When I was five, I knew with iron-clad certainty that God wanted me to be a missionary in Yemen.
I knew a lot of things when I was five. I knew that Mr. Simpson, from the first Hornblower TV movie, was the evilest man in the world. I knew that my dad loved me even if he didn’t say it. I knew I hated the taste of watermelon.
I also knew that I was going to be a missionary in Yemen. There were no other options for me. I pulled out the XYZ volume of the family encyclopedia and read the entry on Yemen. It didn’t sound very nice. I readied myself for a rough life in foreign lands.
The thing was, I had read a book about Yemen. It said the women of Yemen were terribly oppressed, and that female missionaries had to sneak into the country to minister to the women there. It was a dangerous job. It was a job that only a girl could do.
It was, in my mind, the only reasonable explanation for why God had made me a girl. He must have known that I was a boy- God doesn’t make mistakes- so if He had gone through all the trouble of making me a girl anyway, it must have been because there was something He needed me to do that only a woman could do. There was no other option. Only Yemen would do.
Today, I told my mom about that memory. We sat down together and in a heavy, halting voice, I told her that I had been, and still am, living in a state of uncertainty regarding my gender. I told her that I had reason to believe that I had God’s blessing in this uncertainty, and that my greatest obstacle, now, was in coming to accept myself the way I knew He did. I asked her what she thought about that. She asked me to keep talking.
She asked good questions, and lots of them. I answered as best I could. She asked me if it felt weird when she called me her daughter. I said no, because it didn’t. She asked me if I was transgender, or if I wanted to change my name. No, I said, and, no, but I have a male name that’s secret, that belongs only to me. I said I wouldn’t tell her just yet, and she said that was okay.
She hugged me, told me she loved me so, so much. That she was proud that I was learning to accept the uncertainty. (We are both people who can’t bear to be uncertain about anything. It is a hereditary flaw.) She said that she didn’t understand what it felt like to feel a gender. She said that she would try.
I don’t like labels. I don’t like identifying, clarifying, classifying. But I know now that if I really am, as I’m beginning to suspect, genderqueer, then my mom will love me just the same. If I change my mind, she won’t judge me. She won’t ask me to change myself to be more, or less, like the LGBTQ ideal.
I didn’t doubt that for a moment. But I didn’t know until now- just now- how much I wanted to hear it.