaced with a face full of  unbearable sadness. Phil gave one last ditch attempt, gazing into Dan’s eyes trying to convey his feelings of hope. Finally Dan gave a small but determined nod causing Phil to beam triumphantly and give his partner an extra hard squeeze full of joy. “Phil…….PHIL! I do need to breathe you know” Dan wheezed but now with a small smile on his face.

      “Sorry, sorry,” Phil lamented, releasing his tight hold but still keeping his arms firmly wrapped around him.

      Later on when Phil was cleaning their lounge of their mess he picked up the brown envelope with “PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL” and “LOCAL AUTHORITY ADOPTION” printed in bold, black ink. Phil threw it in the bin with determination, resolute that they would not give up yet.

     “Dan look at this, I’ve found something.” Dan stood up from his desk, walking to the opposite side of the room to Phil’s desk. Realistically they could have had their own offices when they moved into this house but both of them had always prefered the companionable silence and quiet presence of the other even when working.

           Putting one hand on Phil’s shoulder he used the other to push Phil’s glasses up his nose for him while he leaned towards the screen and began to read the words on the screen. Phil smiles up at him in thanks before pointing to the name of the website, a bold title that read “FAMILIES FOR CHILDREN ADOPTION.” Dan moved even closer and read the welcoming statement. “It’s a voluntary organisation and not part of the local authority,” informed Phil. “They specialise in finding homes for children that are hard to place, for example those who are older or are sibling groups.”

“I thought we were only planning on adopting one?” Dan questioned confusedly, a puzzled expression on his face.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Phil explained, “I know you said how difficult the process is for you.” Dan nodded slowly, his grip tightening on Phil’s shoulder. “So I thought it would be best if we only did this once.”

Dan’s face fell immediately, his hand going to his mouth to bite his nails with worry, a habit he was always trying to stop but never succeeded in. “But what if we want more? I know it’s been getting to me recently but I can cope I promise.”

“I know, it’s okay. I know you can manage but I was thinking how would you feel about adopting siblings instead?” Dan didn’t give an answer, just looked frustrated and worn out.

“Come on we’ll talk about it tomorrow. I can see that you’re tired, your eyes are all glassy.” Phil stood slowly his spine cracking into place. He stretched his arms above his head and groaned. “Ooh….ow. I’m getting old.” Dan only gave a small smile with none of his usual teasing.

“I’ll come to bed later. I’m not tired yet,” Dan argued. It only took a disbelieving look from Phil for Dan to give in and follow him upstairs to bed. Phil could always tell when Dan was tired because his sentences became shorter and shorter until all he could do was nod. Dan trailed up the stairs knowing that there was no way he was staying up till 6 am tonight. Phil just smiled smugly.

            “Dan……..Dan……….DAN!” Phil yelled in panic. Dan pounded up the stairs, rushing into the bathroom, nearly slipping on the suspiciously wet tiles.

“Holy shit, Phil what did you do?” Dan asked in disbelief.

“I was just trying to turn the tap on but then it got stuck so I pulled it and now the tap’s come off.” Phil complained with a pathetic expression on his face.

“Oh my god Phil. You turnip,” he sighed while exaggerating, struggling to screw the tap back on, his lips pressed together in concentration, until the water stopped squirting everywhere.

           Dan stepped away from the sink and just gave his husband the look that said really Phil? He brought his hand up to press against his face and shook his head in exasperation. “Thanks,” Phil just smiled sheepishly.

           “Christ Phil we’re wanting to adopt children that we will be completely responsible for and you can’t even turn the tap on without flooding our bathroom!” Phil pouted in response, looking upset but his smile returned when Dan leant forwards, kissing him briefly. Chapped lips met soft ones with a soft suction leaving Dan with a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

         “They’ll just find me more relatable!” The older one smiled.                    “Yeah I’m not sure that’s what the agency are looking for to be honest.” Dan replied with a shake of his head as he wandered back to the lounge to resume his browsing position before Phil so rudely disturbed him.

     “Are you sure you’re ready?” Dan asked, his face only partially reflecting the amount of worry he felt at that moment.

      “As ready as I’ll ever be I suppose,” Phil replied trying to sound confident but failing miserably and squeezing Dan’s hand. Dan squeezed back shuffling an arm in between the sofa and Phil’s back in order to place an arm around his waist for comfort.

       Phil smiled shakily and pressed the the call button with a shaking thumb and bringing the phone up to his ear. There was a few seconds of silence before “Hi my partner and I are thinking about adopting through your agency. Would you be able to give me any information on the process?” Dan could hear the receptionist on the other end of the phone asking for their names. “Daniel and Philip Howell - Lester,” Phil told them. Despite Dan’s nervousness he did smile at that, his dimple showing and his eyes lighting up. It didn’t matter how many times he had heard it in the last 2 years, hearing the confirmation that him and Phil were joined together by law. He was brought back down to earth when Phil broke his reverie with a couple of “hmmm’s,” and the occasional “yes.”  Phil finished with a “thank you very much. Yes, bye.”

           Turning to Dan with a little more certainty than before the call Phil responded to Dan’s anxious face with “The receptionist said the first step is to arrange an initial meeting with the social worker so we can register our interest and then go from there. They said they would phone back tomorrow morning to set a date and time. How does that sound?”

    “Scary as fuck, but alright let’s go for it.” Dan sagged with relief as the tension from the initial phone call dissipated and squished Phil with both arms. Phil hid his face in Dan’s chest hiding his secret smile from him. Phil knew Dan wouldn’t express his gratitude in words but the hug said it all. No words were needed.

     Phil’s phone rang loudly, rudely interrupting their peaceful slumber. His hand fumbled across the bedside table before grabbing the device and sliding his thumb across the screen, managing a croaky “Hello?”

    A woman replied with a cheerful “Good morning Mr Howell-Lester. It’s Ruby from Families for Children Adoption Agency, we spoke on the phone a couple of days ago. I’m phoning to organise the initial meeting we discussed.” Phil sat up abruptly in bed, so startled by the unexpected phone call that he nearly dropped his phone.

    “Yes, yes of course...Please continue,” he said probably a bit too hastily. Dan had been disturbed from his place on Phil’s shoulder as he sat up , his head falling into Phil’s lap (which would have been amusing had the situation not been so worrying). Phil glanced down to see Dan’s concerned gaze and grasped his hand gently, giving it a reassuring squeeze coupled with an encouraging smile. So distracted as he was with trying to make them both feel better that he completely forgot what had them worrying in the first place.

   “Hello? Are you still there?” the receptionist's voice crackled through the phone, breaking Phil from his reverie.

   “Yes of course, sorry,” he apologised quickly. Grabbing his glasses, he tried pushing them on but struggled in his haste and inevitably caught them in his hair. Dan just smiled, taking the glasses from his clumsy partner and pushing them on himself.

    Now Phil could actually see he stretched his arm out, seizing  Dan’s phone from Dan’s bedside table to take notes on. “Mm hmm…..yes….ok…. thank you very much, goodbye,” he hung up, heaving a massive sigh of relief, flopping back onto the bed which left Dan giggling and bouncing up and down on his stomach.

    Dan placed a gentle flurry of soft kisses against Phil’s pale stomach, leaving a final flutter over his belly button. It made Phil squirm and giggle his mouth stretched into a large smile before being partially hidden by his hand. “Noooooo,” Dan wined capturing that hand and holding it hostage  while propping his chin up on Phil’s chest so he could fully appreciate the grin before him.

    Composing himself, Phil begins his recount of his phone call. “Ok, she said that we have an appointment on Friday at 2 o’clock. He referred back to his notes on Dan’s phone. “we won’t need anything apart from a form of personal identification as it’s only the first meeting.”

    “Ok,” Dan said apprehensively “so we only have two days?” Phil nodded asking him with his eyes rather than speech if he was ok, a technique perfected over the years. He was rewarded with a tight squeeze of his hand and a small smile. Yes, he was alright.

    Thursday night, or rather Friday morning saw Dan pacing up and down their living room not wanting to disturb Phil’s sleep. Thoughts continually whirled around his head. What if I mess up the interview? What if I make a joke and the social worker takes it the wrong way? What if I ruin it for Phil? Dan’s self doubt began to grow, worrying that he would jeopardise their chances.

    He didn’t realise until the first time that they were turned down how much he desperately wanted children. He sat down on the very edge of the sofa, chewing his nails as anxiety tied his stomach in knots which only tightened over time. He had told Phil he was going to finish editing a video and then join him in bed. Phil had gone to sleep without him, asking few questions but now Dan was wondering whether it would have been better if he had put up more of a fight. He wanted Phil to get some sleep but at the same time he could definitely do with a Phil hug.

Meanwhile Phil had rolled over in his sleep only to be met with cold, uninviting sheets. Cracking his eyes open slowly, he groaned when he saw Dan wasn’t there. It can’t still be early can it? Phil thought. He checked his phone, squinting at the sudden brightness. The time read a despairingly late 5:03. Time to go on a Dan hunt then. The dark haired man struggled into a standing position and padded down the hallway and down the stairs, already having an idea where he could be.

Dan froze when he heard the stairs creak, worrying he had woken Phil. Snapping into action he stepped into the shadows just in time to see the door opening slowly. Phil appeared from behind the door while whispering “Dan? Dan I know you’re in here.” The younger man stepped reluctantly from his hiding place. He could hear Phil walking towards him and felt himself being wrapped up by two strong arms, one pulling his head to Phil’s shoulder so his hair could be stroked gently. Dan’s hands clutched onto the back Phil’s soft shirt, trying to ground himself.

“What’s wrong love? Why are you down here all by yourself? I thought you were finishing a bit of editing and then coming to bed?” Phil asked.

“What’s this? 20 questions?” Dan tried to joke but failed when his voice cracked halfway through.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed sadly, leading Dan to the sofa and sitting him down carefully, letting him curl into his side. “Tell me what’s wrong sweetheart,” Phil whispered into the younger one’s hair, kissing his temple.

“I don’t want to be a nuisance or put a damper on things. Not when I know how excited you are about tomorrow,” Dan’s voice wobbled.

“After all these years do you really think I wouldn’t want to help you now?” Dan didn’t answer only returned to taking fistfuls of Phil’s shirt.

    Phil realised it was going to be one of those times where he was going to need to wait until Dan was ready to speak before finding out what the problem was. His partner had a habit of bottling things up until he burst with the number of conflicting emotions he was feeling. It never ended well.

   “Come on then, let’s go back to bed,” Phil coaxed, guiding them both up the stairs. Once back under the duvet, Phil could only watch as Dan pulled up Phil’s shirt, wiggling upwards until his head was on his chest. The older man pulled pulled his shirt over Dan’s head and shoulders, cocooning him in safety and warmth. Despite his sadness, Dan managed a small smile at how caring Phil could be.  

    Hiding under Phil’s shirts had been a habit of Dan’s since his uni days. When he got overwhelmed and everything got too much it was something that he always found comfort in. However it had lessened over the years as Dan became happier and his breakdowns became few and far between. Phil had loved it from day one, it made him feel wanted but he was sad about the conditions it occurred under.

    Feeling Dan’s breaths become quicker against his chest, he rolled onto his side. holding Dan close and rocking him gently. Only when he heard Dan let out a small, stifled sob and felt a hot tear hit his chest did he begin to speak. “Please Bear, tell me what’s wrong,” Phil cradled his partner’s head closer to his body.

   Dan held Phil tighter and began to reply but he’d buried his face so far into Phil’s chest that all that came out was “mmm mm nurgh.” not helped by the fact that there were now tears running down his cheeks. He took a deep breath in before letting it out slowly. “I’m worried i’ll ruin the meeting and mess up our chances tomorrow. I just want  this so and - and- an.”

     “Shh it’s fine….. you’re ok Bear……. you’re alright,” Phil stroked Dan’s head over the fabric of his shirt. Now he knew what was bothering Dan he was better off just trying to calm him down before trying to reassure him about the meeting. Dan’s breathing was gradually starting to slow with the caresses to his head, only broken by the odd hiccup.

     Feeling  a soft kiss on his bare chest, Phil knew Dan was ready to talk. “You’re going to be wonderful Dan. You’re confident and so much better at putting into words how you feel than me. We’ll do it together, like we always do. In response to Dan’s breathing returning to normal, Phil lifted the neck of his t-shirt, looking down to meet Dan’s eyes still glistening with residual tears and bloodshot with tiredness. However his warm, brown irises were unchanged and as beautiful as always.

     “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now sweetheart?  You really do need some rest,” the older man whispered. Dan just nodded before starting to squirm out from underneath the shirt that was cocooning him. He took his place under Phil’s chin, letting himself drift off to the soothing circles Phil was rubbing into his back.

      “Dan…. DAN!” Phil called, shaking his partner, trying to wake him up. All he got in response was a flutter of eyelids and a whine.

“Urgh, it’s too early Phil,” Dan complained, cracking an eyelid open, “Wha’do ya want?”

“Dan….. the meeting,” Phil said frowning. How could he not remember? Dan’s eyes flew open in realisation and he sat up abruptly in panic. “Oh my God,” the younger man automatically started to chew on his nails, a sign of apprehension. Phil took the hand and squeezed it while saying with determination, “all we have to do is clean the house before the social worker gets here. That’s it. That’s all we need to do.” Dan nodded, looking more confident, swinging his legs out of bed ready to start the mammoth task of cleaning.

     Sitting silently on the sofa, both lost in worried thought were Dan and Phil, waiting for the ominous knock on the door. A sharp rapping on wood rang through the air causing both men to start abruptly, looking at each other in fear. Phil was the first to move, running out of the lounge and down the hall to answer the door and welcome in their impending guest. The sight he was met with was one of a surprising nature.

     When hearing the words “social worker” Phil thought of a person wearing smart clothing and an intimidating expression. However he had to conceal the astonishment inevitably showing on his face when he met their social worker for the first time. Before him stood a woman with blue and purple hair which fell down to her waist. She wore a long, blue dress that swirled behind in the wind.Numerous bangles and bracelets, which covered nearly half way up, jangled jauntily when she gave Phil (as well as Dan who had finally joined Phil at the door) a friendly wave. Suddenly realising that he had been staring at the woman for a length of time probably too long to be considered socially acceptable, Phil invited her in quickly.

     “Hi I’m Phil, I spoke to the receptionist on the phone. This is my husband Dan.”’

“Greetings, my name’s Wendy,” the smile she gave them was kind but the vague look in her eye made her seem far away.As per usual when anyone visited the house, Phil was the one to offer tea, coffee and snacks and Wendy accepted a herbal tea gratefully.

     Once settled in the lounge a nervous silence fell across the room. By habit Dan had began to tap his foot up and down, shortly followed by his fingers thrumming on his leg,all displays of the agitation he was feeling. He picked up his mug of coffee in order to give his hands something to do while looking over to Phil to see how he was coping. Ever - composed, Phil kept his worries buried deep and so was the first to break the awkward tension that had descended on them.

     “Sooo…… What’s the first thing we need to do?” Wendy didn’t respond, only reaching into her oversized, brightly patterned bag and pulling out a thick folder. Wordlessly she pulled out a form from the folder and handed over to Phil.

“Fill this out please,” she requested, passing a pen to Phil. Slightly bewildered the two partners filled out the piece of paper together writing down their full names, dates of birth, their professions, yearly salary, initial reasons for wanting to adopt etc. Dan particularly found this question strange. They wanted to adopt because they wanted children. Wasn’t that part obvious? he thought. Shrugging it off they continued till all the boxes were full, taking it in turns and conferring between the two of them.

     They passed the sheet back and received one of Wendy’s friendly grins in return. “Thank you both,” she said “we’ll be in touch.” Both men looked at each other, startled.

“Is that it?” they said in unison, both too shocked to find it funny. Wendy simply nodded, thanked them again and left in a waft of sweet - smelling perfume and jangling bangles.

Closing the door Phil said “Well…… That was that then.”

              A week later and Dan and Phil had sent off their medical and criminal records, copies of their passports, CIB checks and references written by Bryony, their manager and one of their producers from Radio 1. In response they had received a letter confirming that they could continue to the next stage and were invited to attend a preparation group with other prospective adopters.

             Two weeks after receiving that letter, Phil was waiting by the door, his leg jumping down subtly, listening to Dan’s heavy footsteps run around upstairs. “Dan the taxi has been waiting for 10 minutes. We’re meant to have left by now. If we hit traffic we will be late.” Phil yelled up the stairs. “Yeah alright I’m just coming. Two more minutes.” Phil sighed. He had walked into the living room expecting to see Dan ready to go but was met with Dan playing video games in his pyjamas. 15 minutes later and here they were. Phil smiled as Dan came crashing down the stairs, opening the door for him as he hurtled through and jumping into the still waiting taxi.

            Walking into the Families for Children Adoption building, Phil was clutching Dan’s hand so tightly his knuckles were turning white. The younger man smiled down at him reassuringly, giving his hand a squeeze in return. They followed a sign pointing down a hallway that stated “ADOPTION PREPARATION GROUP DOWN THE HALL IN THE FIRST ROOM ON THE LEFT.” Walking into that room was one of the scariest things either of them had ever done. Scarier than interviewing celebrities on red carpets, even scarier than presenting the Teen Awards in front of 10,000 screaming people.

              Staring back at them was a room full of about 15 people, men,women and even a few children playing in the corner. The social worker that came to visit the boys was sat as part of the circle of chairs that held other prospective parents. Seeing two seats free on the other side of the room, Dan led the two of them to sit down. Next to them sat two men who smiled at them as they sat down. The one with blonde hair opened his mouth, presumably to introduce themselves but promptly shut it when the room fell silent and Wendy began to speak.

            “Thank you all for coming. We’re going to start with a couple of get-to-know you games. To begin we’re going to pass the toy hippo round the circle and say our names and a fun fact about ourselves.” Oh God thought Dan. I hate fun facts, I never have anything interesting to say.

              Phil received the hippo first. “Hi I’m Phil and my favourite food is popcorn.” It made Dan smile that Phil could have used any of his accomplishments, the book; working for the BBC or even one of his degrees but no he chooses food. Phil passed him the hippo, causing Dan to realise he had spent probably a bit too long staring at Phil. Still, what’s new? “Hi I’m Dan and grew up near the woods which inspired J.R.R. Tolkien to write one of his books.” He surprised even himself, by that fact, having just said the first thing that came into his head. Phil gave him a slightly questioning glance but the hippo carried on without disruption.

            The two men sat next to them introduced themselves as Ben and Charlie, Ben being the blonde man who had tried to speak earlier. It turned out they were both doctors who ran their own practice in London. They seemed friendly and Phil was relieved that they might be able to befriend them, making the whole class experience more comfortable.

             The next thing Wendy made them do was form a trust circle. She had everyone join hands and close their eyes and repeat the words she spoke. “This is our trust circle and we are safe. Anything said does not leave this room.” the group chanted. Cracking an eye open, Dan could see a couple of people rolling their eyes but Phil was studiously saying it along with a rest of them. Finding Dan with his eyes already open when they finished, Phil gave him a disapproving look, making Dan smile sheepishly.

             The rest of the class was spent discussing the process of adoption, mainly the length of it and how it is not always successful. The main aim was to make sure everyone was committed and prepared, knowing what they were signing themselves up for. There were points up for discussion and any worries were expressed and solutions found by Wendy. Phil managed to get through the whole class without saying any innuendoes which was a triumph in itself and overall the class wasn’t as bad as they thought it might be.

   As the session finished, Wendy offered everyone a cup of tea, which Dan and Phil agreed to, beginning to talk to Ben and Charlie as she set about making it. “So what do you guys do?” Charlie asked. His hair was a fiery red which contrasted with a pair of startling blue eyes. Not as pretty as Phil’s though Dan thought. Phil was the first to answer for the two of them, often as it was when they met new people. “We’re both youtubers but we also work for the BBC occasionally. We do some presenting for them now and again.”

  “Wow I feel quite star-struck!” Ben joked making the other laugh. Ben spoke with an Irish twang that matched his bubbly personality. Youtube was no longer something only a select group of people knew about and enjoyed. It was well on it’s way to becoming as popular as television. Mainstream media still made mistakes when portraying youtubers but still, they tried.

 “How long have you been thinking of adoption for?” Phil asked continuing the conversation.

“Well we tried a couple of different agencies but we’ve been turned down quite a few times. We’re hoping this one will be the one.” Ben’s jolly demeanour had saddened slightly, causing Charlie to give his shoulder a tight squeeze, putting the smile back on his face. We have had the same problem,” Dan consoled, “this has been our dream for a couple of years.”

   The group of four fell into silent thought only to be quickly interrupted by Wendy floating through the middle of their group with cups of tea and gingerbread men. “We should exchange numbers and meet up some time, it would be good to have friends who are going through the same thing.” Charlie said.

“Oh please yes, that would be great.” Ben implored, reminding Phil of a bouncing puppy.

   “Yes of course. You guys can come to ours for dinner if you like?” Phil replied, laughing when Ben actually started bouncing up and down. “He’s more excitable than you are Phil,” Dan chuckled, making both Phil and Ben pout, Charlie just laughed along in agreement. “You’ve got that right.” Finishing their tea and gingerbread which had supposedly sweet but actually slightly demonic faces iced onto them (Phil ate the head quickly, feeling immensely guilty) the boys parted ways with the agreement of seeing each other soon. Wendy was nowhere to be found and so they just left, feeling slightly creeped out at how easily she could turn up or disappear.

  Two months and four meetings with Ben and Charlie later, Dan and Phil had received a home study which confirmed that they were able to move onto the next stage. Wendy had floated through the house, making notes on her tablet about each room with the two of them trailing after her and Dan trying to read what she had written over her head. He knew there was a reason why he was so tall. The social worker had kept a stoic yet friendly face the whole way through giving nothing away. They had discussed with her their preference for multiple siblings, which she seemed surprised yet over the moon about as usually people only wanted to adopt one child at a time.

   The letter holding their approval arrived bright and early the next day. Initially they were both annoyed to be woken up by the doorbell but ecstatic when they opened the envelope. After phoning both their families (in which Phil’s mum cheered for five minutes straight before declaring she was coming to visit as she came back from Florida) they phoned Ben and Charlie who screamed down the phone and declared that they had been approved to. Consequently the two men came over to theirs to celebrate. They ordered pizza and whiled away the whole evening playing the new Mario Kart. They found that Charlie could really give Dan a run for his money which Phil found hilarious, Ben cheering his partner on and Phil rolling around in hysterics. Dan was a sore loser and had lost one to many games to Charlie, retreating to the corner of the sofa where he proceeded to sulk. Once Phil had managed to compose himself he tried to throw his arms around Dan and give him a snuggle. “Aww is Danny sad that he lost?” he snickered. Dan just hit him in the chest and turned his back on Phil, hiding his face in the sofa. Undeterred, the older man continued to squish and coddle Dan until he could see his smile return. Hyped up and slightly tipsy Phil did a victory lap around the room with Ben hot on his heels. Charlie sat in the middle of the room, shaking his head at the supposedly responsible adults that surrounded him.

   Entering the agency building, the two men found themselves at the reception desk once again. “Hi. Dan and Phil Howell-Lester. We have an appointment at 12:30,” Phil said to the man behind the desk.

“Yes of course. One second, just let me check,” his finger’s tapping away on the touch screen in front of him. “Ah yes here we are. Your social worker will be here momentarily, if you would like to take a seat,” he gestured to the seats in a waiting area.

“Thank you very much,” Dan smiled, tugging Phil by the hand to sit down.

    10 minutes later, in which time Dan had replied to a pressing email about the nicer internet radio show (it had been such a success the first year that it had become an annual thing) and Phil had been playing an app that was his most recent obsession. “Dan and Phil Howell-Lester?” the receptionist from before called out. The two men rose from their seats and met Wendy by the desk. They followed her down two long corridors and into a small meeting room. Phil only just managed to avoid tripping over Wendy’s skirt that billowed out behind her. He had to grab Dan’s shoulder to steady himself, breathing a sigh of relief at his close shave.

    Oblivious to what had gone on her behind her, Wendy swung open the door revealing another woman who was the complete opposite of Wendy, dressed in a crisp, sharp suit. Her friendly, open nature was similar though as she rose to shake both of their hands as they entered, introducing herself as Sarah. They all sat down, Sarah putting a thin binder on the table, opening it and pushing it towards Dan and Phil.

     “We have three siblings who have been in foster care together for the past year after their parents died in a car crash. Both sets of grandparents were dead at the time of the accident and neither parent had any siblings or extended family to take the children in,” Sarah informed them.

Wendy took over “there’s two boys age five and three and a girl aged one.” The two men smiled at each other excitedly, squeezing their clasped hands under the table tightly.

    “Sarah is their social worker. The two of us think these children would be a good match for you. This is their folder with all their information. Unfortunately we can’t let you take this away with you but you can take as long as you need to read over it. Then, afterwards, if you would like to, we can set up an initial meeting at the foster carer’s house.”

   Dan’s hand darted out to pull the folder closer towards them, both beginning to pore over every detail. The information included the basics like date of birth right up until specific details such as their likes and dislikes. “Hey! The oldest one hates cheese! I love him already,” Phil exclaimed. Dan laughed his hyena laugh leaving both social workers looking completely bewildered.

“Phil is cheese-phobic,” Dan explained to the two confused women who nodded in understanding but still gave Phil a strange look. Trying to act professional both boys managed to calm down and continue reading, well aware they were currently being scrutinised.

   The oldest child was born in London but the family had moved down to Devon soon after where the other two were born. Finding a foster carer able to take on all three siblings at a moments notice was no easy feat and so the children ended up living back in London. “The foster parents have two children of their own by they both moved out a couple of years ago and so they now take in foster children. The siblings have been with them for six months, ever since the accident.” Sarah informed them. “If you would like us to arrange a meeting we’ll get you to sign a confidentiality form and then we can show you their pictures and tell you their names. we’ll give you a couple of minutes to discuss it.” Wendy and Sarah standing up and starting to leave the room. However one look between Dan and Phil and they both knew that they agreed. A lot of the time they found they knew what the other was thinking without having to speak. Their friends found their mind-meld quite scary to be honest. “It’s ok we’ve already decided. We’d love to meet them,” Phil called. Both women looked delighted but slightly confused at the same time. Clearly they found the mind reading thing quite creepy too.

   They both signed the form hastily, practically bouncing around on their seats with excitement. Bringing out another binder from her bag, Sarah opened it and pushed a photo across the table. “This is Hayden the oldest, it was taken a couple of weeks ago at his fifth birthday party.” Sarah spoke gently, clearly seeing the awe that passed across the faces of the prospective parents. The photo showed a little boy sat at the table holding a massive piece of cake that dwarfed his tiny hands. A pair of blue eyes, sparkling with glee, were staring up into the camera, nearly obscured by a mop of brown curls atop his head. His wide grin showed that his two front teeth were missing and icing was all round his mouth. In short, he was adorable.

   “Oh my god he’s so cute! He’s got the same hair as you Dan,” Phil’s voice had gone high pitched with joy and his smile had stretched so far that his tongue poked out to the side. Dan returned the grin, his dimple as prominent as ever. Moving the photo to the side, Wendy slid across another photo. “This is Lucas. His photo was taken on the same day,” Wendy said. Lucas was startlingly similar to his brother, the only difference being that his eyes were a soft grey instead of blue. He was sat on a swing, presumably in the back garden, beaming at the camera with a toy tiger sat on his lap. His little legs were mid swing, showing off the two big blue plasters on each knee. “As you can see he enjoys running around and having fun outside.” Wendy smiles at the photo fondly.

“Aw just like you Phil. You can run around together,” Dan smirks. Phil splutters at Dan’s remark, coughing loudly with Dan laughing at him unhelpfully as usual. “Are you quite alright?” Sarah asked raising an eyebrow skeptically.

“Ahem,” Phil cleared his throat, “yes thank you.” His cheeks were tinged with a red blush as he kicked Dan’s shin forcefully, making him wince with pain before trying to cover it up.

   “Right, well then. This is Maria, the youngest. Unlike the other two her photo was taken only a couple of days ago.” Phil took the picture from Sarah while giving Dan a subtle but meaningful stare that said this is serious now act professionally and stop cracking jokes. Dan had enough sense to look apologetic but had to suppress thoughts about how good Phil looked when he was angry that weren’t exactly appropriate for the situation he was in. Sarah was oblivious to the whole thing while Wendy smiled at Dan knowingly, raising her eyebrow when he blushed slightly.

   Turning his attention back to the photo Dan could see a smiley, chubby baby sat on a rug surrounded by a myriad of toys. She was chewing on her fist and waving the other one at the camera. She had a couple of blonde curls that would no doubt turn darker as she got older but unlike her brothers her eyes were a deep warm brown. Phil cooed at the photo and how sweet she was while Dan tried to stay stoic, only to fail miserably and succumb to the cuteness of the child, joining in with Phil’s noises.

    When Sarah tried to take the photo back from Phil she made a surprised sound when he subconsciously held onto it instead of letting it go. Realising what he was doing he passed it back with an apology. Wendy, however didn’t bat an eyelid, she had seen it all before. “Are you available this weekend on Saturday to meet them at the foster carer’s house? Hayden has school during the week so this way you can spend the whole day with them.” Sarah asked.

    “We have a meeting in the morning with our management but we can easily reschedule. This is much more important,” Phil said quietly as an afterthought.

“Great. Well thank you for coming. We’ll see you both on Saturday.” They all rose from their chairs and shook hands, the two men leaving the room, rather less nervous but twice as excited as when they walked in. Power walking out of the building, getting a fair number of strange looks along the way, holding in their joy until they managed to leave the edifice. Their smiles could not be concealed however, and their beaming faces lit up the whole hallway. They all but ran through the doors (yes ran, that’s how ecstatic Dan was). Once they passed through onto the pavement, Phil only tripping over his shoe lace twice, they threw their arms around each other, squeezing the other tightly. Breaking apart with smiles permanently fixed on their faces they joined hands, Dan using the other to hail a taxi. The ride home was silent, both lost in their own thought, their hands still clasped, laying on the seat between them.

   Wendy sent a letter with the address of the foster parent’s house which Dan told the taxi driver as they settled into their seats. Both were relieved that the journey took only 30 minutes, not sure that they’re nerves could take the strain any longer. “It’ll be fine Phil I promise,” Dan comforted, pressing his thumb across  Phil’s forehead, smoothing out his frown line. The older man opened his mouth to protest but Dan butted in before he could speak. “They will love you Phil. Really they will. I know you’re worried they won’t take to you but how can someone not love you? Anyone would be lucky to have you as a parent.” That bit made Phil smile because it was true.

  They never officially announced the fact that they were together on any platform on the internet. As the years went on they just became more and more comfortable to act closer on camera until it got to the point where they were happy to kiss on camera occasionally. Their viewers went along with the whole thing with few questions asked, most just happy they had finally got their wish. They may have lost some subscribers due to their relationship but it was such a small amount that it was barely noticeable. A picture was posted of them kissing on their wedding day surrounded by their friends and family completely out of the blue. The whole proposal and wedding was a surprise that they just dropped on their viewers in true Dan and Phil fashion. They were spotted by a couple of people while on their honeymoon in Japan and so instead of sending interrogating  messages to the two newly weds people turned their attention to phanfic that had an influx of fics. All had a similar plotline that totally ignored the fact that they were probably sightseeing and focused completely on how the two men never left the bedroom.

   When they announced in a live show that they were adopting the most common responses were “my sons are going TO BE DADS I’M CRYING” and “pleaSE ADOPT ME.” Overall the reception of their whole relationship had been amazing and they found they could leave it up to their more aware viewers to have any negative or harassing comments taken down. Without any official declaration they found the best way to to be open while drawing a firm line that few even attempted to cross.

  Climbing out of the taxi, the partners walked through the gate, the gravel path crunched underfoot. Dan lifted a shaking fist to knock on the door, the noise almost drowned out by the bark of a dog. “Now Phil remember we’re here for the children and not for the dog,” Dan joked, laughing at his own joke as Phil stuck his bottom lip out and swatted him. Although underneath he was pleased Dan had made the joke, his nerves had diffused considerably.

  The door opened, revealing both Sarah and Wendy on the other side as well as a woman they had never seen before. Before either social worker could speak the other woman introduced herself. “You must be Dan and Phil. I’m Alice the children’s foster mother, come on in.” She shook both their hands, making way for them to come through the doorway. A small beagle ran up to them, attacking Phil’s shoe laces with his baby teeth. Gasping with delight Phil picked the puppy up, giving him a cuddle as his face was licked in welcome. Dan stared adoringly at his husband, the look that famously dubbed him “heart eyes howell” a title he was fully aware of. A bright flash disturbed the scene startling the whole group. Five heads turned to the doorway to what presumably was the lounge, where a small boy stood with a camera in his hands.

  “Hayden! This is Dan and Phil who I was talking about earlier. They’ve come to play for the day. Shall we introduce them to Lucas and Maria?” their foster mother spoke to the child. Turning to the two men she said “Hayden got the camera for his birthday a couple weeks ago; he loves taking photos. His favourite thing to photograph is Billy here,” she scratched the small dog behind his ear. Meanwhile Hayden had sidled up to Dan gingerly and taken hold of two of his fingers, his own hand too small to fit round Dan’s giant paw properly.

  Looking down, Dan saw the same pair of blue eyes as in the photo, covered by an unruly head of curls. He could feel his heart melting at the sight, wanting to pick the boy up and hug him but having to restrain himself. He settled for ruffling his hair with his free hand and smiling at him. “Shall we go and play?” Dan asked, receiving a nod and a tug on his fingers in response.  The whole group made their way into the living room with the two social workers sitting on one of the sofa’s, observing from afar leaving Alice to introduce the two children sat on the floor, Billy running off to god knows where. Sat on the floor were both Lucas and Maria, Lucas playing with some brightly coloured building blocks and Maria chewing them enthusiastically.

  “Hello Lucas I’m Dan. Can I play with you?” Dan asked in a high pitched voice humans reserved for animals and small children. Lucas just nodded shyly handing Dan a block to add to his tower. Meanwhile Alice had picked up Maria, removed the block from her slobbery hands and passed her to Phil to hol. Hayden had joined in with Dan and Lucas, building the tower as high as possible. Phil perched on the end of the nearest sofa, holding Maria under her armpits, bouncing her up and down making her squeal with laughter. She let out a repetition of “ah ah ah” every time her feet hit Phil’s knees, enjoying jumping around.

  After about half an hour they switched over, Phil sitting on the floor with the boys doing a jigsaw while Dan gave Maria a cuddle. Phil’s games had worn her out bringing her to yawn widely and settle her head in the crook of Dan’s neck. He bounced her very gently tapping her back with the palm of his hand. One of her little fists kept a tight hold on Dan’s jumper but it loosened as she fell into slumber. Alice spoke up for the first time in an hour from her place on the other side of the room. “Would you like me to take her? I can lay her down upstairs,” she whispered, conscious of the sleeping baby. Dan shook his head. “It’s ok I like holding her.” He smiled down at her fondly, smoothing his hand over her curls.

  Eventually Dan’s arms began to ache so he reluctantly handed her over to Alice who took her upstairs. Both men helped the two boys into their coats and boots; it was cold, especially for September. Leading the two boys into the back garden by the hand, the entourage of social workers followed them. They both felt slightly unnerved by it, feeling as if they were being judged but they understood why it was necessary.

  “You’re really tall. Are you a giant?” Hayden asked curiously.

“No sweetheart I’m not I’m afraid but I agree I am very tall. Do you want to ride on my shoulders?” Phil laughed at the odd question.

“ YES,” Hayden bounced on his toes, reaching his arms up. Phil squatted down, lifting the boy onto his shoulders, making sure he had hold of him securely. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Hayden squealed with delight, “go horsey go.” He kicked his heels against Phil’s chest trying to get him to run. Holding onto both the boy’s hands and legs, Phil began to run, doing a lap around the garden as Hayden continued to laugh with glee. Becoming out of breath far too quickly, Phil lifted his rider down onto the swing, happy to push him even harder when Hayden yelled “HIGHER PHIL HIGHER.”

   Across the garden Dan was building sandcastles with Lucas in the sandbox, not caring that it was getting all over his clothes and into his shoes. Lucas had been quiet all day, showing eagerness to playing with the two “giants” but not saying an awful lot. However, now, he spoke up. “Play again? Play tomorrow?” he asked innocently, his head to the side.

“We’ll come back to play soon I promise,” Dan said, a little sad that they couldn’t come back the next day.  

   “Shall we create a moat around our castle?” Dan asked, trying to not to be distracted by the fact that Sarah was whispering into Phil’s ear. He was curious as to what they were talking about but didn’t want Lucas to think anything was wrong. The small child had picked up a small spade and began to carve into the sand as Sarah left Phil and come over to Dan. As she had with his partner she whispered into Dan’s ear, “we’re all going to leave now and Alice is going to take them inside for dinner to distract them so they don’t get too upset.” Nodding, Dan led Lucas over to Alice as Phil did the same thing with Hayden. The whole group trooped inside with the two men and social workers going to the door.

    “Right well we’ll see you next week. Thanks for coming guys it was nice to meet you,” Alice smiles giving each man a hug. Running forward, Hayden was keen to join in on the hugs, grabbing Phil’s leg tightly and hanging on for dear life. He gazed up at Phil imploring him not to go. “It’s okay we’ll be back next weekend. Maybe we can go somewhere fun like the swimming pool. Would you enjoy that?” Phil attempted to sound cheerful, not wanting the children to be unhappy or think they were never coming back.

   Alice picked Hayden up saying “come on sweetheart let’s go and have dinner. You’ll see your new friends soon.” Lucas, who had been standing quietly and thoughtfully to the side, suddenly spoke up just as the two men were making their way out of the door. “Bye bye giant,” he whispered to himself waving cautiously. Dan’s heart broke at the nickname and the lispy voice it was given in. Against the right procedure he knew he should be following, he rushed forward, bent down and gave Lucas a hug, squeezing the small body that had caused him so much joy. Not wanting to leave anyone out he ruffled Hayden’s hair who giggled and ducked. Grabbing Phil’s hand, who gave both boys a final wave, Dan walked down the driveway and into the awaiting taxi, booked before they left.

       A week later, the day before they were meant to take the children out Phil came down with a bad cold that in itself had bought on a migraine. Upon ringing Wendy they had been told that due to Phil’s illness they would be unable to go. They didn’t the children to catch Phil’s cold and there would be no point in Dan going on his own as the whole point was that they both got to know them together. It was a valid reason and they would be able to take them out the next weekend instead. However Phil had taken it particularly badly, upset that he was the cause.

      Phil lay miserably in bed, the curtains drawn and all lights turned off, trying to ease his headache. Dan lay next to him rubbing his back attempting to console his husband. “It’s not your fault sweetheart. I don’t blame you; I just want you to get better as quickly as possible. That’s the most important thing,” Dan whispered, conscious of the ache in his partner’s head and the pain of noise. Phil smiled weakly, grateful for the reassurance but not feeling like talking. He felt like crap to be honest; he just wanted to sleep it off. Seeing his eyes droop Dan, snuggled closer, pulling Phil’s body further towards him with his spare arm, using both hands to rub his shoulder blades comfortingly until he dropped off to sleep. As Phil’s gentle snores filled the room, Dan crept out leaving him to get some much needed rest.

      They got a phone call the next day from Charlie who was yelling excitedly down the phone about a 2 year old girl named Maggie who they had just met for the first time today. “She’s just so cute! She really liked both of us and we played for ages and she showed us all her toys and we gave her her lunch and she…” Charlie rushed on till he was interrupted by Phil.

“Woah, woah, woah slow down! I’m glad it went so well though; you two deserve it”

“Thank you. I’m just so happy it’s finally going well. How was your outing?” Charlie asked, interested in how it went. However Charlie’s well meant question only made Phil feel worse instead of better. He still blamed himself about the rescheduling of the meeting with the children due to his illness. Dan walked into the room at that moment, intending to just grab his phone charger but stopped when he realised that Phil was on the phone and looking quite crestfallen. Walking over he reached out, squeezing Phil’s upper arm which was returned with a sad half smile.

    Finishing the call Phil said goodbye to Charlie telling him to say hello to Ben for him and put his phone down on the coffee table. Sitting down on the sofa, Dan pulled Phil into his lap and gave  him a squeeze.  Phil was happy to curl into a ball and rest his on Dan’s shoulder, sitting sideways. The younger man already had an inkling about what Phil was upset about and so decided it was better to just cuddle him until he felt better. Phil sighed heavily, closing his eyes and simply enjoying Dan’s presence, hugging him back.

    The two of them sat for so long that Dan’s legs went numb. “Ready for some dinner?” Dan whispered into Phil’s hair, beginning to stand up. Phil nodded, standing up and stretching his arms above his head causing his t shirt to ride up, revealing his pale stomach. Dan, who couldn’t resist the temptation, tickled Phil’s tummy who abruptly brought his hands to shield himself and scooting away from Dan’s threatening fingers, giggling as he went. Dan laughed along too, making his way out of the lounge to the kitchen. He was stopped momentarily by Phil grabbing his hand. He turned around, only to be greeted by a grateful smile. “Thank you for making me feel better,” Phil said sincerely. Dan nodded, happy to help whenever, it made him feel needed and loved and making Phil smile was what he wanted more than anything. The two made their way down the hallway, holding hands tightly.

     The weekend finally arrived, with Dan not even trying to hide his excitement anymore. “I can’t remember the last time I went swimming to be honest. I’m looking forward to going again.” Phil said in the taxi on the way there.

“Mmm no neither can I. It’ll be fun to go again. We can play with all the toys now we have an excuse,” Dan joked.

     They arrived soon after, both jumping out of the taxi and asking the driver to wait. When Phil knocked on the door it swung open immediately revealing a beaming Hayden who whooped at the sight of his new friends and bounded forward to hug Dan’s leg. Lucas was more reserved but still smiled happily, waving his giraffe at them before holding his arms up, asking to be picked up. Phil readily accepted, lifting Lucas onto his hip and poking his nose with a “boop!” making him laugh.

     Alice was waiting on the doorstep with Maria in her arms who was also looking pleased at their arrival. “This bag has got all their towels and toiletries in. The boys have got their swimming trunks on under their clothes and Maria’s swim nappy and swimming costume is in the bag too. I hope you have a fun time guys. Enjoy yourselves and don’t cause Dan and Phil too much trouble!” she laughed, waving as they all got into the taxi.

     Once they arrived, Phil took the children inside the leisure centre leaving Dan to pay the taxi driver, apologise for Phil and Hayden’s loud singing and follow them into the building.

     They managed to find an empty family changing room, both men smiling at the name and symbol on the door, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time they would use one of these. Unpacking the bag, trying to find Maria’s nappy and costume amongst the baby paraphernalia, Dan said to the boys “right whoever is the first to get changed wins. Go!” Phil handed Maria to Dan and began to struggle with undoing his belt, finally pulling it free and bouncing around the cubicle on one foot, attempting to pull off the first leg of his jeans. “Phil!” Dan exclaimed, “what are you doing? I meant the boys not you!” The children giggled, pointing and laughing at Phil.

“Oh,” Phil whined, “I wanted to join in.” Dan just shook his head exasperatedly, laying Maria down on the changing table. “Ummmm Phil? Any idea how to change a nappy?” he asked worriedly.

“How hard can it be?” Phil wondered aloud.

    10 minutes later and Maria’s swim nappy was finally on and less likely to fall off than any of the other previous attempts. Luckily her nappy had been relatively dry and taking it off wasn’t too much of a problem but trying to squeeze her kicking legs through the holes in the waterproof pull up was nearly impossible. She laughed at them throughout as if to mock their incompetence. Once they had finally succeeded and put her swimming costume on top the two boys were  sat on the bench whining. “Come oooooon let’s goooo,” Hayden whinged, Lucas nodding his head along in agreement.

“Alright we’re just coming, hold your horses.” Phil said as they both pulled their jeans and t shirts off quickly.

     Phil picked Maria up from the changing table, bouncing her up and down in his arms, walking towards the swimming pool while Dan held the hands of the boys, leading them behind Phil. Between the two of them they managed to quickly blow up some arm bands from the box at the poolside, putting them on all of the children. Hayden of course was as enthusiastic as ever and splashed down the steps into the swimming pool, Lucas not far behind. Phil rushed in after them, grabbing a ball on the way so they could play catch. Dan stood nearby, crouching so his chest dipped into the water, holding Maria under her arms and swaying her through the water. “Gah gah gah,” she burbled splashing the water with her tiny fists straight into Dan’s face making him splutter and her laugh even harder.

     Phil was enjoying playing with the ball, the boys kicking their feet furiously under the water, bobbing up and down. “Horse ride….horse” Lucas asked holding his arms up for Phil who lifted him out of the water and onto his back. “Hang on tight,” Phil called as he grabbed Hayden’s hands, dragging him along with him as he galloped around the shallow end of the pool. Dan smiled when he turned around to see their antics. “Shall we go and joined them? Shall we? Come on then,” he cooed to Maria in a high pitched voice.

     The cheerful group played in the water for another hour until Lucas began to shiver and Maria’s fingertips had started to shrivel. “Right come on then everyone out,” Dan called in a sing song voice, racing the two boys to the steps as Phil walked with Maria.

     Considering Dan was the one to finally manage the nappy debacle he was the one delegated the task of changing Maria, who thankfully was tired out and much less restless than before. “Hayden can you dry yourself off please and get yourself dressed?” Phil asked, handing him his pile of clothes that Dan had folded. He then proceeded to stand Lucas on the bench, rubbing his towel up and down his body to warm him up before dressing him. Phil kept an eye on Maria on the changing table while Dan got changed and then they swapped round.

      Maria had fallen asleep in Phil’s arms on the way home and handing her back over to Alice had been even harder than last time. They both crouched down to give the boys proper hugs. Lucas held onto a lock of Phil’s hair, refusing to let go as Hayden did the same thing with Dan’s leg. Wendy had been waiting at the house with Alice in order to find out how the outing had gone. Once they had managed to separate themselves from the children they discussed the day with Wendy in the driveway. Dan explained how it had gone really well, especially with playing games but did tell her about the “nappy incident” as Phil had named it. Wendy just laughed and told them they would soon get the hang of it.

     “How would the two of you feel about having them to stay next weekend for a couple of days? If it’s too soon that’s fine, we can schedule it for a different time or you could just have the two boys the first time if you wanted too,” Wendy enquired.

“Oh no we’d love to have all three of them next weekend. Right Phil?” Dan asked looking over at him, who nodded enthusiastically, trying to get their point across.

“Ok then that sounds great. Alice said she can drop them round at 10 o’clock on Saturday and then pick them up at 4 o’clock on Sunday. How does that sound?”

“Perfect. Thank you very much.” The two men took it in turns to shake her hand before getting back into the taxi to drive home.

      Phil had had multiple phone calls from his mum, constantly asking when she could meet the children that had been Phil’s sole topic of conversation. Unfortunately the agency they were with stated that relatives weren’t allowed to meet the children until they had been officially adopted as part of their protection regulations. However this didn’t deter her from asking constantly; Phil pretending to be annoyed by the incessant questions but was secretly overjoyed that his mum was

so excited for them.

      Alice dropped the children off punctually that weekend with Dan only being dressed with minutes to spare as Phil threw the last of the dirty washing into the washing machine. The sight that greeted them at the door was quite intimidating. The children weren’t; Lucas lisped “hello giants” as Hayden yelled his greeting as well. Maria waved her chubby hand in their direction too. Oh God we really need to explain to him that we’re not giants. We are never going to live that nickname down Phil thought. The threat came from the sheer amount of stuff Alice was carrying. Two backpacks were in her hands, presumably for the boys with an extra two bags for Maria. Both men had forgotten how many things a baby needed.

      “Hi guys,” she greeted them herself. “They have all their things in these bags; pyjamas, toiletries, toys etc. Lucas and Maria go to bed at 7 o’clock but Hayden gets to stay up for another half an hour.” Hayden beamed at this, proud of his  later bedtime. She handed over a piece of paper. “This is my phone number if you need me. You can call anytime, even in the middle of the night. I won’t mind honestly.” She handed over both the luggage and Maria to the men.

“Thank you Alice we’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy your night off!” The five of them waved as she walked down the path to her car.

      “I’ve got some jigsaw’s in the living room. Shall we go and play?” Phil asked Hayden and Lucas, leading them down the corridor to the living room. The two boys were a bit more subdued than they were at their own home, clearly slightly nervous about their new surroundings. Dan took the bags to the two spare rooms upstairs. He bought the playmat from Maria’s bag down to the living room and laying it on the floor. When he put Maria down on the mat she was happy to roll around, sitting herself up and crawling about. She pulled at the tassles on the mat, quite content with her form of entertainment. Dan meanwhile sat down, joining in with the jigsaw but still keeping an eye out for Maria to make sure she was ok.

     The jigsaw was nearly completed when Lucas stood up and walked over to Phil, stretching up on to his tip toes to whisper in Phil’s ear. Phil slouched, down trying to make it easier to hear Lucas. “I need a wee Phil,” the small boy muttered, clutching his giraffe toy with embarrassment.

“Do you want some help pumpkin?” he whispered back as Lucas nodded. “Come on then. We’ll be back in a second,” he directed to Dan who nodded, trying to keep Hayden’s attention on the puzzle to stop him from teasing his brother.

     Taking Lucas’ hand Phil led him down the corridor and into the downstairs toilet. “Shall I wait outside the door? Can you manage on your own?” he asked.

“I’m ok,” the boy said, smiling slightly now that he knew Phil wasn’t going to laugh at him making him feel less bashful. The flush went a couple of minutes later, Lucas emerging from behind the door and smiling now he felt better. Back in the living room Dan and Hayden had moved onto to constructing the highest lego tower they could. Lucas was happy to join in while Phil took Maria upstairs to grab some toys to play with.

      After a lunch of sandwiches that Dan made quickly when they were all complaining of hunger, the two men put a sheet over the table along with a couple of paint pots and some pieces of paper. Phil hung one of their aprons around each of their necks, tying them up at the back. They both looked so cute with their curly hair ruffled over their foreheads and the aprons trailing along the ground that Phil couldn’t help but take a photo thinking this is definitely one for the fridge. Oh God I’m becoming that parent.

      Phil sat the boys down onto chairs, giving them a paintbrush each. “You can paint whatever you like then once they’re dry we can put them on display,” Dan smiled. Maria was stood on his lap while he held her up, with her own paper and paint. She was, however, happily sticking her fingers into the paint and smearing it all over the paper and sheet. She turned around, showing Dan her colourful fingers with glee. “Yeah! Look at you painting like a big girl!” Maria babbled in agreement, poking Dan’s very present dimple on his right cheek, dotting his face with paint. “Hey! What have you done to me?” Dan demanded jokingly, gaining the attention of the boys and Phil who laughed at Dan’s now patterned skin as Maria had started to dot paint all over his face, drawing a line up his nose. As ever Phil had his phone at the ready, snapping a picture of the two of them .

     As promised the boys’ paintings were left out to dry before being propped up in the kitchen for all to see. Hayden had painted an underwater scene, he was especially proud of his giant red fish right in the middle of the page. Lucas had painted a portrait of Phil (ok so it was a blob with a mass of black hair with some stubby arms and no legs but Phil was immensely proud). So proud in fact that the picture brought tears to his eyes, Dan handing him a tissue which he promptly sniffled into. Maria’s painting had of course joined the boy’s ln the counter, a beautiful range of colours with various splodges of black dotted around. Phil gave Dan a disapproving look to which he just smiled impishly in response, knowing Phil actually loved his additions to the painting.

     “I think you’d better wash your face Dan. You managed to get even more paint on you than Hayden and Lucas,”

“Hey! I got viciously attacked,” Dan exclaimed indignantly. Phil and Hayden both crossed their arms and raised their eyebrows, it was actually quite creepy. Admitting defeat Dan handed Maria over to Phil and slouched off to the bathroom to scrub his face clean.

      Dinner went surprisingly well. Dan multitasked feeding himself and Maria who was more interested in throwing the food onto the floor than into her mouth but hey, what can you do? Lucas was beginning to speak more and had more confidence in asking for anything he needed now that he was more familiar with his surroundings. However Phil’s favourite moment of the day had to be bath time. The bath was shallow so Maria could sit in there too. Phil had filled it with probably too many bubbles which all three of them loved. Both men kneeled at the side of the bath, swirling the bubbles around and making the rubber ducks bob up and down.

     Taking a handful of bubbles, Phil spiked Hayden’s curls into a spike causing Lucas to yell for the first time that day “me too, me too!” A giggling Phil moulded his hair too before moving onto Maria and doing her baby hair as well. “Our three spiky babies,” Phil said fondly.

“Oh my God Phil you can’t just say that,” Dan shook his head but couldn’t even be slightly exasperated when looking at the three of them lined up with funny hair do’s and beaming smile.

“Strike a pose,” Dan called, using Phil’s phone to take a photo.

“I look so beautiful,” Hayden said dramatically, seeing his reflection in the phone.

“Yes you do sweetheart,” Phil chuckled.

     When Maria began to yawn heavily they got them all out of the bath and dried them off, getting them into their pyjamas. Hayden followed as his siblings were carried into one of the spare bedrooms where beds were all set up for them. Phil got Lucas into bed, tucking the duvet around his chin and placing a kiss on his forehead. “ Me and Dan are in the room over there if you need us ok? You can come and get us at anytime,” Phil said, pointing in the direction of their room. Lucas nodded giving Phil a hug good night. Dan had placed Maria into a cot that they had hurriedly ordered from Amazon when they found out the children were coming to stay. He kissed her forehead goodnight before both men along with Hayden retreated from the room.

    “How do you feel about some cartoons?” Dan asked Hayden.

“Yeah!” he yelled in a whisper, conscious of his sleeping siblings. They all sat on the sofa with Hayden squished in between them. At half past seven Phil said “time for bed I think Hady.” Hayden pouted at him, glaring with indignation. Phil stared back, refusing to break eye contact.  Little did Hayden know, Phil hardly ever blinked, making him a champion at staring contacts. When Hayden finally blinked he gave up, sighing heavily and standing up, making his way towards the door. “Good boy,” Dan praised. Tucking Hayden into bed in the room next to his siblings. they gave him a kiss and a hug and repeated the same message to him that they had to Lucas. “Night, night sweetheart,” Phil whispered, closing the door.

    Back in the living room the two men sat close together, reflecting on a job well done.

    “Ooof,” Dan groaned as he was jumped on, waking him up from a deep peaceful sleep. He could hear Phil waking up with similar abruptness next to him. On top of them sat Hayden and Lucas, giggling down at them from above. Hayden jumped up and down yelling “time to wake up! Time to wake up!” Giving each other a knowing look Dan and Phil heaved themselves out of bed and down to the kitchen, stopping to collect Maria on the way, Phil giving Lucas a ride on his shoulders.

      They all made cereal for breakfast, once again with the majority of Maria’s ending up scattered across the table again. Dressing the children in coats and wellies they left the house and made their way down to the park. Pushing them all on the swings bought back memories of the first time they met all those weeks ago.

     Although Alice picked them up at four o’clock on the dot, it was too soon for both men as well as the children surprisingly. They hung on to their hands for as long as possible, even walking them down to Alice’s car and strapping all three of them into their seats. “See soon?” Lucas asked, holding onto Dan’s finger. Dan raised his gaze to meet Phil’s sharing a sad look.

“Yes we’ll see you soon. We’ll be playing again before you know it.” They gave each child a final hug before joining hands and waving goodbye as the car pulled out of the driveway.

    Alice glanced back at the children’s reflection in her mirror. All three were fast asleep, exhausted from their weekend of fun. She smiled secretly to herself, safe with the knowledge that she had seen it all before. As an experienced foster parent she could see all the signs of prospective parents in Dan and Phil; their attachment to all the children, their reluctance to leave them, the emotional care they gave them and they way they made them laugh. These children would have their forever family very soon.

     “Wendy told us to call her after the kids had been picked up. Are you ready to give her our decision?” Phil asked. Dan nodded giving Phil a quick kiss for luck as the phone began to dial. “Hi Wendy it’s Phil… Yeah the weekend was great; Alice just picked them up.” he told her, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for his next sentence “We want Hayden, Lucas and Maria to move in with us…”

      Three weeks later Wendy had visited the house with the necessary papers for them to sign. They did so with so much joy that they were both still smiling an hour after she left. The whole process had brought the two of them impossibly closer too, so much anticipation filled the air that even their petty bickering had become less frequent.

    When Alice dropped them all off for the final time (this time with triple the number of bags) there were tears all round. Maria wasn’t too aware of what was happening but the boys were clearly sad to be leaving Alice at the same time as being excited about having their own, stable family at the same time. The men promised to phone her about their progress and bring them round to visit regularly. They thanked her profusely, all five of them waving goodbye from the doorstep.

    “Come on giants,” Hayden called running up the stairs to his new room, Lucas stumbling after him.

“Welcome to chaos!” Dan laughed, the three of them chasing the two boys up the stairs.

     The following ten weeks were spent playing, eating and laughing amongst the late nights, the mess but most importantly getting to know each other. Both men qualified for adoption leave (similar to maternity and paternity leave) from the BBC, allowing them to spend all their time with the children. They still made videos, not wanting to tell their audience yet until they had made the official adoption. Although the viewers were used to infrequent uploads, the boys were just so busy.  

    Wendy dropped in systematically every week and by the end of the ten weeks had a proposal for them. “You are now able to apply to the courts for an adoption order. The children would officially be yours and they can take your last name,” she informed them. Of course the response was a resounding yes and the date for their application was set for the following month.

     Obviously the children were very confused as to why both men had left early that morning dressed in suits, leaving Alice in charge but they were happy to see her again. They were even more surprised when Dan and Phil came bursting through the door, laughing rambunctiously. Alice whooped upon their arrival, running over to hug them. Even though the children had no idea what was happening they were perfectly happy to be picked up and swung round, kissed and hugged over and over. The phone was ringing off the hook, congratulations coming from all their family and friends, including Ben and Charlie who had also decided to adopt their little girl. Play dates were already being arranged.

      When Dan and Phil put their children to bed that evening, saying goodnight was even better than it had already been. “I can’t believe they’re ours” was a phrase that was whispered constantly to each other throughout the day.

      As a special treat to celebrate the occasion they had moved Maria’s cot into their room and let Hayden and Lucas curl up in their bed with them. They encased the two boys in a cocooning hug, managing to reach far enough to hug each other as well. They didn’t need to speak to convey the  pure happiness both of them felt. It was more than enough to gaze over the head’s of the boys, their eyes sparkling. “Goodnight guys, love you,” Dan and Phil said at the same time, not even surprised anymore at their synchronicity. The response they received from Hayden and Lucas, however, was a moment that they would cherish till the end of their days.

 “Night night Daddy.”

-Fin   

A/N: Writing a Hogwarts AU has always been a dream of mine and it’s FINALLY here, guys! <3 I’d like to thank my lovely team for their endless patience and for always believing in me, even though I sometimes thought I’d never finish this story. The love they dedicated to this project has been quite an honor and I’m so happy with what we have built together! I’d also like to thank my followers for sticking by me, even though I focused on this for quite a while and had to stop writing other things. I’d also like to thank my bae @flippin-phantastic​ for putting up with me constantly stressing out over this little monster and being there for me everytime. This goes out to all the lovely people whom I have discussed phan hogwarts AU headcanons with. Oh, and a major shoutout to @chocolatesaucelester​ for all the PBB conversations we’ve had and her endless support. I quite like how this phanfic turned out and I hope you like it too! :D

A/N 2: This story is set on the same timeline as Harry Potter’s. Harry is one year ahead of Phil, who’s one year older than Dan in this universe. Just a heads up in case it gets confusing lmao

A/N 3: Read it on AO3

“SLYTHERIN”

The word echoes across the great hall as Dan Howell gets up from the stool, still shaky. The nerve-wracking process of making his way through the other first-years and sitting down in front of all these people was already enough to make him anxious, but the fact that this single moment would define his whole trajectory in Hogwarts was enough to make him nauseous and weak in the knees.

Looking at the Slytherin table, Dan made his way there, trying to convince himself that it wasn’t the end of the world. Sure, Slytherin had a bad reputation, but maybe he would find friends easily enough and things wouldn’t be as bad as they seemed. He tried to stay positive as he took his place near his new housemates. The boy wanted to try to talk to people already and make new friends, but he was far too intimidated. Instead he just stared down at the ground, not even daring to look up at his peers.

It wasn’t for lack of trying to convince the sorting hat that he didn’t belong into Slytherin that he got in. The hat was pretty adamant about his potential for Slytherin. Sighing, Dan tried to think why he was unlucky enough to end up on the house everybody would hate him for. He could already imagine the disappointment in his parents’ eyes when they realized that their son was sorted into that specific house, both of them being proud Gryffindors back in the day. Well, yet another reason for me not to be the son they always dreamed of, Dan decided, withdrawing even more into his own shell.

He also didn’t think he would fit in. Everybody around him looked cool and intimidating and he was just awkwardly self-conscious Dan, with a fringe and freaking dimples whenever he smiled. He couldn’t look more harmless if he tried! Scoffing to himself, Dan decided to keep quiet and just get through it, so he could lay down in bed and mumble to himself about how his life was unfair and how he would never ever have friends again.

So he kept to himself at first, letting people pass him by. Nobody tried to make conversation with him during the meal. When he was done eating, Dan followed the other students to the common room, already dreading the long trek to get there every damn day. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought he felt someone’s eyes on him, but he didn’t even acknowledge it, doing everything in his power to avoid making eye contact with anyone until he could get acquainted with the fact that the sorting hat seemed to see something in him he wasn’t sure he possessed.

Across the hall, a boy with beautiful blue eyes stared unblinkingly at the sad Slytherin kid, who practically dragged himself out of the Great Hall, eyes downcast. Compassion ran through him as he remembered his own reaction to being sorted to Hufflepuff a mere year ago. It was a tough time for him, and he felt sorry for the kid, who looked quite unhappy with his fate. He told himself that if he ever found the boy again, he would make sure he was doing all right in his new arrangement. One year had passed since his first time at the school, but he knew how scary it was to face your first days at Hogwarts.

The next morning was starting and Dan was curled up in his bed, wide awake. He hadn’t managed to sleep at all during the night, overthinking every single moment of the sorting. He was so sure he would end up being a Hufflepuff or something like that. He liked to think of himself as kind and loyal; these were the harmless qualities he thought he could possess.

He would be okay with being a Ravenclaw, too, even if he was pretty sure he wasn’t smart enough. Sure, he wasn’t dumb, but Dan didn’t consider himself above average enough to deserve that. He scoffed at the thought of being sorted into Gryffindor like his parents. Like that was ever going to happen! He definitely wasn’t heroic or brave or anything of the sort. He was just plain old Dan, just another kid, really.

It made him think that the sorting hat just put him in Slytherin for the lack of a better choice, but he soon discarded the idea. The hat was far too wise to just randomly place him there. He needed to have something that made the hat see him belonging there, even if he himself couldn’t see it yet.

He didn’t really know much about the house he was sorted into, but he never felt like he would fit in there. Maybe it was because he was raised into a household where both of his parents only told stories about Hogwarts from a Gryffindor’s perspective, but he only heard awful things about Slytherin so far. It was where most dark wizards came from, after all. He figured it must have earned its reputation.

He spent all night stressing over the fact that maybe the hat saw evil in him somehow and that was why he ended up having to tie the green and silver accessory around his neck when he finally got up to get ready for his first actual day in Hogwarts.

The day went by swimmingly for Dan. He quite liked learning when it was something he was interested in. He was used to magic, as his parents were both wizards and introduced him to it pretty early on, but it was still interesting to learn some new things. He groaned to himself in realization, facepalming in the middle of the hallway. He was already the nerdy kid, wasn’t he? He had just gotten into the school and he was already so happy about learning! The boy just sighed, shaking his head. Another reminder that Dan Howell just wasn’t cool. How the hell would I ever fit in with the intimidating Slytherins? he thought to himself, walking down the stairs. He was as lonely as he had always been in this new magical place, where he was promised so much.

When Dan’s owl brought him a letter on the next morning, he cringed. He had written his parents a quick letter the previous night letting them know about the sorting, but he wasn’t really expecting an enthusiastic response. He wasn’t seeing the bright side of what had happened either, so why would his parents? They would just think he was a freak like everyone else probably did. Sighing again in resignation, Dan opened the letter and started reading.

He didn’t really remember making his way back to his own bed, but his legs must have carried him there as he stared at the letter, lost in his thoughts. The disappointment in his mother’s writing came through as clear as if he could hear her voice, implicitly showing how much of a failure he really was. She could barely conceal the disappointment dripping through the ink, just like she usually did when it came to anything about him these days. Tears rolling down his cheeks, Dan fell asleep clutching the letter to his chest between heaving sobs and the endless question in repeat: Why could I never be normal and fit in just once?

His housemates exchanged looks of concern the following morning when he walked into the common room. They either heard his sobbing or saw the way he dragged himself, as if a heavy weight had settled down on his shoulders. Most of the other first years seemed to flinch away from him, whispering between themselves, probably weirded out by his antisocial behavior. There was one girl who tried to ask him what was wrong, compassion burning in her eyes, but he just shook his head and left to get his breakfast once again, hoping the classes could take his mind off of things for a while.

“What’s up with that kid?” a male voice whispered, a bit too loudly next to the tall boy a the Hufflepuff table.

“I don’t know, man. He just looks so sad all the time,” the girl said as her caramel colored eyes stared shamelessly at the kid sitting alone at the end of the Slytherin table. “Shouldn’t someone go talk to him? Find out what’s wrong?”

“Well, I don’t know about you,” another voice piped up, and everyone’s heads turned the way of the Gryffindor boy who stopped to gossip with them for a moment. “But if I were sorted into Slytherin, I would be sad too, you know? It’s like the worst thing that could happen! He’s just a kid,” the boy said, shaking his head. “That’s brutal!”

“Shut up, Chris,” the first boy - PJ was his name - interjected, shaking his head, “don’t you start bullying that kid already! He’s probably just adjusting to being in Hogwarts and feeling homesick, right Carrie?” The boy turned over and addressed the girl alongside him, who nodded vigorously.

“I still think someone should talk to him, though. I hate to see him being so sad,” she replied, eyes full of pity.

“Leave the kid alone, he has enough problems being sorted into that house,” Chris snickered, moving away to his own table as Carrie huffed at him, shaking her head.

“I’ll never understand why people fight so much over Hogwarts houses! It’s not like it’s that important,” she said with finality as her peers seemed to agree.  The conversation was dropped and moved on to another topic soon after.

The blue-eyed boy, however, didn’t stop staring at the kid sitting alone, still looking so miserable on his own. It gave him flashbacks to school before Hogwarts. He saw himself in the muggle world, sitting on his own at the end of a table, too awkward to talk to people. It reminded him of the person he promised not to be anymore after he went to Hogwarts. He remembered making an effort to have real friends this time around and not just let himself be invisible like he did back in regular school.

The dejected Slytherin kid reminded him again of how miserable he used to be, lonely and afraid. Taking a deep breath, the boy decided he needed to talk to that kid and find out how to help him. And it had to happen that night.

Dan was sitting on his own again. Only this time he was actually outside, watching the view. Hogwarts was a beautiful place, that much he could admit. He really enjoyed the classes as well. But the initial disappointment had yet to wear off, if he was being completely honest with himself. It’s not like he was expecting to be a Gryffindor, but he still couldn’t quite get over the fact that he had the qualities of a Slytherin in the first place.

Why are stupid Hogwart houses important anyway? Who thought it was a good idea to segregate people who have something in common? It sounds so absurd and dumb, Dan thought to himself. Why should he worry about any of that crap? He was just a kid trying to fit in, he didn’t need to worry so much about things. Stupid sorting hat.

“I don’t know, I always thought the sorting hat could be very wise,” a male voice said and Dan had a minor heart attack, realizing he must have mumbled some of that aloud. “Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” the voice continued, a tall boy plopping down next to him on the grass.

“W-who are you?” Dan asked, still slightly jumpy from the unexpected appearance of the other student, still not sure if he was brave enough to face the older boy.

“I’m Phil,” the smile could be heard in his voice, even if Dan still didn’t fully face the boy. “I saw you on your own and I thought I would say hi. I wasn’t expecting you to be talking to yourself, though. Is that just something you do?” Dan could hear the gentleness in his voice despite the first layer of mockery. He already liked this Phil guy.

“Shut up! No, I don’t,” he smiled, jokingly pushing him away.

“Ouch, you’re violent as well,” Phil pouted, stroking his own arm.

It was then that Dan decided it was time to face the first boy who actually approached him so far. He sounded nice enough, so he figured he should at least work up the courage to look at him in the eyes and introduce himself. Dan wasn’t actually prepared to the sight that awaited him.

You’d think that his gorgeous blue eyes would be the most noticeable feature right away. But for Dan, it was completely different. He saw the angles on his face (that would definitely mature to be quite sharp, despite his still young complexion), the elegance of his lanky body. He was quite tall and had a fringe similar to his own, only his hair was darker and looked softer, falling perfectly on his forehead.

Dan knew he was staring, but he couldn’t look away from the gentleness of his eyes. The icy color that would usually make anyone look more intimidating just looked warm, inviting. His slightly crooked lips formed a little smirk that made Dan falter for a minute. He didn’t realize how weird he must have looked until the boy cleared his throat and looked away. He swore he saw a bit of red tinge the paleness of his cheeks.

“I’m Dan,” the boy said, so loudly he startled himself. It was hard to hold himself together and not to facepalm over his own awkwardness, but he managed to do it.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil gave him a full smile this time, hesitating before he continued, sounding very honest. “I don’t want to bother you, sorry, but you seemed so sad earlier and I thought you shouldn’t be so alone all the time, you know?”

“Yeah,” Dan winced, looking down again, “about that…”

“I know, stupid sorting hat,” Phil quoted back and when Dan looked up he had that sympathetic gaze again. “Are you not happy with your Hogwarts house, Dan?”

“No, it’s just,” he sighed to himself. “I know it’s dumb, but my parents are Gryffindors and I hate to be the black sheep. I’m the worst son ever already, they must be very disappointed with me.”

“HEY,” Phil interrupted, frowning. “No, you’re not! Your house doesn’t determine the kind of person you are, Dan. You can be whoever you want to be. You don’t need to be like everyone else says you should.”

“That’s easy for you to say, Hufflepuff,” Dan joked back, staring pointedly at his tie.

“HEY, I’ll have you know we are loyal and friendly,” he laughed, and Dan saw a little bit of tongue poking out of his mouth behind his hand. “Yeah, maybe people don’t fit us into boxes as much as the other houses. But you don’t have to worry about that, Dan. It’s your future, you can do whatever you want with it.”

“I know that,” Dan whined, finally staring into Phil’s eyes as he proclaimed his biggest fear ever since he got sorted, “but I’m scared that the hat saw me as someone who would practice black magic… You know? What if it saw evil in me that I don’t see yet?”

“You don’t look evil to me,” the older boy frowned, cocking his head to the side a little bit, briefly reminding Dan of a puppy. “Are you evil, Dan?”

“No,” he scoffed at the idea. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly to be honest.”

“So why are you letting a stupid hat tell you who you are?” Phil complimented, matter-of-factly.

“You said it yourself: the hat is very wise. What if it saw something I can’t see?”

Dan could sense the desperation for answers in his own voice, regretting the amount of honesty he put into each word. He didn’t know why he trusted this Phil guy so much right from the start. Instead of giving him a straight answer, the boy just lay down in the grass and stared up at the sky, surrounded by the glow of the sun. Dan decided to join him after a few seconds of disbelief at his antics, dropping down next to him.

Phil chanced a glance at him and gave him a little smile, crossing his arms behind his head for support. Dan couldn’t really look away from the sunbeams illuminating his body, making his paleness even more alluring. It was a new feeling stirring up inside him and he felt like it was wrong, so he did all he could to shut it off. He had always known that he wasn’t really straight, but he never thought about labelling himself. Deep down he was afraid that liking boys might be another thing his parents may not approve of.

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Dan looked up at the sky as well, trying to make sense of the hat’s choice. He could hardly see another option besides the hat seeing something dark inside him, something that could equate him to the biggest dark wizards in history. He shuddered at the thought. He was just Dan, why would he ever turn evil?

“I can hear you thinking from here,” the boy turned his head and pointedly stared at his face. “Stop it.”

“I can’t just stop it! I’m worried I might turn evil,” he paused and frowned before continuing, uncertain, “aren’t you?”

“What?”

“Scared that you’re just befriending a future… Monster?” the words tasted vile in his mouth.

“Why would I? You said you’re not evil and I trust you, Dan,” he smiled again, reassuring and warm. “You’re the only one who thinks that, you know? Slytherin is not the evil house, Dan.”

“What else is there to it?” he mumbled, sadly.

“Well, it’s the house of the greatest leaders, for one,” he counted it in his fingers, staring unblinkingly at the younger boy, “it’s also all about having ambition and working hard to get places using whatever resources you need. So Slytherins are determined and a little bit obstinate, just like you’re being right now with this whole ‘I’m going to turn evil’ thing,” he mock-imitated Dan’s voice during the sentence, sounding extra whiny.

“Excuse you, I do not sound like that,” Dan whined.

“Yeah, you do,” he giggled. Giggled! Dan was so done with how cute that boy was! “Slytherins are also clever and all about surviving and saving themselves, above everything else… But that’s just the stereotype. It doesn’t mean anything,” Phil shrugged, letting the hand that was counting down the qualities fall down next to him in the ground.

“You’re quite stubborn yourself, aren’t you?” Dan said, grumpily. When Phil glanced at him he could see the gratitude in his eyes and a little smile appearing on his lips. “I can respect that, hufflepuff boy.”

“Hey, now, what have I just said about not fitting house stereotypes? I could totally be a Gryffindor, right?” he laughed. “I can already see that! Me as a majestic lion,” he made a deep silly voice in the end.

“Yeah, in your dreams,” Dan joked back, smiling fully now and laying his head back down in the grass, looking up at the beautiful sky.

“HEY! You have a dimple,” Phil enthused, poking his cheek excitedly like a child.

“You shouldn’t laugh at disformity,” Dan complained, trying to bite Phil’s finger.

“Feisty,” Phil shot back, laying down next to him again.

The boys just lay there side by side for a long time, resting in contemplative silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was just companionship as they suddenly realized they may have found something great in each other’s quiet company.

The thought of having a friend in Phil was a comfort for Dan. He started to look for the positive side of being a Slytherin more often. If he managed to be likeable to someone like Phil, then he couldn’t be that bad after all, right? So he convinced himself that being a Slytherin wasn’t as awful as he first thought. He was finally able to open up more. Despite the fact that he was still an awkward kid, he managed to make some idle conversation with some classmates and even find some acquaintances along the way.

It wasn’t really that hard to find people to talk to after he snapped out of that funk. The girl with the kind eyes who tried to help him the other day turned out to be pretty nice and they became quite close. Her name was Louise, and Dan couldn’t see how she would ever turn evil either, so he had to reluctantly accept - after some insistence from Phil - that not all Slytherins were that bad.

Dan kept meeting Phil outside of the castle to talk about anything and everything. He found out so many things about the Hufflepuff guy, and he was always fascinated by all the things he had to say. As Dan grew up in a wizard lineage, he had no contact with any muggles. So hearing Phil’s stories about the muggle world was amusing to say the least. He loved listening to Phil talk about his muggle family and the crazy times they had! Even for muggles, they sounded very peculiar.

All the little snippets of Phil’s life were so precious to him. He found himself cry-laughing over his stupid jokes even when he tried not to, and exasperated by his totally out-of-place comments. His random animal facts - both from the muggle world and the realm of magical creatures - were both amusing and totally endearing. Deep down, his sense of humor was just as sarcastic and dark as Dan’s, so more often than not Dan’s snide comments would send him in a fit of laughter that would make his tongue poke out of his mouth, despite his attempts at covering it with his hand.

They would often lay down in the grass together during that first year. Phil would tell some random fascinating story about the muggle world and Dan would just stare at him in complete awe over how much they were able to do without using any magic. Then they would just lay down in silence for a while, side by side.

Nobody but them was allowed to know about that one time, when, out of the blue, Dan reached out and put his hand over Phil’s on the grass.

And If Phil’s heart skipped a beat at the warmth of Dan’s hand covering his own, nobody was supposed to know that either.

Not yet, anyway.

“Why do you always disappear after lunch, Dan?”

“W-what do you mean?” The awkwardness and defensiveness showed through and Dan could actually see Louise’s eyes lighting up in realization.

“Oooohh is it a GIRL? Does Danny have a girlfriiieend???” Louise sing-songed, taken over by fits of uncontrollable laughter at his exasperated expression.

“Louise, look at me! I’m just an awkward potato, why would you ever think that?” he felt his cheeks growing hot and tried to refrain from swearing out loud.

“Now, don’t be a liar! I can see you daydreaming when you think I’m not paying attention! Who is she? Is she a Slytherin too?” She was so enthusiastic, Dan didn’t have a heart to actually be angry at her for being so nosy.

“There’s no girl!” Ok, maybe a little bit angry, then.

“Hey, don’t give me all that attitude, mister,” she frowned. “I’m just curious! But you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” he said, sighing.

“Ok, if that’s how it’s gonna be,” she mumbled back, walking away.

“What do you mean by that? LOUISE?!” he yelled back, but she had just left the common room. He brought his hand to cover his face, knowing she would be up to something very soon.

“DAN!” Phil yelled, waving as he saw Dan walking down to their very own spot to cloud gaze. Dan approached him and plopped down, grunting with an angry face, “What’s up? Are you… Okay?” he felt so unsure at Dan’s tempestuous expression.

“Yeah, Louise has been annoying me, that’s all,”

“Oh, okay,” he replied and Dan looked at him quizzically, waiting for an appropriate reaction. “Oh right! Nooo, that’s terrible! What has she done this time?” he said, pretending to be concerned.

“Shut up,” Dan sputtered back, a fond smile on his lips. “You’re the worst liar ever! You don’t even care.”

“Sorry,” Phil shrugged, giving him a half smile. “But, hey, I brought you something!”

“What?” Dan jumped back up, excitedly.

“This!”

Phil showed him a little device that he never saw before. Dan frowned at him, not understanding what it would ever be for. Phil patiently taught him how to use his old ipod. He had pre-filled it with some of his own favorite songs, excited to share this bit of the muggle world with Dan.

It was one of Phil’s favorite activities to listen to Muse and forget about his own problems, so he hoped Dan would soon feel the same way. He also taught him a little spell to keep the thing charged and Dan was filled with excitement, dimples in full display the whole time. Phil didn’t really know why the muggle world was so fascinating for the boy. It was just all ordinary for him. But he would do anything to see that smile more often, so he kept providing Dan with muggle objects.

Hiding in the corner, unknown to both of them, was Louise, watching Dan’s eyes light up with childish delight, and watching Phil smile. It was like seeing Dan’s happiness was everything he himself needed to be so happy. That was why she knew she would keep their secret safe. Louise silently headed back to the Slytherin chamber, smiling to herself at her discovery.

Louise did keep her word, but people started to notice eventually. No matter how much she tried to pass it off as Dan being weird and antisocial, the other Slytherin kids realized that Dan was missing more often than not. Not that they cared that much about him, but the house had a reputation to uphold and most of them took it very seriously. So when Jack one day stumbled upon the scene of second-year Dan Howell and third-year Phil Lester laughing together, sitting so close they might as well be on each other’s laps, the rumors quickly started to spread around Hogwarts.

It wasn’t even the rumors of him being gay that upset Dan. It was the mean whispers whenever he entered the common room. The angry looks. The hushed voices, calling him a freak. The weird boy who had a thing with that even weirder hufflepuff guy. The worst part: a muggleborn Hufflepuff boy. Nobody really wanted to associate themselves with Dan anymore at this point - apart from Louise - and he would have been okay with that if it didn’t sting to see the way they talked about his best friend, with such disdain in their eyes and venom in their voices.

Dan lashed out. He grew colder, more distant. His eyes lost that shine of the shared laughter with Phil every afternoon. Their meetings became farther apart and Dan felt the bitterness at the tip of his tongue. He was more and more withdrawn and would snap at people for the smallest things. Louise just looked at him with sad eyes whenever he said he didn’t feel like going outside yet another day. He knew she meant well, but the pity in her eyes did nothing to rid the bad taste from his mouth.

The worst part was when he glanced at the Hufflepuff table and saw Phil sitting there, surrounded by friends of his own and yet seeming so lonely. He had a dejected air about him lately, throwing longing glances Dan’s way whenever the boy wasn’t paying attention. His friends were all concerned about how quiet and withdrawn he had been recently. He didn’t want to admit that not having those little moments to share with Dan anymore made him feel like he did something wrong. It had to be his fault somehow, right?

“Phil? Are you okay?” Carrie inquired, nervously observing Phil’s slumped posture as he stared at his lap.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he said, sighing.

“You don’t look fine, mate. Is there something that’s been bothering you recently? You know you can tell us, right?” PJ asked, as kindly as possible.

“It’s fine, guys,” was all the reply they got as Phil got up. “I have to go now. See you later.”

“Damn, he’s really off recently, isn’t he?” Carrie whispered as he left, staring at his back.

“Do you think something happened?” PJ replied.

“Yeah, I think this is related to the Slytherin guy… Dan, right? Phil was talking about him nonstop and now they don’t seem to hang out much anymore. In fact,” she looked at the Slytherin table and saw the boy sitting alone, looking dejected and angry, “It looks like he’s acting weird too.”

“Do you think they had a fight?” Chris’ voice piped up and Carrie jumped.

“Oh my God, don’t do that! You scared me,” she complained. “Yeah, I think that’s likely.”

“We don’t know anything for sure,” PJ tried to calm down the mood, as he saw the anger in Chris’ eyes.

“We better not find out he hurt Phil or I’ll fuck him up,” Chris threatened, angrily glaring at the Slytherin boy. “Never trusted that kid!”

“Hey, mind your language,” Carrie shushed him, harshly. “Nobody is fighting! We just need to talk to Phil and find out what is really going on.”

“Fine, I’ll let it be for now,” the Gryffindor replied, getting up to go away. “But if you need my help, just say so.”

They just nodded, having no intention of causing a conflict between Dan and Chris. The boy walked back to his own house’s table as they observed Dan, still sitting on his own. He looked slightly angry still, but his stare was vacant, as if his mind were elsewhere. They pretended not to notice when he looked at their table and stared longingly at the spot Phil had occupied earlier, his whole posture deflating when he saw the vacant seat.

The peace didn’t last long because Phil became more and more withdrawn, not giving his friends straight answers about his sudden change in mood. PJ and Carrie didn’t really know how to help him, so Chris decided it was about time he stepped in and settled this situation in his own way.

“Howell,” a male voice called, aggressively. When Dan turned over he was faced by a shorter Gryffindor, who seemed mad at him for some reason. “What’s up between you and Phil Lester?”

“Why do you care?” he sassed back, matching the other’s tone.

“Phil is upset and I bet you’re involved in this, aren’t you?”

“Well, I don’t know what rumours you’ve been listening to, but there’s nothing going on between Phil and me,” Dan almost growled, staring him down. “Now let me go! I have no idea why he would send you after me.”

“I can’t just let my friend be hurt by someone like you,” Chris spit out the last word, pointedly staring at Dan’s green and silver tie.

“What about me, huh? What’s wrong with me?” his voice was rising and some students were starting to pay attention to their very public altercation.

“You’re just like all the others! What would he see in a Slytherin? You’re probably manipulating him to get something,” Chris spat, eyeing him up with disgust.

“Well, fuck me then! How is any of this my fault? He decided to be my friend! Fuck off!” Dan argued back, raising his voice.

“I won’t until you apologize about whatever shit you pulled on him,” he growled back.

“Why would I? I didn’t do anything,” the boy kept staring at him, his arms crossed. “Of course you won’t believe me! Look, mate, I have no problem with you. Just let me be, okay?” He tried to keep walking but Chris stopped him again, shoving him back.

“Not until I find out why Phil’s been acting so weird.”

“Why don’t you ask him? I have nothing to do with Phil! Let me go!” he demanded loudly, eyes filled with badly-concealed fury. His hand was subtly reaching towards his wand, ready to defend himself at all costs.

The sound of hurried footsteps followed by a gasp of surprise were heard as someone approached, rushing to the boys arguing in the middle of a corridor.

“Chris, what do you think you’re doing?!” Phil demanded, standing between the two boys, who were staring each other down.

“Teaching this twat some manners?” he replied, glancing at Phil before looking back at his adversary.

“You wish, shithead!” Dan said back, making the boy grab him roughly, intent on pressing him against the nearest wall just to scare him off.

“STOP IT,” Phil yelled, prying Chris away from Dan.

“Call off your guard dog, Phil,” Dan mocked, glaring at Chris as Phil pulled him away.

“Chris, stop! I never asked for help! Why are you doing this?” he whispered to his friend, eyes filled with tears. “Stop trying to hurt him! What are you even trying to do?”

“You’re lucky Phil likes you, Howell,” he stared back at Dan, challenging. “I won’t get my wand out and make a bigger mess, but I’ll keep an eye on you, Slytherin boy.”

Chris sauntered away and Dan sighed in relief. He was terrified at the possibility of getting into an actual fight, feeling the hand that reached for his wand shaking. Dan turned his back at Phil, seething in quiet anger. He couldn’t believe the scene they just made in the middle of the castle’s corridor! Everyone around was looking at them, watching the whole thing play out. Dan was outraged that Phil would do something like that instead of talking to him. It was something between only the two of them and now the whole school was involved on this.

“Dan, I…”

“Don’t! Not here,” Dan angrily cut him off, grabbing his arm and dragging him to a place away from all the curious eyes of other students.

He didn’t even realize he was dragging him outside to their very own little hideaway until they were there. Dan let go of his friend’s arm and took a deep breath, turning his back on Phil again. All the feelings he had bottled up and all the insecurities about this whole situation started to surface again and he could feel it boiling inside of him. The anger was like a living thing, worming its way inside his heart and turning him into someone he really didn’t want to be.

“Dan, look…”

“Did you have to do that? Why would you, Phil?” Dan lashed out, turning around to stare at Phil. “Tell your fucking body guard to attack me in front of everyone? Do you have any idea how humiliating that scene was? What did I even do to you?”

“Do you really think I asked him to do that?” Phil sounded disappointed with a hint of anger Dan was definitely not used to hearing in his voice.

“What am I supposed to think? He just comes up to me like he’s your fucking protective boyfriend or something!” he couldn’t quite hide his disgust at the words, jealousy taking over.

“It’s not…”

“NO! I don’t wanna hear it!” Dan raised his voice, almost shouting now, gesticulating wildly, “I don’t care what you have to say! Whatever problems you have with me are only between you and me! You have no right to involve other people into this shit!”

“Why are you so angry about Chris stepping in? It’s not like you cared about how I felt  either. It’s not like you tried to talk to me at all these last few weeks, Dan!” Phil’s voice started to raise in volume and his fists were clenched, looking right into the other’s eyes.

“I don’t want the entire Hogwarts to meddle into our issues, Phil, that’s why! I don’t give a fuck about that pretentious asshole!”

“Oh,” realization dawned in his eyes and it made something cold crawl up Dan’s spine, “That’s your problem, huh? You’re just ashamed because people will talk about us being together, just like they did before. Are you ashamed of me?” his voice broke the tiniest bit, even though he didn’t raise his voice, and Dan could feel it taking a little bit of his heart with it.

“No, Phil, that’s not…”

“Yes, it is! That’s why you’ve been avoiding me,” Phil said as he turned away, getting angry. His anger was filled with ice, whilst Dan’s burned like wildfire. Fire quickly turned into ashes, but Dan wasn’t so sure if the icy coldness of Phil’s rage would melt anytime soon.

“Phil, hear me out…”

“Now you want me to listen to you? Where were you all this time when I...?” he scoffed, interrupting himself. “Here I was, thinking I must have upset you somehow to make you so distant! Well, I was wrong again,” he turned back and faced Dan, his whole posture stiff with anger. “Maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe you were right all along.”

“A-about what?” he knew what Phil’s next words would be. He could feel them in the heavy uneasiness that permeated the air around them. He just hoped Phil wouldn’t say it. Saying it would make his biggest fear ever since the sorting much more real.

“Maybe there’s nothing good about Slytherin, after all. Maybe everyone was right and you are all selfish. Maybe you never even cared.” Tears were glistening in his eyes, but his cold demeanor hadn’t changed at all.

“You don’t mean that,” Dan pleaded, tears threatening to fall. He felt his voice breaking and his hands shaking. He didn’t know how much of what he was feeling was anger anymore.

“No, I really do. Please, Dan, just go,” Phil’s voice broke and he wouldn’t meet Dan’s eyes, staring down at the ground, jaw clenched shut.

“Phil, I didn’t...” he tried to begin, tears falling down his face. The boy was interrupted by a sob that he couldn’t hold back, prompting him to just give up and turn away, running back to the Slytherin chambers. Dan usually never ran, but this was definitely an exception in his book. He wanted to outrun the heartbreak, undo the whole fight, but he knew that was the one thing he could never do.

Louise came back to the Slytherin common room after her classes to find Dan huddled up in a corner, head on his knees, badly-concealed sobs shaking him to the core. She wordlessly pulled him into a hug, feeling his tears soaking up her uniform. She stroked his hair, shushing him softly whenever he tried to apologize. She felt her own heart break piece by piece as the boy cried in her arms, hopeless once again. Broken.

She didn’t even need to ask him anything. She could feel through every shiver and whimper that he was damaged. Louise felt a brief flare of anger at the one responsible for this, but it dissipated when she looked down at the younger boy in her arms, wailing in heartbreak.

She knew the name of the perpetrator like the back of her hand, syllables dancing on the tip of her tongue. The one who held Dan’s heart in his hands had dropped it today, and all she could do was hold him through the pain of the aftermath and make sure he would be able to mend the pieces back together eventually.

Phil didn’t cry. At least not in public. He acted aloof and distant during the rest of the day and all of his friends noticed he wasn’t quite there. He would just get really quiet and stare at nothing for long intervals until he excused himself to go to bed earlier, laying down on his bed, still feeling quite numb.

Only when he glanced at one of Dan’s stupid little handwritten messages laying there forgotten on his bed, Phil finally felt it. He hugged his pillow to his chest, crying as softly as he could. If his roommates noticed, they did nothing more than exchange a knowing look. They knew there was something wrong with him, but they didn’t know when he would actually allow the emotion to flood through.

Phil just lay there all night, wide awake, wondering why it hurt so bad. If it was never supposed to happen, then why did it burn so much? Why did his heart scream at him, voices yelling that he ruined it. Ruined what? He’d lost the best thing he’d ever had, even if he wasn’t aware there was something to be lost.

Sobbing on his pillow, Phil felt regret burning deep into his core. His lungs ached with the wasted breath, choking on the words that were once again left unsaid. And this time he was afraid they would forever remain unsaid.

Things became quite chaotic after that. The Triwizard Tournament begun and it brought lots of excitement. For some reason that Potter kid  got into trouble once again by putting his name in the Goblet of Fire (even if he said otherwise, everyone was a little bit suspicious at that point). The students from other schools also came to Hogwarts. The air was abuzz with a weird sort of excitement, adrenaline. It came from a place of danger, but it was very distracting as far as personal relationships went.

As for Dan and Phil, they stayed as far from each other as possible. Gone were the longing glances. Dan was colder than ever before and whenever he was asked by his teasing classmates about Phil, he would get in a horrible mood and complain about how it was all made up. He and Phil had never actually been close at all, much less being together in any shape or form.

Deep down, Dan knew it was a protective mechanism: the denial kept him going, because in his heart he knew something had happened between them. He preferred not to look at it too hard, though. So he distanced himself from anyone outside the boundaries of his own Hogwarts house.

Phil seemed fine again to the public eye. He was always giggling about something or other with his friends, who were relieved to see him getting over the whole fight. His exterior looked as good as ever; he never let anything show. He only suffered all alone, hiding out in the bathroom by himself, breath hitching into overwhelming sobs when he smiled at Dan and got nothing in return.

He knew he should stop looking at him and hoping he could someday have the lazy moments outside staring up at the clouds again. He was, however, a true romantic at heart and couldn’t quite let go of the idea of Dan and Phil laying side by side on the ground, laughing together without a single care in the world. Nobody was supposed to know of the silent tears which stained his pillow every time he remembered their argument. His own words still echoed back to him and no matter how much he regretted them, he was still afraid that somehow they held a lot of truth.

The resentment only grew and they spent almost all of the remainder of Dan’s second year without talking to each other.

Nobody was sure what their wake-up call actually was at that point, not even Dan and Phil themselves. Maybe it was the tragic ending of the tournament, the dead body of Cedric Diggory lain bare in front of the whole school as Harry clung to it. Maybe it was the realization that death was a possibility and life was too exceedingly short to be wasted in silent seething anger.

No matter what it was, the next day Dan found himself attracted to their spot outside of the castle, intent on laying there by himself and reconsidering his own choices. He regretted every single word he said, but he regretted even more the ones he didn’t say. The apology was on the tip of his tongue, dying to leave his lips as Dan contemplated the real danger that permeated Hogwarts recently.

He never expected to find Phil already there, lain down looking at the sky just like they used to. He quickly glanced at Dan and averted his eyes back to the clouds, lightly patting the space next to him on the ground. It seemed like no time at all had passed, like Phil never left that very same spot. Dan lay down next to him, silently staring at the sky again and wondering where he’d get the courage to say something.

He felt Phil’s eyes staring at him, but he didn’t avert his own from the sky. The older boy seemed to understand, laying his head down again. The silence wasn’t oppressive like in every other occasion they’d been near each other after the fight. It was just the opposite: it reminded them of the good old times, when they would laugh together over some story from the muggle world alongside each other for hours.

Suddenly, Dan understood: he didn’t need to say anything. Not really. He felt his heart warming up, turning his head to sneak a peek at Phil’s face. His blue eyes shone in the light of the day and Dan wondered why he was stupid enough to ever give this up over his own damn pride.

Glancing down, he noticed Phil’s hand was turned palm up on the ground between them and he took the chance. Reaching out, Dan fit his hand into Phil’s, intertwining their fingers while making sure not to glance Phil’s way.

Slightly dazed at this turn of events, Phil turned his head again to stare at Dan. He saw a light blush on his cheeks, but the boy didn’t look at him. He smiled to himself and squeezed the boy’s hand, feeling warmth making its way into his heart once again after so long. It felt like an eternity since the last time they had been like this, but they seamlessly fit together again, just like they always should.

Staring up at the sky in the extraordinary school of Hogwarts, all they could think about was how wonderfully ordinary life could be in the simplest of gestures. No spell could be as powerful as the feeling in their chests, ready to burst in pure exhilaration. They were finally together again and nothing else mattered.

The hands of the clock kept on spinning. Even under every threat Hogwarts would face during Harry’s journey - and, boy, were there many! - time was unrelenting and so was life. For Dan and Phil, life went back to laying down in the grass together, sharing every moment of solitude with each other. Their friends noticed that their smiles were back at the same time as their disappearances grew more frequent. It wasn’t hard to guess that they were back now.

Dancing around their feelings seemed to be the norm to them. They never needed any words to show each other how dearly they held their company. And yet, Dan and Phil never verbally acknowledged the spark inside their hearts, the shared rhythm of their heartbeats whenever they saw the other’s smile. It would be clear to anyone looking from the outside how they both felt, but they kept everything quiet, going back to best friends. Maybe they were afraid of losing what they had. Maybe it wasn’t really needed to verbalize the feelings deep inside. Regardless, their little dance would continue for quite a while.

The next year held surprises for everyone. The tyranny of Umbridge’s command over Hogwarts was not something students expected, nor something they were prepared to face. When she started with the unfair punishments and all the regulations, it became almost impossible for Dan and Phil to meet. They exchanged sad looks across crowded corridors, being led like sheep. The atmosphere felt sad and hopeless and the boys, while still close, could hardly be together anymore.

They had their little reminders. Phil had the spells Dan taught him: pointless ones meant to create pretty sparkles or beautiful flames, things Dan himself learned when bored in his wizard household. Dan, in return, had some muggle paraphernalia, such as the iPod Phil had given him way back. It was like carrying a piece of his friend, being able to enjoy that music whenever he felt the need to. Soon it became one of his most prized possessions. It all felt bittersweet, but being together wasn’t really an option, as being caught outside the castle would be considered suspicious and also dangerous.

In the one occasion they managed to talk to each other. it was not in the best of circumstances. Dan heard from his friends that Phil had gotten in trouble in transfiguration class over something he said. He didn’t know the details; he just heard that he had to go see Umbridge later in the day. Shuddering at the thought of what punishment she might have had in store for his best friend, Dan hid near her room, waiting for Phil to come back outside.

When Phil came back cradling his hand, a look of pain in his eyes, Dan felt his blood run cold. True fury filled him when he showed him the words engraved in his hand: “You mustn’t talk back to the teacher.” If Phil didn’t hold him back in that moment, Dan was certain that he would have run into her room and teared her a new one himself for causing Phil harm.

As it happened, Dan stood outside, angry as all hell that anyone would ever do something like that to Phil. Sweet Phil Lester, who held on to him now, hugging him tightly. Comforting Dan because Umbridge did this to him. He only realized how much he needed the comfort, the warmth of his embrace, when he felt the tears brimming in his eyes at the thought of her evil smirk as she watched him in pain. Who gave her the right to hurt my Phil? Dan caught himself thinking.

Deep down, Dan was scared of the anger that overcame him. He wanted to make her pay, as painfully as possible. Phil, once again, brought him back to his senses and made him realize he was better than that. And he wondered again what he had done to deserve someone as amazing as this boy truly was, with his heart of gold filled with nothing but forgiveness.

Besides that one event, Phil’s fourth year went by without an incident. It was made darker by the less frequent encounters with Dan, without them being able to enjoy their hideout, their own place away from everyone else. They did, however, go back to meeting each other. It was more like an adventure, a big escapade this time, but they would sometimes manage to sneak into one of the castle’s many secret passages to hang out. These were the brightest days and it was always like no time had ever passed at all since their first encounter. Precious moments filled with laughter and warmth were something that they both treasured.

The rumours were more at bay now that Dan and Phil were not so obviously together, but people still talked. There were still knowing smiles exchanged between Louise and Dan whenever they spotted Phil somewhere close by, shamelessly staring at the younger boy. She still pestered him about them being together, but Dan vehemently denied the accusations, trying to hide the disappointment in his eyes at the truth in his words.

Phil’s friends still groaned when they caught him looking over at the Slytherin table, asking him when they were finally going to get together. Phil would blush and stutter, but he never denied the feeling completely. Chris still huffed whenever he caught Phil’s soft looks at the Slytherin boy who hurt him, still holding a slight grudge over that argument from a long time ago.

Whenever they managed to be together, there was a feeling of being just out of reach. Just a little bit off, a step away from something great. None of them made a move, so that was the way it remained for a while. They were absolutely comfortable around each other and they knew all their deepest secrets. All apart from the most important one, buried under the awkwardness of the unsaid: the undeniable joy they felt whenever they were together, the urge to get closer, to feel each other’s breath on their skin, to feel their electric touch all over their bodies, to come undone in front of each other for the first time.

They did nothing of the sort. Dan and Phil stayed right where they were, happy enough to have that unbreakable bond everyone else seemed to speculate about. They were comfortable in the knowledge that somehow they belonged with each other. And they had convinced themselves things were totally fine the way they were between them, even if there still seemed to be a little piece missing. They couldn’t quite put their finger on that yet, though, so they decided to just let it be.

It was the ending of Dan’s fourth year and everything was different. Dumbledore’s death came as quite the shock, and nobody really knew what to expect after that point. Hogwarts’ atmosphere felt unsettling, surreal and unsafe. Every single day of regular classes could be the last, the threat looming bigger and bigger in the horizon. While some attempted to turn a blind eye, others lived in fear, all too aware that everything could go wrong in the blink of an eye. These were the ones who were not fortunate enough to forget, the ones who had a lot to lose. The ones whose loved ones were involved on either side of the impending war.

And yet life moved on, as it usually did.  No stopping the clocks, the schedules, the calls to yet another class. Always moving forward with machine-like precision. There were spells to learn, potion preparations to master, magical animals to learn how to handle - Phil’s favorite subject - and also protection spells against darkness - ironically, Dan’s favorite, but not for the reasons one must first think.

There was no reason for it to feel so final, but it did. Maybe it was the threat yet again - this place is pretty dangerous for somewhere that is supposed to be a school, Dan would mockingly tell himself - or maybe it was just the speed of things, time wasting away by the second. It didn’t help that Phil was older and would leave the school one year sooner than Dan himself. Something urged him to take the leap and make a change in the current paralysis they had been living in.

Yet he was too scared to act on it. He wished he was as brave as at two a.m., when he rehearsed to himself what he was going to say before falling asleep. When Dan was really staring at Phil, however, it all went out of the window and he felt himself stuttering on his words. He was never one to be open about his feelings, but Phil was different. In fact, this was the one thing he never quite managed to tell him about. He knew rationally the worst that could happen was that Phil would say no, but it all felt like too much for him and he felt scared and confused.

When it finally did happen, it was nowhere near Dan’s nightly fantasies. They were hanging out as usual, this time sitting very close to each other on the ground, legs touching. They were both content and relaxed, so their guards were down and it was all it took for the moment to happen.

“...And then she went ‘Mr Kendall, do you still not know what a wand is for?’ and he was like ehhrrmm,” Phil made the impression of Chris’s dumbfounded face in front of the teacher’s wrath. “And she just looked so mad at him and she asked, ‘have you forgotten how to speak as well, Mr. Kendall?’ and just made him go back to work.”

“OH MY GOD,” Dan laughed. “Serves him right, that asshole!”

“HEY! He’s my friend, you know,” Phil pouted at him for a second before bursting into laughter again. “You’re right, though, he kinda deserved that one.”

“What about you, Mr Perfect Lester?” Dan mocked, smiling at him. “Gotten into any trouble recently?”

“No,” Phil answered with the truth. “Why would I?”

“I don’t know. To live a little? Have some fun? Don’t you ever just want to do something spontaneous and unexpected?”

“Like… What?”

“I don’t know! Anything,” Dan smiled at him shyly, feeling his heartbeat increase as Phil just stared into his eyes for a while, silently. When Dan was wondering what the hell was actually happening, Phil just let out a loud eagle noise, without even breaking eye contact. It startled Dan badly, “OH MY FFFF-PHIL!”

Both of them burst into laughter at that, doubling over. Dan leaned forward as Phil moved towards him, leaning his head on Dan’s chest while he laughed. The older boy almost hid his head on his shoulder, still lost in fits of laughter, little puffs of air hitting Dan’s neck. It felt like something warm filled him up at the knowledge that he had Phil’s body at such close proximity to him. It felt like home to have him leaning on his chest and all he could hope for was that Phil felt the same way.

After the laughter died down, Phil stayed still for a while. He tilted his head up, meeting Dan’s eyes. The warm brown seemed to sparkle as a huge smile pulled his lips. Transfixed, he kept staring at Dan’s face, while still half leaning on him. His heartbeat suddenly sped up, and he saw something in the other boy’s eyes. Something he didn’t recognize but he felt like he did, because it was so similar to what he himself felt. The turmoil of feelings burning inside of him seemed to dance behind Dan’s irises, a question clearly etched into the arch of his eyebrows.

He felt Dan’s breath hitting his face, getting closer. Phil’s heart hammered in his chest and he was overwhelmed by how much he wanted that. He never had experienced such true desire before, and it was scary. He hadn’t accessed his feelings for Dan ever since their big fight. He wasn’t even sure of how he felt about his own sexuality. Phil felt the conflict take him over while Dan leaned closer and closer, eyes starting to fall closed.

He could close that gap, Phil realized. He could just go for it, no regrets. He was so scared and yet a bravery from deep inside came over him. He was going to do it! For the first time in his life, Phil Lester was going to take a damn chance and show Dan he reciprocated his feelings! It was now or never.

Violently moving forward in his haste, Phil’s nose clashed with Dan’s, a big yelp coming from both of their mouths. Dan held his nose between his hands, tears coming to his eyes because of the impact. Phil jumped back a lot at the scare, but seemed mostly unharmed by the collision.

“OH MY GOD, Dan,” Phil’s mouth fell open, shocked. “I’m so sorry! Are you hurt? Let me see,” he shuffled closer again, reaching out to look at his nose, pulling Dan’s protective hands away. “It’s not too bad! It’s gonna be fine. Not broken or anything, promise,” Phil reassured, taking a deep breath himself knowing he didn’t hurt the boy badly.

Then the adrenaline died down and he felt the shame taking over. Phil wanted to have an invisibility cloak right now and just walk off the edge of the Earth. He just wanted to do something himself, take some charge, and look at what he did by being eager! Fuck, Dan would hate him now! He couldn’t even look at him, tears starting to fill up his eyes against his will.

“Fuck, that hurt!” Dan complained, still too focused on his own problems to notice Phil. “That was… Huh… Not what I was expecting, to be honest,” he said, jokingly.

Frowning at Phil’s silence, Dan looked at him and saw his dejected expression. He didn’t even realize how Phil must be feeling about the whole thing! The urge to slap his own face at his idiocy almost won over, but he decided speaking would be the best option here.

“Phil,” he asked, softly, “are you hurt?”

“N-no…” was all the answer he got and the boy still didn’t look up.

“Are you… Going to cry or something?” Dan asked, unsure, humor tinging his tone. He was never very good at comforting people, so he made everything into a joke. He saw Phil physically recoil a bit more at that and tried to backtrack. “N-no, sorry, I didn’t…”

“No, I’m sorry,” Phil steadied himself, taking a deep breath to hold back the tears. “I just wanted to be fun and spontaneous like you said! But I hurt you,” his eyes were so sad staring into Dan’s. All the younger boy could do was hold himself back, trying his hardest not to just try to kiss him again to wipe that look off his face.

After a short internal struggle, Dan groaned, making up his mind. He just reached out and hugged Phil tightly. The boy stayed still in shock for a few seconds and then hugged back just as tightly. Dan felt him smile on the crook of his neck and decided that things would definitely be okay.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t move.”

One smooth move was all it took for Dan to pull back from the hug and let his lips linger on Phil’s for a second, just an innocent and shy peck. The older boy brought a hand to his lips, surprised at the intensity of the feeling something so small had caused. Dan just smiled at him, still feeling shy and yet proud of finally being brave enough to make his feelings clear for the first time.

Phil smirked, a devilish look on his face that Dan definitely wanted to see again, as he pulled the Slytherin boy toward him by his tie and kissed him again, hard this time. Dan felt nothing but surprised contentment as Phil’s lips danced against his own, taking his breath away. That was a feeling he definitely hoped to experience many, many times in the days to come.

Deep kisses shared on the castle’s most hidden corners. Visits to secret rooms they found in their haste to be together. Bodies colliding against walls, kissing breathlessly. Slight movements against each other in the close proximity, seeking friction, always longing for more.

Hidden corridors. Shared giggles when their secrecy was at risk, running away hand in hand at the slightest sound of approaching footsteps. They wouldn’t get caught, though. The novelty and privacy, always on the verge of discovery, fuelled their feverish love. They submerged into each other more and more each day.

Half whispered ‘I love you’s in passing, meant only for each other’s ears. Every tiny escapade just to be pressed close together, no space between their bodies. The feelings grew as they began to miss each other whenever they were apart, but still wouldn’t risk what they had now. Not after what happened the last time people presumed they were together.

They were careful and yet reckless in the smallest of ways. When they had a class together - not a common occurrence because of their houses - they would find a way to work together and hold hands under the table, concealed from the public eye and yet just so painfully there. Just like everything else they did, they found comfort in the ambiguity, the question in the tip of people’s tongues whenever they noticed the way they looked each other.

Then there were the times when they found privacy in the Room of Requirement, wishing so hard that they could have a place where they could just be together. Their wish was so raw, the desire so deep and honest, that the room provided it. These were the best days, as they lazily made out on the couch, bodies moving in synch. Moaned names, asking for more as the desire ran through them.

Every ragged breath sounded like a desperate plea as the rhythm of their movements, of their love and lust took them over. Every touch felt like they were exactly where they belonged, moaning each other’s name in pure ecstasy as they finally let go in each other’s touch.

It felt like a sin to hold the other in their arms after coming down from their high, cuddling together and silently wondering why they still felt the need to hide something so beautiful.

And the question remained: what were they now?

Phil’s sixth year in Hogwarts already started out with trouble. Things were getting worse and rumour had it that the darkness was little by little taking over the school. People were whispering all around about the terrible things that were happening and everyone was much more scared now. The suspicion in the air didn’t allow Dan and Phil to be together most of the time, aside from their meetings in one of the castle’s many secret passageways they deemed theirs. It didn’t happen often enough, though, and the feeling of longing for each other grew stronger each day.

In one of these short meetings, Phil decided it was time to confess that he had been engaging into some activities with Dumbledore’s Army. He wasn’t fully a member, but he was learning enough to get by, in case it was needed. Luna had convinced him to try it - he was always able to see how nice she was behind the quirkiness that pushed people away - and he did. While he wasn’t a violent person, he felt the need to learn how to protect himself in the face of danger.

Despite how anxious this new-found knowledge made Dan, he understood where it was coming from. Even if he didn’t fully trust these people - he never really trusted many people if he was being totally honest - he could see why Phil would feel the need to do this. He made the Hufflepuff promise to stay away from trouble himself, hugging him tightly as he tried to convey how much he cared and worried about him.

Phil was clumsy and too kind for his own good, but Dan knew he was a good wizard and he had potential to be great, always so hardworking and smart. Rationally, he understood that it wasn’t exactly dangerous for him to engage in such activities - granted he didn’t actually get caught doing them, but he couldn’t help but be overprotective and worry way too much.

He couldn’t help but imagine sweet Phil having to fight against dark magic, which was both fascinating and scary as hell in Dan’s opinion, and it terrified him. The slightest possibility of losing his best friend, the one he shared his everything with, was the scariest thing he could ever conceive.

Holding Phil tightly against his chest, Dan wished for peace to come back. His wish wouldn’t be granted until much later, as the war intensified and came closer and closer to their school each passing day.

“Absolutely NOT!”

“Dan, hear me out…”

“NO! You’re NOT doing that! Are you mental, Phil?!” the Slytherin boy shot back, angrily. “Please don’t tell me you’re really considering this?”

“They need me, Dan! It’s a life or death emergency. The actual battle will break out soon and they need as many people as they can get,” Phil reasoned, placatingly trying to reach out and bring Dan closer, but he was having none of it.

“Yeah, your death, Phil! What are you even thinking? You could actually die!” Dan yelled back, anxious.

“I won’t die,” Phil shot back, mockingly, but some uncertainty leaked into his voice and Dan looked even more exasperated, running his hands through his hair. “That’s not the plan, anyway. I’m sure it will be fine! But they need me, Dan. I can’t back away when there are people counting on me.”

“What people? That Potter kid?! He’s trouble and you know it, Phil! Everyone back in Slytherin seems to think so!” His hair was messy from his hands grabbing it and he felt his hands shake, desperately trying to convince the Hufflepuff boy the war wasn’t worth losing him.

“No, not just him. I’m doing this for all of us, bear,” he paused, tenderly looking at Dan’s terrified face. “I need you to understand how I can’t just hide, ok? I promised them I would do my best to protect the school. I can’t back out on that when they need me the most.”

“I know, I know,” Dan sighed, angrily rubbing his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. “Fuck! Phil, I don’t want you to get hurt!”

“Me neither, Dan,” Phil held the boy’s hands, pulling him closer. His eyes were glued to the floor and Phil could clearly see the tears starting to fill them up despite his best efforts. He felt his own heart break at the sight, trying to calm him down. “No, no, please don’t cry, bear.”

“Of course I’m gonna fucking cry!” Dan answered in a choked up whisper, looking up at Phil as some tears started to roll down his face. “My fucking boyfriend tells me he’s going to fight in what seems to be one of the biggest wars in the history of the wizarding world! Fuck.” He covered his face with his hands, trying to hold back the emotion.

“Hey, hey,” Phil appeased, putting his arms around the boy. “I’m scared too. We all are! But we’re gonna be okay in the end, you’ll see.”

Dan just let himself be hugged, trying to get his breathing back under control and rid himself of the tears. It reminded him of the muggle movies Phil used to show him, when a guy enlisted for the army and had to leave for a great war, while the sad girlfriend had to stay behind and let him go. He remembered hating these characters, especially the tragic girl who was left behind, passively accepting the man’s departure. Now the shoes suddenly seemed to fit him even tighter and he didn’t know what to do. One death curse and there was no saving him: it would just end.

“So,” Phil said after a few minutes holding him and swaying him gently, his laughter rumbling against Dan’s ear pressed to his chest. “Boyfriend, huh?”

“Shut up, you nerd,” Dan replied, smiling and pushing Phil away.

“OUCH! Still so violent,” Phil pouted again.

This time wasn’t like the first one. This time Dan was prepared to kiss the cute pout away from that beautiful face of his. And that’s what he did, forgetting their troubles for a while and just letting things be.

They knew the day would come. And when it finally did, no one was completely ready. Harry was in Hogwarts again, asking people to stand with him or to leave the castle to safety. How Dan wished he could grab Phil and just leave, but the boy wouldn’t have it. Dan watched nervously as Phil joined the group of people who would stay and defend Hogwarts.

While most Slytherins left right away, a few stayed amidst the ones who would fight. Dan stood his ground, nervously looking around at his housemates leaving. He understood their motives: many of them were actually afraid of facing people from their own families. Some of them just had too much to lose and some were just worried about surviving. Dan could respect that, as all he himself wanted to do was grab Phil and run. But he wasn’t leaving that school - now turned into battlefield - without Phil by his side.

“We’re gonna be okay,” Phil whispered into his ear, holding his hand. Nobody was actually paying attention, everyone lost in their own fears.

When Dan gazed back into Phil’s beautiful eyes, however, he saw the fear loud and clear in there, the same as the one who shook him to the core.

He held Phil’s hand more tightly and swore not to let go.

Ironically, letting go of Phil’s hand was the first thing to happen. People were running and setting up traps to stop the Death Eaters from getting in and it was impossible to stay by each other’s side. Dan felt lost in the middle of all the students, trying to help out whenever he could. A thrumming sense of fear shook up every single student, but no one faltered. They had a battle to fight, after all, and protecting the school was their main goal. They couldn’t get distracted, so everyone kept busy.

Dan didn’t even realize the moment he lost track of Phil. He didn’t realize his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen when spells started to fly through the air, the sounds like electricity through his veins as he tried to run for some cover.

He only realized he was alone when the space next to him in his hiding spot was painfully empty. And then all hell broke loose within the school grounds.

The sound of Dan’s heartbeat was too loud in his own ears as he ran, dodging stray spells thrown haphazardly around. The sound of things breaking, the yells of pain all around him mixed with the battle cries as spells cut through the air. Dan had only one goal: finding Phil. Nothing would stop him on his search, not even Death Eaters themselves.

He thought being a Slytherin meant caring only about himself. He thought he would be on the side of darkness. He thought there was something inherently wrong about him. And yet here he was, driven only by the will to find the one he wanted to protect the most. The one he couldn’t afford to lose.

The sound of his own footsteps in a mad run echoed around him as he dodged yet another spell. It looked like a nasty one as well, but he managed. The adrenaline kept him running. He didn’t quite know where he was going, but he knew this was not about saving himself only. This was about Phil and he couldn’t screw it up.

A yell came somewhere from his right and Dan saw a hufflepuff girl hitting the ground. At first he thought she was dead, but then he heard the sounds of pain she was making. The soft pleas for mercy as a smiling dark witch approached her, wand in hand.

Dan froze, looking between her and the path to safety. He could just run straight to the left and be safe. A better chance of finding Phil and getting his happy ending lay a few steps to the left, nothing blocking his path.

He knew that getting involved into the girl’s fight had a chance of getting him killed, but he also knew he couldn’t just let her die to save his own ass. Oh, fuck it, he thought, turning back and raising his wand.

“PROTEGO!”

A protection spell protected the girl’s body and the spell cast by the dark witch ricocheted back at her attacker, who hissed in pain. It wasn’t one of the forbidden curses - thank God, if it were, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to save her! - but it seemed to hurt the one who cast it.

The woman turned around, eyes aflame with rage and saw Dan standing there, doing the best he could to look brave. She looked at him for a second before laughter erupted from her chest as she pointed her wand at him.

“A Slytherin kid? Really?” she smirked, looking him up and down. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave now.”

“What if I don’t?” he shot back, angrily.

“Well, then it’s a pity to waste someone with a talent for greatness, but…” she smirked. “Someone’s gotta do it!”

He saw the light coming out of her wand, the energy of the spell coming toward him. He felt hyper aware of the fact he couldn’t dodge her spell this time. He heard the word ‘sectumsempra’ leave her lips, a few seconds before he felt the gashes in his chest. Dan cried out as the deep cuts made themselves known, pain flaring up at him. He saw someone run toward them and a spell hit the witch. She engaged in battle with someone else after that and seemed to forget about him.

“Howell, you alright?” a voice yelled at him. He looked over to see who had helped him. He couldn’t help but be surprised at finding Chris there on the other side of the wand.

“Y-yeah… I think so, thanks,” Dan answered, slightly dizzy from the adrenaline rush. He was so sure he was going to die, but here he was, still alive.

“I saw what you did for the girl. That was very brave of you, Dan,” he said, smiling at him. “I can tell I was wrong about you before. Are you looking for Phil?”

“Yeah, did you see him?” Dan asked, forgetting his own injuries. He had to concentrate on finding Phil and getting to safety later.

“Sorry, no,” he answered, grimacing. “But… I hope you find him and keep him safe, mate, I really do.” Patting his shoulder in farewell, the guy ran off into the battlefield, eager to find someone else he could help.

Dan didn’t waste any time after that. He broke into a run again, looking everywhere for Phil. He was more careful, taking cover wherever he could. The battle was still crazy and bodies started to litter the floor, the casualties of the war making themselves known. Dan avoided the faces, heart constricting at the thought of finding a familiar one between them. He just kept running, looking for the tall hufflepuff, hoping he would be alive and well. The alternative was too painful to contemplate.

Suddenly, Dan saw him: across the room, taking down someone with a spell, stood Phil Lester. Running toward him, Dan finally felt safety returning to his body. He felt like his legs would give out on him, but he ran even faster, trying to close the gap between himself and Phil. Phil’s okay, Dan thought, relief washing over him. We’re gonna get out of this mess.

When Phil’s eyes met his, he didn’t see the relief he was expecting, though. He saw surprise, closely followed by fear. The boy’s hand stretched out towards Dan, a strangled scream leaving his lips, an aborted warning for something Dan only realized was a threat a moment too late.

An unknown voice yelling “CRUCIO” was the last thing Dan heard before he hit the ground, agony like nothing he ever felt before hitting him like a train.

Then everything turned to black.

“NO!”

The scream was torn out of Phil’s chest as he watched Dan hit the ground, spasming in agony. Even with the sounds of all the other battles being fought, he could still hear Dan’s indiscriminate yells with absolute clarity, a sound he’d never heard before. It was a primal scream of pain and Phil felt it all in his own heart as he saw Dan’s body writhing on the floor.

“DAN!”

His own yells of the boy’s name resounded in his ears as he drew closer to the scene. Without a single second of hesitation, Phil managed to use a spell to disarm the wizard who was casting the curse on Dan. Before he could retaliate, someone else attacked the wizard and he dropped down. Phil didn’t even check to see if he was dead, but for the first time in his life he wished he was.

Falling to his knees next to Dan, Phil felt himself shake as he looked at his motionless body. After a few agonizing seconds, he noticed the boy was breathing, allowing himself to let out a sigh of relief. Still, Dan was unconscious in the middle of the crazy battle that raged on all around them and Phil had no idea in what state he would be in when he eventually woke up.

“Phil, what happen-?” Carrie called out at him, rushing to his aid. She froze when she saw Dan’s body on the floor, putting a hand in front of her mouth. “Oh my God! Phil, oh my God..” she was speechless, too shocked looking at what Phil presumed she assumed to be the boy’s corpse.

“He’s alive, Carrie,” Phil choked out, looking up at her as he grabbed Dan’s cold hand in his own, “but I need to get him out of here fast!”

“Oh,” she let out a sound of pure relief, snapping back into action after a deep breath. “Ok! I’ll cover both of you, just grab him and run toward the left side of the castle. There’s a secret spot nearby where you can both hide.”

“Thank you so much,” Phil said, and he meant it, picking Dan up bridal style and carrying him to safety. Carrie covered his back, deflecting the spells in their path. He was grateful for how good she was at what she did, running and shielding Dan with his own body as best as he could, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

When he finally managed to hide his and Dan’s tall frames into a narrow passageway, Phil thanked Carrie profusely and let her go back to the others. He knew he wouldn’t be able to leave Dan’s side, even though he wanted to help. He felt responsible for the younger boy, knowing that Dan wouldn’t even have been there in the first place if it weren’t for him.

He laid Dan’s head down on his lap, gently pulling his fringe out of his face and stroking his hair. He was startled when, seconds later, Dan groaned low in his throat, moving his head to the right. He was coming around!

“Dan? Bear?” Phil called, softly, guiding him back to consciousness.

“Hhhhmmphh… Phil?” he mumbled, followed by a whimper as Phil shushed him and tried to keep him still.

“Sssh, Dan. You’re okay,” he whispered. “But you need to be really still right now.”

The boy’s brown eyes opened and he looked up, letting out a huge breath of relief as the first thing in his line of sight was Phil, who was looking down at him with the saddest look in his eyes. Dan’s brow furrowed in confusion, not knowing where he was or why. Then the pain all over his body made itself known and he remembered exactly why. Just the memory of the agony he went through made him shiver, suddenly feeling very cold. He hissed in pain, grabbing Phil’s hand, wanting to feel him there.

“How are you doing, bear?” Phil used the sweet nickname from his childhood and he couldn’t help but give him a little smile.

“B-better now,” Dan replied, not realizing how weak and shaky his own voice sounded until he heard it. Clearing his throat, hurt from all the yelling, he licked his lips nervously.

“You have no idea how worried I was, Dan.”

“Yeah, same,” he replied, smiling up weakly at Phil. “We’re okay, though, right?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” Phil replied, sneakily drying up the tears Dan didn’t realize were staining his boyfriend’s cheeks until now. “Does it really hurt?”

“Not so much now. I’m just really sore. And there are some wounds in my chest from another spell that hit me before I found you,” Dan said, deciding that honesty was always the best strategy in these occasions. No use pretending to be stronger than he was.

“Good. That’s a relief,” Phil mumbled back, shaking his head. “I was really scared out there when I saw you…” he stopped, clenching his fist in anger. He ran a hand through his own hair, messing it up in his nervousness. “I’m really happy to see you again, bear.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Phil,” the younger boy replied, grunting as he tried to get up from his lap. “Now help me up, please?”

Phil rushed to his aid, carefully supporting his body until he was in a sitting position. There wasn’t much space for their tall frames, so they ended up pressed close together, Dan’s head rested on Phil’s chest and he tried to catch his breath. He wasn’t fit for fighting right now and that much was obvious. Phil carefully put his arm around him, hugging him to his chest and resting his chin on top of his head.

The noises continued outside of their safe nest. But as Phil held Dan in his arms again, thankful for the fact that he still had him, he felt the boy’s breath get deeper and he realized the boy had fallen asleep on his arms. He finally allowed himself to let the tears fully fall then, rocking them both slightly in comfort.

He promised himself that if they got out of that war alive, he wouldn’t be afraid of telling people how he felt about the boy in his arms ever again. The one who, he was now positive, he loved more than life itself and would do anything to protect.

It took them a long while to leave the safety of their hiding spot. When they finally did, they were met with the sounds of triumph. That’s when they knew the war had been won. Moving toward the source of the noise, Dan leaning on Phil’s shoulder because of the weakness he felt from the curse, they were met with a heartwarming scene: Harry Potter was being hugged and celebrated by everyone around. The battle had been won and both of the boys heaved a huge sigh of relief at this knowledge.

As soon as they were spotted by them, Phil’s friends ran over to hug him tightly. Phil let go of Dan for a little while, relieved by seeing all of his friends all alive and well. Dan just observed him, a smile of pride in his face.

Chris told Phil about Dan’s little act of heroism in the battlefield and Phil looked at the boy next to him, heart swelling with contentment. Dan just shrugged and shyly mumbled something about it being ‘the least he could do, really.’

Louise also found them and hugged Dan so tightly that he had to ask her to stop because of the pain. Flustered, she let him go and told him about how worried she had been all along for not bumping into him. She convinced herself he had left, but she knew that he wouldn’t without Phil.

As everyone went back inside the castle to celebrate the victory, forgetting all about house divisions in their victory meal, Dan and Phil stayed behind for a bit to have an important conversation that was way past due.

When Phil asked if Dan wanted to tell people about them being together now that things had changed, he expected to be met with reluctance or resistance from the boy’s part. All he got was relief and the brightest dimpled smile ever, as the boy breathed out a relieved ‘yes’ and threw himself at Phil, hugging him excitedly and telling him how much he loved him.

When they entered the castle again and sat down to eat with their friends, Phil just smiled at Dan and raised an eyebrow, a silent question in his eyes. Dan nodded and Phil gently pulled him close, mindful of his injuries, and kissed him passionately in front of everyone. Their coming-out gesture was met with the happy cries of ‘I knew it’ from Louise, the happy cheers from Carrie and PJ. They were also met with Chris’ moan and complaint of ‘get a room, you two’, even though they noticed he was also smiling.

They just smirked and Dan gave them a cheeky wink before pulling Phil by the tie roughly and kissing him deeply, giving them a real show. He forgot about everyone else in the room as their friends groaned, leaving them to it and moving away to eat more food and talk to other friends, giving them some privacy.

In each other arms, the boys celebrated surviving what would later be called the Battle of Hogwarts. It would go down in history as one of the biggest moments in the wizarding world. But what made them even happier was the thought that they were finally free to be together whenever they wanted to.

Phil was positive his friends hated them already. No, it wasn’t about Dan; they warmed up to Dan pretty quickly - ironically, Chris ended up loving his sense of humor and hung out with him a lot during the following year.

The problem was how they were always all over each other - earning them more than a few visits to Mcgonagall’s room as she scolded them for too much PDA during class. Even Louise, their biggest shipper, would sometimes make fun of them for it and complain about how joined at the hip they were these days.

The thing was they were finally free to be the people they always were. They could finally hold hands while walking down the school hallways and kiss each other in front of other people. They could finally hang out together without people judging. They never even cared about the jokes anymore or the ugly looks from people who just didn’t understand that their differences made them stronger. They were finally ready to go on this journey together, hand-in-hand, as it should always had been.

They were inseparable after that: Dan and Phil, stronger than ever. The other couples in Hogwarts envied how close they were. They never had serious fights and were always laughing, lost in their own little world.

These were their happiest days at Hogwarts, and whenever Dan and Phil looked back at these moments in their history together, it was always with fond smiles and a sweet melancholy feeling from some of the best years they’d had together so far.

Now Dan was packing his things, ready to leave the school once and for all. He would always remember Hogwarts and all the amazing things he conquered there. His life was turned upside down in the wizarding school and there was nothing he was more grateful for in life than that single chapter. He wanted to make the next ones even better. He missed Phil deeply every single day, ever since the boy had finished his studies the previous year. But he knew they had amazing plans and he couldn’t be happier with how life had turned out so far.

He remembered the kid that first went through the gates: scared, shy, regretful. He also remembered his fear of being a Slytherin after the sorting. More than anything, he fondly remembered the also very young boy who approached him and made him feel safe and loved like no one else ever did. He remembered the threat of evil looming over him at the time as he cried himself to sleep, thinking he was somehow sentenced to evil.

He looked back on it and laughed now. He laughed at how much he let it affect him. When he finally embraced who he was and saved that Hufflepuff girl in the battlefield - he later learned she survived, thanks to him - Dan realized that there was no reason to doubt himself at all. Just like Phil told him, all those years ago.

Smiling to himself, the boy got into the Hogwarts express, back to platform 9 ¾.

As he reached his destination, Dan knew he would finally be home. Home was now the muggle world, full of possibilities. Home was the thrill of adventure in a world devoid of magic, away from all of his parents expectations and his so-called potential. Fuck all that, he never needed anyone to dictate his future! Home had a name and a distinct smile he was dying to see again.

As he threw his bags on the ground at the platform and ran toward the tall boy, whose arms were outstretched to him, he was once again reminded of what home felt like. Dan threw himself into his partner’s arms, hugging him as tightly as possible. He just knew his life was destined for greatness. That much they got right. But not for the reason others assumed.

As they walked back to muggle-world England hand-in-hand, Dan knew there was nothing to fear ever again. He was listening to Phil talking nonstop to him, excitedly telling him all about the apartment he’s got for them to share and all the little things that were now theirs. He also enthused about his newfound career on a certain website called Youtube, which Dan still had to learn about. He just smiled hugely at Phil, excited about what the future held for them.

He just knew that he would never miss a thing as long as he had Phil by his side, not even magic. Because this was what he called home.

Feeling Phil pull him into a sprint, Dan laughed loudly and yelled about how unfit he was and how unfair it was to make him exercise, contradicted by his dimpled smile and sparkling eyes. They ran off together into the beautiful sunny day, laughs echoing through the streets. Going away side-by-side to their new adventures.

Yeah, they would be just fine.

A/N: Fuck, I’m so emotional about this! It was a wild journey to write this story and a big dream of mine. I hope you love it as much as I loved writing it. Please let me know what you think, feedback is the loveliest thing I can ever receive! I also would like to thank my lovely beta and artist for all the love put into this big project. ILY for your infinite patience when even I didn’t think I could finish it on time! Alas, here it is and I love it. :D I wouldn’t change a single thing.