Iām not usualy the type to vent on my blog, escpcially if I have so rarely proper access to it. Maybe or most likely Even will regret it but hey, I feel bad enough there is barely anything that can top it and I thought maybe I hould write out the mess in my Head. I do doubt it will be seen, so maybe Its somewhat stashed away fror whenever I can look ack at it when things are brigher to compare.
I guess there is no denying that I am a very anxious person, social matters are just not my strong suit. Be it in a day-to-ay life where I have to do adult things like, answering the door, hone calls, appointments. Most of the time i freeze and shut own, though that isnāt really the point here.
Privately Social is very tricky. I donāt have friendds inĀ ārealityā For which i refer to people in my area. People I can just go and hang out with on occasion. I donāt have that. Iāve always or almost always been alone, itās not nice. I always feel a bit of a pang in my chest about it, Iām not very outgoing and am pretty quirky I have trouble connecting nd was usually scorned in my youth more than liked anyway. I accepted the fact really, sucks and I know only I can change this but In the end Iām not sure what to do so I just...accepted it.
Online? boy. Let me pput forth that i love the friends I made very dearly. They help me get trough my life I just love them more than I can cohrently express. They are just immsnely dear to me.
Yet I also have been hurt more often online than in ārealityā of my home and area. The hurt it caused is as real asĀ the care I felt for the people who caused the ache and lost in my life. Iāve been devastingly scared of loss since then. I donāt want to be alone and on my own I donāt want to loose more people I care for. But the little destructive thoughts love to convince me otherwise. I Know they are wrong,I ure fucking hope the are wrong but imagination is pretty powerful ad hurtful too. I Donāt want to loose my friends, I donāt want them to hate me or just be tolerated around. I always feel like a third wheel in every situatio I am. Easily discarded and esily forgotten, itās just me anyways. I trust those dear t me, i would lay my fucking hand in the fire for them, but those thoughts...it hurts. They make me feel lied to even if it isāt the case, make me feel unappreciated, Unloved, ignored and discarded as soon as its possible. Itās a nuisance to interact with me at all.
There a phases where it is gone, othere where it comes back like now and I just...am afraid to mention it because I feel unreasonable and stupid to feel the way I do over made up thoughts that I canāt always stop frm re-occuring. I feel like a mess, I feel like an asshole and worst person in the world. itās where you want to fall asleep, not wake up and stop being a burden to everyone, even if I carry non of those ādesiresā like. At all. Iām fairly fine with living, BUT
I just donāt know what else to do than swallong down all this and keep it to myself because I donāt want alienate people I care for. Iām surely not in my most reasonable state, and I know, or well hope the thoughts are wrong. But this way I feel with everyone I am facing just because Iām afraid of loosing more and being rejected and booted out like garbage again.
I always try to be better than i was the day before. I just...feel really hurt for what seems to be no reason at all..
