#outofthunder

On May 10th, my Grandmother had surgery to put in a Pace-Maker.  She has severe A-Fib made worse by her anxiety, other mental health, and health issues. She is 89 yrs old; and while I’d like her to live forever cause she’s my Grandma (and I love her in-spite of how manipulative and abusive she can be) I get that she’s had a full life and the end might be coming soon.  In fact it’s been a topic of conversation and she’s at the point where she’s giving a lot of stuff away.

Her surgery was very successful.  Instead of beating on average at about 160 bpm her heart rate at rest is now a cool collected controlled 80 bpm.  The first few days after surgery she was doing great!  We were all breathing a small sigh of relief. That Saturday, the 13th of May, she even had 10 friends come over for what was supposed to be lunch and a few hours playing cards.

What was originally supposed to be just a few people for a couple of hours to visit with her turned into this whole sit down lunch production Italian meal and marathon pinochle playing session.  There was a huge overblown lunch, then snacks, and dessert; merely three days after her heart surgery.  She sat up past 10 pm playing cards with her friends.  Which would have been fine had she truly been up to it.

She was not.  The next day, Sunday, she was exhausted, having issues getting enough oxygen, and generally feeling lousy.  Couple this with her full-blown anxiety, and her refusal to take the medications for it; and Sunday was not fun for anyone involved.

From May 14th to May 26th, we visited the ER at least 3 times with her.  The local hospital was less the useful on her two there.  They basically sent her home without determining why she was so short of breath the first time.  And made her wait 12 hours before admitting her for observation the second time with out giving her anything to eat. This in spite of the facts that she is a Diabetic, her sugar was like 50 when we got there; her doctor had sent her to the ER because she has a history of Blood Clots, Stroke, Congestive Heart Failure, and Pulmonary Embolisms and the doctor suspected something was going on like that; repeated requests from me that they feed her; and us telling them that she just had a pace-maker put in and could not have a stress test - so contact her heart doctor.  It was only on the third trip by ambulance to a different hospital because she feel off her walker on the way to see a doctor; that they found the congestive heart failure (most likely due to a kidney issue) and it was able to be treated.

While all this was going on, my parents took off with my brother for a weekend camping trip to celebrate a successful course completion.  So they were all gone, at least they took the dog with them for that, from the 19th to the 21st of May.  Yay, to three days alone with my anxiety ridden self sabotaging Grandma .. let’s just say that was a very exhausting weekend.

On the Tuesday after this camping trip, the 23rd, my Mom finally decided to come clean and honestly tell me what’s been going on with her.  IDK why but apparently bad things are big secrets in my family; I’ve officially been pissed off/tired of this shit since my Grandpa died 17 years ago.  

Anyway, back in April my Mom had told me that her doctor was sending her for some tests.  That she had some cysts in her liver that the doctor just wanted to keep an eye on; and that basically this was nothing to worry about.  I took her at her word.  Of course, this was all just some kind of fabrication and not the complete truth.

She has Uterine (aka Endometrial) Cancer.  There was some question as to the severity and concern that the cancer had spread; that her liver and ovaries could possibly be involved; and that it could possible be Ovarian Cancer as well.  Last Thursday, June 15th, she had a complete hysterectomy. Doctor says everything went very well, and looked good.  He only had to take the sentinel Lymph Nodes (4 Nodes).  But we won’t know anything for definite until the pathology report comes back on Monday. So fingers still crossed, and breath still kind of held; but it looks like she will be okay.

Since she told me, I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess.  I’m not myself, and I know it.  Plus, my Grandma is just this week getting back to managing herself a bit more; I’ve been getting up early and going to bed late to make sure Grandma has all her medications and eats and dresses and stuff.  It’s all been very wearing.  And I feel like I’m walking around in a fog.  Nothing freaking feels right; my own anxiety is through the roof; and if I wasn’t taking care of both my Mom and Grandma I’m not sure I would be getting out of bed.

On top of that, with everything going on I did not work quite as much as I hoped to have been able to at the end of the school year; and haven’t been driving much the last week or so either.  So my finances have me super nervous.  And not getting out and doing anything, is basically wrecking further havoc on my psyche.  There have been days where I have legit just starred at my drafts because I can’t figure out how to function, let alone word; and other days where I’ve basically only been able to do crack/smut.  I’m afraid I’m failing all my RP partners; freaking out / failing my friends; and basically just failing at life in general.