I had a friend tell me when I was pregnant with my first baby: “You’ll know you’re a mum when you’re scrubbing poo out of your wedding rings.” So I went through my pregnancy telling myself “That will never happen to me. Surely not.” I was saved of this awful predicament, until this happened…

We were on holidays in Perth, staying with my folks. Before we left, Leon had a visit to the GP because his bowels weren’t working properly (I’ll leave it at that). Movicol was prescribed, so we thought we’d start him on it once we got to Perth. We diligently followed the instructions on the packet…

That same day we had family friends come over for a barbeque. I hadn’t seen my friend Erin in years. She’s a talented primary school teacher, and super-mum of three beautiful kids of a similar age to mine. She also has a very handsome husband (yes indeed). They’ve seemingly got their shit together too: well-behaved and impeccably-mannered kids, in addition to being incredibly fit and organised. In comparison, I felt like a frazzled, old, losing-my-shit-all-the-time parent with practically zero control over my feral kids.

I was giving Erin an update of all things family, work, etc., when I heard Leon crying hysterically. He was running towards me with an awkward, lopsided gait - his right hand down the back of his nappy. Then the unthinkable happened: he pulled his hand from his nappy and swiftly but surely wiped it down the front of my dress. Erin was horrified. I squealed. Leon screamed. I promptly led him to the bathroom.

Poo was everywhere, not just down the front of my dress. It was even in his hair (God knows how it got that far up his back). I put him in the shower recess to strip him off. I crouched down to take off his shorts and nappy when I felt Leon put his hand on my head - the same hand that was down the back of his nappy. “LEEEEEOOOON!” FFS! I could hear raucous laughter coming from outside the bathroom. I then had to take my lovely $25 Target dress off, smearing poo over the side of my face as it was a snug fit around the bodice.

All showered and dressed in fresh clothes, I re-joined the family gathering. They thought it was hilarious. “I’m never, ever having kids” said my youngest sister. “My ovaries just exploded and ran away” said my other sister. “You need a drink, Jo.” said my brother. And drink I sure did…whilst Leon proceeded to terrorise his sister and our young guests. Sensational.