#pachua

Oriax had come out of nowhere, pinning him to the wall in a dark corner and hissing that if he didn't say he belong to him, Ax would kill him. Pachua hadn't needed to hear it twice.

After that, it had been one series of unfortunate events after another. They'd gone back to Ax's room, and Pachua had been locked into a steel collar and told to sit on the bed until Ax got back. Compelled by unseen forces, he hadn't been able to resist.

As if he would. This was familiar ground.

So when Ax had gotten back with Pachi's things, all packed into the bags he'd come with, Pachua hadn't really been surprised. You need new things, Ax had said, and Pachi hadn't argued. You'll sleep with me, or on the floor. Got it? Don't speak badly of me. Don't let the teachers know anything of what happens in this room. Don't even think about it in math class. You call me Master, or sir. And you fucking complain about anything, you'll regret it. Got it? And Pachua had nodded, too terrified to complain.

He'd learned that night what his master meant by two of those orders. In the same instance.

Ax hadn't meant “sleep with him” figuratively, at least as far as Pachi could see. And after what had happened...he knew why he'd been silenced. The first time, he'd cried.

The second time, he'd been ordered not to.

It wasn't new, to be hurt by the men in charge of his life. The rape was new. The pain was not. The fear was not. The sobs being caught in his chest until he couldn't breathe was not. He bit his tongue, and forced his way through classes, eyes burning with tears he wasn't allowed to shed, body sore from the endurance trials called being Ax's Kept. He'd thought idly about finding a Mentor, but when Oriax had put forward the “be in Fridmar's cy'ree or don't bother at all” in front of him, the question was lost.

He wasn't about to be Professor Fridmar's Student. Not if it was the last chance between him and a bullet between the eyes. So he didn't worry about it.

He stopped eating. Oriax didn't care. He faltered in his schoolwork. Then Ax cared, threatening worse punishment if Pachua made Ax look bad as a Keeper. Pachi worked harder, eyes blurring from held back sobs.

Why had Mama wanted me here? It was the question that kept him awake at night. He said she wanted me here. Why would she want me in this terrible place – somewhere else where I could be hurt and cast aside? Why would she want this for me?

He wished he could cry. Ax stirred in his sleep. Pachua tried not to feel sick.

It had gone on for weeks, but it felt like years. Lifetimes. Days of feeling like he was in a cage that just kept shrinking and wasn't ever going to get bigger. He would curl himself smaller and smaller until he ceased to be, and then would keep trying to get small to match the cage. To keep his Master happy. To keep trying to survive.

And then Fridmar had shown up. Insisted that Ax let Pachua go. Ax refused, forced the professor to challenge him for his Kept.

Pachua had been mortified. Challenging him for me? Why? I don't want to leave – he'll just be more angry, don't you understand? It's better if I stay, it's always better if I stay... I can take this, it's not new... But his cries had been silent, and the professor had won the challenge. Pachua's collar became Fridmar's.

Until it had passed to the girl with the mismatched eyes.

It would have reminded him of a song, if he'd been thinking back then. But he hadn't been, and the girl didn't want him in the first place, and it was just worse. At least Ax had wanted him. He'd gone from something known but wanted...to unknown and unwanted.