#paraderek

They were home, and everything she’d taken advantage of before, she appreciated it so much more now. Her shower, her bath tub (even though she couldn’t take one yet), her bed. Her dog, God she had missed Molly, her couch. She missed the sounds of her kids bickering, even. God, she’d missed it all, and having it back was amazing. 

“I told you to stop making me laugh,” Allie says through her laughter, holding the pillow to her abdomen. “It still makes me feel like my insides are going to fall out,” She says, managing to stop after Meredith had finished a hilarious story of one of her most recent patients. She gets up from the couch, taking a sip of water. “She’s going to have to eat soon,” Allie says to Derek, who had been holding Evelyn for the past hour. “Just a warning.” 

Everyone had recovered from the bug that had hit both of their family’s. No kids were sick, and schedules had matched up which had brought them together for a routine, but sometimes few and far between, family dinner. The kids were all playing throughout the living room, they’d just finished dinner, and Allie had just left the kitchen. Evan was finishing loading the dishwasher aided by Derek, and she took a seat on the couch near Meredith, picking up her glass of wine as she did. She was nervous, stomach in knots. The sudden inspiration she’d had in the past few months had given way, with the help of the foundation coordinator, to this event. The first one to raise money for the foundation, to really open in. The invitations had gone out, which meant they had to clue Meredith and Derek in. 

He’s playing Candy Crush on his iPad when the call comes in, and his stomach drops. Hotch. Hotch calling directly couldn’t be good. Sighing, Spencer slides his finger across the screen to answer the call, already trying to figure out how to tell Jack he had to go on a case. 

“Spencer,” he says, coming into focus. “How are you?” 

“Aaron,” Spencer nods. “Good...pretty good. Things are...leveling out. How are you? How’s things over there?” 

“Same old same,” Hotch says, but he can tell it’s a lie. Hotch sighs, shaking his head. “Everyone is fine. We’ll actually be seeing you soon.” 

Spencer shuts his eyes, sighing. “Where do you need me?” He asks, looking to the side table next to the sofa, the photo of Jack and himself. He hates the thought of having to go again right now, when things were finally settling out, scaring him. 

“Nowhere, Hill...we’re coming to you. We got word this morning...the Wright trial will begin in March.” 

The name makes him stop, freeze. Wright. Janice Wright...Abby...Meredith. Three years had passed, but with a federal case that was something of a short turnaround time. Janice Wright had been locked up in the SeaTac Federal Detention Center, the asylum wing. They’d been waiting and waiting, as it went through hoop after hoop. And now it was finally going to trial. 

“It’s taking place in the Seattle Federal court...Abigail Shepherd was the only child she took across state lines, making it a federal case. The other charges were extradited to Seattle.”

“Have the families been alerted?” Spencer asks after a moment of silence. 

“It was done today. Except one...I thought you might want to pass the news to the Shepherds.”

Spencer nods slowly, running a hand through his hair. “Yea. I will.” 

“You know they will call you as a witness, Spencer.” 

He nods again, slowly. He was paid to be an expert witness all the time, with his expertise in psychiatry and criminology. With cases like these, though, cases they were involved with, it wasn’t a paid gig. “Yea,” He finally says. 

“We’ll be arriving a few days before the start of the trial, to go over everything with the DA. We’re staying at the hotel near the hospital, and we’ll be off case duty for the duration. The other team is taking over main catches,” Aaron tells him. “I’ve got to run, we have a debriefing...I’ll let you know more when I do,” He states. 

“I will. Thanks for the heads up...talk to you soon, Aaron,” Spencer states, waving until the call ends. He settles back into the sofa shutting his eyes. He can see the woman, holding the little girl clearly. Hear the conversation, feel the little girl in his arms as he takes her from Janice, shielding her with his body as he turns away, quick to get her away from that woman as JJ cuffs her. He can see the tents covering the dug up patches of dirt, the tattered shirt that Allison Bradford had described to him. He can see Meredith’s face, when he first got here. The constant pain. 

Straightening up, he grabs his phone, opens a message to Jack and sends it. Hope you’re out of surgery soon. Dinner is made, plate in the fridge for you. Be home as soon as I can...have to go talk to Meredith and Derek. Just got word from Hotch. Trial for Janice Wright starts next month. 

He opens one to Meredith, but is unsure what to even say. So he takes a chance, and just grabs his wallet and keys, leaves and locks the house, and gets in the car. It’s past 8:30, but if there’s no light on he won’t try. It takes fifteen minutes to drive to the Shepherd’s property and up the long drive, but luckily there are lights on. He parks, tries to make the ache in his chest go away, and gets out. 

It’s slow today. She doesn’t dare say it out loud, because despite the boredom, she’s enjoying the slow day. Her back is killing her, her ankles are swollen and feet hurt, and she’s enjoying the time. In a lull, after she’d delivered one baby and gotten everything in order for that, she finds herself in her office, thinking of the man a few floors below. Charlie. 

Allison finds herself standing up, leaving her office, and going to the elevator. She doesn’t go to his room, but follows the path to Derek’s office. She’s not sure he’ll even be in there, and when she arrives there, he isn’t. Frowning, she sighs, turning down the hall to head back to her own office. About halfway down, she hears a voice calling out, “Al?” Turning around, she sees Derek, having approached his office from the other end of the hall. “What’re you doing up here?” He asks as she heads back, and she shrugs a little. “I was looking for you.” 

Derek’s face tells her he expected this, but he nods, unlocking his office door and opening it, letting her go in in front of him. “Have a seat. Want water?” He asks, gesturing to the water dispenser he’d always had in there. “Nah,” Allie says, reaching behind her to carefully sit down on the sofa, Derek going over to help her. “I’ll just have to pee it out in 5 minutes. Thanks though,” She says. Derek nods, sitting beside her, and there’s a silence for a moment. 

“Meredith told you, didn’t she?” Allie asks quietly, looking over at him. 

“She did,” Derek says slowly. “And I had a nurse get the scans from him.”

“And?” 

Derek sighs, leaning back against the couch, turning to look at her. “It’s a very large, intricate tumor of the parietal lobe. I’m not surprised the doctors told him it would be inoperable. I would need updated scans to see if it’s grown. But it looks like a fast growing tumor,” He tells her carefully. 

Allie blinks, looking forward. “Fast growing...so it’s not something that’s been there a long time?” 

“I don’t think so, no.” 

She’s silent for a moment, turning to look back at him. “Could you get it out?”

“It’s possible. I couldn’t guarantee he’d survive it, but most people aren’t put off by that when they’re dying anyways.” 

“Would you do it?” 

Derek looks at her, tilting his head. He reaches out, gently taking her hand in his, squeezing it. “Taking away the other things, I would offer to,” he says truthfully. “It would be up to the patient. But in this case...” He says slowly, sighing. “I know you don’t want me to do it, Al. And I don’t blame you, I don’t really think anyone can. That man deserves to die.” Derek states plainly. “For all he did to you, he deserves to die. He does. I honestly believe that, Allie,” He tells her. “And if you ask me not to do it, I won’t. With a clear conscious, I will turn him away, and no one can think lesser of me for it because it’s an inoperable tumor, and people don’t need to know,” He says. “You are my sister, and I love you, and if this will make it better for you, if this will help you, then I won’t do it, and it wouldn’t change how I see you. I would support you, as would Evan and Meredith.”

“But?” Allie whispers, holding his hand back tightly. 

“But you’re strong,” Derek tells her softly. “I know you scoff at us when we tell you that, Al, but it’s true. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re so strong, and somehow, throughout the hell, you remained you throughout all of it,” He says. “But Al...this, it’s not you. Deciding that this man dies. I don’t think it’s you. You have the right, and it wouldn’t be your fault, it would be the tumor,” He reasons. “But this...it will change you, Allie. I know you. And if he doesn’t get operated on, and he dies...you will spend your life wondering if I could have saved him, wondering if you were the reason he died, even though it wouldn’t be your fault, even though he would deserve it,” Derek tells her. “So you have to decide if you want that, if you can live with that. I don’t want to do something that will hurt you. I know you’ve been living in hell, a hell that he put you in. But maybe this could be a way for you to make that lesser...maybe it’s a way for you to move forward.”

Allie looks forward, her eyes stinging, shrugging a little bit. “I don’t really feel like I’ll ever be able to move on, Derek. I feel he’s always going to show up, like he’ll always have the control.” 

Derek looks to struggle for a moment, unsure of what to say, finally going on. “You took control back when you came back to work. This is another way to take control back...to not let him do this to you. To not make this decision,” He says. 

Allie swallows a lump in her throat, nodding a little bit. “Yea,” She murmurs. “I don’t know. It’s something I need to think about, I guess.” 

“Understandable. Just know we’re all here for you, no matter what,” He says gently, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “Thanks,” Allie says softly, letting her head rest against his shoulder. 

A comfortable silence falls between the two, until Allison asks, “How are you doing? With everything...I know Meredith doesn’t talk about the preeclampsia much, but I know it must be scary,” She says softly. 

He nods a little slowly, letting out a little sigh. “I’m alright...” He trails off, before looking over to her, suddenly saying something else. “That’s a lie. I’m not...I’m not ok.” 

Allie looks back at him, eyes concerned, tilting her head. “I know,” She murmurs quietly. 

“I constantly...feel like I’m drowning. One day I’m fine, and the next I...it’s a struggle to get out of bed, even though I know I have a pregnant wife, and two kids. She’s been gone for so long, but I still...I’m not ok. I’m taking Prozac and...I’m not ok.” 

“And Meredith doesn’t know.” Allison fills in the blank, looking at him. 

He averts his eyes from her, ashamed. “I-I can’t tell her. I don’t know how and I don’t want to burden her.” 

“You can’t think like that. It wouldn’t be a burden to her, Derek,” Allie says softly. “Is that how you guys see me? Is that what you think Evan thinks of me when I can’t get out of bed, and he has to literally carry me into the bathroom?” She asks. 

“That’s different,” Derek sighs, shaking his head. 

“Why? Because I’m a woman?” 

“No! I don’t know,” Derek sighs, shaking his head. 

“Meredith loves you, and she would want to do anything she could to make it better. She would not see it as a burden, Derek. Never once has she turned away from me when I needed her, she’s taken crap from me and sat by my side for hours. Walking away or thinking less of you because things get difficult is not who Meredith is. You guys have been through hell, Derek. It’s not surprising that it has this toll on you.” 

“Meredith doesn’t have days when she can’t get out of bed,” Derek argues. “She doesn’t feel so paralyzed by this-this cloud, this blanket, the air being heavy, she’s handling it!” He exclaims. “Without taking pills, without feeling like she’s suffocating!” 

“I don’t know that I’d say she doesn’t feel like she’s suffocating, sometimes,” Allie reasons gently. “People cope with things differently, Derek. You know that. You can’t compare yourself to someone else, not even someone that went through the same thing. Everyone is different. This-this doesn’t make you weak, or less of a man, husband, or father,” She says, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “It’s just something that happened. And I know it sucks, and I know you feel alone, and helpless, like it’ll never be over. But you can deal with it, and you are. But you need to tell her, Derek,” She says softly. “You need her on your side, and she will be. She will.” 

“That’s what Owen and Wyatt say.” 

“Well, they’re right,” Allie says quietly. 

“I keep cancelling appointments with Wyatt. I don’t know why, I just...I can’t talk to her.” 

Allie’s quiet for a moment, wondering if this will just make Derek angry at her. But, she reasons, him being angry at her for a period of time would be worth it, if it got him to talk to Meredith and get help. “Maybe I do,” She says softly. “Maybe...it’s the same reason you can’t tell Meredith.” 

Derek looks over at her, “What?” 

Allie looks back at him, frowning as she says slowly, “Because maybe...you feel like you deserve it,” She says softly. “Because you can’t let go of the guilt, Derek. And you know talking to Meredith, talking to Wyatt...it would help. And I think deep down you feel like you deserve to suffer. But you don’t, Derek. You don’t, nothing was your fault,” She whispers. “And you need to talk to her, you need to get help, because you are a good person. You’re a wonderful person, and a great husband and father, and you deserve to get help, Der, you deserve to not feel like this, to have more good days than bad.” 

He feels the stinging at his eyes as Allison speaks, and squeezes them shut, trying to make it go away, to get rid of it, to hold them back, but he fails. For once he doesn’t fight them. He remembers countless times, Allison crying in front of him, of all they’d been through as a family in just the five years they’d been in each others’ lives. He remembers the days he’d seen or heard about her unable to get out of bed or do much but cry, he’d seen her in states of apathy. He knew she understood, and further, that she was right. 

“It is what it is. Isn't that how these things always go? They are what they are. We just get to cope.”  

It was a beautiful, sunny, mild spring day in Seattle. Glad that the nice weather was persisting, Allie wanted to spend time outside. While Evan dropped off Ella at school and stopped by the hospital to check in on a few patients, Allie got Lilia dressed and then went out in the backyard. Laying out a blanket, she settled in with the happy seven month old, planning to go on a walk once Evan got home. About forty-five minutes had passed when her phone buzzed with a text message. Shaking the toy in front of Lilia, Allie picks it up and sees it’s a message from Derek. A little surprised, as they hadn’t spoken since Zola’s birthday party, she unlocks her phone. Hey, I have to go to work, things changed with a patient and I have to operate today. Mom’s back in NY, and Mer’s at work, should be done soon...could you take Liv for a few hours? 

Using one hand, Allie types out her response, Yea, of course. Bring her over whenever, in the back yard, and hits send. Derek sends another message back saying thanks, and Allie smiles, lifting Lilia up to sit her on her lap. “Your cousin’s coming over, Lilibug, Livvy’s coming over. Isn’t that exciting?” She grins, tickling her tummy, making the infant giggle. 

Less than twenty minutes later, Allie hears a car pull up at front. Knowing it’s either Derek or the landscapers, she waits, and sure enough Derek’s head appears at the gate, Olivia on his hip. “Hey,” He calls, reaching over the gate to open the latch, “Thank you so much,” He says, walking over. Olivia claps her hands, waving happily. “Leelee!” She exclaims, which was what she called her. Allie grinning as Derek kneels down, putting her on the blanket. “Hey Livvy,” Allie says, Olivia crawling over, then getting up on her knees. She leans against Allison as she reaches out to gently pat Lilia’s head, before leaning in and kissing her cheek. “Awww, you’re so sweet,” Allie smiles, kissing Olivia’s cheek. “It’s no problem,” She answers Derek, looking at him. “What surgery is it?” 

“Tumor resection,” Derek answers back, reaching out and absently brushing Olivia’s hair from her face. “It’s causing more symptoms than I thought it would at this stage, so...gotta get it out.”

“Yea, that would make sense,” Allie agrees with a nod. 

There’s a stretch of uncomfortable silence, and Allie glances down at Lilia, smiling when she looks back at her. 

“Look, Al,” Derek says after a moment, and Allie knows what he’s about to mention just by the tone of his voice. “I meant what I said at Zola’s party. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for what happened that day, how much I regret it. I know, I know it’s no excuse, I just wasn’t myself. I never meant to hurt you...I would never, ever intentionally hurt you. I can’t say you’re the sister I never had,” He quips, and Allie smiles a little. “Seeing as I’ve got four and all. But you are like a sister to me. I love you like a sister, and the last thing I wanted to do that day was hurt you, or send you into panic, or anxiety attacks. I just...I was trying to cope, and failing. And I was...angry. At God, at Meredith, at life...at myself,” He murmurs. 

Allie’s silent for a while, looking at him, before she finally says, “I know. I know you didn’t mean to, and I know you never would. You were hurting, hurting in a way no parent ever should have to. And you’re right, it doesn’t excuse it,” She says. “But I’ve forgiven you.” 

Derek nods, feeling relieved, the relief apparent on his face. A silence, more comfortable this time, falls. After a moment, Allie, looking down at Olivia, watching as she plays carefully with her aunt’s long hair, Allie speaks. “I know, or at least I assume I know why you were angry at Meredith,” she finally says. “I know what she said, that day, Derek. About her...Abby.” Saying her name causes a shadow to pass Derek’s face, a longing, pained shadow. It makes Allie hurt too, but her name couldn’t become a bad word. 

“She said she’s dead,” Derek mutters. “And now, even now, she just keeps saying she’s gone. That we have to let go. Like it’s ok, like it’s...like it makes sense. But it doesn’t. At all.” 

“Derek, it’s the furthest thing from ok,” Allie says, shaking her head. “It is the furthest thing from ok, and if any of this ever makes sense, it will be a long, long time if ever. You think this makes sense to her?” She asks. Allie sits Lilia down on the blanket, tilting her head and looking at her brother in law. “She didn’t say what she said to hurt you, or because it makes sense. She said it because that’s what she feels, Derek. That doesn’t make it easier on her, she’s not saying it to make it easy. That’s not easy, that’s...that’s not easy at all. She feels that she’s gone, and you don’t have to Derek. If you can’t believe it, then don’t. Believe she’s out there, that she’ll come home. Do whatever you have to do, just make sure you’re able to live,” Allie says softly. 

Derek’s looking down at Olivia, his jaw set as he tries not to cry, talking about this. He’s listening her, though he may not seem like it. 

“It’s not easy, it hasn’t been easy for her. I was there after, Derek, when you couldn’t be because you had to deal with it for yourself. And it is not easy, but telling herself that, believing that, it enabled her to get through the day. I don’t know how she’s surviving,” Allie admits. “I don’t know how either of you are functioning, but you do and you both have to survive. In the face of this pain that makes you want to shut down and not do anything, you have to. And that’s what she’s been doing for the past five months. That’s all. She’s been coping. Not to hurt you, not to spite you, not to blame you...just to survive. So just, going forward...remember that, ok?” She says softly. 

Eyes on Olivia still, Derek finally looks up, his eyes catching Allison’s, and he nods a few times. “Yea,” He murmurs. Allie reaches out, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly for a moment. “I have to go, get to the hospital,” He finally says. Derek leans in, kissing Olivia’s head. “I’ll see you later, Liv, daddy loves you,” He says, then leans over, kissing Lilia’s head. “Bye, Lilia.” he looks at Allison, leans in and hugs her, kisses the side of her head. “Love you, Al,” He says.

“Love you, too, Der,” Allie says back gently.

 Derek stands, turns, and then pauses. He looks back at her, and Allie looks up. “Thanks,” He finally says. “For being there. When I wasn’t.” 

Allie nods slowly. “She’s my sister,” She shrugs. She watches Derek go, and shuts her eyes, letting out a sigh. Lifting Lilia back in her lap, Allie looks at Olivia, who had picked up one of Lilia’s toys and was playing with it. She reaches out, smoothing Olivia’s hair back, and her niece looks up at her, a toothy infant grin on her face. “They’re gonna be ok,” She smiles back at her, her hand resting gently against her cheek. “We’re all going to be ok. Even Abby. She’s ok. She’s with your grandpa William and grandma Ellis. And you’ll see her again, someday,” Allie murmurs. Olivia, not knowing what she’s saying, smiles at her, and reaches for the blocks in the corner.

“Yea, lets build some block towers while we wait for Uncle Evan!” Allie grins, grabbing a block as well, putting it on top of the one Olivia puts on the ground. Olivia smiles, giggling, and grabs another one, handing it to Allison, and she takes it, putting it on top of them, listening to her niece laugh, and her daughter let out noises of concentration as she tries to reach the tower to knock over. 

Allie drives into the spot, puts the car in park, and turns the car off. Her hands grip the steering wheel, finally looking up at the building. Taking a deep breath, Allie grabs her bag, and then gets out of the car. This is it. Allison straightens out her dress, makes sure her lab coat is in her bag before she walks into the building. She isn't greeted by flashbacks, but by the happy faces of the receptionists in the lobby, of the nurses she walks by. The walk through the hospital is familiar, and for a second she almost feels like it was that morning. "No, Allie," She murmurs, stepping onto the elevator. The ride up to her floor is short, and she sees many familiar faces as she heads towards her office. "Dr. Riley," the head nurse of the maternity ward says with a large smile, standing up to hug her. "We're so glad to have you back. It hasn't been the same without you around here." 

Emily sat on her bed and toyed with the edge of her comforter nervously. She was tired and sore from the 16 hours she had spent in a cramped bathroom with her ex-fiancee, but she still wasn't ready to go to sleep. Something was keeping her up, and it wasn't the twins. Both of her beautiful children had been asleep for some time, and Emily was grateful for their almost silence. She needed time to sort out how she felt about everything that had happened over the past few months, which was precisely why she had invited Derek over. What she needed right then was a stiff drink and a shoulder to cry on, and Derek had been the first one to offer.