#p:ng

~Well I believe it all is coming to an end, Oh well, I guess we’re gonna pretend. Let’s see how far we’ve come, let’s see how far we’ve come.~ [Written June 18, 2018; Edited September 4 2018; Rewritten June 30, 2019; Posted July 1, 2019] [Part 2 of x] [Huh, so it’s been about exactly a year since my last post. I was doing some thinking lately about some certain topics relating to “Forgiveness” and it got me going back to thinking about this. So I guess now this multi-parter will be a yearly entry (it won’t, and I do actually want to finish typing it up in a more timely manner, but finding the effort and time has proven to be difficult, apparently).]

I had a friend, a long time ago. Grade school days. From when I used to play a certain arcade racer, and was actually quite into it. I hadn’t known it at the time of the encounter, but it proved to be one of my most important, and probably among the most defining ones for my mentality. I’ll likely tell this story eventually, as it is quite amusing to me, but for now, we’ll leave that for a time, she was one of the most important characters in my life, who I happen to have back now.

I was never very close to my extended family. I wanted to be, but it wasn’t quite a thing for us. My mom’s side aren’t on very good terms, and for one reason or another [we’ll just leave it at that], we don’t talk very much to my dad’s side. I have six cousins, two from each of my uncles [and boy would it be awkward if I’m mis-remembering right now...], but only one unit lives within visiting distance, not that we’ve seen each other in years...

It was earlier this summer, in fact, I’m basically just coming back from, a weekend away. The first time I went on a getaway with friends, actually, excluding camping. We went to a convention an hour or two out of town, just for fun. I’ve never been to a convention of any sort, and although I’ve been known to hate and avoid crowds and interacting with others when possible, loathing nor nervousness weren’t anywhere on my mind. I was going with my friend, L, her cousin, A, and the cousin’s boyfriend, J. For context, I’m pretty decent friends with the cousin and boyfriend. I was later informed of the possibility of being joined by two more of L’s friends. Not a big deal, the living arrangements were already putting me off center, so a tad more awkwardness wouldn’t really faze me. For me, the idea was trying something new, and at the time, I was seeing it as a chance to “get out of my comfort zone” as they say, so in the back of my mind, it was just adding to the challenge.

The trip roles around and the original four of us drive out and find our rental place and settle in, et cetera, et cetera. Eventually we meet up with the other two friends on the grounds, and we kick off to hanging out and having a generally good time, typical convention stuff, I assumed. I am just meeting these two for the first time, but the conversation flowed naturally. At first it seemed uncharacteristic of me, but then I thought a bit.

I couldn’t help but reflect on the thought that, at the time, was still nagging at the back of my mind, the time when my character was called into question, as it was something I recently decided to revisit and think about deeply. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this weekend would be the bookend to that chapter of growth and realization of that aspect of my character. As it turns out, in conversation with A and J later on, I had gotten along so well and naturally with the L’s friends that A and J thought we had met before and I was part of their group from the get-go. Upon hearing that, I actually burst out laughing, because during that weekend, Both L’s friends had thought A, L, and I were all cousins, because of how friendly and close we seemed. It was this moment that I realized it had only been two years prior when I met A (for real), It had been a sticking point for me lately. Like one of those things that you randomly can’t stop thinking about, coming up so randomly after all this time, but once you’re confronting it, the thought doesn’t go away until it’s settled.  Y’see, one of the things that was called into question was my ability to be friendly, to be personable, and to be likable. I had always taken pride in my language and tact, but it wasn’t ever a thing I really bothered to flex in spontaneous interaction. Like I know I can carry a conversation if I had to, but I did doubt the quality of my interaction. When I first thought it was uncharacteristic of me, this time, it got me to realize that if the feeling of being ‘uncharacteristic’ came up so much, perhaps it was my own perception of my character that was wrong. That weekend made me realize that my fears were unmet, that I can put forth my best self, even in front of strangers, but most of all, that I was congenial. I had never forgiven myself for letting some think otherwise of me, and holding onto the critique has also opened my eyes into seeing the presence of this aspect in myself, as well as in others. It was sort of like a poison, what was said, casting doubt. But it wasn’t a bad thing that I held onto it for so long, nor is it bad that I’m now forgiving myself for believing it, and for letting it come to a head. Life’s certainly been interesting since coming to this realization, at least moreso than before, as it’s given me another means to put forth effort for others.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here] P.S.: It would also turn out that L would become friends with my nearby-ish cousin(s) through other connections. So that’s where the serendipity comes in to this story, I suppose. Story to follow if requested.

~I’ll take with me the Polaroids and the memories, but you know I’m going to leave behind the worst of us.~

[Written June 15, 2018; Posted July 1, 2018] [Part 1 of x] [Note: Contrary to my normal proceedings and conduct, I have not asked for express permission(s) as I normally do from associated parties to this, nor for the following associated writings. Partially because I believe it’d be compromising to, considering my overall plan for the next few posts, part because I believe that’d take away impact from my words, and part because of means. If anyone finds offense to my words, and particular segments are indeed about those complaints, I will make changes to my writing accordingly.]

So sometimes I hate how trivial and uncanny events in my life tend to be, but other times I can’t deny when it seems like I’m supposed to be reading it as some sort of message from the powers that be or something to that affect. This was one of those times.  About a week ago, I had a strange inkling to message an old friend. I didn’t get around to while I had the pull to do it, but I definitely wanted to. Just eventually the words I wanted to say went away. However, as I thought about her, I was reminded of a sort of running joke between the two of us.  ”Y’know, I’m still mad at you, have you figured out why??”

Recently, I’ve been playing a game that has minor buffs simply for being in a clan, but the higher the clan level, the better the perks. In this game, I only have and only intend to play semi-casually and only with my normal playgroup, but I do have another friend that plays in her own clan. I got the idea to combine the two that we have in order to actually activate the perks, but I didn’t want to abandon the one I was in. I absolutely adore the clan name, Yubikiri Genman, one of my touchstone phrases, while on the other hand, my friend’s clan was just a play on/running joke within her group, with the butt of it being an acquaintance whom I wasn’t particularly fond of, so obviously I wouldn’t want to be reminded of him every time I saw my name. When pressed as to why that was, the response I received from my friend and the rest of my playgroup was just to forgive the incident, as I’ve already forgotten.

I’ve finally been able to watch Girl Meets World again after a long time, as we finally got Disney Channel, where the show was shuffled onto there exclusively about three years ago. Incidentally, the first episode I caught since the previous incidents was S2E23: the Forgiveness Project. Huh. Y’see, to me, life is about experiences, new ones that broaden horizons, while repeat scenarios allow us to test our mantle if we’ve learned from our past. The world ends with you, after all. And integral to that, is learning.

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, moreso than usual, at least in terms of being focused on one specific set of things. It’s been over three years since, I believe, but as of just now, I believe this particular arc has finally come to a close. The difference is that if it was something that mattered to me, I literally cannot forget what and how it happened.

There was once when my character was called into question, a core aspect of myself, a fundamental and archetypal description. It was said of me that I was unable and even inept when it came to social situations, that I could never get along with others and just “jump in” as it were. At the time, I knew myself that that probably wasn’t the case, but I had no empirical evidence to the contrary, and up until that far, I had no intentions on having otherwise. I kept to myself as often as possible, and liked that, a casual observer may think I was withdrawn, I could understand that. But for someone who was supposed to know me better than that, either there was something horribly wrong with me, or I wasn’t presenting my best self, a sin within itself. Of course, me being me, I shouldered those words, taking the blame onto myself, and the guilt of the thought. Someone had negative thoughts about me, I assumed there must’ve been valid reason, so I took responsibility and said I was at fault for putting that negativity there, or at least allowing it to happen. But another part of me, scorned yet galvanized by the thought, realized that my core personality was being questioned, especially on a matter and context I knew was fundamentally wrong. Inside, deep at the time, but at least somewhere inside, I knew the kind of person I was. Yet, I let the words get to me, and even still, I began to question myself. It wasn’t entirely bad, I suppose, I did use that inspiration to push myself into a few unique experiences that I otherwise wouldn’t have done, and I’m definitely better off for it. [The password to this account is even partially a trespass of that, strange how things turn out.] Despite spending a long time believing I had long since been over what happened and the fallout from the result, I guess the words had always stuck with me. Every so often, I do go back to that day when things were said. I believed for way too long that there must’ve been grains of truth in the words, and I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to certain people long past the point it’s due, while still shouldering everything on myself. I blamed myself for so much for so long, part because of guilt, part by nature. One of the reasons I’ve held onto it for so long was because of what I believed was the nature of forgiveness. The relief from wrong doing, the excuse from guilt. When I’m forgiven for something, typically I feel that, right?? I assumed that was more or less universally the case. [But that only applies when the person who’s done wrong holds themselves accountable for what happened; a separate line of thought I might explore in the future.] For me, I internalized not being forgiven as a reason to keep punishing myself for allowing things to go wrong. Never free from the guilt. I kept that for myself until such a time that I’d be worth forgiveness. Not from her, but from myself. Maya: I'm sorry. I failed. I know you wanted me to forgive him, but I didn't. I couldn't do it. You were wrong about this one, Mr. Matthews. Cory: I never expected that, Maya. That kind of forgiveness, it doesn't come so easy. But life is a long time, and I hope you get there someday. But that's never what I was looking for right now. Maya: What did you want from me? Cory: Maya, did you forgive yourself? Boy/Girl Meets World, nails it on the head every time I’ve needed it to for some direction to think about. It’s made me a better person.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here]

I’ve never really liked the way I looked. Not that I think I’m ugly or anything (except I do, but that’s just preference), and I wouldn’t know what to change how even if I could. It’s not really of any impact; I just think I look funny, and it’s hardly the source of my self-loathing. Either way, I avoid my reflection when possible for this reason. [We’re glossing over the metaphors]

If there’s two types of stores I can spend hours on end in, it’d be crafts or kitchenwares.

Yesterday I spent over an hour in a 10m x 10m crafts store just pacing about as I was envisioning future projects. Store workers started counting for me and giggled when I’d finish a lap, commenting on my faster/slower rounds.

I have a courageous side when it comes to drinks. I will boldly try anything “weird” enough I see on a drinks menu or bottle from the (Asian) supermarket. Raw egg and sprite?? Check. Vietnamese grass drink thingy?? Check. Balute (as a drink)?? On the bucket list.

I also have a particular fondness for breads. Just anything and different kinds of breads. While I’m away, I decided maybe I should extend my courageousness of trying anything "weird" enough to breads.

I just ate a tuna roll…inside an Asian cupcake…rolled in Asian white sweet sauce…covered in meat floss.

There were two butterfly/moth-things fluttering along the trail, as if leading the way. I don’t know why that’s worth particular note, but I followed them for a while.

Arigatō, ageha-chō.

Funny observation I just made at the dock.

“The water comes in with the tide, but despite how strong it is, it’s water, it’s not gonna move a concrete structure. The force is Newtonian though; equal and opposite. The tide hits the dock, then goes out again. But then the next wave comes and meets the one outgoing. They clash, then settle." Water is stupid.

It’s strange, really, thinking about the things that’s changed in the past two years. Last night I lay, staring at the ceiling when I realized that that was the exact scene in my eyes when I originally thought of TLT, just under two years ago.

~Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes~…times two.

It’s also strange, in a different way, how my thoughts have become so turbulent once again. But that’s a thing onto its own.

~The timing, and structure. [Did you hear? He f*cked her.]~

It rained on the first morning I was here. I like mornings, and I like rains. I watched it for an hour.