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@orblit

     he’s been too friendly. of course they’ve known each other since school, remus is his best friend, but he’s let it show too much. the werewolf has been something of an exposed nerve for him for years— a weakness. something too easily leveraged, twisted and warped and bastardized into something he doesn’t recognize and run through with. he should have known they’d know.

     one singular moment, not long ago, he’d wondered if there was a way back. believed somehow that this dark path was just a detour and that he could be led back to the light with just the gentle touch. amazing how one kiss could change his life— make him believe in some part of him he believed to be killed off. he should have known that they were watching.

     in one selfish move, he’s taken him from a vague threat to be loomed amongst others to a tool to be used. something— someone— so perfectly able to shred what willpower he has left in him by virtue of existence. peter won’t let him be used that way. no matter how much it hurts, he has to let him go.

     no not let go. drive him away. make him run off so thoroughly he can’t question it. he has to be gone. has to never forgive him for what he says or does next because it’s the only way to keep him safe.

    peter’s features have never been so sharp or steely as now, his voice never so harsh, and his words never so entirely biting. even in school he’d been rubbish at being a bully. but then, he’d never had a reason to be. not one that really mattered anyways.

     ❝ you really thought i cared about you? that’s a fucking laugh. honestly the other night— it was a joke. i mean i guess i must have pitied you or something, but really you think i’d actually want a repeat performance? ❞ there’s a harsh scoff, and the words are carving like razorblades into his heart. he doesn’t stop.

     ❝ filthy fucking mutt. you’re a beast. you were CONVENIENT in school, and now? you’re screwing greyback, even i’m not that desperate. ministry might have had the right idea with those capture squads— should tell you a lot. both sides gunning for things like you. are you really stupid enough to think that i could l— want you? maybe you all made fun of little wormtail, but at least i choose when to become an animal. no mindless destruction. no murdering innocent people. bet you could still taste blood on your teeth when you kissed me, couldn’t you? i bet you’ll go off running to james and sirius and lily about all the awful things i said— but i don’t care. i never want to see your filthy halfbreed face again. that get through your thick skull? or do i need to start pulling out the silver and calling the ministry? ❞

     he can be a great actor sometimes, when it matters. and it matters now more than ever because if remus leaves, if he never comes back, then maybe he’s safe. he doesn’t want to lose the rest but he can’t lose him. not to the dark lord. he can’t let him become another unwilling pawn in a twisted game of chess. he sneers, ignores the tears pricking at his eyes, as he cocks his head.

     ❝ you know where the door is— use it. ❞

[ the letter is written on a piece of parchment enchanted in a similar manner to the marauder’s map. in the top right corner in small lettering are the words for the eyes of messr. moony only. how to reveal it’s secrets? it’s the same as the map. he hopes that he’ll realize it. ]

         i’m sorry. i couldn’t do it moony. i tried. i wanted to try for you— for everyone. i couldn’t live like a hunted animal. it was only a matter of time before they found me again and i couldn’t stand it again. i wouldn’t have survived. if my body did my mind would be gone and that’s no life at all.

         i know you’ll try to find a way in which you hold the blame for this, but it wasn’t your choice remus. it wasn’t because i was alone. i wasn’t. it wasn’t because none of you saw signs or should have realized. it was going to happen. i just wanted this to be on my terms. i need this to be on my terms as well.

         i loved you remus. i don’t mean brotherly love. i was in love with you. i fell for you years ago. back at hogwarts. i didn’t realize it then. i didn’t realize it when we kissed. or when the war ended. or when i spent twelve years running from all of you. or when you brought me back to life. that’s what you did when you forced me out of hiding in my rat form. laying on the floor, bleeding out slowly in pain is when it came to me. i was dying and i knew i loved you and that i couldn’t love you. that you deserved better.

          that’s why i told you the truth in the hospital. because i loved you and i needed you to know. i needed you to know because i needed to see the disgust and anger in your eyes. i needed to know that there was no possible way you could ever love me because i’d rather you hate me and lose you forever than think there was any possibility you could feel the same as i did. i knew then what i was going to do and i thought maybe i could make it easier for you if you knew that i was a traitor. that i’m the reason members of the order were killed. good men and women who deserved better than what they got.

         when you remember me i’d rather you do it with anger and hatred. because it means you won’t blame yourself for something you didn’t cause. but if you must remember me well, then remember school. before the war. before it all went wrong. when we were still kids and when it was all just a game. back when we were moony and wormtail. marauders forever.

—messr. wormtail

                                                                          mischief managed