#orchidspawn

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“Uhm, Periwinkle? Can I talk to you?” Goldenpaw couldn’t meet her brother’s eyes, shuffling her paws uncomfortably. 

She knew she shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be telling another soul about that vile, awful part of her, shouldn’t even be speaking of it. But it was eating her alive, and she was sure if she didn’t tell someone soon, it would consume her completely.

Periwinklesun had always been good to her. Kind, sweet. She was sure that when he struck her, he would hold back.

Cormorantsplash paused grooming his littermate, clearly seeing the same thing Periwinklesun saw: intense distress. Periwinklesun stood up and followed her in a heartbeat.

When they were out of earshot of everyone else, they settled down on the grass. Goldenpaw picked at it with her paws, tearing at the ground. Periwinklesun reached out a paw to stop her, and when she finally met his face, his eyes were kind. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked gently. Always gentle. Would he still be gentle after she told him? Would he turn on her like Morningsky did? Would all of them? Would she be alone again? In the cold, in the dark, shivering and sobbing and–

“Hey, hey, calm down.” Periwinklesun pulled her into his side, paw wrapped around her back in an embrace. “I got you. Tell me what’s going on.”

When Goldenpaw was able to calm her breathing, she began. “I…I think I…I-Iknowit’swrongandbadandIshouldn’tevenbesayingthisbutIjustneedtosayitbecauseIthink…I..I…” Goldenpaw shut her eyes tightly, swallowed, and confessed. “I don’t feel like a she-cat.” 

It barely came out in a hushed whisper. Goldenpaw flattened her ears and flinched, prepared for retaliation, for another strike or lecture. But what met her was laughter.

Mocking laughter!

“I-I know I shouldn’t!” She began desperately. “I know it’s bad–”

“What?” Periwinklesun’s eyes widened. “No! No no no no no no! I wasn’t laughing at that, it’s just–well–I thought you knew I wasn’t always called a tom.”

Goldenpaw blinked, sniffling. “What?” 

Periwinklesun took a step toward her, but stopped when Goldenpaw flinched again. Seeing her discomfort, he settled onto his belly with his paws tucked neatly under his chest. “When I was born, cats called me a she-cat. It felt…like nothing at first, I was too young to really differentiate it from being called anything else. But as I got older, it felt…less correct, if that makes sense. I started to feel uncomfortable and wrong. I was a little younger than you when I told my family I wanted to be called a tom.”

“And they…but…” Goldenpaw was lost. This didn’t make any sense. Everyone was just okay with it? But it was wrong, wasn’t it? It was bad…that’s what Morningsky said. “But where’s your scar?”

Periwinklesun tilted his head. “What scar?”

“The one your mama gave you when you told her? Is it on your belly? Is that why I never see it?”

Something in Periwinklesun’s expression shifted. Goldenpaw’s heart dropped. It was the same quiet rage Morningsky had a moment before she tore at Goldenpaw’s nose. But Periwinklesun didn’t snap, didn’t lash. Instead, he took a long, deep breath and spoke firmly. “Nothing is wrong with you, Goldenpaw. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. If being who you are means being a tom, then shout it from the mountains! We will shout with you, all of us. You’re our brother, and we love you no matter what. And we will never, ever strike you.”

Goldenpaw shook. Not from fear or distress or anxiety, but…this was all so…he…he really wasn’t bad. Or wrong. He was…he was a tom. He was a tom!

“Can I really be your brother?” his voice was small.

Periwinklesun smiled. “You always were, I just didn’t know it until now.”

Tears welled in Goldenpaw’s eyes. He tried to smile back, but wasn’t sure if he pulled it off. 

Bit by bit Periwinklesun shuffled closer, until they could embrace again. Goldenpaw didn’t flinch this time, melting into his brother’s fur. Tears were flowing from his face now, as well as a bit of snot. He sobbed, waves crashing through his body. Periwinklesun held him through it all, laying there with him in silence.

—--

“Do you want to tell the rest of the family?" Periwinklesun asked when they were walking back to the main camp. "I’ll be beside you if you need me.”

Goldenpaw shook his head. He felt lighter, lighter than he had felt in moons, and he couldn’t stop smiling. But telling everyone? He wasn’t ready for that…not yet.

“Okay. Hey, did you know I’m not the only one who goes by something different than what I was first called?

“You’re not?”

“Haven’t you ever wondered why Raccoonpool goes by ‘xem’? Or why Forestfire goes by ‘they’? And why Goosethistle has so many other names? And....

—--

A shadow fell over Asphodelhawk. She looked to see Periwinklesun standing in the entrance to her den. She opened her mouth to tell him to move. Then she noticed the burning rage in his eyes and closed it.

“What happened?” she asked.

Periwinklesun’s words came out in a snarl. “I know what happened to Goldenpaw’s nose.”

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@starfalcon555

--Started off as a normal post but then story inspo got me

--He went to Periwinkle because he's one of the kindest siblings.

--Goldenpaw will still need time before being fully comfortable with his identity, but he gets there!

--"When he struck her" yes, Golden fully expected to be struck by whoever he told, he thought it was normal and the correct response.