#opheliadagger

There’s a Reddit thread right now about 90′s music nostalgia. I listened to a bunch of the stuff they posted, most of which conjured memories of many hours on Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. But it also made me feel that weird sad-happy excitement that only comes with nostalgia. It’s addictive and beautiful, that feeling, so I went to Spotify, searched for Reef - Place Your Hands (the club anthem of one of my greatest, but lost, true blue friendship groups - Charlie, Billy, Chris, & Andy - 2011) and commenced upon a glorious ‘related artist’ linked journey through some of the best years of my life.

I don’t have enough of a passion to actively search for music any more, but between 2004-2009 I had a constant soundtrack, and I had completely forgotten about so much of it until tonight. Going through related artists, band after band came up, and song after song. If I didn’t recognise the title I’d play it anyway, and immediately all the words would come flooding back. Words to songs I'm convinced I’d never have thought of again. Songs like Our Lady Peace - Clumsy, Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily, or Mest - Chelsea.

Oddly, the song that brought back a memory I thought I’d lost to time was a song which I still listen to, but which comes from those same days of Good Charlotte, Fenix TX, Alter Bridge, Less Than Jake, et al. It’s Stone Sour - Through Glass. For me, Through Glass was one of those songs you hear once and it immediately takes up home in your heart, never to leave, attaching itself to a time and a place irrefutably. Tonight it dislodged a memory which, the night it was made, I remember feeling that I was living life the way movies always tell us to. 

My memory of it is hazy now; all that remains are character names and a shot from a montage sequence. 

Third year of university. We’re in the woods behind campus. I’m with Cat, Beth, Rob, Louis, Phil, and Simon. I live with Phil, Lou, and Simon at 1 Friends Road. Cat and Beth live directly across the street at number 2. How cute, right? We took the F.R.I.E.N.D.S dream literally. Rob lives somewhere... I remember he has a couch and a door...  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We have a pretty decent bonfire, and we’re sitting drinking in a circle around it. It’s cold at our backs so I’m sitting huddled up to Rob. I can see Cat and Beth doing the same across the fire, Simon is sitting a bit further away to my right, and Lou and Phil are to our left. In a moment of silence, someone quietly sings, I’m looking at you through the glass, then someone else joins in, don’t know how much time has passed, then we’re all singing. We’re all singing and hugging in our pairs and smiling at each other like we know this moment is special and there won’t always be days like these. 

My first novel, When We Were Alive, is coming out in March, 2016. And that’s wonderful, childhood me would definitely buy me a Freddo and give me the best spot in the den for that. I did it, I finally ticked something off the bucket list. The bucket list which only has three items: write a book, visit an abandoned asylum, road-trip America (if anyone has access to an abandoned asylum tweet me). 

As today is our 2 year friendship anniversary, and the 1 year anniversary of our joint channel, it’s only fitting to talk about my Jim.

Most people who know me from the online internet web system are aware of my best human friend, Jimmy0010. I love Jim.

Way back in 2007(?) I used to be a huge Jimmy0010 fan. This was when Jim was funny, chubby, and in SD. You know, before he went AWOL for a couple of years and came back all thin with a hair cut (I unsubscribed (sorry Jim)).

During his emo Co-op years, I’d watch his videos and it was like watching myself. I KNEW if we met we’d be best friends. A lot of YT commenters say that, and it’s often not true. But with Jim it was like a brain twin I’d been separated from. I obviously had no way of distinguishing myself from everyone else commenting the same thing, I didn’t even make videos then, so I just watched in happy silence.

Cut to 2013. I’ve been making videos for a year. It’s the SitC after party. Everyone is on a boat. I hear from Daniel J Layton that Jack Howard wants to meet me, so I sit down with Jack, give him a hard time, and we get on really well. Obviously. As I’m talking to Jack, Jimmy0010 walks by, and I gasp, ‘Jack, that’s Jimmy0010!′ Jack knows him and shouts Jim over, despite my protests. I felt bad for Jim; he’s trying to have a nice time and someone’s forced him to talk to me. 

Next day, Jim tweets me saying it was nice to meet me, because he’s a beautifully sweet and polite fuck. I see him a month later at a charity thing, and we immediately fall into the patter that we have now. We made a video together soon after and started hanging out all the time. We were as similar as I knew we would be back in 2007. We went from strangers to ‘chelsandjim’ almost immediately. SoulMATES.

Exactly one year later we started our joint channel, ChelsandJim. And now he’s my best friend and favourite human. I’d love to go and tell 2007 Chels how right she was.

Anyway, our birthdays are two weeks apart and this is the middle week, so to celebrate we’re now off to Soho to get food, drinks, and see The Mentalists this evening <3

The first time I saw a foreskin (I think I just plagiarised that opening line from Dickens) I was in a big tree. Now, before you get too aroused at all these titillating details, I’ll point out that I was eight years old. Also the foreskin was probably about seven, but it’s hard to tell with those because they’re born old. Foreskins and scrotums are the Benjamin Buttons of the body. I’d also like to take this opportunity to point out that it was attached to a body. Luke’s body. Specifically it was attached to Luke’s penis. 

A brief round up before we continue: As a child, I was in a big tree when I saw the safe, clean, anatomically correct, atheist foreskin of another child. 

I’m sitting in my pants watching House of Wax, which is fine I’m fine my life’s going great, and who pops up? None other than Chad Michael Murray. And this made me think about all my childhood crushes. I wrote a somewhat sad post yesterday, so to juxtapose that with something supremely banal I figured I’d make a list of everyone I’ve ever been attracted to. Mostly famous, some real. It’s rare I’m into a real life one. 

So, in no particular order (but a rough order), here is everyone I’ve fancied from the age of 4:

Simba (the lion)

Jonathan Taylor Thomas (as Randy from Home Improvement (voice of Simba - related? Who knows))

Jonathan Brandis (Bastian from NeverEnding Story 2 (RIP))

Casper (when he turned into a real boy)

Devon Sawa (who played real boy Casper, but much later in life, in Idle Hands and as Stan) 

David Bowie (in The Labyrinth, a love that will never end)

Elijah Wood (when he was little and I was littler - I’m talking North/The Good Son)

Edward Furlong (as John Connor)

Haley Joel Osment (in Pay it Forward ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Joshua Jackson (specifically and only in Mighty Ducks 2+3, Dawson’s Creek, and Magic in the Water)

David Stafford (went to my primary school, and all my other schools but only relevant in primary school)

Craig Mann (middle school)

Jacob Smith (In Cheaper By The Dozen, warning, do not look him up on Facebook now)

Robert Downey Jr (notably in the 1989 movie Chances Are)

Michael J Fox (as Marty McFly, always)

A French boy the summer I was thirteen (he was an exchange student and beautiful, I said I liked him and gave him my address, he wrote to me after he went home saying he loved me and included a photo... unfortunately in the photo he wasn’t wearing his hat and was less attractive. I did not write back.)

Eminem (from 1999 - FOREVER)

Stephen Boss (some guy who transferred to my high school) 

Frank Skinner (wtf, child me???)

Chris... Someone (some guy I dated in high school, don’t recall his second name)

River Phoenix (RIP)

Spike from Buffy (when they tore down the house tho) 

James from Busted

Jeremy Sumpter (as Peter Pan)

Rob Lowe (St Elmo’s Fire)

Kiefer Sutherland (hot as a Vampire... hot as Jack Bauer)

Leonardo DiCaprio (1991-2006 only)

Adrian Grenier (Drive Me Crazy with Melissa Joan Hart, oh yeah, how’s that for 90s?)

Josh Hartnett (Faculty - in true Napoleon Dynamite style, I really liked his sleeves)

Will... Someone (only American at my high school, only guy who wore eyeliner, was good at art, never spoke to him, but he had the double sleeves like Josh Hartnett in Faculty)

Adam Brody (Seth in The O.C. SETH IS STILL THE PERFECT MAN, also sports the double sleeve) 

Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko/Bubble Boy/The Good Girl)

Jared Leto (Highway/Requiem for a Dream)

Baz (one of my best friends at art school, he was beautiful and hilarious and so interesting)

Tobuscus (2007-whenever Happy Wheels became a thing)

Stewart Lee (young Stewart Lee... old Stewart Lee... all Stewart Lee)

Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild)

Ali Fraser (boyfriend of 2 years during and after my MA, looked like James from Busted and Jeremy Sumpter had a kid... literally wouldn’t have cared what his personality was like, turns out he didn’t have one)

Crabstickz (before I knew him, not that he’s not beautiful in real life, it’s just that Ali ^ used to leave me alone with YouTube when he went to Uni)

James McAvoy (predominantly in the movie Inside I’m Dancing (hold me whilst I weep))

Vinny Guadagnino (I honestly can’t tell you what the fuck I was thinking, this was probably when I was drinking a lot) 

Michael Cera (Superbad/Juno - he said things and had a face)

Jesse Eisenberg (I liked his voice especially when it was saying an Aaron Sorkin script... not so much when it’s saying a Max Landis script)

Robert Sheehan (Misfits/Cherrybomb)

Harry Styles (the early years) 

Jay Baruchel (This is the End)

Dane DeHaan (Chronicle changed my life, excited to see him as James Dean)

Michael Jones (Achievement Hunter)

Ray Narvaez Jr (ex-Achievement Hunter)

Geoff Ramsay (Achievement Hunter) 

Nick Robinson (Kings of Summer is a perfect movie) 

Miles Teller (dude saves any movie with his natural comedy brilliance, also Whiplash)