#parkinglotthoughts

Right now I feel alone. Though I know I have people there but there’s either one, my family who don’t quite know how to listen, and two, people I’m afraid to open up to because I’m scared of scaring them off.

I have feelings towards someone but my crippling fear of rejection has pushed me to the point where even intoxication doesn’t even give me the courage to tell her how I feel. I’m afraid of any kind of affection towards her because I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. I’m afraid of talking to much because I don’t want to overwhelm her because I’m an E while she is an I.

I broke into tears today at work because I got to thinking “if I get everyone to hate me or make them afraid of me I could just disappear without anyone caring.” But what scared me was it wasn’t the thought of just disappearing, it was the thought of making it permanent. I’ve seen what someone taking their life does and the main thing that makes the problem linger is that there were people that cared. And for me to find a solution to make it fine or at least in my opinion fine, scared me.

But what all triggered it was that I have feeling for someone. To the point where I go through physical and emotional withdrawals after spending time with this person. And people keep telling me “ask her out” because it’s just so easy for them. But for me it’s not. Just look at this. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m posting on Tumblr because I have no followers. I guess this is what she meant by she doesn’t want anyone she knows in real life to follow her on Tumblr. Because its a safe space. I want her to be happy and it scares me of the idea that she’s not around me. It scares me that even the idea that Es and Is don’t really work together is a thing.

But the poisonous part of all of it is that I don’t want to die from some freak of nature (sleep, stroke, heart attack, or car accident) and she doesn’t know. But if that ever did happen and she doesn’t know, I wouldn’t want her to know because I would never want her to blame herself.

I’m fucked up I know. I can’t even manage to keep a fucking simple relationship. I always either focus too much on one person or I don’t focus enough attention on the others. I need just to be held. Not in any sensual way but to be held by someone who cares. I need someone to hold me as I cry and just let it all come out. And people respond with “ cuddle your cat” when I know damn well that doesn’t fucking work. It’s not the same as a real person.

I listen to the song by tame impala “the less I know” and it scares me but i enjoy it so therefore I torture myself because the idea of her with someone else scares me too. Then I listen to “little black submarines” by the black keys to get it out. And then I listen to “left hand free” by alt j to feel better again.

I want to push away from my family because simply I don’t want to care about them anymore. I simply want to say “fuck you for fucking me up and making me this way” and slam the door and leave forever because though they made me for the good. They made the bad parts of me such as these feelings I have. I’m an asshole, I’m a loser, I’m a creep ( no I’m not trying to quote a song) I’m a freak, I’m fucked up but I don’t let those fucked up thoughts out so therefore in societies eyes I’m a STANDUP FUCKING CITIZEN!!!! FUCK SOCIETY AND THE GODDAMN PRESSURE THEY PUT ON ME AND EVERYONE ELSE FROM THE IMPORTANCE OF MONEY TO THE EXISTENCE OF WAR AND RELIGION TO THE STANDARDS THEY PLACE ON RELIGION!!!

She told me something that I’ve couldn’t stop thinking about “space is gay”. Which I think is a funny statement because though we would see it as yes space IS gay but from an expanded view space is average. Being gay or bi isn’t an accepted by some even though just about every other species fucks each other.

Also makes you realize just How small you are in this universe. Or rather this place we call earth.