#partsurrenderpartkickitsass

I've got a really big week ahead of me, but fortunately it's heralded by a day with nothing in particular to do: Sunday. This week brings a check-in appointment with the Plastic Surgeon and I still have NO IDEA when I want to have (another) surgery. It's daunting considering when to schedule and prepare for a 2-5 week period of downtime where I'll be incapacitated and need help with everything. Again. I also have the CT/PET scan which will light up my body and PRAYING, confirm there's no cancer in my body. And, a follow up w the local medical oncologist on a couple items. I've been dragging myself to the gym almost every other day and am so happy to say the pain in my hip has maybe entirely disappeared. My knee is still achey but that's probably because I'm (getting) old. And the lower back pain has eased up, too. I read that after chemo, being inactive can really increase the bone and joint pain and the best thing to do is exercise. Duh. *And*, it's been super hard to consistently get myself exercising over the last year since cancer treatment. Like, crazy hard due to all the downtime I've needed and all the lazy and tired I've felt. So, I'm going into the week excited, but nervous on the health front. Other things are going well. My girl is turning 11 really soon and that's exciting and will be fun. My CASA duties are picking up as I sat in on my first hearing for the case; it's super intense and a huge privilege to be able to be a critical representative of the little one who I'm assigned to and needs my advocacy. It's really bought up a host of feelings inside me from my own upbringing and let's just say, thank god I have the best EMDR therapist I meet with weekly, who not only helps me sort through the morass that is cancer treatment decisions, but also helps illuminate the dark and cavernous potholes of my psyche that occasionally throw me off course and taunt me with their old familiar song. I feel strong inside myself. Everything might not be exactly as I *want* it, but everything is perfect as it is. #wantowritemore #cancervivor #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #faith #shradda #everythingisasitshouldbe #trustlife (at Nevada County, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2JDcvVhR4O/?igshid=1uxbw3krjt703

Ohh, these bloodshot, tired eyes. I'm sitting in the Radiology waiting room waiting for a CT Scan of my chest area. Recently there's been blood in the phlegm when I clear my throat (I don't like saying 'coughing up blood' bc that's not actually accurate, but I think that's how it's described). I'm worried about it in a way that's kind of haunting me lately. I'm haunted by this *low platelet* phenomenon happening in my body. The cancer was one thing and the cancer treatments another, but what in the actual fuck is going on with my blood? Why the low platelets? I haven't gotten a great answer to this very simple and obvious question. My platelets dropped to 26 today. They were 68 a week ago. I hope they fall no further in the coming days. Tomorrow I drive to Stanford to meet with their hematology team. My oncologist in Grass Valley (who's also a hematologist) thinks they'll recommend having my spleen removed and I hope he's wrong because I want my spleen, even though I never gave a rip about it before they told me I have ITP. I'm fucking tired. Im tired of the hospital. I'm tired of doctors appointments. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want with my days from morning until night. I'm tired of having to sleep in uncomfortable positions and feeling a pressure in my chest. You're young they tell me. Really, bitches?! Because I feel like I'm 90. Sometimes I feel like I've lost the energy to keep standing tall and facing the unknown with Grace and Humor. I think I'm more in 'wait and see' mode, wondering which direction things are going to go. Will she spring back, or will she decline further? I don't feel like it's in my hands most of the time, if at all. I haven't given up on life by any means. But I'm definitely taken aback by this whole thing. All I know to do is keep doing my best to confront and address whatever is directly in front of me. Making plans has become a joke. I can no longer see the road ahead. I visualize my wellness and vibrance and hope those days will come. In the meantime I'm committed to only doing what I HAVE to and WANT to do. I know God's got my back, as always. #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #cancervivor (at Sierra Nevada Memorial Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0hTf7SBE95/?igshid=ha5ugnfqllvi