#outofroad

I left before the party actually even started. I went to the bar early, just to be safe, I don’t really like entering a place with lots of people already in. Bought a cola and took a seat near the middle of the room. Then I just sat there and watched as people started drippling in. I stood up and walked around the hall, tried making a contact with them. The following 30 mins reminded me that I do not actually know how to talk with people at happenings like that so I just packed my stuff and walked away.

I came back to my home and watched a YT video where the tuber gushed over how much fun he had had with his friends the past week and...

I know I need to talk with people if I ever want to make friends but... Every time I try it seems like they lose interest after a minute or two. Or that they’ve already formed groups and there’s no way in.

The day before I moved here my mom said that she was proud of me ‘cause I dared to step into the unknown and travel. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I keep moving around the country because I can’t seem to be able to make lasting relationships with anyone. There’s literally nothing holding me back. Nothing to turn around for. Nothing to look back to.

This is the fourth time this has happened. Fourth move. Fourth school I enter. Fourth... Not really a rejection, no. I feel like being left out is a better way to put it. I keep pushing myself into situations where there’s a chance to talk and... Nothing. Whatever they say isn’t interesting enough to continue a full on conversation into. Nothing I say is interesting to them either.

This is the last school I’m able to enter since I won’t be getting student allowance for a fifth try. After this... I’m scared that I’ll be continuing this pattern into my work life too. Get a job, do your job, go home, sit in the dark room like you have for the past decade, try to think of where you went wrong. I’m scared that I... That I’ll die alone. I’m scared that I wont be able to escape this loop.

I’ve never liked acting you know. I’ve always felt that standing on stage and saying words someone else has written for me felt fake and that I did not like. I want to be honest with everyone and everything, whatever, whoever, whenever, where ever. Now tell me: Is keeping information to yourself lying? Even when everything hurts and I just want to keep sleeping I still go to school, talk with people there, talk with my family, walk around the town like people do... All the while there’s a storm inside me.