Love on the brain (Part 12)
Hey guys, this one gets a tad intense, hope you enjoy the chapter :D as always, sorry for any mistakes!
The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/42849599
“Guys do we have time to take a break? I really need to make a call.” Kelley asks stressed out. The meeting started really early in the morning and she hasn’t spoken to Alex for two and a half days.
“We really need to get this finished. It will only take a few more minutes. After that you’re free, if that’s okay with you?” one of the associates answers, distracted by some paper he’s reading.
“Yeah, sure…” Kelley answers defeated. However, minutes turn into hours and before she even realizes it, it got dark outside again. Kelley looks out the window of the conference room absentmindedly.
“KELLEY?” a loud voice yells.
“Hmm?” she says, turning her head quickly.
“Everything okay? I’ve been calling your name like 4 times.”
“Uhh, yes sorry. I just-“
“I know, we are tired too, but I know what will wake you up again.” one of her attorneys smiles.
“What will, Matt?” Kelley asks blankly.
“Tonight is the sponsor’s party! Good chance for you to talk to some people.” he says excitedly.
“I think I’ll pass on that.” Kelley grumbles.
“Actually, you can’t. It’s obligatory. They want to promote their product with this party. So you better put on a big smile.” Matt argues.
“Consider it done, Matt.” Kelley says, putting on a huge fake smile, which disappears immediately.
“I’m sorry, Kel. I know you should have stayed in New York, but this is a huge chance.”
“No, I know. And I really appreciate it. I’m sorry Matt. I know you had to leave your family as well. Thanks for your good work.”
“Don’t thank me for that. I’m happy to work for you and if I wasn’t, you’d still pay me.”
Kelley laughs out loud, causing Matt to chuckle. He’s happy to see her like that. Ever since Kelley arrived in LA, this is the first time he has seen her laugh, which is very untypical.
“I feel your pain. My wife wasn’t happy either, but you’re going to sort it out. You’re a good person, Kel.” he says, putting his hand on her shoulder and smiling at her sadly, before leaving the conference room.
“How many minutes until we leave?” Kelley yells after him, realizing that she is the only one in the room.
“Uber has been waiting outside for 10 minutes!” she hears him yell back. Kelley groans loudly, hitting her head against the desk, before jumping up to follow Matt.
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Alex is lying in bed, having a hard time finding any sleep. Kelley hasn’t reached out for more than two days, excluding the evening of their fight and it’s starting to get unbearable. Every single one of her thoughts revolves around Kelley and if she’s okay. Since she isn’t able to sleep anyway, Alex opens Instagram to pass some time. After 20 minutes or so, she refreshes the feed on more time, before meaning to close the App. That’s when Ken’s Instagram story pops up. Alex clicks on the button without hesitation and a video starts playing. However, she’s disappointed to see that it’s just a video of a party and Kelley isn’t in sight. Nonetheless, something catches her eye.
“Why is Ken at a BMW event?” Alex asks herself. She types BMW USA in the search bar and sees that they posted a story as well. The first video is showing the party and a few pictures of famous guests follow, which Alex taps on to skip them. After a few taps Kelley’s face appears on her display and she let’s out a deep breath of relieve, she didn’t know she was holding. Kelley looks really good, but also stressed and super tired, which she tries to hide with a gorgeous smile. A smile, which Alex knows is totally fake. It’s her media smile. The smile she perfected for days when she’s sick and has to do interviews or for the children, waiting in line for her to sign anything after lost games. A live video comes up, which was posted 25 minutes ago, showing a 360-degree view of the event and what Alex sees next must be some kind of sick joke. Her eyes begin to water with tears. The video shows Kelley standing at the bar with a drink in hand. Suddenly, a very beautiful woman approaches her and puts her arm around her, whispering something in her ear. Kelley looks at her and says something back, which makes the woman laugh in response. They then exchange a few words. Ultimately, the pretty blonde then leans in to whisper something in her ear again, pulling away and winking at Kelley. This time Kelley is the one to laugh, a genuine laugh, not a faked laugh and the video ends. Alex feels like throwing up and the tears are rolling down her face relentlessly. She locks her phone, not wanting to see the video again and tries to sleep, whishing she wouldn’t have opened the damn story. 15 minutes later, Alex’s sobs are interrupted by the buzzing of her phone. She blindly fishes for it and turns it around. Her heart aches when she reads the name on the screen. Kelley. Alex shakes her head and rejects her call, not wanting to talk to her. Just two seconds later her phone starts buzzing again, but she rejects it again. Kelley tries to call her non-stop and after the 6th time Alex picks up, but remains silent.
“Helloo? Alexx?” Kelley slurs. Her voice sounds totally drunk and desperate. Alex feels her eyes filling with tears again. The way Kelley is saying her name and her drunkenness making her feel sick to her stomach. Something must have happened and after seeing the video with the woman, Alex doesn’t even want to know.
“I don’t want to talk to you. Stop calling me.” Alex sobs and hangs up. Her phone immediately starts buzzing again. Kelley’s face appears on her screen, one of Alex’s favorite pictures of her, which she took herself. Seeing her smile only twists the knife, which is why she turns off her phone.
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Kelley feels more and more miserable every passing minute that she has to stay at the party. When people talk to her or photos are taken, she puts on the best fake smile she can muster up, knowing that no one is going to notice anyway. After some very important socializing, she takes a break from walking around and sits down at the bar.
“What can I do for you?” a man in a tuxedo asks her.
“Would you prefer a specific brand?”
“Just pour me the biggest glass you have of the one that has the most alcohol in it.” Kelley says numbly. The barkeeper stops and looks at her for a second, but continues nonetheless.
“As you wish.” he says professionally. When the glass is put in front of her, Kelley takes a sip, feeling the liquid burn in her throat. She looks at the glass briefly and then puts it to her mouth again, downing it in one go.
“I need another one. And could you do me a favor and just keep them going?” she asks the barkeeper, who nods shortly. A few glasses later, Kelley still sits at the bar, drink in hand, staring through the room with dull, glazed eyes, her jaw tightened. She feels the alcohol kicking in and the pain in her chest starts to feel a little less heavy, as well as her thoughts, which begin to drive her completely insane. The taunting voices in her head getting quieter with every sip. Suddenly, she feels an arm around her shoulder.
“What’s up, not having fun?” the woman whispers empathically. Kelley looks at her and sees that it’s Linda, who works for BMW and initiated the whole sponsoring and partnership. Kelley gives her a tightlipped smile, a real one, but still one that looks piteous.
“Yeah, no. Aawesome party, thankss Linda. But I reeally miss my fiancée. I didn’t leave on ssuch good terms. I think I ffucked up royally. Ssorry, that was inappropriate.”
She tries to sound as sober as possible. After she already screwed up with Alex, she doesn’t want to screw up the sponsorship as well. Linda laughs loudly.
“That’s okay. If I’m honest, I really hate those people, who pretend like they’re robots just because I made them sign a contract with me. You seem to be a good person, Kelley.”
“That’s the ssecond time I heard that today and I ccertainly didn’t act like it a ffew daays ago.” Kelley mentions with a self-loathing chuckle.
“I think you should talk to her as soon as possible. When my husband and I fight over long distance, it always gets worse without communication. I’m sure your fiancée will forgive you eventually.”
“Yeah…thanks.” Kelley smiles sadly.
“Okay and now go to your hotel.”
“Whaaat? Nooo, this par-ty is to promote the product, I sshhould be sstaying.”
“Kelley, I’m the boss here. Trust me, you should go.”
Kelley looks at her skeptically, which causes Linda to come closer and whisper into her ear again.
“These parties suck anyway, I’m just waiting to go home to my husband and kids.” Linda winks at her, when she pulls away. Kelley laughs loudly, throwing her head back, a genuine laugh, not a faked laugh.
“Thh-anks Linda. For everything.” Kelley smiles at her. Linda nods at her.
“The pleasure is ours.” she says, holding out her hand for Kelley to shake. Kelley stands up and shakes Linda’s hand, but before she can leave Linda stops her.
“I think you should leave that here.” she says, pointing to the glass in Kelley’s hand that’s still full of whiskey.
“Yyou’re right…I sshhould.” Kelley nods meaningfully and leaves.
“I think you saved her from an awful morning, Linda.” the barkeeper says.
“Oh no, that’s all you. Thanks for telling me, Parker.” Linda says to the barkeeper.
On her way out Kelley smashes into someone.
“Keeelley, I searched for you everywhere! How are you?”
“Ken!! Duuude, fin-ally yyou’re here. Wwere you able to-“
Ken holds up a box in response, which makes Kelley calm down. When Matt told her that Ken wouldn’t be in LA for another day, Kelley immediately instructed Matt to tell Ken to somehow buy her a new phone and bring it to LA as soon as humanly possible.
“Ken, yyyou’re a legend!”
“Kelley? Are you drunk? You smell like an alcoholic.”
“Alexx nd I got into a ffight.”
“Oh, so that’s why she called me.”
“Sshe called you? Duude, I have to get to my h-hotel room and ffind my SIM card.” Kelley slurs, pushing past him and jogging towards the exit.
“What? Hey Kelley wait!!!” Ken calls after her, but she is already too far away. Kelley sprints to her hotel room, which is further away than she initially thought. Much further. After a 30-minute spontaneous intoxicated marathon, Kelley arrives in front of her hotel room out of breath. She fumbles for her keys and opens the door hectically, starting to rummage through her stuff to find her old phone. After a few minutes, the new phone finally is ready and starts buzzing non-stop. Hundreds of missed calls and messages appear on her display, most of them from Alex and they’re not very happy messages. Kelley scrolls through them, reading things like: ‘I HATE YOU!!’, ‘You can sleep on the couch for the next year!!’ and ‘I miss you, I’m sorry.’, followed by ‘You can kiss my fucking ass Kelley O’Hara!!!”.
Kelley hastily dials Alex’s number.
“Pick up, pick up, pick up!!” she prays, but feels her heart sink, when her call gets rejected. She dials again and again, not giving up.
“C-ome on, Alexxx. Don’t llleave me hangin’” she slurs. That’s when Alex actually picks up, but all Kelley hears is silence.
“Helloo? Alexx?” Kelley slurs desperately, surprised that she actually picked up.
“I don’t want to talk to you. Stop calling me.” Alex sobs with a heartbreaking voice and hangs up. Kelley feels her heart tear into pieces.
“No, no, no, no.” she says, quickly dialing the number again and again, but Alex is not picking up. Just moments later her next call goes to voicemail.
“FUCK!!!” Kelley yells, knowing that she turned her phone off. She punches her first into the mattress repeatedly. She slides down the edge of the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. That’s when her body starts shaking, as the tears roll down her face. The voices begin to set in again. They’re getting louder and louder with each passing second.
‘You’re not good enough for her. Can’t you see what you did?’
“Stop it Kelley.” she whispers to herself desperately, but the voices keep on going. She puts her hands over her ears, the tears streaming down her face and dropping onto her shirt.
‘You hurt her. She’s crying because of you. Suffering, because of you. What can you offer her?’
“Fucking stop it!” she says louder, pressing her hands to her ears tighter. She closes her eyes and scrunches up her face in utter despair, rocking back and forth.
‘You’re stupid enough to think she wants you? She doesn’t even want you to call her! She’s better off without you, happier!’ the voices getting deafening loud. Kelley bites her teeth together.
‘What are you going to do next? Hit her instead of the wall? You’re dangerous. Get your temper under control for once.’
“NO!!! I won’t ever!!!! I will never do that!! I’ll change!!! Please, just make it stop.” Kelley yells loudly, letting out heartbreaking sobs.
‘Look at you. Who could love you? Drinking away your pain. You’re piteous, you’re nothing. She fucking hates you’
“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!” Kelley screams earsplittingly, as if in enormous pain and suddenly everything goes black.
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Kelley wakes up with a jolt. There is hectic movement around her and she hears loud beeping. She gasps for air. There is a mask sitting on her face. Her eyes wander around panicked. Everything is blurry and the voices around her are getting louder and louder. She tries to focus her eyes really hard, so she can see clearly. Her breathing is speeding up and her chest feels like something is pushing a huge amount of weight onto her. She moves her arms to try to get rid of the weight that has been placed there, but her hands just feel her shirt. Where is this pressure coming from?
“It’s okay, Kelley. Please try to stay calm. I’m Dr. Collins. You’ll be fine.” an unfamiliar voice tells her. Kelley nods panicked, her heartrate speeding up. She can feel her heartbeat pulsing in her ears and her breathing picks up even more. The voices that were loud and clear just seconds ago, start turning into muffled sounds and before Kelley can say anything, everything turns black again.
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This time waking up feels a lot calmer. A soft and steady beeping and no movement at all. Kelley opens her eyes and after blinking a few times, she can see clearly again. She is met with Ken looking at her with pity in his eyes.
“Kel?” he asks carefully.
“Where-where am I?” Kelley asks confused and disoriented, her voice hoarse.
“You’re in the hospital.”
“What?? What happened??” she asks with a weak voice.
“I found you hyperventilating in your hotel room. I followed you, because I thought something was off. You had a nervous breakdown caused by sleep deprivation and stress. Plus drinking your own weight and not eating anything for over two days doesn’t really go together perfectly.”
“Jesus Christ.” Kelley puffs out, looking up at the ceiling overwhelmed.
“Please don’t tell me you called Alex.”
“Nooo!” she groans, closing her eyes.
“I did, but she didn’t pick up, her phone must have been turned off.”
“Jesus, thank god!” she exhales.
“I left a message though.”
“Ugghh, damn it! I hope you didn’t call TMZ as well.” Kelley jokes sarcastically.
“Kelley that’s not funny. What’s wrong with you? That’s not you.”
“No Ken, that’s exactly me.” Kelley says bitterly.
“What are you talking about?!”
“It is. That’s me without Alex.” Kelley says looking at Ken frustrated.
“No, it isn’t. Kelley, I know you for 3 and a half years and I’ve never seen you like this. That was brutal.”
“I know.” Kelley nods soberly. Ken throws her a worried look.
“Ken, I am nothing without her.”
“That’s such bullshit, you were someone before her.”
“Yes, I was. I was an empty shell. Always laughing, but never feeling it. I didn’t like, who I was before her and I don’t want to become that again. Because that’s who you saw. Someone, who doesn’t care, someone, who is reckless, someone, who does those self-destructive things. I know it may seem like she caused that. But, Ken, she didn’t. It’s her absence that caused that and that’s my fault, I pushed her away.”
Ken looks at her pensively. Kelley looks back intensely, stressing her next words with an urgency that underlines the importance of them.
“Ken, listen. This. Is. My. Fault. Do you understand?”
Ken nods understandingly, his forehead creased. The importance of what Kelley is trying to say sinking in.
“Before Alex and I got close, my mom regularly found me with those nervous breakdowns, because I just felt numb and I wanted to feel something so desperately. Whenever I had a breakdown, those voices started in my head, telling me that I was worth nothing. And when Alex and I got closer it stopped. From one day to the next, it just stopped. The last time that happened was when I was 21. This has never happened when we got into a fight. I guess, I thought I lost her for good and it triggered these old patterns. Ken, I know I found something greater in Alex, I found purpose. She gave me the strength to realize, who I was and who I wanted to become. So, I continued to work on myself and it made me a better person. She made me and continues to make me feel, which is something I didn’t know how to do properly. So, don’t tell me that this is wrong. You don’t understand what she means to me and how she makes me feel. She makes me want to constantly work on becoming the most perfect girlfriend, fiancée and hopefully wife in this entire world, because that’s what she deserves and that’s what she is to me. But there are days I will fail and I just had a few of them.”
“Well, sounds like I should tell the doctor you suffer from love on the brain.” Ken smiles.
“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Kelley smiles.
