#paradoxical existence

I grew up in a country where “Paradox” defines us, on all levels!

We have 18 Religious communities.

You can swim in the sea and just 30km away go skiing.

…Have a beach party where women are in a bikini, and just across the street, a woman in a burka praying.

…You can move from a very luxurious street in Beyrouth to a very popular, in just one 1 min by car.

…One side of a building could be destroyed since the civil war, and the other side is renovated to be high-end apartments and luxury shops.

A schizophrenic, a bipolar country with so many paradoxical facets, that its chaos was imprinted on us and became ours, incarnated deep inside. It made our fathers leave so we can eat and study, survive and not live. Hence, living became an uncomprehensive/alienated concept that we seek by also leaving the country ourselves!

We become aliens, wandering Lebanon and foreign countries… I have become one!

Well, I was one – this alien- since I started having consciousness of this life, since my childhood. But the fact of admitting it took me 30 years of my life. Seeking fulfillment, seeking happiness, seeking “the belonging” we all need and want from this life.

At a certain point in my life, when I was 28 years of age, I said to a friend fulfillment and home (the belonging) are not related to a place, a physical one.  It is a feeling that you hold inside of you, that each holds inside and needs to be triggered, stimulated, thus projected onto the space around us. That is home!

It does not matter where you are, you create your own.

Having said that, at that moment and period of my life, I thought I could create a home out of Byblos, Beyrouth my lovely capital, Lebanon.

Unfortunately, my country betrayed me, betrayed every single Lebanese living in Lebanon or abroad. That is just the biggest disloyalty ever!

I will always have Lebanon in my heart! Just my heart!

Our country is like our family, we cannot choose it, we can never give up on it or deny its existence. However choosing to leave it and go to a new country is like marriage, you choose your partner, and you stick to it for better or for worst!

Her existence was an odd one Certainly, and she was aware It was just how it was

She lead her existence by Paradox and so her mannerisms were such Paradoxical

She had much to say Yet, she'd remain silent

She was expressive Yet, she remained stoic

She wanted connection But, just as she wanted it, She quite as easily feared it

If she didn't outright hate it

She could be social However, she was often aloof Keeping to herself

She had much to do Yet, she often Complained of being bored

She despised loud noises Yet, she could be loud It was ironic, really.

She could forgive Yet, she often thought of revenge Fleeting moments of relapse

And remission

She could be as cold as ice Yet, she warmed and scorched like fire

She could be fond of babies But she hated the idea of having them

She was young Yet, her mind didn't match her age

She was rooted in reality But she preferred endless daydream

She had much logic But she could disregard that In favor of instinct

She had much life Yet, she mused on mortality

She could remember Yet, she was very forgetful

She was candid Yet, she loved secrecy

She preferred peace Yet, she easily allowed chaos

She was awake during the day But she much preferred  the night

She could progress But she'd often regress

She was cynical But, somehow, she seemed optimistic

Some things she wanted to know At the same time, some things she'd Prefer to have forgotten

She knew what injustice was But conditioned to accept it

She lived her existence In contradiction, cognitive dissonance, double-think Some might consider this

Odd, disorganized, chaotic.

But that was how it was Something that was And couldn't be changed