#onmyacefromnow

Soooooooo, Tarryn and I are over… yeah, so I’ve been doing my own thing lately, trying to lure any wandering thoughts of her away from my already self-destructive but barely conscious mind. I say self-destructive because I made the irrational decision of going to visit Tarryn, literally I am “sleeping” on her couch, probably the same one we shared our first kiss on, after smoking the joint I rolled for her like a month ago and having a great time just laughing and talking about random things, #mindfuxking each other with senseless thoughts common throughout stoned youth, I realised for once the weed wasn’t going to make me appreciate a situation more than for just what it was, it wasn’t going to make me fall out of love, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to push the gift of darkness she gave me aside… Then my brain saw #THC trying find a vantage point to just camp and eliminate every hostile thought or emotion because #snipernest and then was all like”NOT TODAY #MOTHERFUXKER” and nailed #THC the face with a tomahawk then continued to teabag him… So over being used for killstreaks.

Tarryn read me a beautiful poem she wrote about depression and how it’s beeeeeeen scientifically disproved because anti-depressants create a placebo letting people think they’re being helped when they’re actually just poisoning themselves and delaying a breakdown that will only be worse when their “medication” is done… But, how can someone who literally watches themself take a step towards their dream every single day possibly understand the misfortunes of circumstance, the emotional complexes of those who can’t even smile at their own reflection in a mirror, the debates which turn into battles within the mind of a young man who’s lost touch with the sweet sanity of rational thinking because he can no longer trust the voice in his head, even though it’s his. The sad thing about all of this isn’t that we’re over, we’re still friends, it’s that no matter what happens in my life, everything is Tarryn, I’ve even declared official Tarryn moments because everything reminds me of her, especially because being with her really soothed my need to be #OCD, the other night I could’ve have broken my own neck because it only clicked on the right side… long story short, I was having a horrible day fighting back this anxiety attack or breakdown and clicked everything perfectly from my fingers up to my neck… Until I got to the left side of neck… It could be a serious problem if my #OCD made me wring my own neck… Not once did that ever happen around her or even when I was with her, but now things are different and for change to be good it must be acted upon as such, because the grind is real.