M: I'm thinking about times in my life where I tried to make things happen. When I tried to make things happen with Puddles, when I tried to make things happen with O -- it's fucking exhausting. It wasn't worth it! They weren't the right men! When the right one comes along, I'm not going to feel like I'm going to have to make stuff happen like this. I do think taking initiative and making requests and being clear and communicating is important. But this energy of making things happen ... that's not allowing. It's not who I am anymore.
A: Because I'm in placelessness, I was so much more able to access joy. Lack of attachment makes other emotional content possible. For instance, I just had the nicest conversation. In the past I would have told him how to do things -- I'd get so busy with that, I wouldn't be present in the moment or really enjoying the actual content of the moment, which in this case was him sharing a play thing with me, which is really in alignment with what I want for this relationship, right? I want us to go back to the place where we were just playing and having fun and being human. So this chat was happening in a direction that is exactly the direction that I want it to go. I noticed that as I was having it, that in the past I would have really focused on fixing -- I'd get anxious about the status of the relationship and then I start fixing everything, even shit that didn't need to be fixed. It would change the energetic signature of the dialogue so dramatically because I was trying to manage my anxiety through it. That's not a good place to live -- it would burden every single interaction I had with a person until I didn't want to be in relationship anymore because talking to them only caused me anxiety. That's what I'm noticing now by embracing the placelessness. Even in this conversation when I wondered when he was coming over next, I realized: who the fuck cares? It's like what you said earlier. When you start planning this stuff, you go into a different place than where they are and then you start to pull them and why? Being in allowing is really easy -- it's being in resistance that is overefforting and clusterfucking.
M: I remember hearing Oprah once said, "the universe doesn't work with desperation" and desperation is not a word anyone would use to describe me. So the fact that I would feel that internally is really quite a dichotomy. These observations I'm making about him and myself and my parts -- I have to keep in mind that while in the process of learning how somebody operates, that's really important data to help me determine do I actually want up be in a relationship with this person? Right now I do because I'm crazy about him, but I don't really know who he is in a partnership. And I don't know who I am yet. I mean, I am a phenomenal fucking girlfriend. Oh my god! I do the sexiest, sweetest, most thoughtful things for my men but who am I in a partnership? I don't know. I haven't been in one in so long. I want to be placeless and open and feminine and vast and in receiving and allowing because that is when it feels most natural and it feels most me and it's the most pleasant, the most fun way to be. These are important things to keep in mind because I used to just get wrapped up in these men. I had discernment inside of me, but I didn't practice it in my life, you know what I'm saying? It's so true: when we're not allowing/receiving -- we're resisting. I feel so much better.
