#on cas

The first time it was a mistake. Truly. Dean walked into Cas’ room looking for any laundry that needed doing. Bending over and grumbling about a ‘messy ass roommate’ not putting his clothes in the provided hamper, something caught his eye. There’s a brown leather book sticking out from under the mattress.

He tossed the clothes into the basket held on his hip and walked over to the bed. Pulling it out slightly, he saw the word “CAS” inscribed on the front, and a bookmark about halfway through.

“Hmph,” Dean smirked. Cas had a diary which, for some reason, Dean found adorable. He tucked it back into place and padded out towards the laundry room.

The second time, it was only a little by mistake, or that’s what Dean tells himself.

He knocked on Cas’ door and opened it. “Cas, hey man, dinner is ready. Oh.”

Castiel stuffed the book under his pillow. “I’ll be right there,” the ex-angel said quickly. He walked towards Dean and cocked his head. “Was there something else, Dean?”

“No, no. Nothin’. Go on, it’ll get cold. I’m uh...I gotta hit the head,” Dean stammered.

Cas nodded and headed towards the kitchen. Waiting until Cas was out of sight, Dean tiptoed (literally) into the bedroom and stuck his hand under the pillow. He unwound the strap and opened it to the first page.

“September 18th, 2018-

Dear....what do I call you? Diary? Journal? Piece of paper?

Sam said journaling would help me with conflicting feelings about becoming human. Now that I don’t have my wings or powers, things are very uncomfortable.”

Dean flicked a few pages further.

“November 24th, 2018-

Sam and Dean are making copious amounts of food for Thanksgiving. Seeing as it is my first time celebrating the holiday, I suspect they are going ‘all out’, as Dean puts it.”

Dean smirks and leafs through a few more pages.

“December 25th, 2018-

Merry Christmas, journal. Sam bought me a new trench coat. I didn’t want to tell him, but it makes me feel somewhat sad wearing it. I’m not that angel anymore. Unfortunately, I am just a man now. The bracelet I purchased for Dean made him smile.”

“Dean? Hey, man, I’m gonna eat all the burgers myself if you don’t get your ass out here!” Sam yelled.

Dean stuffed the book under the pillow and darted down the hallway.

During the next few weeks, Dean found himself sneaking into Cas’ room and reading snippets of the journal. He knew it was wrong, but it was nice to get inside the guys head every now and then.

“January 24th, 2019-

Today is Dean’s birthday. He won’t admit it, but he likes celebrating it. Sam got him something called an ‘IPA’ and I made him a mixtape of my favorite songs. I remember how much I like the one he made me.”

“March 19th, 2019-

Today was a bad day. I need to get out of this bunker.”

Dean frowns and flips to the next page. Looking at the spine, he notices alot of the pages are torn out.

“June 12th, 2019-

Things are getting better. Dealing with human emotions isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I like the feeling after I eat toast with honey, but I do NOT like jealousy. Sam explained it to me after @@@@@@”

Cas had scribbled out the next few sentences.

“What the hell?” Dean squinted at the scratchings, trying to decipher it.

“June 28th, 2019-

He did it again today. It’s so nice to see him smile. It makes me feel warm inside. I don’t have a name for this feeling yet, though.”

“July 13th, 2019-

He’s infuriating. Why can’t he just talk to me about what’s wrong? Being human is TERRIBLE!

*Never mind. He’s wonderful.”

“July 30th, 2019-

My stomach feels funny. I checked in with Sam and explained my symptoms. He laughed at me and said that what I was feeling were ‘butterflies’. I don’t understand. I didn’t eat any butterflies, and if I did, my stomach acids would have dissolved them. I’m going to ask Google what it means.

*I understand now. Sam is right. I do have butterflies :)”

“What the hell?” Dean squeaked. He tossed the book down on the bed and stormed out of the room. Something strange was churning in his stomach.

Later that night Dean was drinking a beer in the war room when Cas walked in.

“Hello, Dean,” the ex-angel greeted.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean mumbled.

“Is something wrong?”

“Nope. Everything’s peachy,” he snipped, taking another drink of beer.

Castiel took two steps forward and tilted his head. “Dean, you know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”

Dean shook his head. There’s absolutely no reason he should be this angry at Cas.

“Yeah, buddy, I know. Thanks.” Dean stood up and walked over to Cas, patting his shoulder as he passed. “I’m just gonna hit the hay. Night.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean poked his head into the bathroom. He could hear the shower start and Cas had just started his playlist. He had about 15 minutes before he was finished. Dean dashed to Cas’ room and found the journal.

“August 3rd, 2019-

 I’m starting to suspect he has feelings for me, too. I hope I’m not going crazy. I FEEL like I’m going crazy, but Sam said that’s normal.”

(Dean makes a mental note to talk to Sam at some point)

“He said ‘being in love makes you say and think crazy things’. Anytime I think about him the butterflies come back and when we touch I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m scared to tell him how I feel. If he doesn’t have the butterflies, too, I’m going to be very embarrassed. That’s another emotion I learned. It happened when I ate too many burritos and passed ga--”

“Dean?” a voice called from the doorway.

“Shit,” Dean hissed, turning and holding the book behind his back. “Hey, sorry Cas. I was just lookin’ for--”

“What are you doing in here? Why do you have my--” Castiel scowled.

Dean bit his lip. “Fuck. Ok, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, tossing the book onto the bed with a sigh. “I--I found your diary--”

“Journal.”

“Yeah--journal.”

“And you read it?” Castiel tightened the towel around his waist and charged forward, scooping the book up. “Dean, how could you?”

Panic spread throughout his body and up his spine. “I’m sorry, Cas, really. I am. I never meant to--”

“How far did you get?” Castiel asked.

“What?”

“How. Far. Did you get?” He took step towards Dean.

“I, uh...” Dean flushed red and picked at his nails. “You think the guy you---y’know, might like you back.”

“I see,” Castiel breathed out.

“Which is totally cool, by the way. No judgement here.” Dean held up his hands in defense. “Just--”

“Just what?”

Dean scratched the back of his head. “How’d uh---how’d you guys meet? I mean, sounds like you two see each other all the time and uh, was just wonderin’. You never write his name so, just kinda curious I guess.”

Castiel just stares at him like a confused baby bird.

“Know what? Doesn’t matter. Non’a my business. I’ll get outta your hair now--”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

Castiel walks over to his dresser and pulls out a wad of folded papers. He shoves them into Dean’s chest and motions for him to leave the room.

Dean sulks down the hallway, confused and upset with himself. He shuts his door behind him and sat on his bed. Unfolding the top paper, he smooths over the creases and reads.

“April 7th, 2019-

I’m starting to feel strange things whenever Dean is around. I can’t seem to focus.

April 18th, 2019-

He has a new freckle just under his nose. It’s tiny, but it’s there. Dean caught me staring again today and reminded me that it’s ‘creepy’. I can’t seem to help myself.

May 1st, 2019-

Dean walked down the hallway without a shirt on today. I forgot how to breathe for a moment.

*He did it again tonight. I had very vivid dreams.

May 14th, 2019-

I can’t stand this anymore. I need to talk to someone.

May 18th, 2019-

Sam seems to think that Dean and I have ‘been up each others asses’ for years. I’ve never been up Dean’s ass before.

May 23rd, 2019

I think I’m falling for my best friend.”

Dean takes a moment to collect himself. He wipes his cheek with the back of his hand before standing up and heading out of his room.

He knocks softly on Cas’ door. After a moment, the door opens.

“Heya, Cas,” Dean smiles, clutching the papers.

“Hello, Dean.”

So, even though I'd like to be more positive my opinions on Cas for the future episodes are still negative. If you think the worst then you cant be disappointed when it happens.

I will be devastated though. I can feel it already and I know this is fictional but I cant help but feel like if anything happens to Cas it'll emotionally damage the fans who love him.

I tell my friends that if anything happens to him 'I will never get over it' and I really mean it. I remember when I first read 'Order of the Phoenix' and we all knew that someone in the book was going to die and some of you will hate me for this but I wanted it to be Hagrid so badly. When it turned out to be Sirius I had a breakdown, lol. I remember my Dad came into my room and I was hysterical crying and he was worried something was really wrong and there I was like 'SHE KILLED HIM! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT? WHY!?' and to this day I am 23 years old and I will never get over the fact that Sirius died because he was my favorite. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT! 

This is why I think Bobby wont die and Cas will because even though I love Bobby (how I loved Hagrid) Because I would rather Bobby die then Cas because he really is my favorite. I know that isn't much to go on, but it make sense to me if that makes any sense to you!

I also think in a literal way it makes sense that Cas is the one who might go because in interviews they said the arc on the heaven story will come to a close. There isn't much else that can keep his storyline going other then being there for the boys, which to me isn't enough plot wise.

Who knows though maybe the writers might just shock us and things will have a better turn out, but let's face it this is Supernatural and they have habit for crushing our souls. Every finale episode has destroyed me to the point where sometimes when I rewatch the series I wont watch them because they're too upsetting. 

I hope he doesn't become evil and after this episode I cant see why he would turn against the boys unless he wasn't Cas anymore and I'd rather have him gone then having him be a bad guy because my heart couldn't take it.

Sorry guys I just think about this a lot lately and it really does make me upset. I loved Cas since that first episode. I remember watching it and falling in love with the show all over again because I loved the storyline for the fourth season. I loved Supernatural before of course but it's just like when something you love just gets better and it's wonderful.