#oooops.

 When I was very little, I remember having really annoying stomach aches, so I would go to my mother or my grandmother and say “My tummy aches”, and they would tell me that I needed to poop. Then I’d tell them that it was not that kind of pain - it was a pain on my tummy. Many years later I realized I was trying to say that I had stomach aches, but since I had problems with constipation as a baby, they’d always tell me it was because I needed to poop. No, I knew what poop pain felt like - I used to be very traumatised about the constipations, so I knew what that felt like. 

 Nobody ever had explained to me that stomach aches and tummy aches (at least in my language) mean different things. And it really fucking pissed me off because I imagine how much I wouldn’t have to suffer as a kid. Since I was always getting ignored, I stopped telling them I had a pain. I remember that it took me some years to stop having those occasional stomach aches, and it could have been much less if someone would just stop to listen and try to understand what I was feeling.

 I had many times when I was really in a loooott of pain, but adults just shrugged it off like I was just doing it for attention... All it taught me was to hide my pain and be ashamed of it.

 I’m also pretty sure I had depression and anxiety since I was little, but I tought it was normal. When I told my mom I eat my lunch all by myself everyday and that I had no friends to play with me, she tought I was exaggerating. I was too shy and too afraid to interact properly. Now, I don’t blame anyone for this part, because mental ilnessess are complex and people don’t actually know much about it, but damn, I wish I was given more credit on what I used to say. I felt like I didn’t have any real friends until I was 9, and it still wrecks me to think of that. I felt miserable and left out of everything until I was 13 and was actually diagnosed with depression and started taking meds.

 Oh god, I will never forget the week I realised the world is colorful. The week that I noticed that waking up in the morning wasn’t supposed to make me want to die, that making my homework was actually possible!

 People always say “well at least now you are stronger than ever!” and that is true, but it really wasn’t worth it. I still envy (ah, envy is my greatest sin) people who didn’t have to go through it, even tho they probably did, they just dealt with it much better than I did.