#p.null

ah, to be a canvas without possessing the watercolours, isn’t that funny? or rather, to be a bird without the ability to fly― or even something more? seems as though this is every day the flowers grow still but the weeds are ever strong

and as i lay in bed at 4 my thoughts are filled with you / i can’t breathe i can’t think because i’m in love with you / so come back and catch me before i fall too fast / because a love like this with a person like me wasn’t built to last

you deserve so much more than the ghost that i’ve become / but i can’t help the way you make my mind go numb / i miss you i need you, you’re my raging heartbeat / but i’m sure forgetting me will be no enormous feat

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now the seasons have come and gone and still awake i lie / with unshed tears and a dying heart but still i refuse to cry / you said you’d never leave, said you’d never forget / and yet here i am collecting dust on a shelf on which i was not meant to sit

you’ve broken me down now and maybe one day i’ll smile freely again / but somehow i can’t help hoping that you’ll be the one to make this all end / i only saw sunshine when i was looking into your eyes / now my world’s grey, devoid, and still i believe your lies

baby oh baby if only you would notice just how well i lie

perhaps you would not let my words simmer alone and learn to trust me

because i am not soft and gentle and precious but instead sharp cuts

angles and edges roughened and time damaged but will i survive?

you don’t love me like you used to love me.

good morning kisses fluttering against my lips,  a gentle smile and crow’s feet at the edges of your eyes. those are no longer reserved for me, those are no longer mine. 

i don’t know the feeling of your ‘i love you’s’, and i don’t know the feeling of your tears. i don’t know the weight of your confessions, and i don’t know the softness of your comfort.

you don’t miss me like you used to miss me.

yelling, screaming, fighting, crying; you used to show me so many sides of yourself. now i don’t know the ups and downs of your day, now i go days, weeks without hearing from you. 

now, my soul is broken and shattered, and now i shed the scraps of my soul only hoping you’d care― but you don’t. not beyond surface words, not beyond the wall i put up that you so vehemently tried to break down.

i don’t love you like i used to love you.

perhaps this is my fault. shoving you away, yelling in your face. ‘fuck off,’ i’d say. ‘come back,’ i plead.  i don’t open up. i don’t care. but it’s different with you. it always has been.

i’ve been waiting to be ruined by the likes of you

to watch your voice get carried away on the breeze

with bleeding eyes and a heart blossoming with glass shards

i can never love myself enough to stop lying

my lungs drown behind the force of walls harder than diamonds

though if only they were as beautiful;

you’ve ruined me but you’ll never know.

i want someone who screams home.

i want that person who i can’t go 24 hours without thinking about, i want to walk into their arms and rest my head on their shoulder and just sigh.

i want to know what you look like when you’re scared, when you’re livid, when you’re hurt and when you’re ecstatic. i want to see you act like a child when your favourite tv show announces a new season, and i want to see you close your eyes and let the sun bathe over your cheekbones.

i want that person who knows that i don’t want to talk right now, but i just want company. i want to see you smile and i want to feel the warmth of a thousand rays radiating from your soul.

i want to see heaven when i look into your eyes, and i want the galaxy to cry out in jealousy when i say there are more stars in your eyes than in the universe.

i want to be in love with you, and i want the feeling to be mutual.