#paot

i don't know where the depression is rooted anymore. i'm physically okay, i'm financially getting by, and i'm appreciated by my support system. career-wise, i know i'm getting better day by day. so, why the hell am i still depressed??? why do i keep on having su!c!dal thoughts every single day? why do i feel like i've done my part already, and am ACTUALLY OKAY with the thought of unal!v!ng myself?

my psychiatrist even gave me a small exercise of imagining my own clinic; she asked what color did i see when it came to visualizing the surroundings of my clinic. i cried even more because i never imagined having one, let alone the color of its walls. i don't have long-term goals; i tried thinking of some, but ended with nothing significant. i live day by day, i mean, it's okay, but until when? she asked if i tried to open these worries to my parents, and i said no because they already have a lot on their plates.

so the takeaway here is: increased dosage on one of my medications, again. i even asked for a prescription for my sleeping problem. she told me that she'll reach out to my parents and tell them what i told her. i was okay with it yesterday, but now that i'm thinking about it, i should've just said to keep it between us. (pero dahil sinabi ko naman na dito, what's the use of hiding it lol)