#patrick melton

FAVOURITE SLASHER FILMS

"Why didn't you listen to me? I told you to stay with me!"

WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK

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The slick slasher sequel ‘The Collection’ sliced its way into theaters this day 10 years ago. 💀🔫🔥

So there HAS to be 3 of them right???

Like they spent time in foster care together and loved bugs. Formed their very own Entomology of the Dark Arts Club. (can I join?) I will lose my cool if they kill off My Boy in the first few minutes. About me: I AM DOWN WITH THE THICCNESS. Why are they in jail and why is Arkin handcuffed. How else can they explain the drastic changes in The Collector if there isn’t 3? (besides the boring “we went bigger”) Arkin straight up looked at The Collector in the first movie Exhibit A

This is not a large white man. This is The Collector: El Caliente. Then we get this Magnificent Beast

I call him The Collector: Thicc & Plenty. I just want him to break me in half.

And now we have this..

I’m still working on a name...I know what the actor looks like...and the only thing I can come up with is... The Collector: Point Break Like there is a drastic change in Thiccness and I’m not happy. But his voice is hella sexy, so there’s that. But I want miss the Thicc. There being 3 pleases me if they can tie it in well. I was super excited when I saw The Collector and low and behold, a non white killer. It was a nice change to the norm. But when I saw The Collection, I liked the Thicc. Fuck, him coming down that elevator shaft. That did me in. Also him on the beam watching everyone..and the dogs and gun scene. Fuck me. I would be super stoked if Marcus and Patrick were able to keep Juan and Randall a secret. That would make my ever loving day. Plot: The other 2 charging in to rescue Thicc & Plenty from the angry pretty man, even after he burnt down their Murder Hotel . He would obviously be the youngest. El Caliente pissed off at little bro because he lost Arkin. TWICE. But secretly impressed with Arkin’s ability to throw T&P into a trunk and load it onto his pickup all by himself. Arkin was a good choice. I will be angry if Arkin is not Final Boy. Basically I want 3 murder husbands. Am I the only one who would want 3?? I just really loved Juan and Randall’s performances and it would be nice to see them all. Murder Orgy. Sign me the fuck up.

Also: A BABY BOY

If you haven’t read Alvin Schwartz’s Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, you may walk into the film with the wrong impression. This is horror aimed towards children. It’s frightening, disturbing and macabre but don’t expect to wet your pants in terror like you did in The Conjuring. It’s loads of scary fun with great-looking monsters, likable characters, engaging little stories and a narrative that weaves these beloved tales together well.

On Halloween night, 1968, best friends Stella (Zoe Colletti), Auggie (Gabriel Rush) and Chuck (Austin Zajur) prank school bully Tommy Milner (Austin Abrams) and barely evade his retribution thanks to Ramón (Michael Garza). They continue the night’s festivities by exploring the home of long-deceased Sarah Bellows, whom they say told scary stories to children before they'd mysteriously disappear. When Stella begins reading Bellows’ book, she's horrified to discover all of them are characters within it.

Directed by André Øvredal, the movie adapts a selection of the many stories you probably best remember for the nightmarish charcoal and ink illustrations by Stephen Gammell.  You’ll be blown away by how faithfully the monsters have been adapted for the screen. It’s as though the drawings have been brought to life. The scenes with The Pale Lady unsettled me most of all. The use of colour and camerawork in those scenes are not the kind you expect to see in a children’s film - they’re of a higher caliber.

Originally, The Big Toe, Me Tie Dough-ty Walker!, Harold The Dream, and The Haunted House weren’t connected but they are here is ingenious. It bypasses the curse of anthology films by skipping out on the “host” or “wraparound segment” altogether. Despite being aimed towards kids, don't expect SStTitD to take things easy. The characters lean a little bit towards the rascal-y but you like and sympathize with them, making the scenes when they’re in peril that much more effective. In most movies, you can count on the kids making it out alive. Not here.

I don’t usually grade on a scale when it comes to children’s movies. In this case, I’m making an exception. I had fun as an adult. Had seen this when I was 12, it would’ve been legendary. Deep down, many children like to be scared and this is the perfect way for them to get that rush of adrenaline. It's a more intense version of 2015's Goosebumps, the kind of movie you’ll watch every Halloween with your younger siblings and later, you children, nieces, and nephews. Grown-ups will get a few chills but no so many to prevent them from comforting their juniors during the more intense moments and there are plenty of reprieves to prevent Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark from becoming too intense. This one’s got legs, the long, spindly, slimy kind. (Theatrical version on the big screen, August 13, 2019)