#ooc . queue.

when he cares about something, it consumes him, swallows him whole. when he loves, it's so intense he feels like it might break him. he can't love gently or softly, or ease himself into it. he loves very rarely, his broken heart carefully guarded, but when it happens, it's all at once. he loves so deeply he feels it in his lungs, expanding and pressing against his ribs, pushing and expanding to the point he thinks he's going to die, he almost feels sick with how deeply and thoroughly his love runs. sometimes, it overwhelms him to the point he can't eat, sleep, or even breathe comfortably. it can be a touch obsessive and deeply passionate, something that he can never truly move on from.

to that end, once he loves someone, that love isn't going away even if he wants it to. someone could devastate him down to his very core, betray him and tear him down to a shell of who he used to be, and some part of him will always love them. always. no matter how hard he tries, he can't turn that love into hate (and he has tried). love stays with him, clinging to him and refusing to be forgotten. hate ... it doesn't come easily to him at all if it's someone he's loved at some point. when he tries to hate them, he's reminded of the things that made warmth bloom deep in his chest.

sadness goes much the same. he can't be a little sad and move on, that would be too easy. if he feels it instead of being launched into numbness, it's a terribly isolating, desolate feeling he struggles to get out of. it can stay with him, lingering for years if it's intense enough, making joy and even simple contentedness seem so very, very far away.

the lack of control he has over his emotions and how deeply he feels them is partly why he tried to be the life of the party for so long. if he was having fun, he wouldn't have to think about anything else. he could forget everything that exhausts him to his very bones. but, alas, he has to stay sober & keep himself in line. and, really, he'd prefer to feel nothing than this raging storm of emotions that make him feel sick and dizzy and so alone all the time.