Alright, lets do this. It's time to unleash the figurative emotional beast.
Coming into this relationship. Yeah, woo. I feel great about myself. I was comfortable with being single. I was totally fine. I didn't need anybody. I met a girl. Started feeling really strongly for her. We text a long time. Turns out she has a boyfriend. Ouch. She keeps saying that she doesn't really like him anymore. I still can't help feeling like the end of that relationship was my fault. The next couple month were more or less torture and stress on a grand level. Trying to make plans to see each other. Worrying if here parents were going to be okay with that. That sort of thing. Most people in LDR understand that. But worst off she was only like an hour and a half away. So she's literally within arms reach. Eventually me make it happen and everything is good, then suddenly bam. She stops texting me constantly. She goes one day without texting me at all, the first time this has happened. Shortly after we met too. So the amount of texting and conversation slowly diminishes. Fast forward a few months. TUrns out she's done some things I'm not okay with. Okay I'm in love with this girl, I suppose I can look past them. Even if they are big no's in the Omni's Book of Things he Wants in a Girl. Oh turns out she's done some more things I'm not okay with. Oh she doesn't have any morals at all. Okay wow, this is turning out to be really bad. I really love this girl though, I don't know what to do. She insists she loves me, and I believe her, and when I'm with her everything is okay, but when I'm not with her I end up feeling the way I do right now. it always comes back to this, and if I try to make things better I end up just feeling wrong. Like it's my fault for not thinking with a certain mindset. Fast forward a bit more. Turns out she's a bit bicurious. I suppose that's fine, okay now she's just bisexual. Probably should have taken the hint from the whole "Every ship she ships is lesbian" thing. Okay so now I feel like I've turned my girlfriend onto liking girls. "Hey Omni look at all these attractive people", yeah sure okay... but what about me. "Oh, I don't care what I look like." Okay so now I don't think I'm attractive either. I'm literally falling apart. Any attempts to feel better ultimately fail, and now their's just the icing on the cake. Polyamory. And whens he posts on tumblr about how she's so depressed or having an existential crisis my heart breaks. Because I can't fucking do anything to help. Or when she posts on tumblr about how she wishs someone would come and play with her hair while she lay her head in their lap but specifies someone instead of me. YOU HAVE A BOUYFRIEND. AM I NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH OR SOMETHING? And when she hits on everyone. What the shit. She acts like she wants fucking everyone in bed but does nothing with me. It's hard to even get a kiss out of her when I'm around. Undesirable stupid Omni. I was better off by myself. And now, polyamority. Apparently she's into that as well. WHAT. THE. SHIT. WHEN WAS I GONNA GET TOLD ABOUT THIS. THAT'S A TWO WAY ROUND MISS. I'M PRETTY SURE ALL PARTY MEMBERS IN THIS HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT, AND HEY GUESS WHAT. I'M FUCKING NOT. YOU ARE MINE. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. WHEN YOU CAN PROVE TO ME, THAT I AM IMPORTANT TO YOU, THEN MAYBE I'LL BE OKAY WITH YOU FUCKING ANY HUMAN BEING THAT COMES UP TO YOU LIKE YOU SEEM TO ACT LIKE YOU WANT TO DO. WHEN YOU CAN APPRECIATE THE BOYFRIEND YOU'VE GOT, YOU CAN DO THAT SHIT. BUT SEEING AS THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HAPPENING. WELL FUCK YOU.
I'm so done. But I'm so trapped. I don't even know what to do. I can't end it. I don't have the heart, or the head. And worst of, I almost feel like I'll be the one who feels worse off in the end. I always am the one that ends up feeling worse off. because it's always my fault.
Like it is right now.
Now you can all go ahead and hate me.
Just someone please. For the love of god, help me.
