#oni thoughts

“Finally, I can eat what I want, fart during sex, and give my SO all the dutch ovens I want without worrying about them breaking up with me. Hell, half of my farts have a chance of getting them instantly horny. My sex life has never been better. I can’t believe more people aren’t open to this."

There’s a moment of silence as his friends process this information. Afterwards, at least one of them will go back into the dating game actively hoping they find someone with a fart fetish.

Like, if stress can give people bubble guts, maybe those wires could get crossed enough in the brain that a person can’t have feelings of arousal without also brewing up some gas.

Suddenly, a whole pack of guys comes in. Obviously, they’re all friends who just came from the same place together. They take their positions at the many stalls and urinals that the room has and, aside from a little continuation of their previous conversation, not much out of the ordinary happens.

… but then one by one, they start farting.

Clearly, all of them had been holding in their gas for a while, and these similarly gassy guys are just NOW unleashing what they’d been holding in when they were in public. The various farts are accompanied by groans of relief, laughter, remarks about what they ate for breakfast, and even a little competition. Their common goal, though, is to get out all of these farts before they have to leave the bathroom, and that’s just what they do.

Finally, they all leave the newly hotboxed room, and you have to recover from witnessing what just happened.

Then one day, the gassy person walks into the room with their hands on their stomach and suddenly lets out a real peal of thunder, louder and longer than anything their partner has heard from them. They conclude their fart by sighing and saying, “Oof. I’ve got gas tonight."

I imagine the relief and happiness they'd feel while sitting on a sofa with their friends, surrounded by laughter and conversation, knowing that these people won't leave when their post-junk food farts start rumbling the cushions. Sure, these friends might crack a joke (or a window) if the farts get particularly ripe, but this person won't ever have to worry about being bullied or excluded. In this friend group, letting a fart fly means you feel safe.

I don’t know which idea I like better: a shamelessly gassy person having tons of this clothing in their wardrobe, announcing to the world how much they like to fart...

Then Person A learns that Person B (who has no shame) made the voicemail their ringtone for Person A specifically.