#ottertard

http://gospelofmegan.tumblr.com/ 

There is a night for every story, and with it being the time of year that people across the nation are becoming bigs and littles for the first time, I feel that tonight is the night for my big and little story.

When I pledged my first semester of college I was given a big. Not just any big, but the best big in the entire world. Together we covered the entire campus in pink glitter (not kidding even a little). She was there for me through everything from the moment I opened my eyes and saw her standing in front of me at big reveal until the worst day of my life, last May when I had to move out of the house we shared knowing that she was graduating the next day and I wouldn't get to see her everyday. (I'm seriously crying just thinking about it). Through all of that, my biggest hope was that someday I could even be a fraction of that to another girl, because my big is literally my hero.

I waited a long time to become a big. There were a lot of moments where I thought it just wasn't in the cards for me. Until spring semester of my sophomore year. I walked into Starbucks and sat down at my sorority's usual table. The girl across from me who had been pledging for probably only a week turned to me as soon as I sat down and said, "You look like you would like Lilly Pulitzer and Vineyard Vines!" And all I could think was, "Who is this glorious little creature in front of me?!"

And from that moment on, I was obsessed. Like, it was probably unhealthy. I creeped through her Facebook, I even slightly kidnapped her so we could go shopping. And when some guy at the mall started harassing her, I immediately went into grizzly mom mode. For weeks I hoped that she liked me as much as I liked her, and tried so hard to seem cool and caring and nurturing and crafty.

Then came the night where they would announce the new big and little pairs. I couldn't sit still the whole meeting. Finally it was time. I didn't breathe until the new member educators said, "And Courtney's big is...Lauren." And then I started crying. I'm not even kidding, ask anyone who was there. I had waiting 4 semesters since joining my sorority, and I was finally a big. But more importantly, I had the most amazing and perfect little that had ever existed.

We did our little anonymous email thing even though she totally knew it was me the entire time. We went golfing. We went on CPK dates and ordered the exact same food. I downloaded a stupid texting app that was almost impossible to use just so we could talk faster. It was more exciting than having a new boy to talk to. I don't think I slept much for the rest of the semester. Now it's all just a blur of crafting. After all, I had 4 semesters worth of pins on Pinterest to catch up on!

Finally it was the night of big reveal. The three weeks leading up to it were probably the longest of my life. When it was finally my turn to reveal myself, my face hurt so much from smiling. And then she started crying. For a split second I thought she hated me and was upset that it was me. I asked if she was okay, and she managed to say, "I'm just so happy!" And then we took a million pictures and she opened her presents and I kinda kidnapped her again and we sat in my car in the parking lot for like hours just talking.

School ended in a ridiculous blur. When my family went on vacation this summer she drove down to see me and put up with my family and the whole not having water situation at the house we were staying at. We texted constantly.

And that brings us to now. It's her first semester being a full fledged sister, and she's doing awesome. She's social chair, and she's kicking butt. We still text almost constantly. (I only say almost because a lot of the time we're together). She randomly shows up at my house with snacks and Halloween decorations for my window. We end up wearing the same outfits a lot. People think we're weird, but I don't care. We say the same things, get the same drinks from Starbucks and the same salad from the OE. 

I have known that this day was coming for a long time. Honestly, I've been crying about it off and on since August. Tomorrow I have to move out of this house, I have to go home for the summer, I have to say goodbye to my best friend, my big.

I know it's not goodbye forever, she's just graduating. And she only lives like 2 hours away from me. But it won't be the same. Looking back on the past three years, I don't know how I would have gotten through them without her. She is the best friend I have ever had. Not to get too deep or sappy, but I remember being younger and lying awake at night wishing I had a real friend. And I'm so glad I held on until this point, because I found it. Sometimes I forget that we're not actually the same person. It seriously feels like we're two halves of a whole.

The past week has been one of the best weeks of my life, and it physically hurts to think about the fact that it has to come to an end. I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be. I will miss our dates, to Jamba or CPK, or to get macarons, or to the movies. I will miss sitting around after sorority meetings talking about everything. I will miss all the random things she says, like her Ryan-bunny imitations, or when she tells the kid at Baskin Robbins that he "darn-did fuck up". 

I'm trying so hard to be strong, because I know this is just as tough on her as it is on me. And I'm so proud of her. She's graduating on time, and her final project is kick-ass. I know she's going to go out there and do great things, but I'm super selfish and wish that she could just stay with me forever. 

I'll carry on some of our traditions even though she's not here. I'll always end the night with a trip to Denny's for a bacon avocado burrito. I'll go visit her old boss at the bakery. I'll take my own little on dates to Jamba, and CPK and the movies. I'm going to continue on the work she started with the sorority, and put into place all her ideas on making big and little relationships better, because honestly, I think every girl deserves a relationship like ours. 

And now I'm super embarrassed, because I honestly don't think I've ever even cried over a boy this much. But my big means the world to me, and I'm so excited for her. And that's what keeps me going. 

Dearest Big,

You are the nearest and dearest person to my heart, and most of the time, I feel like you're the only person who really gets me. I know I can be a total brat all the time sometimes, and I want to say thank you for putting up with that. Because most people don't. Honestly, over the past three years, it seems like most people have come in and out of my life, but you have been the one constant since big reveal. I know that you work really hard to keep our little family together and somewhat functional. Even though other family members come and go, you will always be my number one. It's just wishful thinking that we could all be together and happy. But as long as I have you, I don't need anyone else. 

My new year's resolution this year was to have as much fun and make as many memories as possible with you, because I know our time being glued at the hip is coming to an end. (Cue the tears). I cherish our Swanky Saturdays and deep life conversations in our hallway more than you'll ever know. Nothing could ever take the place of those. 

You will always be the narwhal to my manatee, the avocado to my bacon & egg burrito, the classic sweetener to my green tea lemonade, the wedge of lime on my Cosmo. I love you more than Lilly Pulitzer, pink, glitter, kitties, and even Starbucks. No matter who I meet or who comes back into my life, they will never come close to my bond with you. 

Love,