#panic panic panic

Slept for maybe 2 hours and then woke up around 2am and now I'm stuck in a panic cycle of hazy fantasies of losing A and howling at her and screaming at her and it's like my whole body is feeling the loss and the only thing that helps pull me out is pain.

I don't want pain. I want soft. But I'm so alone. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to sleep. Brain keeps going down the same spirals and at this point the only sense making conclusion is that A is getting burnt out and she will abandon me and it will be my fault and then I'll be alone and lost and I don't want a new therapist and then nothing will ever get better than it is now and it's like being torn into pieces and what the fuck went wrong that all this is happening. How is this happening. This can't be happening.

I keep going over the math - she took 2 weeks off in June, 2 in July (though maybe 1,5 if she manages to fit me in the week where she forgot me), 1 in August, 2 in September. First I feel the rage, how can she do this to me, how can she believe those leftover weeks can somehow be actual therapy?! This woman is taking more vacation in 4 months than most people get in a whole year. Then the terror settles in. This HAS to mean something is wrong. So wrong. She's gonna drop me

panic panic panic panic

pain

five hours til my alarm