37 (will be 38 in February)

Rules:

No incest

No god modding. Control over my muse is possible if we talk about it for a thread. But we MUST talk about it beforehand.

DO NOT SPAM LIKE/REBLOG MY POSTS. It's an instant block. I've gotten tired of blogs doing this. Especially ones I don't follow. I have less patience for bots and I can understand mistakes/tumblr pulling some fuckery. But you have to come to me and tell me if that's what's going on. I'll give at least a day after bringing the issue up.

There will be dark themes on this blog. (though given the nature of the show, I doubt it's a surprise) Including problematic/toxic relationships. They will at least be talked about. I have no issues rping anything toxic and I will do my best to tag what might make my friends uncomfortable. But only my friends. Violence and cursing will NOT be tagged. I am an adult and shouldn't have to do that anyway.

If you are going to soft block or hard block me? Please tell me that you will. That you're going to leave. The only exception is if we're not close/are new mutuals. No one owes me an explanation as to why they want to leave, but I do want to know that someone I care about is leaving. So I can accept that it will happen and not just be hurt at a random 'friend' vanishing. The choice of blocking is up to said mun and I'll be able to handle it at that point. I'm sorry if this sounds strict but I've had too many bad experiences with this. Especially the soft blocking.

I ship a lot of things but not everything. I'll support what my friends and others may ship. But there are some I will not.

Vox and Lucifer: I just don't feel the vibe on this one. But it doesn't mean they can't 'flirt' to make each other uncomfortable. I love banter like that lmao.

Adam and Charlie: For many reasons I will not be involved with that/have anything to do with fanart nor any asks involving such a thing. Those will be deleted right away. Normally I wouldn't mind the idea of teasing/messing with Luci, but I know there are people out there, who would take advantage and overdo it. Especially on anon.

Adam and Lilith: I don't actually hate this one per say. Plus it is part of canon and I can let some asks and interactions slide. Just don't push your luck.

So I was scooting through a Google search last night at about 10pm, trying to find myself some new Initial D fanfic to read in bed. I’ve been an ID fan since 1998 and my love for the series came back hard about three months ago, much like my love for FFVII. I’m old, friends. 

I’m scrolling and scrolling, but only finding ancient, archived ff.net pages because let’s face it, Initial D is an antique now, and even the anime remake of the first season is like, five years old. I click an author’s page that shows the search I’m looking for and find a half dozen or so fics, some rated R, some just gen. Okay, I think to myself, the first gen fic is written well, involves my fave characters, and is only about 5k in length. Long story short, I read the author’s other ID fics, too, and they’re great. 

By this time, it’s about 1130pm. An hour and a half past by bedtime.

The longest one is 60k, and it’s magnificent. Four fave characters, story line and character development, decent slow scenes, and some filthy mature content. I’m in love. I scroll through the author’s other fics and find about four more fandoms I once actively participated in and read those fics too, only to come across another lengthy one in a fandom I distinctly remember being part of, but leaving suddenly after a rather bad breakup.

That fic is also nearly 60k, and is unfinished. It’s emotionally scarring, mentally dangerous, and frighteningly familiar. Was it a favourite from twenty years ago?  I ask myself. Surely I would’ve bookmarked this author on ff.net or aff.net, when I was practically living there.

Keep in mind it’s now almost 1am, and I have to be up at 630am for work. 

It never occurred to me to actually go to the author’s bio page and follow up with how active they were. Maybe they were still writing. Maybe they updated on a different site somewhere else, and left a link behind. The bio page shows the author’s name; a single name from the manga whose fic was the unfinished, emotionally scarring 60k I just finished reading. Makes sense: we all chose screen names according to what we were into at the time.

I click the link labelled ‘EMAIL’ to take a peek at the author’s email address, and to see if it shows me anything. I wait a moment and the email address pops up in a separate window.

It’s my email address. The one I’ve had since about 1995, when I got my first computer at home with internet access. I frown, confused, and try it again with the same result.

Then it dawned on me.

I’m the author. The author’s name is my online writing handle from approximately twenty years ago. I wrote those fics I’d just read. I’m the asshole who left that gorgeous, disturbing, 60k fic unfinished since 2006. I might have to remedy my own mistake and continue writing it.

I’m active. I’m just getting used to living alone again and have been ‘couching it’ for about two weeks, because I finally have all of my living space back. 

You know, ‘couching it’? 

Watching too much Netflix

Watching too much Disney+

Eating copious amounts of leftover Halloween candy and reading fanfic

Putting up Christmas decorations, then basking for hours in the light of the gorgeously-decorated tree

Falling asleep like it’s my job

Reconnecting with the beautiful red couch bought specifically for TV-watching comfort, but commandeered by one’s mother for the last 11 months

It’s self-care; couching it. 

We all have our methods. Mine just involves a lot of sitting, sleeping, lazing about, and catching up on far too much TV. 

Or shorty rp.

Or anything.