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[ID: A Tokyo Ghoul manga panel showing Hide as a child, nervously scratching his cheek as he asks with a bright smile "So, do you want to become friends with me?" End ID]
Featuring: Hide's queer journey over the years.
Word Count: 2300
Content Warnings: Imposter syndrome, mentions of arophobia, brief mention of homophobia
[ID: a long arrow pointing right, serving as a text break. It has repeating bands of flags on the stick, alternating between the allo-aro and rainbow flags. The arrow has a grey point, brown stick, and green tail fletching. Credit to K.A. Cook @/aroworlds. End ID]
Like most queer kids, Hide grew up under the assumption that he was straight. He didn’t know about queer people as a child, and being straight was the only option.
And then, he got adopted by two dads. He was intrigued that a man could fall in love with another man and spend their lives together happily. It opened his world — that liking girls wasn’t his only option.
His dads told him that they were okay with Hide’s sexuality regardless of what it was. If he ended up liking girls exclusively, or guys exclusively, or liked them both. They taught him that sexuality was complicated, and couldn’t be forcefully changed.
Hide was pretty sure he liked girls. He had a few fleeting crushes on girls in his previous elementary school years. And then, at this new school came his first crush on a boy. Hide didn’t even know his name yet, but he knew he was in love with the nerdy black-haired kid in his class. He seemed lonely and didn’t seem to have any friends, so Hide went to introduce himself. Hide didn’t have any friends either since he was new to class, and he wanted to make this boy happy.
When he went home, Hide gushed about his new crush to his parents. His first crush on a boy.
Hide called himself bi as grew up. It was one of the three label options his parents gave him: straight, gay, or bi. And he was attracted to both girls and guys, so he called himself bi. In middle school, he joined a queer club, and he learned about more sexualities beyond those three. He learned about pansexuality, and a bit about asexuality. He also learned more about transgender people, and how some of them identified outside the binary of male and female. Hide found it all interesting, and he was determined to learn more. Along the way, he found more comfort in the label of pan than bi, and so he changed it.
After Hide settled in his label of pansexual, he was ready to come out to Kaneki. He was pretty sure that Kaneki was accepting of queer people — he was accepting and respectful of his dads, after all — but Hide knew that your friend coming out as queer could be shocking and change your relationship. He was scared of losing his friend, but this was important to him, and Hide wanted Kaneki to know.
“Have you heard of the LGBT+ community?” Hide asked one day over sharing fries.
“Of course I have.” Kaneki replied. It wasn’t a lot, but Kaneki heard of it once in a while. There was an openly gay kid or two at their middle school.
“I’ve been looking into it, the different identities and such.” Hide began. “And I... I’m not straight...”
“You’re gay?” Kaneki asked. He never would have guessed. And seeing how Hide always ogled girls, it didn’t seem right. But if he said he was—
“Well, no, I’m not gay. But I’m not straight either.”
“I’m not following...” Kaneki said.
Hide gave him a look. “Do you know what the acronym LGBT stands for?”
Kaneki opened his mouth, realized he had no clue, and then shut it. “Uh, I actually don’t know, sorry.”
“The L and G are lesbian and gay, and the B is bisexual and the T is for transgender. But there’s also a plus that includes a bunch of other identities too.”
“Oh. So then, what are you?”
“I’m pansexual.” Hide said.
“And that means...?”
“I’m attracted to people regardless of their gender. I like girls, and I like guys, and I like people that are in-between or neither.”
“But... isn’t that... what everything thinks?” Kaneki asked. “To like both girls and guys?”
“Mmm, not really.” Hide said. “I’m pretty sure it's not. If you think it is, you might wanna look into the LGBT+ community too.”
“Really?” Kaneki asked. He had never considered that he might not be straight. Although he supposed having a few fleeting crushes on boys should have been a hint.
“Anyway, I hope this doesn’t change anything...” Hide whispered.
“Of course it doesn’t!” Kaneki cried. “I accept you! I don’t mind!”
High sighed in relief. “Thanks.”
“I’m sorry, I should have said that to begin with...”
“No, no, it’s alright.”
Kaneki leaned over and hugged him, and Hide welcomed it.
In the next few months, Kaneki continued to question his sexuality, and Hide helped him out best he could. After a while, Kaneki settled on the term bisexual.
---
Throughout his school years, Hide joined many clubs, but his favorite was always the Gay-Straight Alliance. It was there that he met other queer people — people like him — and made many acquaintances. Kaneki never joined, too afraid to find out if his aunt was homophobic, but Hide filled him in on any queer news and even set him up to meet a few acquaintances — to know that the two of them were far from the only queer people in this school.
Hide also enjoyed collecting pride items, especially pins. Although Kaneki wasn’t open about being bisexual, he was still proud of it, and so Hide decided to get Kaneki a bisexual pin and keep it with his own pins. Kaneki could take it whenever he became comfortable enough, but until then it would be on Hide’s bag for Kaneki to admire, and know that Hide supported him.
---
In late middle school, Hide decided he wanted to start dating. So he confessed to the girl he had a crush on, and she accepted. She was cute and pretty, and Hide and Kaneki had often talked about her. Hide was so excited and giddy to finally have a girlfriend, but then the dating officially began. His feelings rapidly changed towards her, while hers seemed to stay the same towards him. He cared about her, but he no longer loved her. After less than a month, he broke it off.
---
Maybe I am gay, Hide thought. He had heard about compulsory heterosexuality, so maybe that was what had happened to him?
A few months later, and he crushed on a boy. An openly gay boy in one of his classes. They started exchanging glances, then playfully flirting, and then he confessed and Hide accepted. But the same thing happened as with his previous partner. After a few days, his feelings suddenly changed, and after a month he had to break up with him.
And through both of his failed relationships, Kaneki was there, comforting him through the heartbreak. Except, it wasn’t heartbreak. At least, it wasn’t heartbreak in the usual way. Hide wasn’t upset over his relationships ending. His romantic feelings had faded long before the breakups, and his exes would still be going to the same school. They could still remain in touch and be friends. What was there to be sad about?
His real heartache was learning that his exes took the breakups worse than he did. That they didn't want to remain friends after it.
And the whole time, Hide wondered why. Why had his romantic attraction faded so quickly? This didn’t seem to be what the average person experienced. And since it happened twice, it didn’t seem to be a fluke. He knew it would happen again.
The only relief was that Hide once again settled into his identity of being pansexual, because he continued to get crushes on all genders. But his fading attraction still nagged at him. Was pansexual really right? Was he a different orientation?
Hide began to experiment a bit. Each of the next crushes he got, he would daydream about them as much as he could. And he found that even his romantic daydreams had a limit. At a certain point, he would get bored, sometimes even repulsed, with the romance in his daydreams. It always came after imagining them reciprocating or entering a relationship.
So, Hide swore off dating. He knew that if he continued to date, his feelings would just fade again. He already broke two people’s hearts, and he didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
And really, it wasn’t that bad. As his classmates stressed over their dating lives, Hide was spared from that gossip and stress. Although there was the occasional insistence that he should date so-and-so, or people theorizing what his “actual” sexuality was. But Hide had more time to focus on his friend, his hobbies, his hyperfixations, and his schoolwork. He was happy.
Kaneki’s love life was another story. As hard as he fell in love and as much as Hide encouraged him, Kaneki never dated once in middle school or high school. Hide had to admit, it was kind of relieving. It was for very different reasons, but it was still nice to have that solidarity with Kaneki being single. And anytime classmates tried to give Kaneki shit for it, Hide stood up to them, knowing just how annoying those words could get.
Yet one of the most curious things, was that Hide still had a crush on Kaneki. He didn’t want to confess, for fear of jinxing it and having it fade like the others. But Hide enjoyed all the butterflies and happiness Kaneki’s presence gave him. He didn’t want Kaneki’s feelings returned, and he also didn’t need it. Sure, Hide had his bad days like everyone did, but he was happy the way things were, and he was grateful for Kaneki’s friendship in his life.
---
“Next, I’d like to talk about Aromantics: people who don’t experience romantic attraction.”
Hide perked up at that and he raised his hand to indicate he had a question.
“Yes, Nagachika?”
“Romantic attraction? Like, crushes?”
“Yes. Aromantics don’t get crushes on anyone.”
Hide had never heard it before, and part of him wanted to insist that couldn’t be possible. But in the past several years he had realized just how little society knew about sexualities and genders, so it had to be real. People who didn’t feel romantic love — Was it really that unusual?
And something else nagged at him. Something that hit a little too close to home.
Romantic love, huh? Maybe I’m aromantic.
But no. That couldn’t be right. He couldn’t be aromantic. He got crushes. His feelings were romantic. He knew that.
Hide sighed and slouched. He never did figure out what was up with his sexuality.
It's a spectrum? Then… Then maybe I’m somewhere on it?
Unfortunately, that had been the final note of the aromantic section of Haru’s speech. Haru moved on to talk about another sexuality, and then onto gender identities.
After the vocab lesson, Hide ran up to talk to the club member.
“Hey, Haru!”
“Yeah, Nagachika?”
“Earlier you said that aromanticism is a spectrum. Are there, like, more specific details than that?”
“Yeah. It's a really diverse orientation. Anything specific you want to know?”
Hide thought about it. Should I tell them? This club was judgement-free, and everyone was open about their identities, and Hide was open about his identity even outside of this club. But it was still nerve-wracking to admit he was questioning, especially this soon.
“Are you aromantic?” Hide asked instead, hoping the question wasn’t out of line.
“No, but I am asexual. It’s similar, and has similar roots.”
“Ah. Well. I, uh. What you said got me thinking…”
“You’re questioning if you’re aromantic?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright! How can I help?”
Hide smiled at him. Haru was always so kind and willing to help.
“If I am, I think I’m somewhere in the grey area.”
“Alright. Well, there’s tons of identities. Can you limit it down at all? Why do you think you’re arospec? Do you know how you experience romance?”
“Well, I do get crushes. But…” Hide hesitated. “They sorta… fade?”
Hide braced himself.
You just need to try harder.
You’ll find The One eventually.
Those comments echoed in his mind.
“Fade, huh? That could be Frayromantic, or Lithromantic, or Aroflux!”
Hide’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected there to be one term, much less three!
“Greyromantic is also sometimes an umbrella term. And there might be a few others, but these are off the top of my head.”
“Wow. That’s— What do they all mean?”
“Let’s see. Greyromantic is usually rare or conditional romantic attraction, but anyone who falls into the grey area can use it as an umbrella term. Frayromantics get crushes on strangers, basically, and the attraction fades when they get to know people, as early as knowing their name or interests. Arofluxes have fluctuating romantic attraction. Some days they’re in love, some days they're not.”
“Wait. Most people are in love all the time?”
“Yup.” Haru laughed. “I mean, it fades naturally with time, but that’s after several months for it to chill out a bit and then years for it to fade lower.”
Hide hummed. Technically he knew that, but it was easy to forget when that wasn’t your personal experience.
“You sound pretty arospec already.” Haru laughed. “I had one more term, right? What was it? ...Oh yeah! Lithromantic! Lithromantics have romantic attraction that fades at reciprocation.”
“Reciprocation?”
“Yeah. The way I’ve seen them describe it, is that they’ll confess and if the person reciprocates, it’s like ‘poof!’ Those feelings are gone.”
Hide nodded slowly. “That’s like me. I get crushes often enough. But I dated a few times, and once I got in a relationship, I felt nothing. I tried so hard to get it back, but… it didn’t come. And it all just felt wrong.”
“Sounds like romance-repulsion. A lot of aromantics feel that way about relationships, but not all of them. Anyway, you should look into those terms.”
“I definitely will! Thank you so much!”
“No problem! I’m always here if you have more questions! And I have a few arospec internet friends, if you want anything one-on-one. They’d all be happy to help!”
“No aros here then, huh?” Hide asked sadly.
“Not that I know of. Sorry.” Haru said. “But if it makes you feel any better, I’m the only asexual here too.”
[ID: A colored manga panel from Tokyo Ghoul, showing Hide smiling with his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder, who is staring at him from behind his kakuja mask, edited onto the following pride flags: mlm, bi, pan, larkspur gay, and m-spec. END ID]
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
[ID: A manga coloring of Hide and Touka, using a cleaned Tokyo Ghoul:re manga panel by @k-kuja. Hide and Touka are seen from the chest up, standing beside each other. Hide has his arms behind his head and looks nonchalant, and Touka has a serious expression. Each image is against a different pride flag: aromantic, allo-aro, aro-spec, m-spec, bi, pan, 5-stripe queerplatonic, and yellow heart 7-stripe queerplatonic. END ID]
[ID: A colored manga panel from Tokyo Ghoul, showing Touka and Hide from the back, staring at each other, edited against aromantic, aro-spec (by @/PotionFlags), allo-aro, bi, m-spec, and pan flags. END ID]
[ID: An official line sticker of Hideyoshi Nagachika from Tokyo Ghoul edited onto pride flags. He’s smiling and holding his hand above his head in a salute-like greeting. The text “Ossu” is written in katakana beside him, which is a casual way to say “Morning!” or “Hey!” in Japanese. The flags used are: aro, alloaro, lithromantic, triangle demiromantic, diamond demiromantic, bi, pan, and rainbow. END ID]
