#oscars 2014

Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak in the Vanity Fair Oscar Party Portrait Studio. Photographed by Mark Seliger.

Happy 49th Birthday Cate Blanchett (May 14th, 1969) 

Dear Internet,

Jordan Belfort (Leonardio DiCaprio) is now my hero. I have a young impressionable mind, and after watching The Wolf of Wall Street, I think it must have been glorious to be an employee at Stratton Oakmont during the late eighties. I would have been so lucky to have been a female assistant there. The Wolf of Wall Street is a film about amazing, heroic, and very very very enthusiastic go-getters who really knew how to have fun. The movie made Wall Street look beautiful, sophisticated, and glamourous. Where were these men when we needed them in 2008 when the economy fell apart? Because this film clearly shows a firm full of hard-working honest criminals who like doing coke off of nice ladies' bottoms. Guys, I picked the wrong path in life! 

I was so impressed by the midget-tossing and stripper marching band in the office. Those are great ideas! Paying a female employee to shave her head and get breast implants is just a fun way to boost office morale. Open sexing of cheap hookers in the office is so cool and probably saves the firm a lot of money. Getting a blow job by a female sales assistant in a glass elevator for everyone in the office to see?? You kiddin me? Dang, I really think it's cool to take Lemon Quaaludes and crash a Ferrari just before you have to do an emergency bump of coke to dig food out of your choking best friend's throat, who is also high. So badass. A guy ate a live goldfish, and dude, now his employee is super motivated to sell stock, obviously. The characters in this movie were all Ray-Ban clad cool cats who were totally in control of their life. 

Jordan Belfort and his buddy attacked and dry humped a flight attendant during a Quaalude high then Belfort had to be tied to his seat. He doesn't even remember it when he wakes up! Yes! What a wonderful and not at all disgusting and sad life! Those were the glory days of the hard-working Wall Street criminal.

Jordan Belfort's pep talks that get all his people screaming their brains out like crazy animals because they are so amazingly and barbarically hungry for money just shows us how those were the days of a real America full of real men. The lazy pothead kids today should learn from this movie, and learn that Coke and Quaaludes are the drugs of a better America.

The most impressive and neato part of this movie was at the end, when Jordan Belfort went to jail. Whoa! So glamourous! Thanks Martin Scorcese. The newly degreed business majors are packing their bags for New York City right this minute, and maybe, just maybe, we can get our country back on track.

Sincerely,

Movie Mumbo Jumbo

SOME OF MY FAVOURITE LOOKS FROM OSCARS PAST: Lupita Nyong’o in Prada at the 2014 Oscars.