#outwithit

all of my friends' religion seems very performative. i go to church with a group of kids at my college and i like it. i really enjoy going to church with people my age that think similar to me and who i just like to spend time with. but recently as we've all left university for the summer and have only been communicating over text, it seems to be throwing me off.

i shouted out to my sister in the bathroom earlier today (after i checked my phone on the toilet) that christians feel performative to me sometimes. they had all just texted asking for prayer requests and one texted that she wanted us to pray for her and her friends. her friends were drinking and told her it would probably be a regular thing. she asked us to pray for her and also to pray for them to not drink? (all adults of legal drinking age by the way) i laughed and told my sister about this and just sat in a sense of disbelief. it feels so dumb to me.

it feels like the performative male trend that blew up on tiktok last year where men would don tote bags and matcha lattes and wired earbuds to signify to the people around them that they were cool. obviously you could immediately spot when it felt fake. the problem for me is that these prayer request texts or anti drinking texts or "save me from temptation" texts don't feel fake, they just feel so forced to me. i don't know how to get myself out of the mindset that christians aren't actually christians and that they're all people who just want to shove in my face that they're better at religion than i am. i don't know how to become better at religion. i believe in all the things they believe but i don't know how to socially christianize without feeling like i'm compromising some of my own beliefs and being fake to everyone in itself.

this honestly has been plaguing me for a while. ever since i was a kid, i wasn't "good at praying" and people would always say that prayers didn't have to be special but just honest and from the heart. i struggle with doing that knowing that i'm judging the people who speak honestly, which begs the question of whether they're judging me right back.

i just spent the day with my sister at the mall and near the end of the trip, i found a pair of glasses i loved. my sister immediately went, oh those make you look like papa. i think i would like to look like my grandpa.

he's not a blood relative (he married into my mom's side when she was in high school), but he has been my papa, and one of the strongest rocks in my life, since i was born. him and my grandma lived in another state for most of my life but as soon as i went off to college, they moved a street away from my family. so now, i see him and my grandma a lot more often than i used to. they come over for every holiday and dinners once in a while. i've loved having the man who has inspired me to continue performing so close. he's a part of the reason that i do what i do.

whenever he comes over to our house or i go over to his, he will greet me with a fact or a song, and whenever the conversation lulls, he will start singing a melody i know to get me to sing along. he was a performer for many years and we share stories often about theatre and he will share a fun fact that nine times out of ten i already know but i am still amazed every time. amazed for the sake of connection.

just recently we went to go see a production of the wizard of oz together (my whole family and my grandparents), and before the show he sent us photos of him as the guard of the emerald city. i love those photos because you can see the joy in his eyes behind those silly green glasses and the smile that makes up half his face. i've seen countless videos and photos of him performing, but i don't remember ever seeing those specific ones before.

he shared stories of all the people he knew who did the show with him and all the people he thought were so talented (and those he thought were odd). i found myself asking what theatre he did these shows at, not just for the sake of connection, but to maybe work at a theatre he once did and to feel the same joy in those stories. he doesn't do shows with that company anymore (i actually think they've disbanded) but i wondered what it would feel like to do a show with the man who has inspired me to push further and laugh louder.

he has such a passion for theatre (and for murder mysteries), which makes me want to encourage him to audition for something now. i want him to audition for shows at theatres i grew up loving, and to share the knowledge he's given me with other performers. i don't think he will want to do that, though. but i do want him to never stop sharing his stories with me and my family.

i'm currently taking a political compass test so forgive all the politics speak. i don't really know much.

one of the first questions spoke about the question of whether we should be proud of our country. i think there's a difference between pride and recognition. i recognize that our country has done some cool things. we left england (like 250 years ago nearly, i learned yesterday). there's some cool people who lived or live in america, like [insert cool person who hasn't done something controversial, i'm personally a fan of my four year old cousin]. but we've also done some pretty messed up shit, and aren't even close to "reparations" and honestly recently have been making it worse.

not to get too political, i'm gonna take a step back. pride, by definition, is a feeling of "reasonable self-esteem . . . confidence and satisfaction in oneself". i don't think we are at the point where we can be satisfied (pleased or content with what has been experienced or received) with what america has done. taking it another step back, i don't know if i'm proud of my entire life this far, but i can recognize the good things i've done and be aware of the things i did wrong and do my best to fix them. recognition, again by definition, is to acknowledge.

i think that recognize the good of the country i live in, but i think having pride is a step past recognition and actively works to ignore the bad of the country.

the question poses the idea that to be proud of your country is to be foolish. i don't think it's stupid, but i think it is "unwise".

i don't understand economic globalization so i am going to reach deep into my gifted kid roots and try to do some research and writing but i refuse to use the google ai feature.

basic definition: "the widespread international movement of goods, capital, services, technology and information" (Wikipedia)

that shit doesn't make any sense.

after reading several reddit threads, and some random harvard blog, this is what i have determined.

economic globalization is the process where trade between countries is greater and smoother. more countries trade + less barriers (no trade sanctions, aka the government saying you can't trade with a certain country, or tariffs, aka taxes on imported stuff) = economic globalization.

economic globalization has pros and cons.

pro: you can shop online! and buy things from other countries! (or that are manufactured in other countries)

con: you buying things online takes away money that could've been circulated in the local economy, thus taking away jobs that could've been created. (thank you reddit user No-Albatross5885)

pro: leads to overall economic growth

con: a lot of that growth is for BIG COMPANY, not local business

pro: countries could be a lot chiller with each other, etc.

con: it also leads to environmental issues like deforestation

this is my first ever tumblr post with my name on it.* i've used tumblr for over four years now under a random name to just browse and experience but i want to write and say things now. i want to create a website where i can post too but for now i will use my new tumblr blog. welcome.

i'm a college student and i just returned home for the summer. i've been living in this space of self-improvement and "fixing" myself for so long that i can't seem to breathe anymore. my entire feed is just "how to eat better" "how to work better" "how to be better" and i feel like i might scream. i've spent the last two days off of instagram and tiktok (deleted the apps off my phone and everything, which is a very huge deal for me thank you very much, two days sober) but just opened it again when i could search up the instagram dot com on my computer. i immediately felt like death and the bubonic plague were sitting on my front door, with hands ripping out my chest. very dramatic.

i don't think that being on social media is good for me. i'm a performer and my whole life is very much about my body and face being on display for an audience to see. i think putting it on display on social media will make it a lot worse for me overall. people don't like my post, but will comment on another one. i thought we were friends. it's interesting. it's very teenage of me. but i finally feel less juvenile and angry and little baby dumb when i can actually pull myself away from the scroll of it all.

before i deleted instagram and tiktok, i went through and unfollowed all the fitness and nutrition influencers i followed previously. i'm super into fitness and nutrition (looking to possibly minor in kinesiology but that's a whole other topic), and originally followed these creators for inspiration. that inspiration slowly bled into me wanting to fix whatever was "wrong" with me that they said was wrong with me. i would look at my first-year, teenage, university-going self and say "why do i not have everything together?". writing about this now it honestly feels so dumb. i was looking at these perfect people and just dreaming about "when i get my shit together" and taking it to heart, not just viewing their content.

i don't have to be anybdy right now. i've started taking photos of the things that give me joy on my physical camera, or my phone if i don't have my camera beside me. i just have to exist and be who i am and have a few goals and smile at my grandparents and listen to good music and exist. social media doesn't get to tell me that i am allowed to exist.

i fucking hate instagram.