#oof ouch

"Hey, um, Elene?"

Calyx felt briefly mute out of guilt as Elene looked up at them, eyes quizzical. "Yeah? What's up?"

They swallowed their fear, arm burning. It was still stiff, and they resisted the urge to rub at it, not wanting to wince. "Can I… see your spellbook?"

Calyx expected shock, distrust, narrowed eyes and questions, not for Elene to light up and nod, getting up immediately and moving to a locked cupboard in the study, unlocking it with a flick of her wrist. Calyx hated themselves for looking, studying the movement.

"Course you can! Ada told me you were learning magic, do you want to get your own? I can take you to where I got mine, if you'd like." She held the book, a hefty thing with pages sticking out, close to her chest. "I remember writing my first spells in. Mother seemed so proud." Her expression went dark for a moment as she set it down on the table. "Not that it meant anything. Crazy that it took her trying to kill me to realise that she didn't actually - 'scuse my language - give a shit."

Calyx gaped slightly. They knew a little about the circumstances surrounding the sisters, but it was always stunning to hear about it.

Elene's expression shifted when she noticed Calyx's. "Sorry. Is that a lot? I don't really have a great frame of reference."

They coughed, forcing a smile. "No, it's okay. That sounds - bad." They frowned, feeling themselves slip back into their usual self. They breathed a sigh of relief that it was still in there somewhere. "No, that sounds really fuckin' awful, Elene. I'm sorry."

She hummed, looking away. Calyx didn't push. Their mum had never tried to kill them, but they still didn't like talking about it. She set the book down on the desk and opened one of the first pages, and Calyx stared in awe at the neat, loopy handwriting, the little drawings around the spell components, the colour coded markers for the type of spell sticking out of the pages.

"Wow. That's really beautiful."

I have to steal this? How can I steal this?

Elene laughed, a little self-conscious. She flipped to a later page, and the difference was striking. Her writing got messier, smaller - all in dark black ink or smudged charcoal. "It didn't last. When I was being sent out to do the dirty work, I didn't have a lot of time to think about appearances."

Calyx reached out, tentative. "Can I -"

"Go ahead. Are you looking for anything in particular? I've got a few fun housekeeping spells somewhere. I mean, I started with useful things. Ada started with fireworks, I think." She sighed, putting her head in her hands. "We should've been so excited about that. Fireworks aren't easy. Anyway, she said she didn't mean to burn my hand, but I think she did."

"Oh."

"Can't blame her. I really liked spilling over all her cups of water. Like," she laughed at the memory, "all of them. For six months, she couldn't bring water around me because I'd either spill it on the floor or on her. Mother thought she was doing it on purpose. God, we were awful to each other. Though she was always the one who got told off, so I can't blame her for hating me, really."

Calyx didn't know what to say. They'd been close to their brothers, but always - competing. If a parent was mad at one of them, the other two siblings turned and looked away, just grateful that the ire wasn't directed at them. They never got them in trouble on purpose, but they weren't helpful either.

They took a deep breath, speaking quietly. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

Elene looked up, and Calyx looked away when they noticed the quizzical expression on her face. "Are you alright?"

"What? Yes, fine. I'm fine. Sorry. I'm not sleeping well." Calyx tensed after saying it despite themselves, probing their mind for signs of K's anger. Please don't be mad at me for that. It's true. Normal people don't sleep well too, please please please -

Elene patted them on the shoulder, then pulled them closer. "C'mere. I'm not great at hugs, but you… do you want one?"

Calyx thought about it, staring at the desk. They did. Want one. The bandages on their arm seemed to get heavier, and Calyx worried that she'd feel them through their sweatshirt, so they shook their head with a lump in their throat. "Sorry."

"Hey, no, that's okay. Offer stands if you ever change your mind."

Calyx sighed and bit at their lip, suddenly warm.

Elene was quiet for a moment, then spoke - tentative, slow. "I don't really… know you, Calyx, so sorry if I'm completely wrong, but you just… seem really sad. If something's wrong, I can help, okay? I used to only work on destructive spells, but I've been playing with protection for a year now, if you need anything. Just ask."

Calyx's eyes flicked over to the spellbook. K wasn't here. They couldn't hear her, either, but the memory of steel cutting into their skin, the cold of the basement, the lines they'd inked out in their own blood, stopped their voice. They had to do this alone. They nodded, crossing their fingers under the table.

They spoke quietly. "Thank you. Um, I'm just stressed about school. These -", they broke off, suddenly feeling a lot like they were about to cry, "oh, fuck - these fucking nightmares, I - I feel like I haven't slept well in - weeks, maybe," they took a deep breath, burying their face in their hands, feeling the full weight of their exhaustion settle in.

She spoke quietly, her voice nothing but genuine. Calyx felt like they would cry from the guilt alone. "I have a really good spell for nightmares. It's really easy. I can do it now, if you want."

They should've said no. Later, Calyx would kick themselves for not saying no. Instead, they bit their lip and closed their eyes, and nodded just the smallest amount, flinching in anticipation before anything had even happened.

Elene murmured something, and Calyx realised with a start how much they'd missed magic. The spell warmed them like a summer's day, and for a moment, they felt more well-rested than they had felt in weeks. It didn't stay long, but the feeling was intoxicating, and Calyx didn't realise they had started crying till Elene cupped their cheek and wiped away a tear, laughing softly.

"That bad, huh? I know the feeling. Sleep well tonight."

Calyx's voice broke. "That was really nice of you." They felt tears start to fall in earnest, wiping them away as they did. Then Elene's kind murmurings and gentle hand on their back opened the floodgates, and Calyx felt immeasurably guilty the whole time that the apologies they forced out between their small, hiccupy sobs weren't directed at her, but at K, who had finally appeared, arms crossed and eyebrow raised, to the side of her.

Fear made them cry harder and they held Elene like a lifeline, breathing with her, in, out, in again - a trick she'd learned in therapy - and K spoke in their mind, voice cool but undeniably angry.

Now, Calyx. Do you seriously think I'm going to let this slide?

The breathing exercise stopped working as Calyx choked on their fear.

— — —

K only kept them for a night, but Ada eyed them warily when they knocked on the door the following afternoon, aching and exhausted. They didn't end up finding out if Elene's spell would work, considering she hardly let them sleep anyway. Sleep deprivation had become their natural state, and they were pretty sure they slept standing on the way home.

"You okay?" Ada moved out of the kitchen, but Calyx didn't see her expression because they closed their eyes and leaned against the threshold of the door.

"Yeah. Thanks." They bit their lip, then asked, "have you seen my key anywhere? I don't know where I put it." They had panicked when they couldn't find it in their bag, going suddenly cold with fear as they thought about taking it to K's the first time.

"I don't think I've seen them? When's the last time you saw it?"

"Um. Not sure." They were becoming steadily more sure by the moment.

They gave a weak thumbs up to her, and walked upstairs feeling like a very pained ghost, body stiff from bruises, sleeping on the floor and walking back again. They stared at themselves in the bathroom mirror, splashing water on their face in a desperate attempt to dispel the tiredness. It didn't work. They didn't really expect it to - they hadn't felt well rested in weeks. At least the nightmares didn't make them feel sick anymore, though they didn't know whether to enjoy the notion that they were used to it now.

They didn't wear makeup, categorically, but they considered it now, looking at their dark circles. Tom still wasn't home. They'd messaged briefly, but it was terse and stressful, and Calyx didn't know what to do.

Well, they did. They had fresh cuts on their stomach to prove it. Tally marks. The number of days they hadn't stolen the spellbook. At least she did it quickly, not giving them the time to scream, just gasp at the sting. They didn't want to give her the satisfaction of showing her that it hurt, but it did.

They took their shirt off, peeling off the bandage on their arm with a wince. It alternated between numb and agonising, and Calyx read through wound care leaflets for a long time, knowing with a quiet certainty that they should be going to the hospital about it, not doing approximations of medical care with supplies they got from the pharmacy down the road. They also knew that they couldn't explain it. How on earth could you explain a letter carved into your arm?

It had stopped bleeding, leaking only when the scab pulled or if somebody pressed on it, which happened less and less as Calyx felt themselves still and dissociate through the days.

K appeared behind them, and Calyx was so tired that all they did was shrink closer towards themselves. Already? I just saw you, goddamnit. Give me a break.

"I can hear that, you know." Calyx froze, apologies at the tip of their tongue, but K spoke before they could say them. "You made a promise, Calyx. I do intend to collect."

They winced. "Um. I know, I'm working -" She glared at them in the mirror, and their voice died in their throat. "Working on it."

"You have two days."

"Two -"

"You've had five. I'm getting impatient. Do you need some extra motivation?" K stepped closer, putting a hand on their shoulder, her other hand drifting to hold the ring sitting against their chest. Their own wide eyes stared at them in the mirror.

Their voice was hoarse. "No. No, okay. Two days. I - I'll do it."

She vanished then, and Calyx heard her reply of 'good' in their mind, shivering at the proximity.

Calyx redressed and walked out of the bathroom, heading down the stairs when they heard the door unlock. They froze out of habit, but broke out in a smile when they saw who it was. Tom, dropping his bag and taking off his shoes. They breathed a sigh of relief, then remembered why he'd left in the first place, and stayed frozen in place till he looked up and gave a weak smile.

"Hey. Missed you."

Another wave of relief rushed through them, and they stepped down a few steps.

"I missed you too. So much. I'm so sorry -"

He cut them off with a hand wave, shaking his head. "No, hey, listen. I - I was so scared, and I got angry, and I'm sorry for freaking out. You - you're allowed to do things I don't know about."

Calyx stared at him, stunned. He laughed, picking his bag up and moving up the stairs, pulling them to their bedroom, talking as he did. "Look, Theo's been doing like, ultra therapy. Like, properly journaling and shit."

"Oh. That's nice." Their voice came out quieter, less genuine than they wanted it to. It was nice. They just couldn't find it in them to push that care across, and they once again felt a sinking horror at how much they'd changed - so quickly.

Tom didn't seem to notice, to their relief. "Yeah, and he got married? Without telling me, which -" He laughed, short and bitter, and Calyx was thrown back years, to those moments he remembered things: betrayals, injustices, and he burned with a righteous anger so bright that they thought he would crumble with the intensity of it. It had never been directed at them. Looking at him now was like looking directly at the sun. "I mean, I guess everyone wants to keep secrets now."

Calyx's face fell, and they tried to reach out to hold his hands but he pulled away, squeezing his eyes shut. Panic rose up, and they spoke while trying to squash down tears. "Tom. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

He sighed, pressing his palms together, looking at the floor. "No. No, fuck. You're allowed to have secrets. He didn't apologise, and he - talked sense into me. I think. You don't need to apologise."

"I want to apologise."

Tom frowned. "Look, I don't -" He clenched his jaw, looked away like he was parsing through something in his mind. "Something's been off about you for a while, Cee. You haven't had this many nightmares for as long as I've known you. You look like a ghost, you hardly talk, and I don't know if I'm just finally losing it, but I… I swear I can smell blood."

Calyx froze, shaking their head. "No, no - I'm good. Just -" They sighed, moving forward to touch their foreheads together. "I'll tell you eventually. I promise."

K's voice, smug and ready to catch them. Is that true?

They shot back an answer, hating that it didn't feel like a lie. No.

Tom sounded heartbroken, holding both their wrists through their shirt - gentle, but firm. Calyx couldn't stop thinking about the cold weight of shackles round them. "Tell me now, Cee. God, if you're in trouble -"

"I'm not. I'm not. Things are just a lot right now." They smiled, trying to make it seem as genuine as possible.

Tom sighed, and when he looked up, a tear had fallen down his face. His voice sounded hoarse, and Calyx once again felt horrified that they'd done that. "Please let me help you. Don't - Cee. I can't - lose anyone else." He looked at them, eyes full of tears that he wiped away furiously. "Please." His voice broke. "I can't lose you."

They didn't have any words to say, their own vision blurring with tears. Tom took a deep, shaky breath when they didn't reply.

"Oh-kay. Okay. Fine. I - fine."

He dropped their wrists and left the room, leaving Calyx unmoored again. What just happened?

They sat down on the bed, frowning when K sat beside them. They didn't look at her, but felt an unfamiliar defiance run through them.

"You're ruining this." Love bolstered them - or, anger, at love being denied. "I hate you. I really, really hate you. I'm going to tell him, and then - then you'll see." They braced for a threat, something to give them cause to apologise, but none came. They got up, looking at her on their bed, anger coming in waves and overwhelming the fear. "This is killing him. You can't just do this to people."

K narrowed their eyes, then shrugged. "Okay."

They paused, taken aback. Okay?

"You can tell him."

Calyx looked right at her, confused. "Seriously?"

"Well. You can tell him, but it will actually kill him. Your choice." She shrugged, looking away as if she hadn't just casually threatened to kill Tom. Their blood ran cold - freezing, and they couldn't say a word.

She looked at them, mouth tilted up in an expression of mild amusement. Calyx felt fixed under her gaze, trapped. A caged animal. "Is that a no, pet?"

The fear was suddenly paralysing, but they managed to get out a yes. "Don't hurt him. He doesn't deserve that."

"Oh, Calyx." She got up, and they pressed themselves closer to the wall as she trapped them - an imposing, terrifying figure of strength - and Calyx had none. No leverage, no power, no control. "That's in your hands, okay?"

They swallowed and nodded, feeling themselves go lightheaded from the breath they didn't know they'd been holding. She stepped away and they let it out, fixing their gaze to the floor till she vanished.

When Tom came back in the room, they looked at each other for a while - and Calyx had the feeling that neither of them knew exactly where the other fit anymore. They pulled out their ring from inside their shirt, noted the way Tom's jaw clenched and he let out a breath as they did.

"You're my best friend, you know that?"

He stepped forward then stopped before they were in touching distance, biting his lip. "Yeah, Calyx. I - I know."

Calyx blinked away tears. When they hugged him, there was a moment of resistance that broke their heart, but he relaxed, holding onto them like he couldn't bear to let go. It hurt. Everything hurt, but Calyx knew that if they had to break their heart, break his heart, to keep him safe - they would.

— — —

K wanted them to deliver the book to her. Which meant sneaking it outside, which meant getting past Elene, who they couldn't look at without feeling uncontrollably, inconsolably guilty, Ada, which felt about the same, and Tom, who looked at them like he didn't know who they were.

Calyx looked at the spellbook in their hands, thought of how easily it'd been to steal. They didn't know who they were either, they thought distantly.

Memories of pain, constant and intense, flashed through their mind. Projections of pain, awful and never-ending, lingered too. I should leave you here to rot. Calyx really didn't want to die. This was like they were selling one of Elene's limbs for their life. This was like - nothing they could explain. This was horrible. They took a deep breath and put the spellbook in their bag, burying it in papers they'd printed just for this purpose. They almost hoped they'd get caught. Almost.

In the end, it was too easy. Elene hadn't noticed yet, and they hadn't told anyone about quitting their job. They slipped out the house, leaving a note on the kitchen table, heart aching as they imagined Tom's face when he read it.

Going out after work. Not sure when I'll be back, hopefully tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Love you guys.

They didn't know if K would keep them overnight. She might. They didn't want to be around when Elene found out about the book.

She was happy. Finally.

Calyx was on their knees, cold again in her stupid basement, biting back angry tears as she flicked through the spellbook like it was some casual affair. They cut her off before she started cooing over another half-finished spell, remembering the times they used to do that with their fucking mum, to get her to stop talking. How had they landed themselves right back there?

Their mum didn't notice what Calyx was doing every time they did it, but K narrowed her eyes when Calyx spoke before she could.

"Am I staying here tonight?"

The book snapped shut. "Yes. Can't let you get too comfortable."

Calyx sighed, keeping their eyes fixed to the floor and hands twisted behind their back. Their ankles were manacled together today.

"Though…" K tilted their chin up. "I'm feeling magnanimous. Do you want anything? A treat?"

Calyx stared at her, slightly incredulous, but spoke quietly when they asked, "Is that… a trick question?"

K tutted and they winced. "No. Why would I do that, pet? Go on, ask."

They thought about it for a moment. Nothing too crazy. Nothing that'd make her mad. Nothing she'd deny, either. They shivered, and before thinking about it, said their answer.

"I guess it could be warmer."

Really, Calyx? Not food? Water? But their internal conflict ended when K clicked her fingers and a fire sprung up on the floor. They jumped back at first, eyeing her warily when the movement shifted them off their knees, then moved closer when she didn't react. They fixated on it - warm and blazing, casting shadows all over the walls.

"Woah." Then, panicking slightly that they weren't quick enough to say it, "thank you. Thank you. Oh, wow." It was warm. Warmth spread onto the floor, onto their outstretched hands, into their bones.

"Go on, touch it."

Their eyes snapped up, suddenly terrified. No, no, no - they should've known it was a trick. Touch it? "N- no, I -"

She cut them off, sighing in annoyance, grabbing their wrist and starting to pull them across the floor towards it, and panic made them stop thinking clearly as they tried to unattach themselves in vain. "No - no, wait, please - no, don't!"

Calyx barely had enough time to scream before she plunged their hand in, and anticipatory shockwaves raced up their hand, only for - nothing.

No burning, no pain, no searing agony. Just - warmth. They stared at their hand in the fire, still shaking with fear and dread, and felt all of it slowly melt away. Oh.

Stunned tears of relief fell down their face as she held their wrist and sat on the floor across from them. They straightened up, wiping their tears with their free hand, not pulling away. She probably wouldn't like it if they pulled away.

"Oh, God. Oh. Oh, okay. S- sorry. I didn't know."

"Well. Now you know."

She let go of their hand, and they breathed through the instinct to snatch it back, pulling it back slowly, tentatively. Calyx looked at her, confusion spreading through them. Was she seriously just being nice? Was that it? Was she done with them now she had the spellbook, and now it was over, and they could go home and never worry about her again?

They sighed, crossing their legs and sitting in front of the fire. They didn't want to ask, didn't want to risk ruining the moment. They were warm now, and so tired. A little hungry, but they could handle hungry. They weren't in pain - other than their arm - but it had dulled now. The cuts on their stomach were shallow. They'd scar, but they might fade, and right now, they just added constant ache that Calyx was learning to tune out.

K leaned against a wall in front of them, picking up the book again. Calyx felt… frustrated with themselves. This had to be a trick. Draw them in with nice things, so they'd do more awful things… but it was so nice to be warm. Even if it was in her shitty basement.

Their eyes closed once, twice, and they were lulled to sleep by the sound of fire crackling and pages turning. Then they felt arms round them, setting them down to the floor, and they curled up around the heat, leaning into the touch, then fell into the most blissful, dreamless sleep they'd had in weeks.

---