#onthepathunwinding

So, in March 2012, I made myself a deal:

If I could go one year without eating McDonald's, I would reward myself with a Barnes&Noble book-buying spree.

Now, to some people that might not be a big deal--but I had a major addiction.

Today, I finally had the spare funds to make this happen.

AND BOY DID IT HAPPEN.

Here are the books I bought:

When I get depressed, please remind me of this moment:

I'm sitting at the table, listening to The Nightmare Before Christmas, looking at a pumpkin harvest from my own yard, reading Sherlock Holmes stories while I wait for Mum to take me to lunch at our local vineyard/winery. I just ordered more Supernatural dvds and I'm planning my Halloween costume (Azrael, angel of death). 

"The ebb and flow--the smaller things, the flight of a crow."

I've waited years for this... (((((O.O)))))

Now I'm just freaking cuz idk how to confirm my sizing through ebay and I hate waiting for emails to come through.  ((((((((((O.O))))))))))

Yesterday I (with my sister, her husband, and their daughter) went on a daytrip to Paducah, KY. In the last few years, Paducah has become a wonderful artsy town, full of craft stores, junk shops, and great independent restaurants. 

I BOUGHT SO MANY THINGS:

*a pair of raw goat horns (they don't match, but I'm gonna mount 'em on a headdress anyway; they were $5 each and huge!)

*strings of hand-made, tumble-glazed beads

*a charcoal/graphite drawing kit

*2 pads of scrapbook paper (on sale for $6 instead of $20!); one is peacocks and bright colours; the other is earth tones, moths, and mushrooms

*tiny glass bottles

*old keys from Ephemera (a super kick-ass store)

*supplies for my super-secret Supernatural piece I'm working on

*miscellaneous art supplies

and finally

*SEASONS 1-6 OF SUPERNATURAL!!! (new for $20 each, bitches)

I don't know if anyone noticed my absence, but I just spent the six days in Boston on a business trip. I had never been there before, and I had SO MUCH FUN!!! 

I wore suit jackets, ate fancy room-service, and even carried a name-badge.  Yup--be jealous. I am now a professional.

Anyhoo, I have returned to the wonderful world of Tumblr, and I will catch up on things. I know I'm behind on new follower promos, the Harris Book Club, and Let's Draw Projects. Also, I have a giveaway in the works.

I feel like I'm being dragged behind a speeding car, and if I could just let go of the rope for a second I could get my legs under me and keep up better, but I know if I let go the car will just drive on without me and I'll never get where I'm going, so what I really want is for the driver to slow down for a minute, but I don't know how to ask him, and I don't want to make him late for wherever he's going, so I just keeping dragging farther and farther behind 

and I know pretty damn soon I'm going to let go whether I want to or not.

Every single day I think about killing myself. I feel nothing but this sickening, roiling, wrongness in my stomach--that, and exhaustion.

Last night I got drunk, and I left myself a note. I found it this morning and it says,

"fucking kill yourself...you'll never get them kill yourself and leave them the note. You think youre happy but youre not. The world in your mind is so much better PLS put me in a hospital i cant deal with this."

This terrifies me. I don't know what to do. Please, God, I don't wanna die but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

earn my PhD in Literature

buy a Yaris (approx. $15,000)

learn French

start full-time corseting

get down to 200lbs (current weight approx. 260)

buy a small cottage

homestead with chickens, rabbits, goats, pigs, and bees

Only a few people (if anyone) will read this, but I guess I'm posting it as a record.