Possible trigger and definitely Rant Aler
There is someone who makes me feel ugly
The more I am around them, the more ugly i feel-ugly with hate, frustration, judgement, fear and pretty much any other heavy destructive emotion a human can feel.
I think about the notion of looking at someone and see them as we are. seeing the things in him that is in me. hate, frustration, judgement, fear...
It feels terrible.
I wish I could just cut it off. Cut him off. And I pretty much plan to do so once I am no longer at home. But he will still be here. He will still be in contact with my parents.
And this ugliness inside of me will still be here too.
And I don't believe that forgiveness is for everyone - even if that is the noble thing, the thing of saints and enlightened people. But I am not a saint and I am not that enlightened yet...so I guess I'll just tote these feelings around a little longer and see what evolves or devolves.
The hardest thing is not knowing what to do. Feel damned if i do damned if i dont. So I just do nothing with him. Try to manage my symptoms and learn healthy coping mechanisms and focus on developing myself and my voice as much as possible. Way beyond how he makes me feel and how much I dampen my voice and life when he is around.
