#pandubba

Dheeraj ko raat me tahalne ka shauk kab laga ye khud Dheerajo ko nahi pata. Usko lagta hai ki ye shauk laga Patna College aane ke baad. Hiyan ki aabohava Patna ke baki jagah sab se bahutee behtar hai. Ghuste ke saath Ashok ke ped dikhte hain. Angrejon ke jamane me banayi gayi imaratein hain. Aur shant ganga behti hai jisko ghat me baith kar laukne ka maza hi kuch aur hai. Lekin lauka to din me ya shaam ko bhi ja sakta hai?! Ee raat 1 baje laukan ke kya jarurat tha?

'Hum jarur antisocial hain. Upar se depression bhi hai. Din me neend aati hai isiliye raat me tahalne jaate hain jab koio aas paas nahi hota.' Angreji ki degree karne ka ekgo phayda ee hua ki Dheeraj babu ‘antisocial’ aur ‘depression’ jaisa kada kada shabd seekh seekh kar apne andar ke bhoot-preton to najarandaj kar rahe the. Apne dimaag mein aise ghuse rahe ki ye ruk kar sochao nahi ki itni raat me college ka gate kahe khula hai.

Tahelte tahalte ee ghum phir kar Patna College ghat par pahuncha. Ganga aaj bhi shaant hokar beh rahi thi. Drishya atisundar lagta agar ee sala flyover beech me na hota. Pehle to tha nahi. Lekin aaj kal sarkar vikaas pe aisan jor de rahi thi ki na aadmi nadi thik se dekh sakta hai aur na hi khude hue raste pe aram se chal sakta hai. 'Man kharab ho gaya sala', ee soch kar palat gaye humare Dheeraj bhaiya aur samne dikha college ki building se juda hua ek stage. Iss chaar saal me ee stage par Dheeraj ne sirf pedon ki jadein aur latayen dekhi thi, koi performance nahi. Iss building me kya tha wo bhi thik se pata nahi tha. Nigah lekin achanak stage ke bahine taraf ke raaste pe padi. Dheeraj kabhio nahi nahi tha okar. Raat ekke baje inko soojha, 'Chalo dekha jaye ee rasta kahan le jata hai'. 

Rasta itnao lamba nahi hona chahiye tha. Lekin Dheeraj ko kya pata tha kitna lamba hona chahiye tha? Ee to chalte gaye bina kuch soche. Aur aa pade ek talab par jahan se angreji department ke building ka pichwada dikh raha tha. 'Building ke piche talab thi?? Hum to jante hi nahi the'. Thi to nahi isliye nahi jante the. Hoti to 4 saal me pata nahi chal jata?

Pani ke paas alag hi shanti hoti hai. Ab wo behti ganga ho ya sthir talab. Lekin ee talab ke paas kuch jyada hi shanti thi. Dheeraj aksar raat to tahalne nikalta tha par okarke itnaho yaad nahi ki raat ko bhi janwaron ki awaj sunayi deti hai. Jhingur ho ya apna sathi khojta hua rota billa ya jhagadte hue raste ke kutte. Patna ki andheri shaant raat utni bhi shaant nahi hoti. Aise talab ke paas phir medhak ki tarr tarr bhi sunayi deni chahiye. Lekin hiyan kuchho nahi tha, jaise ki ee talab bahar ki duniya se juda hi na ho. Agar angreji department ka building na dikh raha hota, to aisa lagta ki ee jagah Patna me haiye nahi. 

Lekin Dheeraj jaisa aadmi na itna kuch khayal karta hai, aur na hi sochta hai. Usko is talab ki shanti ko dekh kar ek hi khayal aaya 'Chalo sutta piya jaye.'

Pocket se nikla cigarette ka ek dibba aur lighter. Lighter ke aag ki raushni ne ek ajeeb si lalima phailayi. Uss lal roshni se dikha Dheeraj ko ek marad jo uske baayen taraf khada tha. Raat ke andhere me uska chehra to pura nahi dikh raha tha lekin uski aankhein janwaron ki aankhon ki tarah gol aur chamkeeli thin. Dheeraj ko ek baar man kiya ki lighter najdeek leke ek daan dekhe, ki kaun hai. Lekin phir socha, rude lagega. Kya pata kab se ee aadmi uske paas khada hai. Itni der pata nahi chala to abhi bhi ignore hi mara jaye. Aise ki Dheeraj ne raat ki dusri budhbakai. Cigarette jalake lighter ko wapas pocket me rakh liya aur cool banne chala jaise ki apne bagal khade aadmi to jaanbujh ke ignore maar raha ho.

Khatra hai, nikal lo

Dheeraj ke dimaag me awaajein goonj rahin thin. Usko to lagta hai sabke dimag me aisane awaaj goonjti hai. Itne chinta ki bhi baat nahi hai. 

Beta nikal le idhar se nahi to marega tu

Sabke dimag ki awaaj itni rude hoti hai kya? Jarur intrusive thoughts hoga. Aisa soch kar, dheeraj sutta peeta raha, aur uske bagal khada aadmi usko ghoorta raha.

'SSS-sigret doooooo'

Dimaag ke bahar se awaz aayi ya andar se? Dheeraj bhakchonhar ke tarah idhar udhar muh ghuma kar taaka. Uske bagal khada aadmi ab uske ekdam satte satte khada tha. 'sss-sigreeett doooo'

Najdeek se dekhne me to ek ladka bachha jaisa lag raha tha. Khair, Dheeraj bhi cigarette peena bahute jaldi shuru kiya tha to dusre ko kya hi bola jaye. 

"Thik hai bhai, de rahe hain, muh me ghus ke kahe maang rahe ho?" ee bol kar, pocket se ekgo cigarette nikalke Dheeraj oo dusre aadmi ko cigarette dikha ke bola "Lo."

'SSS-SIGRET DOOO', dusra aadmi dheeraj ka hath jakad liya. 'SIGREETT!!!! DOOOOOO!!!!!!!!'

"Arey hum de to rahe hain!! Aise upar kahe chadhe aa rahe ho!"

Ab baat alag hai ki oo upar nahi, ulta Dheeraje niche ki taraf tana raha tha.

"E bhai! Ee ka kar rahe ho!", Dheeraj ka ek hath tha uska khud ka sutta pakde hue, aur ek hath ye adbhut prani jakad ke baitha tha. Jitna Dheeraj piche khiche, utna hi ye anjaan admi usko aage taan raha tha. Jitni aasani se Dheeraj tana raha tha na, aisa laga jaise oo dugo matar jitna halka ho. Kheechne wale ke shakal me koio shikan nahi, ulta daant nipor ke sala hans raha tha. Aur daant ke bare me kya hi batayen?! Daant to jaise janwar ki tarah nukeele the! 'SIGREETTT DOOOO! HAHAHAHA!!! SIGRETT DOOO!!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHA'

Khichate khichate Dheeraj aa pahuncha ekdum pani ke tat pe. Aur talab ka sthir pani lipat ke aise nikla jaise ki jinda ho. Dheeraj ka saans phulne laga aur wo aadmi? Oo hansta hua aadmi to jaise pighal raha tha.

Abey sutta phek lighter nikal! LIGHTER! 

'O, haan, lighter!'

Kya soch ke Dheeraj pani se ladne ke liye lighter nikala oo to Dheerajo nahi janta. Lekin jaise hi lighter ko nikal ke jalaya, rangbirangi aag ekdum dhadhakte huye nikli — jaise lighter nahi, rangmashal ho. Rangeen aag ka lapat oo pighalte hue aadmi ko ekdum lapet liya.

'AAAAAAAAA', ye karahti hui awaz bilkul janwaron jaisi thi.

'Hey bhagwan, ye kya ho gaya...', Dheeraj ki saanse lautin lekin dimaag nahi. Door hat ke ee budhbak jalte pighalte aadmi ko dekhta raha aur poocha, "E bhai? Thik ho??"

Areyy bhago!! Ye kya khade khade bakloli kar rahe ho bey!

Oh haan, bhaag ke madad bulani chahiye. Ee soch kar Dheeraj daud lagaya aur pahuncha seedha Manoj ke ghar. Raat ke teen baje.

-x-

Thak thak thak thak

"MANOJ!!"

Thak thak thak thak

"MANOJ!!!"

Thak thak thak thak

"ABEY MANOJ!!! SALE UTH!!!"

Sau pachaas baar thakthakane ke badh kumbhkaran darwaje ki chaar chithkiniyan kholkar aankh masalte masalte apni gufa se nikla.

"Kya hua bey? Raat teen baje humko kahe jaga rahe ho?"

Dheeraj : Jal gaya! Chalo! Manoj : .....Kya? Dheeraj : Arey! Humse ek aadmi jal gaya! Tum chalo to mere saath! Manoj : KYA??  Dheeraj : Hum keh rahe hain ki— Manoj : *darwaza kholte huye* Na oo hum saaf saaf sun rahe hain. Lekin tumko khud khayal hai ki kya bak rahe ho? Murder kar ke aaye ki kya? Aur ab humse lash chhupwaoge? Dheeraj : *ghar me ghuste huye* Arey, accident tha Manoj : *baniyan aur t-shirt pahante hue* Sab thik se suru suru se batao. Kaun aadmi tha? Kaise jala? Tumse kaise jala? Aur raat ke andhere me tum kar kya rahe the. Dheeraj : Hum raat ko tahalne jaate hain na— Manoj : 🤨 ? Dheeraj : — Patna College Ghat tak — Manoj :  🤨 🤨 ??  Dheeraj : Abey aise kahe dekh rahe ho Manoj : Pagal ka muh aur kaise dekha jata hai. College ka gate band hota hai abhi. Tum kaise ghuste ho? Dheeraj : Nahi bey, khula rehta hai. Manoj : Band rehta hai. Dheeraj : Chalo hum tumko chal ke dikhate hain. Khula rehta hai ki Manoj : Ha to chalo!

-x-

Dheeraj : ....ee to.....ee to band hai Manoj : Haan. Band hai.  Dheeraj : Tala laga hai. Bada sa. Manoj : Haan. Kyunki abhi raat ke *ghadi dekhkar* sadhe teen baj rahe hain. Dheeraj : Lekin pahle khula tha bey! Roj khula rehta hai! Hum tahalne jate hain na raat ek baje Manoj : 😟  Dheeraj : Ka hua? Ab kahe aise dekh rahe ho? Manoj : Soch rahe hain kis pagalkhane me tumhara dakhila karaya jaye. Dheeraj : Mental health koi majak nahi hai. Hum tumko bole hain na humko jarur BPD hai aur depression hai aur intrusive thoughts hota hai aur— Manoj : Ha ha bhai pata hai tumko angreji me har tarah ka pagalpan hota hai. Ee batao, aadmi jo jal gaya. Itna der se jake to humlog ghanta bacha payenge. To hiyan khade hoke kya phayda.  Dheeraj : ......shit bey. Sahi bola. Oo to pura jal ke bhasm ho gaya hoga abhi tak. Manoj : Aur agar tum jo bol rahe ho, wo hua hota, to sautho pulees ka gadi idhar aise hi laga rehta. Upar se talab hariyali ke paas itna bada aag agar lagega to phailega nahi kya? Damkal ki gadi nahi hoti yaha pe? Dheeraj : ...... Manoj : Chalo. Ghar chalo. Kal class ke baad dikhana kahan hai ye talab.

-x-

Ab teen baje jo nishachar chintit prani sone jaye to usko neend kahan aayegi. 6 bajte bajte Dheeraj wapas pahuch gaya Manoj ke ghar.

Manoj : *toothbrush muh me* aa kaa haaa shey (ab kya hua bey)  Dheeraj : Tumhara aaj morning class hai na? 8 baje se?  Manoj : Shaaa iieee ooo ueeee eee (Sala isliye to uthe hain) Dheeraj : Kya??  Manoj : uuoo (Ruko) *thukne kharkharane aur muh dhone ke baad* ABEY SALE ISS LIYE TO UTHE HAIN! Abhi tayar hoke humko lunch bana ke phir class jana hai. Mushkil se teen ghanta soye tumhari wajah se. Ab kya hua tumko? Dheeraj : ....acha theek hai theek hai. Tum tayar ho lo. Hum hain idhar ruke huye. Manoj : *kitchen me ghuste huye* Kahe? Kahe ruke huye ho tum idhar?  Dheeraj : Tumhara class to bagale me hai na, aur Patna College to raste hi me padta hai. To hum soche ki— Manoj : Ekdum nahi Dheeraj : Nahi matlab hum soche ek bar Manoj : Nah. Bilkul nahi. Dheeraj : Arey sun to lo hum kya bol rahe hain Manoj : Hum badhiya se jante hain tum kya bol rahe ho. Aur hum kah rahe hain ki class ke baad jayenge. 12 baje tak ka wait karo.  Dheeraj : ......humko pulees aake pakad ke le gayi to? Manoj : Bail karwa denge. 12 baje ke baad. Dheeraj : .....arey gajab aadmi ho. Dost tumhara madad maangne aata hai to aise karte hain? Manoj : ..... Sale tum to humko mat hi bolo. Kya kya nahi kiye hain tumhare liye. Itna to koi apne girlfriend ke liye bhi nahi karta hai. Dheeraj : Acha acha thik hai, hum aise free hain. Hiyan aa hi gaye hain to tumko hum tahalte tahalte class bhi chhod denge Manoj : 😑  Dheeraj :Phir raaste me english dept aata hi hai, to thooda sa left turn maar ke— Manoj : 😑 😑  Dheeraj : Kya? Manoj : Chalo. Dheeraj : Kaha? Manoj : Tumhara talab dekhne Dheeraj : 😀

-x-

"Ye rasta?" 

"Haan."

Dono dost abhi usi stage ke paas khade the jiske bagal se jakar Dheeraj kal raat to talab ke paas pahuncha tha. Raat ka shant sunsaan ghat subah aate aate logon se bhar chuka tha. Morning walk karne wale log. Khel kud karne wale log. Ghat me dhobi pachhad aur kapda phichane wale log. Aise sabhi log jinki tarah Dheeraj kabhio nahi jee sakta.

Dheeraj doctor ke paas tanike jata tha. Aisa nahi hai ki usko doctor ke paas jana acha nahi lagta. Doctoron ko uska unke paas aana acha nahi lagta tha. Ye aksar jaakar apne darad aur dukhde ko khud hi Google se self diagnosis karke le jata tha, aur phir test sab normal aane pe doctar log usko bamkate the. X-ray, blood report se lekar EEG aur ECG tak ke normal aane ke bawajud Dheeraj ko pura vishwaas tha ki usko scoliosis, arrhythmia, aur tarah tarah ki bimariyan thin jiske karan se oo khali din me thetharai se peedit rehta tha.

Manoj : Abey ye rasta Krishna Ghat jata hai— Kya bey? Ladki taad rahe ho? Dheeraj : *logon se nazar hatate huye* KYA? NAH! Manoj : Humko kheech ke laye yahan tum aur apne kahin aur dhyan hai? Dheeraj : Arey hum tumko bole hain na, humko koi na koi tarah ka dissociative disorder hai— Manoj : Haan haan tumhara angreji pagalpan. Suno. Ye rasta Krishna Ghat jata hai. English department nahi Dheeraj : Nahi yaar, ispe chaloge to dekhoge ekdum hara bhara talab hai ek.  Manoj : Chalo, tum chal ke dikhao.

-x-

Kuch pagdandiyon par chalne ke baad, dono dost aa pahunche ek pakki sadak par.