#oms 1

It's easy for us to dehumanize cadavers. For a lot of people, that's the only way to remove yourself enough to pick through the cadavers for a minimum of eight hours per week. But the other day I was studying the heart and just stopped to appreciate that I was holding the thing that was once one of the most absolutely vital parts of a person. It beat fast when he was scared or excited, or maybe before his first kiss.

So I just had to write an essay responding to the prompt “Your first semester in medical school is nearing its close. When you contemplate this semester, what experience has been most impactful? Where did you find yourself beginning to form your professional identity? How does this unfolding transformation feel to you?” 

I figured I’d share it here:

Reflecting on my first semester of medical school, the most impactful experience to me was the donor lab experience. While I had taken a death and dying course in undergrad and work as an EMT, the course was all conceptual, and as an EMT we rarely diagnose death unless it’s apparent and more often take the patient to the hospital while doing whatever we can to prevent a death that might have already occurred. So coming into anatomy lab, I was somewhat nervous to be up close and personal with death and confronted with my own mortality.

It took me a bit longer than my colleagues to touch the donor, and even longer to feel comfortable touching him. But my perspective of the donor as a person and a patient rather than just a body to explore or an assignment to do highlighted to me how our private thoughts can manifest themselves into how we treat our patients. I saw that some students who dehumanize the donors as a coping mechanism and some anatomists who were simply too used to them who then began to disrespect the donors in subtle unconscious ways such as leaning on their faces or not providing modesty by pulling the sheet over their genitalia when not working in the area. This made such a huge impact on me and I know that it will help me prevent myself from distancing from my patients and not being the kind and caring physician that I know I can be.

I suppose I am beginning to form a “professional identity”, but I feel like most of that isn’t coming from my classes. Medical school has required me (and most other students) to spend a minimum of eight hours per day in classes, although I would guess that most students average around 10-12 hours per weekday spent on campus. This has caused our class to grow very close very quickly, and although we are all adults, it sometimes feels more like high school than college or graduate school. Everyone knows everything about everyone else because we spend all our time together. The administration often treats us like high schoolers, telling us that we are responsible for the actions of our colleagues and giving us slaps on the wrist for things like not downloading something by an arbitrary deadline or using a certain door. Where I feel my professional identity has developed has been the standardized patient encounters, the CPC’s, and the outside preceptorships that I have attended. Basically anything that requires a white coat. The white coat has really been the factor that has made me feel like a part of the medical community, something that holds me to a certain standard and also boasts my accomplishments to the world.

Expectation: XXXL coffee every morning if you want to open your eyes

Reality: a cup of tea is enough for this (lucky) caffeine-sensitive girl

Expectation: no sleep ever, hook yourself up to a coffee IV to keep going

Reality: bedtime is 10pm and also 2 hours past the time that most other students go to bed

Expectation: cram whatever food you can into your mouth while you study

Reality: cooking and eating become study breaks to look forward to

Expectation: study alone in the library forever

Reality: make a best friend who you study well with and pretend you're hanging out all the time to make studying wayyy better

Expectation: every lecture is vital and must be attended with the utmost attention

Reality: okay this is true for some professors, but others you can watch the lecture later online at double speed and get the gist or just skip lecture altogether and look at the slides (I still go to every lecture though cause I'm a nerd)

Expectation: your entire life revolves around studying