Coming to terms with the past

A result of introspection

I drew this because well I could. Also trans youth do need protection. So here's a shield if you need one. - Oli

Silence was my only response. My friends decided to confront my girlfriend and dragged me along. I seriously didn't want to deal with this. Sure my girlfriend was cheating on me or was going to, but I hate confrontation. I stood there, watching the argument ensue. I'm glad my friends cared about my feelings and well being. However I was enjoying not dealing with my emotions.        Want to know why I'm being silent? I am internalizing my emotions. Sure, I was completely pissed and the only one to truly have full right to be. However I'm passionate and reckless. Separate, those two traits are dangerous? Now combined? They are catastrophic. My emotions are dangerous when I let them out. The last time I let my emotions out, I ran on anger for two weeks straight. My "I don't care" attitude stems from that fact. I'm passive for my own good and the good of others. Also being passive or in apathy made things easier to deal with.        My guidance counselor once said to me," You care about other people's happiness more than your own, that you don't care if you get hurt in the process." You know what? My counselor was right. I did. I kept trying to make others happy, and most of the time, I get hurt in the end. I've seen very few times that I ended up happy also. Even then, they were short lived. With all the pain, I still have hope that shit will get better. I mean everyone deserves a friend who does this, but it's always a gift and a curse for that person. So it is my cross to bear and my gift to utilize. I listened to bits and pieces of the fight.        "Do you think he deserves this?" my friend yelled.        "Deserves what? I have done nothing wrong!" my girlfriend argued back.        "Some texts would say different!"        "Texts can be taken out of context!"        "Do you even know that boy? Because it is frustrating watching him internalize his feelings." Now that statement made me go wide eyed. In the past couple of days, I went off on my own in order to avoid my friends and my girlfriend. I put my headphones in and walked to a secluded area. Once there I began to pace and hit nearby objects. I also thought out loud because I was supposedly alone. I yelled and raged. I never thought I was followed. Those moments alone did not give me any relief. In fact, it made things worse at times. However it helped me keep my emotions in check for the times I couldn't avoid people and the inevitable fight. More words were said, but I didn't pay attention until this was said by my girlfriend.        "So why aren't you saying anything? You're the only reason they're fighting in this." I opened my mouth and closed it. I had so much rage and anger that should be let out. However with the way I am now, I couldn't release it. I stood in silence. I read somewhere once that silence was the unexpected response to a situation like this. The other person would expect fists or words flying, not silence. Even though I said nothing, my body language told a story. I was shaking with fists clenched, resisting the urge to punch something or someone.        I wanted to say," I'm fucking pissed off!  Part of me feels like you never cared! I'm scared of losing you! I'm so insecure that my friends had to do this and I feel like a fucking idiot! I know I don't speak about my feelings a lot. I never knew how to. What the hell do you want me to say? I'll be okay? I'm not sure I've been okay in a long time!" I took a deep breath and ran. I dodged my friends as they tried to grab me. The fight or flight response had been triggered in me, so I flew, well fled. I decided to run to another of my hiding spots, one I rarely used. First I had to lose my friends.        I ran in my usual direction and hid behind a wall. My friends fell for it and ran towards my spot. I came out of hiding and ran to my destination. I didn't pause to breathe until I reached it. Running probably wasn't the best response to that. But if it kept me from reacting, it was a good one. After catching my breath, I started screaming to let out some rage. Oddly enough it helped for once. I screamed until I couldn't anymore. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around. It was my argumentative friend.        I said," Go ahead lecture me. Tell me how I'm not dealing with shit appropriately."        "Look, I shouldn't have forced you to deal with this. However when I was watching you those times you thought you were alone, I noticed you cared, no matter how much you acted like you didn't. You cannot bear everyone's pain. Or make sure everyone's happy."        "Then why do I feel like I should? Why do I feel like I need to bear the cross? Why do I feel like if I can't make everyone I care about happy, that I'm a goddamn failure?"        A hand was put on my shoulder. "You put too much pressure on yourself.  I've known you for what, five years now? You are a caring person. You are empathetic and hate seeing anyone hurt. You are a good person. Sure you've done some bad things, but you make up for it in the end. You don't deserve to be hurt. You need to give yourself a break from time to time." I smiled. She was right. I cannot be bearing the cross all the damn time. I hugged her and thanked her. I walked back to where all of this started. This being the fight, me running, my friend giving me the words I needed to hear. My girlfriend saw me and she looked pissed at me.        As I got within earshot, she said to me," What the hell was that? Why did you just stand there, then the moment the heat goes to you, you ran. What about now? Are you going to say something?"        "I'm sorry about that. I didn't think they would do something like that. If you knew me, you'd know why I ran. And if you want me to say something, fine." I got close to her and whispered something in her ear. Then I walked away to my friends.        My friend asked me," What did you say to her?"        I smiled and said," Break me."

Drew this when I was dysphoric. It made me feel better. - Oli

[disclaimer, don't own video or choreography]