#originalia

Having spent years exaggerating what you know on resume after resume, are you now finding it difficult to conceal your skills and experience? The simple passage of time will cause a certain layer of barnacle-like expertise to accrete on even the most unambitious employee. But let's say you do possess a certain amount of drive. Let's say you do entertain fantasies of one day working for a decent wage in a pleasant environment with people you respect and a vocation that you enjoy. To that end, you may have acquired abilities, talents, and knowledge that permit you to aspire to the next level on your career path!

Big, big mistake.

HOW TO DEQUALIFY YOURSELF

The simple fact of the matter is that no one is leaving those mid-upper-echelon jobs, at least not without a good push from behind. Your stellar resume is a complete albatross, and it doesn't matter how much you assure the interviewer that you won't get bored, you don't need to match your old salary, and frankly, filing and photocopying are sort of cool. No one believes you. It's time to doctor your vitae to reflect your newly incompetent and highly employable status. (Note that, legally speaking, these alterations are to be considered "typos" should criminal penalties result.)

1. Add five years to your college graduation date. If this puts your graduation into the future, replace the date with a hopeful question mark. Delete any advanced degrees; these can be safely disregarded as merely a "phase" you went through. 2. Remember what a relief it was to delete your first dorky job off your resume as new, shinier jobs replaced it in the queue? It's time for a trip down memory lane. Replace your most recent job with your first job. Adjust dates accordingly. Leave mysterious chronological gaps between jobs; refuse to discuss them. 3. Locate the list of your five best qualities and five worst qualities. Make your five-worst into your five-best (likely no need to change the actual text). For your new five-worst, imagine the nastiest things your most hated coworkers or ex-lovers might say about you. 4. Delete every third skill. You may still claim to understand Microsoft Word or Excel, but not both. Do not under any circumstances mention Powerpoint or any graphics or desktop publishing software. Do not claim to speak any foreign languages, especially if you are not a U.S. citizen. Do, however, claim to have an excellent phone voice. 5. If called to interview for a job, make sure that you only claim to possess about 60% of the required skills and training. Anything more might cause human resources personnel to classify you as "uppity." 6. It's important to meet the minimum standards -- and only the minimum standards -- of dress at the employer's location. Also make sure your clothing is of the lowest permissible quality. If you must wear a suit, make it a very cheap one. 7. Wherever the job is located, claim that you have lived there all your life. Act nervous if the possibility of travel is discussed. 8. When asked for salary requirements, look at your lap, wring your hands awkwardly, and whisper that you'd be happy with whatever your employer thinks is fair. If any insurance or other benefits are mentioned, act amazed and grateful. Weep if possible.

Woman stands on curb, waving frantically for taxi with one hand, grasping shoulder of little girl in other. Girl hugs an Elmo doll to her chest. In an angry stage whisper, the girl hisses to Elmo, “Will you just hurry UP? We’re going to be LATE! We’ll be late!”

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At Starbucks, man talks intently on cell phone. Little boy at same table drinks juice while petting a baby in stroller. Boy offers juice to baby, who is asleep. Boy chants repeatedly in high singsong, “If-you-drink-it, we-go-HOME. If-you-drink-it, we-go-HOME.”

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Little boy is told to clean up his toys. When progress is checked, all action figures have been piled in corner, not put away. When adult starts to pick toys up, the boy growls, “No! They are in time-out!” Then he begins to meticulously sort through the figures and line them up, facing the wall, muttering “time-out … time-out …”, condemning each one.

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In Central Park, small boy in huge, puffy purple coat chases a big black slobbery Labrador through the snow. While presumptive parents/dog-owners and adult friends watch nearby, almost weeping with laughter, boy vainly tries to seize the dog, screaming, “Put your pants on! PUT! YOUR! PANTS ON! PUT YOUR PANTS ON!” The boy is red-faced with murderous rage as the dog continues to elude him.

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